A comic about the body, and how some of us react to it. In the end, it is ours, and we will take care of it as best as we can, regardless of how we feel looking in the mirror. <3
I’d just like to point out the growth in this post has mostly coincided with elon’s public spiral downward and I’d like to think we’re all a small part of that
Hello, we're a system/collective who started listening to Malevolent on June 7th, 2024, and boy did it hit close to home! not only because of the jarthur body sharing blues, but also johns individual experience with his identity made us feel seen in a way we haven't felt before.
the way john has to figure out what differentiates himself from both arthur and hastur, despite feeling trapped behind arthurs eyes and chained to hastur heart, aligns with our experiences... a lot. so we've been making a compilation for the past month that includes all of the moments that made us go OOORRG as well as different folks commentaries (mostly consisting of us going OOORRG). this is going to be long as shit because this entire show is this.
also if your a system/collective who likes malevolent: PLEASE put ur favorite moments/ur thoughts
and if you haven't listened to malevolent: hey, you should give it a try and then come cry to me about it :D
A Compilation Of Malevolent Moments That Hit Differently As A System:
The Caves: (34:59-35:20)
during their argument john laughs while arthur trips over things
hehehe ya
The Path: (43:06-44:05)
johns questioning if he's feeding off of arthurs emotions or if hes learning them for himself, new split type beat, trying to figure out where each other start and end.
"we are of two minds, and more and more im realizing two souls as well. there's a bleed over effect but you are something entirely your own, john."
The Fall:
oh my god this episode. this man got so fucking pissed, not at john for rubbing the death of arthurs child in his face, but at arthur pulling host rank???? i was like ya buddy you can rot in a pit for a few months, mf you cant do that!! we we're listening to this at work and we were so pissed
The King: (35:00-36:25)(45:18-48:57)
its the first time arthur talks for him and its the first time he feels johns tears.
arthurs confrontation with the king and the feeling of no matter how much you hate each other, you're going to have each others back. for us personally it feels like a sucker punch to the gut every time he says "because i cant lose another person!"
The Unconquerable:
when we wrote down the title we didnt know why the episode resonated with us, but now I come back to it a month later as a yellow introject. we have horrid memory issues on top of memory issues, so it hurts something familiar to see the state yellow is in when he gets thrown into arthur. not knowing who or where he is but still trying to hold the cards, arthurs disappointment that hes not who he wanted him to be. its a new kind of painful. its the odd solace that comes from a shattered mirror.
we see arthurs frustration but its almost nice to be able to hate him for not giving yellow more grace.
The Train: (4:19-8:10)
I have literally told this guy he looks 80lbs sopping wet before, this entire episode is perfect. the bickering, the team work, the having to navigate socializing, it feels so nice
The Tear: (12:14-22:48)
ya...
The Detective: [(3:50-7:05) (10:40-14:58)] (28:09-28:18)
we made the mistake of listening to this on the way to getting tacos and we just had to sit in the parking lot, crying as john got to be seen for the first time by an ally. I've never had the experience myself(others in our system are out tho) but seeing it go well for him sparked something in me, enough that it pulled us to front for the past few weeks. that, w. it was a very important moment to us
and on a completely different vibe, "have you ever... before?" fuckin "well with out my excellent call outs" silly guy
The Order II: (23:26-24:00)
huh? oh hes not talking to us
The Witch: [(16:11-17:24) (25:30-26:56) (29:00-33:17)]
the whole episode honestly, start to finish.
no, im not including the ending speech it makes me physically ill
WITCH: This woman cared for you?
JOHN: Yes.
WITCH: Lies! She cared for your mortal!
JOHN: He couldn’t hear her! I was the one who received her care, her kindness, her –
WITCH: Intended for another!
JOHN: What does that matter!? She knew no difference between me or him! She knew nothing of the soul that heard her, whether it was… (He sighs in frustration.) It was the same care. The same… compassion.
UUUUUUUUUGGGGG
Honorary Mentions:
all of johns memory issues in season 4:
how every time he came back he would be defensive saying "right, i knew that!" even when he didn't remember, that's a classic.
