i don't even know

She/her. Queer. Chronic reblogger.

[drawballa]

Sleepy boys 💤

[vityamins]

The face of a man who thinks he's about to hear his boyfriend explain the word fuckbuddy to his mom

[lavenderprose]

There's a version of the Hollanov story where Yuna has just slightly less self control when it comes to her maternal anxiety spirals. And they're in Montreal but not for Shane-related reasons (David travels quite often for his job with the Treasury department and Yuna can work anywhere with a wifi connection and a horizontal surface to put her laptop on) and maybe Shane said Sorry, Mom, I know you're gonna be in town but I've got plans and Yuna said Of course honey, that's fine, it's only overnight anyway. Only now it's midnight and Yuna is in the same city as her son but she hasn't put eyes on him except through a television screen in months and something is not sitting right in her stomach. And yes she could take a Tums and try to forget about it and yes she could just quietly stew about it like she has in the past but her skin is crawling and she's gotten herself so worked up at this point and at this time of night Shane is probably either back from his plans or asleep so she just--

Goes.

And on the way she's thinking that Shane doesn't even have to know. She doesn't want him to know! Fuck, this is embarrassing for her and she knows how it'll look if anyone ever finds out but--isn't that kind of the point of being a mother? Being a little insane about your kids? And she promises herself that she'll just poke her head in and see if he's there and if he looks okay and then she'll GO and nobody has to know. And she's also thinking about the hours she spent driving in circles around their neighborhood when Shane was colicky just to get him to stay asleep for longer than a handful of minutes and she thinks about driving back and forth several times a week between Ottawa and Kingston when Shane was fifteen and had just been drafted to his OHL team and she thinks about all the vacations they didn't take and the way that she saw her whole life change form before her very eyes when Shane was eleven and a scout approached her and told her that her son was something special, something very special.

And this isn't any crazier than all of that right?

So she pulls into the parking garage and she takes the back way in, practically tiptoing already like Shane can hear her from all those floors up. And she gets in the elevator and scans the card to get up to Shane's floor and she tiptoes up to that door, too, and tries to make as little noise as possible on her way in.

The apartment is dark, almost airless, and Yuna for a moment wonders if Shane is even here, and if not where he would be at almost one o'clock in the morning. And then she's thinking Don't be foolish, Yuna, he's twenty-four and he lives in Montreal, he could be literally anywhere at one o'clock in the morning, and the voice sounds a bit like her own mother--

And then there is a sound from up the stairs and she realizes that it's music, playing realtively quietly, and she follows the sound of it up. It's coming from Shane's bedroom, of course, and she decides that this is more than enough proof that he is home and safe and alive, but then she hears a laugh and it--

Does not. Belong. To her son.

She's thrown for a whirl. Because what does that mean. There is a man in her son's bedroom who is not her son and what the fuck does that even mean--

Then Shane's voice does appear, just to say, "You're such an asshole," and the laugh comes back, louder this time.

And Yuna knows that she shouldn't. She knows that she's actively betraying her son's trust right now. She knows that she has absolutely no valid reason for moving towards the door when she now has proof that Shane is alive, well, and definitely has company of some...capacity that she doesn't know how to interpret at the moment (Though: Yes, she kind of does. There are only so many ways to interpret it).

But she's also not thinking very much at all, and her feet move sort of mechanically, and then she's peering through the slightly cracked door.

She'll realize, later on, that whatever cosmic accident or greater power formed this scenario did not do so with complete malevolence, because otherwise she could have certainly caught her son in a compromising position indeed. If she'd arrived even ten minutes earlier, she may have.

What she sees is already compromising enough. They are under the thin top sheet of one of the six identical bedding sets that Shane owns, and they are laying side-by-side propped against the pillows, not really cuddling by anyone's standards, but the thin sheet does nothing to hide that their legs are tangled together and the man (MAN) laying next to Shane has his hand in an extremely proprietary position on Shane's thigh. The music is coming from the phone in the man's hand, and they are watching it together, and Yuna--

Yuna is a fucking adult, and she knows what the words post-coital mean and what it looks like. And she is so violently embarrassed and her head is spinning with so many questions and so much regret that she almost doesn't realize who the man laying next to Shane IS.

