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With tears flowing through my eyes once again I thought about suicide. Sure it’s not the best way out of things and I always get told that things will be better, an often overlooked statement that solves nothing for the present. I want my heart ache to stop and things to be patched. But none of that was in sight. Looking for a bandage big enough to conceal the heart wound were merely impossible. I feel like nothing. Inside and out. What am I existing for? I see myself as a hinderance to the happiness of others. For this case, my family. I’ve only become a financial burden to them leeching their money to go to school and still be of nothing but a piece of living breathing body. I haven’t made an impact in the world or anyone’s life, I’m just existing. As I look for answers in the potential thought of suicide, I also would fear the potential pain of my siblings that I may cause. More than anything seeing my loved ones hurt is enough to keep me around in attempt to keep their pain away. But if I’m only causing more pain than happiness, why stay? I try to sleep it off like with most situations but this one hurts a little more and hurts a little longer. A burning tight feeling that renders in my body that I can’t seem to shake off. My apologetic heart also keeps me awake convincing my head that I should fix something. For this case, there’s no way of undoing what’s already done. Im blank and I feel pain. What kind of nonsense is this? A tugging feeling in my chest it wrings and leaves only feelings of stress and exhaustion. I feel like I’m sinking in water, there’s so much pressure in my chest and body it feels like I’m losing my breath.

Maybe I’m dramatic. If someone were to hear this they would only think of how childish and minor or a problem this is. They might be right. It is small. But how can something so small chew me hollow from the inside. Maybe I am too much. I just hate myself. This depression with a problem on top of it all isn’t giving me any hopeful or good feeling. I want to be better. At 11:11 I even wished for better days. I want better days. I want to feel happy. I want this pain and self loathing to stop. I want this to go away. I want to go away.

#07302020 #11:28pm

Marriage, stress, mother. I want to LIVE!

I guess there are more stressors as we age. One things that keeps on coming up when I am around my mother is the topic of relationships and marriage. It’s not a time for me to be thinking about either of those. Today, mother brought up the topic of marriage. Absolutely insane. I have yet to even have a boyfriend and the topic of marriage has already been installed into conversations. I am not ready. The more this topic is brought up, the more I want to stray away from being in a relationship. I want this to go away. I am sick of hearing about being in a relationship. Its something I know I should do, but I just don’t seem to understand why I have to rush it. Yes, I know I am getting older, but things will come when the time is right. For now, I want to focus on what I am doing. My full attention should be towards school and doing things that I enjoy in the present. Yes, think about the future, but only the things I can control. I hate being at home for the sole reason of my mother. Being home should be a place of relaxation and reset. But often times coming home leads to additional stress. For the time being, it’s a house, not a home. I want to stay home sometimes to just sleep in and enjoy resting. But I can’t. Because when I do my parents ask why I am not at school or why am I not doing additional charitable work for clinics (which does not occur since they do not understand the process). Somedays I just want to stay home just to stay home and relax but staying home comes with a price. I cannot be home just to take a step back from school, because then they will complain about how I am never at school. When I am literally at the library doing schoolwork 4-5 days of the week, and on the weekends, I am at the library or Starbucks studying (sometimes with friends). I do leave later in the day, but that does not mean I do not spend at least 5 hours of my day doing schoolwork. It may not look like it to my parents, but I am STRESSED! I am stressed about things I should be stressed about at this age. It may seem that I am all giggles and easy going, but I can really burst into tears if I think about these stressors and topics of the future. It truly is scary. It is uncomfortable for me to tell my mother “I don’t want to talk about marriage, relationships, finance, jobs, school, etc.” at this moment because I am concerned myself. If I bring this up, I should also bring up a plan of reassurance for her. But I have nothing in place. I have nothing planned. I am only going with the flow of things in hopes that everything will turn out well. I’ll figure things out along the way. For now, can you SHUT THE FUCK UP about marriage. I want to live! I want to live my own life! Stop trying to live my life for me. At this point, I don’t care if I am married by 30 or not. There are still so many things I want to do, and your words don’t help. Wow, I was a little teary-eyed writing all of this. I had to let it out. I stopped in the middle of my assignment because this thought arise out of the blue. I can only hope for myself to do well. I want to also hope for myself to find someone to give my time to without regrets and that things will work out. I want things to be well and for now I can only hope. I have to be strong and bare through all the obstacles to reach success. “the closer I am to my goal, the more obstacles I encounter.”