Intermezzo: (5:00-5:46)
kayne and his many many voices/me not me/ its not about the names were given its about the names we choose
every time jarthur says we/our
The King:
"well at least thats what the loudest voice in my head says" ya? and how many voices are in there?
If you ever meet someone on the internet claiming they're from the USA, watch out because they're most likely an AI bot. nobody in the US can afford an internet connection (because they're so poor) and even if they could their schools are so underfunded they couldn't even know how to use the internet
I love you but we don't love the same. I can't be near you when you want me to be. Your love is smothering and your need to keep me safe is trapping me. I'm my own person but I don't know how to show you that. I lash out and hurt you even though I don't mean to. I need you to move slowly around me or I'll bolt. I love you, even though I don't say it. If you stay still I'll sit next to you, and even though we don't understand each other we can be together like that.
cat love as in I am small and scared and all of my instincts and my experience and your vast power say you're a threat but I am choosing to trust in your kindness despite my fear. you could kill me with one hand but I know you won't.
cat love as in I can tell you are upset and I don't understand why so I will sit stiffly beside you and awkwardly provide the only reassurance I know how to give. I am uncomfortable with every single moment of this but it is what you would do for me.
cat love as in I am small and powerless but I will curl up back to back with you and stand guard while you sleep and I will mean it with every fiber of my being.
my cat Nepenthe was a former stray behavior case at risk of euthanasia because she kept mauling potential adopters. on her second week in my apartment--having already attacked me multiple times without provocation, I will add, I wasn't special, she needed genuine help--she slinked out of the bedroom yowling at me. when I went to check on her she kept walking back and forth until I followed her, where she insistently paced between my feet and her hidey-hole in the back of my dresser, increasingly distressed. about three seconds after she gave up and hid, an absolutely torrential rain front hit. she didn't understand yet that we couldn't get wet inside. she'd been trying to warn me.
she didn't know me yet, but she knew I hadn't yelled at her when she hurt me. she knew I hadn't tried to hurt her back. she didn't understand why she was attacking me; those episodes probably scared her more than me. she knew I "shared" food with her, and that I asked before touching her. and she went out of her way to bring me into her safe space, to protect her friend.
cat love as stiff hesitant uncertain acts of service that are devastating in their sincerity, as well.
Here’s my metaphor for systemhood that I tell my singlet friends.
Imagine you’re playing a first person video game. You have the controller, you control your character. It’s a normal first person game. You are an alter, the character is the body. This is fronting.
Other people live with you. Sometimes, they come into the room and sit and watch while you play. They sometimes try to guide you, give you advice on what to do next. They don’t always agree, and they can argue with each other. Other times they scream at you that you’re doing everything wrong and you suck at this game. This is co-consciousness.
Imagine how distracting it would be for people around you to tell you what to do, or to scream at each other or at you, even if they have good intentions. It wouldn’t be easy to focus on your game, would it?
Then sometimes, something happens in the game that prompts you to hand off the controller to someone else so they can play and you get a break. This is (some types of) switching. This can be good.
Other times, someone rips the controller out of your hand or fights you for it. This is (other types of) switching. And sometimes, six other players hook up their controllers, but there’s only one character to play as. So all of you have your controllers, but you’re all trying to play the same character. This is cofronting.
Imagine how difficult that would be. Imagine how hard it would be to try and play a game while someone is trying to take the controller from you, or while six other people are trying to play too.
There are also times that nobody is playing, or you can’t decide who should play. What’s happening to the character in the game? What are they doing if no one is playing? This is dissociation. The character is doing nothing. They’re stuck.
This is the best metaphor I have come up with for being a system. It’s something a lot of people get because they’ve played games before.
[ID: A meme of Grant Gustin, labeled "an unexplained, slight change in vibes", crouching and smiling as he flashes a peace sign next to a freshly dug grave. The grave itself is labeled, "writer/artist" and the gravestone is labeled "here lies their inspiration and motivation to write/draw today". / end ID]
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