I feel as though, for my entire life, almost every man in my life has been toxic. It goes back to when I was a child. A father is meant to show you how to be a man, but mine wasn’t a real man. He was an abuser.
My father abused me in every way, making me feel as though no man would ever love someone as screwed up as I was. His abuse was drilled into my mind, making me an outcast at school, giving the boys ammunition to use to bully me in elementary and middle school. Once high school started, I truly felt no guy would ever give me the time of day. And I was right.
They say bullying is a child’s worst nightmare, but they never tell you feeling ignored is just as bad.
And any man who did show me any affection, it was only because they were using me. They would hide me and take advantage of me, never acknowledging me in public. I never had a boyfriend. I wasn’t allowed to, since my father had me under his control.
As I became an adult, I allowed myself to fall into relationships in which my partner was distant or trying to control me in one way or another. I wasn’t ever happy. Any man who showed me the slightest affection and I was already in love, or in something I thought was love.
My first marriage was with someone who was just looking for a home. I later learned this is called “cuffing.” He soon changed as we lived together, with him trying to convince me I needed to work less so he could collect a larger SSI check. I disagreed. He also said I couldn’t have guys as friends, and, again, I disagreed. The marriage ended by the end of the year.
My next long term relationship was with a man who was charming and thoughtful. He said the right things and made all the right moves. Slowly, though, he started saying and doing things I soon learned was called “gaslighting.” I joined a gym and though I was happy, he told me I could work out at home for free, so I quit. I bought yoga equipment, but he suggested I didn’t need that many things. I tried becoming a pro wrestler, but he put it in my head that if I was injured, who would take care of me? Certainly not him. So, I quit that. The last straw came when he called out how often I went to wrestling shows (not very often), something I loved a lot. I ended the relationship, but the damage was done.
I did date a man after him and it seemed as though he was a good guy. But, it was short term. A few months into the relationship, he disappeared. This is now called “ghosting.” I found out through his social media he moved to CA, without any goodbye.
My second marriage, to me, finally felt as though it was going to work. He was sweet, funny, caring, and respected my wishes. We had a fun wedding, but soon, it became clear he wasn’t the man he said he was. He told me he used to work a lot, but never made the effort to find a job. He said he always kept a clean apartment, but would never do anything as far as housework unless I pointed it out. He said he could cook, but his “meals” were nothing more than weird concoctions he threw together. He convinced me to move to MA with him, but I didn’t want to, having built a life for me in RI. I lost my apartment and we were homeless for three years. Again, he barely looked for work, while I used most of my pay for either transportation to work, the hotel, or food. Though, he would do things for me to “cheer me up” such as renting a movie theater for my favorite movie or buying me a Chromebook. Once we finally found a home, thanks to my veteran status, he slipped back into his ways, with no cleaning or searching for a job. He was more focused on trying to become the next YouTube icon. But, he would always make sure he bought me gifts and told me he loved me.
I soon discovered he was “love bombing” me, keeping me distracted while he was doing illegal activity behind my back. This soon came to light as he was recently arrested for illegal activities. I can’t even bring myself to say what it is because it disgusts me. As of this writing, I am seeking legal advice to file for divorce.
As I write this, I feel such strong emotions, more towards myself, allowing myself to fall into these toxic relationships. I was so desperate for any kind of affections, I gave permission to these guys to walk all over me and take advantage of my emotions. And, I have no one to blame for my decisions. I did it and paid the price.
I’m going to be 50 in a couple of years and I am finally starting to feel as though my life is just beginning. I do have two wonderful kids who I raised on my own. Both are in amazing relationships with people who care for them, love them for who they are and not what they can get from them. They are also confident in their feelings to know if something isn’t right, they need to walk away. It’s about time I started doing that myself. I have spent so much time trying to please a partner, I never found the time to focus on myself and my own growth. So that’s my next chapter in the book that is my life. Who knows what will happen in the next 50 years, but I know I’ll begin to love the one person who needs love the most: ME.
janainaart
jacobvanloon
origamiaround
jbbartram-illu