#10/08/2019 #marriage??

Tears in the morning.

Today is the first day of the new school semester of where I officially start my program. I feel a little concerned since I don’t know exactly what I got myself into. I haven’t really look at the classes I’m taking. I just kind of signed up for them. I hope for the best. But before I even begin to read the syllabus I want to take a moment to express how I feel. Last night was the first time my mother heard me call her a bitch. And I didn’t deny it when she questioned it. Yes, she was mad. But I think that she deserved it at the moment. She was very moody and called the soonbudu jjigae I made trash. I even made a cheesecake that day and she ate it behind my back and called it ugly and just threw the knife on top of my cheesecake with a face of dissatisfaction. I was really irritated with the way she acted last night. Very child-like. I say this every time, but I don’t think she is mature enough to be a mother. I feel that there are often times than not that I am more mature than she is. I even thought about it for a long time last night if what I did was wrong. My mind didn’t waiver. I knew what I said had to be said. A scenario of me threatening to kill myself even came across my mind. How awful. I think that you’re a bad mother if your child even thinks about killing themselves because of you. The thought of it made me tear up in bed this morning. But I stopped myself after a few moments since I remember I can’t be this way for the first day of school. Was not a preferred way to start off the first day of school, but life goes on. I feel a little better expressing how I feel. Now I can start my classes. Best of luck to me!

#08262019 #12:51pm

Lazy. Mother. Update. Songwriting. 08/09/19 @10:48pm

Its been a while. I wanted to write this about a week ago, but I was too lazy to get out of bed and open my laptop. I should really not let laziness get in the way of the moments when I have passionate thoughts that evoke writing. Anyways, I wanted to write about the topic of my mother. Its been a roller coaster of emotions that I feel towards my mother lately, but a week ago I had vehement hatred towards her. I wanted to write about how much I always dislike my mother. I would just be repeating myself if I wrote about how I don’t think that my mother is mature enough to be a mother, and how she only follows the hear-say of her surroundings. But today I had a small moment of bonding laughter with my mother that made things with her “seems” a little better. Though it was a small joke I made that made her chuckle a bit, it was still a nice moment to share. I wonder how much longer I will feel a sense of ease until she tips it over and everything becomes havoc again.

Life update:

I’ve been really lazy. I sleep in a bit sometimes but never past noon. I lay in bed a lot and also play games on my phone. I really enjoy this feeling of doing nothing and freedom, but at the same time I feel useless. I think I have to overcome my laziness to be able to do things. I’ve also started on the Agust D painting. I feel very proud of it so far. This is the first painting I am doing for myself. So far, the colors are turning out well and though it is not perfect I’ll just have to do my best and work with what I got. I’ve also told my friend group about my pass on the test and getting accepted, along with some jokes that I’ve thrown in.

So I intentionally opened this laptop today to write about my feelings and my burning hate towards my mother. But it seems the flames have settled down. I still get the feeling that I want to write about it. I guess I can try…

How I feel about mother: I hate that many times she gets worked up for no reason. It sets a bad example for all of us and bring the mood down. I hate that she yells all of the time and calls it a way of teaching a lesson to us when it really does not benefit a single soul. I want you to be a good mother. And when I say good, I mean someone who can be reasoned with and not have to give out bad example of hatred and greed towards their children. I would say that my mother is “fair” on a rating scale. She isn’t the best but she also isn’t the worse. She does go to work and provide food on the table, but I think that’s about it. I do believe that she set some morals that were beneficial while growing up but I don’t think I have learned anything else from her since middle school. I feel that I was suppressed my whole life from doing the things I want. I want to no longer live fearing what she may say or think. I want to do things on my own from now on and not regret anymore like I used to. Thank you mother for providing food on the table and some life morals, but from now on, I have to be concerned for myself and put myself first.

