Ramblings
So I can't sleep. I also haven't posted anything on Tumblr in probably a year or so. I don't entirely know why I'm back here. But I am. I keep thinking about why I am where I am, not necessarily on a cosmic scale but on a more intimate level. Why I'm on this site speaking my mind. I created a Tumblr my Freshman year because I wanted a link between me and a girl that I loved. She and I don't really talk now. If you're reading this right now, I'm sorry for everything. I don't totally know why I spent so long hung up on this person. I credit her with saving my life, maybe that's why. It fit the narrative in my head. I want my life to fit a narrative. Narrative is easy and I am able to digest it. The real world is scummy and evil. I can't digest it. It's moments like this where I wish I wasn't so glad that I never managed to kill myself, that my attempt was deeply futile. Unfortunately, I am happy to be alive, which means I also have to deal with a lot of shit. Like being alive. I miss my friends. The people who may see this (if you guys are up-hello) used to be some of my favorite people and now I see them once or twice a year. If that. Some of them have been resigned to birthday texts and that's about it. I miss feeling like the baby of a group. I miss being taken care of. Anton Yelchin died yesterday morning. He was 27. I am petrified of dying that young. If someone as talented as him can die, what does that say about me? I'm not that talented. What if I die at 27 and nobody remembers me? What if the only memories I leave behind are those of the people I don't even talk to anymore? I can feel myself drifting away from everyone. I have a wonderful girlfriend (who is not the person I loved for many years for those of you keeping up at home) who I love very much. And she loves me. And I am petrified of losing her. I think I might lose her. The world is a big place and distance is scary. I'm going to try but I don't want to fail. I have a few close friends that stick by my side, but most of those friendships bear a dissonance. Either they like me more than I like them or versa vice. I just don't know how to connect with people anymore. I write. And I sometimes make out with my girlfriend. That's about all I have left in me that makes me feel like the same kind of person as everybody else. I don't know if I will be successful. I honestly doubt it most days. Why would somebody like me succeed? I'm a wreck. But so if everyone else successful so I have that to look forward to. I miss being in toxic love. I miss being in that level of pain. Because right now I am in love with my girlfriend and I am so fucking happy to be in love with her but it feels like something is off. I spent so long being in toxic love that I can never shake the feeling that I don't deserve to be this happy as I am with my girlfriend. I deserve toxic love. I deserve unrequited affection. I deserve distance and apathy and cruelty because that is what I have eaten and shat out for so long. Now that I have someone in my life who is good for me I don't know what to do. Cry? I can't cry. I don't cry I don't dream I don't really experience that cathartic release of sorrow. The sadness doesn't even go through me anymore it bypasses the middle man and goes straight into a jar in the bottom of my stomach. Right now I wish I was dead. I won't die, don't send out a squad after me, but I kinda wish that the world could just stop. I wish I could help other people with their writing without feeling unfulfilled and superior. I wish I could make films more consistently than I do now. I wish I could sleep. I wish I could watch every movie I want to watch. I wish Anton Yelchin hadn't died. He seemed like a nice man. If any of you haven't seen The Beaver, he is excellent in that film. Highly recommended. I am a religious person, so I want to imagine he's up there watching the outpouring of love. I hope he sees this through his heavenly vision and goes 'that kid remembers me in The Beaver'. Well, I do, Anton. I do remember you in The Beaver. You were fucking good in The Beaver. I miss being in pain. I don't like this feeling in my stomach. I would much rather just be in pain. I miss crying in my yard freshman year because my affections were unrequited. I miss knowing for a fact I would never go anywhere. I miss feeling ostracized and hated. Because now I am enjoyed by many, but not loved. Now I am an egotist and a narcissist and a listener. Now I am a walking mess of contradictions. I wish I could spend a day individually with everyone I know and apologize to them. I wish the world would stop spinning for a day. I wish I could see everyone how they are, not how they present themselves. I wish I had gone for it more times. I wish I was at peace. RIP Anton Yelchin, 1989-2016