I think I got the feeling out of the way, at least most of it. I also come to a conclusion that though my idol dream is no longer valid, I can still live through it by writing song lyrics and enjoy the process. I think that it brings me lot of joy. I still try my best o seek happiness. I’ve also been thinking a lot if I really have depression or not. I want to figure it out bc I do show signs, but I can’t be to sure. If it comes to be true, then this would be something I’ve had my whole life.

#08092019 #10:48pm

Writing/lyrics update. Suga’s impact on my life and happiness

It has only been 4 days and I’ve already used up almost half of the notebook writing to express how I feel and song lyrics. I think this is a great way for me to express myself and to also come up with lyrics that I can meltdown and relate to. While I was writing, I came to find out how deficient my range of vocabulary is. It was hard to find words that went well and matched with the preceding phrase.

I’ve only been listening to Korean song, for right now all of them involve Suga. He’s truly an inspiration to me. I think I started this whole process because he influenced me through the lyrics of his songs. I write my own lyrics referencing off of the song lyrics that I am listening to, to create something that is more of my style that is more relatable to me. Though the work is sloppy, I have to start somewhere. I actually enjoy this activity since I look forward to writing my personal thoughts and feeling in that journal and composing lyrics for it. I think through this process I will be able to build my vocabulary to prepare for the GRE which I have to take eventually in the future.

I’m listening to the new song that Suga produced with Heize, and it is truly incredible. I look at producers in a new light now that I started writing lyrics. I can understand that the beats, composition, genre, and everything has to go according to flow with lyrics to match them well. I hope that one day I can at least produce/compose one song.

I’m actually feeling really happy right now listening to music and writing how I feel. I would like to continue to document the moments that occur in life. I am very thankful to Suga that he has influenced me to become a better person and rediscovering hobbies that I put aside. I used to write in journals and document my life. Thanks to him I went back to doing that. I also used to hate painting for a while but thanks to him I’ve completed the biggest canvas painting I every did in under a week. I do my best to enjoy life a little more because of the impact he’s done and motivation that he’s given me.

#07072019

Self expressing writing? song lyrics?

Maybe since I am getting in the habit of writing more, I can continue to write more and not be lazy. Maybe I can eventually write some lyrics for a song since I’ve always wanted to compose a song for myself. Not for anything too serious but for fun and something for myself. Its probably the best way to express myself. Maybe I’ll continue this through more motivation. I wish myself the best and maybe something good will come out of this.

#07012019

Dreams. Similar background??

I’ve been thinking lately about an interview that I’ve read. It states that BTS member, Suga’s parents did not support his dreams on becoming a singer/rapper/idol/performer. His parents hard a difficult time making a living and thought that becoming and idol was not a wise choice since they didn’t want Suga’s life to be difficult like theirs. Their outlook on it was the same as my parents that’s why it kind of hit me. Despite Suga’s parents wishes, he went followed his dreams to become an idol. When Suga first debuted, his parents did not attend any of his concerts be cause his father was strict and did not support that dream. It was not until 2 years later that his parents had attended his concert. Suga cried. Today, Suga is in one of the most successful boy groups we know today and is now winning awards that all artists could only dream of. They are nominated alongside big name stars and have won multiple awards.

Would have life been different if I followed my dreams?

I look back now and come to realize that there is no way to change the past, but his story really stuck with me. Though his family was really unsupportive of what his dreams were, he still went for them. I am now filled with regret that I didn’t pursue the dreams that I wanted. But since there is not turning back, maybe those dreams in the past wouldn’t have worked out for me present day anyways. I’ll live happily now and continue to pursue my career or becoming a doctor since that is all I know now. Though my childhood dreams are crushed, I can still make my current dreams come true. I wish myself the best of luck now, I hope to be successful. (Very soon)

#06182019 #somethingiwroteawhileback

Put your mind into it, you will excel

Since this was something that has been on my mind but I was too lazy to write it down, I’ll express it now. Growing up, I’ve always been told “if you put your mind to it, you can do anything.” I’ve only looked at that quote and something that someone would say to motivate someone. I’ve never put much thought into it until recently. It wasn’t until I hear a compliment from my sister. I rarely get them from her, but I’ll take it. She told me that “you can do well in anything you put your mind into.” I thought it was just another one of those comments, until she further explained it to me. She told me that everything I ever did that I put my all into, would turn out well. She told me that I was very capable of anything, and that she truly believe that I excel in everything I do. I never saw that it was the case. She brought up my paintings and told me that I did very well in them only when I put my mind and heart into them. I believed her. She also mentioned that there were many other things that I would do really well in, it was just that I am wasting my talents and putting all my energy off into other things. When she said that, I thought about how I passed my test, and how I put all my dedication into passing. My brother also walked into the room while my sister and I were talking about it and she goes over the same topic with my brother. She starts by saying “don’t you think your sister can do exceptionally well in absolutely anything she touches, but it just too bad she’s wasting her energy by not doing it.” My brother then agrees with the reply “yea, what’s new?” haha I laughed and it came to realization that I had so many people believe in me, even the ones who I never expected them to (my siblings).

This topic arose from my sudden impulse of wanting to write a song. But my siblings both agreed that I am always off beat. It was a little hard reality to take in, but its something I must accept and learn to work on. I don’t think listening to all those kpop songs really help either since I always have to listen before I sing a second after. My sister told me I should start by learning to be on beat and that’s where we then branched off to learning the piano. I am finally doing something that I want. I am so happy.

#07012019

A note I wrote when I still couldn’t pass.

I’ve been crying a lot lately. Not sure why. Could it be the stress of the event that’s happening around me? I hope that I learn to hold in my tears. Crying is tiring. I still haven’t passed. It’s a lot of pressure around me. All my friends are doing well in their life, such as getting into their program and moving forward in school/life. I am still stuck in the same place. At times, I feel that I am regressing. I Hope that things will be better soon. I desperately want things to turn better very soon. I hope that when that time comes, I will be happy. I want to be happy again. What did that feel like? Happiness passes a little too fast now that I think about it. I think I may be stressed. There are a lot of things that make me unhappy these days than there are things to feel happy about. I hope for the best, even a glimpse of hope will make me feel better.

#Probablyaroundaprilormay2019

My inspiration

It’s been a while. There were a few things I wanted to write the last couple of days, but I got lazy. Since this topic is the first thing on my mind today, let’s talk about it. I am so glad I passed my test. I am also glad that I found someone to be my inspiration and to help motivate me to do something I always wanted to do. Thank you, Min Yoongi (Suga). I looked at you as my good luck charm randomly, for no apparent reason about a week before my test. It turns out to be true that you are my good luck charm since you’ve proven to help me pass. Another thing that inspired me is hearing his story. I write about how I felt and related to his life story a while ago on my phone, but never shared it. He related to me a lot so I thought it was a good way to share how things were for me as well. Anyways, I started painting again. I actually found peace in painting this time around. I used to hate it and found it annoying, but thanks to my better state of mind, I learn to love it again and feel the same way I used to when I enjoyed it. Like how piano was for Yoongi, painting was like for me. My family was poor growing up, and did not have much time for me either. I never got the chance to learn karate or take piano lessons like I wanted to. I watched the other kids jealously while they were able to do those activities while I stayed home most of the time. But just a week about I began to learn piano from my sister, I am grateful she’s willing to teach me. This was something I always wanted to learn, and it motivates me to learn it even more since Suga learned it growing up which help developed his skills into the amazing song writer he is today. My heart is in so much ease lately. I can finally do the things I like, and it almost bring me to tears. I’ve been having self doubt and breakdowns so much that it was hard to see the light at the end, but just recently everything seems to make things clear that life can sometimes be a process. I hope to continue to have Suga be my inspiration in becoming a better person. I can do the things I always wanted, it not too late.

#07012019

Back track

I come to realize that I should take time to better myself. I now have the time, why not use it to its advantage. I though to myself last night that I should learn some self control and also try to develop a routine. Maybe that might help. I’m still lost in life and still don’t know what to do. I hope that things will get better so that I don’t have to stress as much. I desperately want to graduate and get a job so I won’t feel useless. I hate myself everyday for not being something that I could’ve been a long time ago. I wish things will get better. I hope things will get better.