Almost, because there is no power in the world that could prevent her from realizing that Ilya Rozanov is in her son's bed.

"You see?" Rozanov is saying, and it's absurd that Yuna's first thought is that he sounds different outside of press conferences and post-game interviews. Softer, younger. "This is called music video, Hollander. I know, I know, is very new thing for you, maybe scary-"

Shane snaps out a hand and slaps Rozanov in the shoulder, and Yuna--kind of winces, because that sounded actually pretty hard and she doesn't like the idea that she raised a kid who would treat someone they're in bed with that way--

But Rozanov grins, and Shane grins back, and then Rozanov is--rolling over and--

OH, oh God, she needs to leave.

And before she's out of earshot, she hears Shane say, "Why did this guy even want you in this music video?"

And Ilya fucking Rozanov says, "Well, probably they wanted big famous hockey player and they thought Shane Hollander, eh, too boring to ever be in music video--"

"Asshole," Shane says again.

And Yuna, despite herself, despite racing down the stairs as quickly and safely as she can in socked feet on laminate flooring, can only think, Yeah, asshole. They reached out to us first.

[gaynehollander]

This is a reminder that Ilya canonically makes Shane edge himself until Ilya can get there to fuck him.

Shane almost comes without him and feels the need to tell Ilya about it, even though he managed to stave it off. Ilya calls him a good boy for it and his reward is having to bring himself to the edge two more times without being allowed to come. Like, that's canon. That happened.

[beelesbians]

I would like to relax with you. For once

[mybloodstream-caffeine]

So does anyone wanna hear about the specific moment in my Irina lives au where during the peak of hollanovs situationship, Irina calls Ilya in the dead of night while Shane is still in the hotel, post-fuck and all warm and lazy with it, except not anymore because Ilya is jumping up and off the bed the second he sees the caller ID and walking into the bathroom and shutting the door, but it's not enough to muffle the conversation, and shane can't speak russian but hysterical sobbing is pretty unambiguous in any language, plus Ilya keeps saying Mama, in a strained, soothing voice, which is equally unequivocal, and Shane is just lying in bed staring at the ceiling, still tacky with cum and sweat, frozen, while Ilya is in the other room clearly talking his mother through some kind of episode and holy shit what does shane do??? Does he leave??? Surely he can't leave.

[mybloodstream-caffeine]

What if Ilya's father was the one to die suddenly when Ilya was twelve instead of his mother. What then y'all.

[mybloodstream-caffeine]

Tags courtesy of @ambiguityenjoyer

Everybody SHUT UP!!!!! Me and prev are communicating psychically.

I envisioned more of an option one scenario where Irina is a very rich widow with, as you've said, chronic depression and bipolar disorder. She is an unquestionably loving and devoted mother, but I think after Grigori's death she'd cling to Ilya as her primary confidante and pillar of emotional support, which is a tall fucking order for a preteen. I picture them having a very codependent relationship in that Ilya specifically gets parentified very young; I imagine Alexei avoided the brunt of responsibility by being older and therefore out of the house sooner, again kinda reinforcing Ilya and Irina's "us against the world" mentality. I think when Ilya was younger this would've been easier to bear, or at the very least simpler to ignore, but as he gets older and especially once he moves to the States, the idealised version of his mother begins to splinter. Because Ilya is a good son, her calls are the only ones to get through his DND, waking him up in all hours of the night to talk her through her heaving sobs, "Yes mama I miss you too, I'd talk longer if I could, I promise, it's just that it's 3:30 in the morning in Boston, remember? I have a game tomorrow" and the less time it seems like he has for her, the tighter she clings, and Ilya feels awful for the tight knot of resentment he slowly feels growing bigger and bigger. The emotional enmeshment in this version of the Rozanov family is something I am DESPERATE to explore,,, I've said it before and I'll say it again: my Irina lives au is not a fix-it, I can tell ya that much.

[ambiguityenjoyer]

What’s more world stopping to a parentified person than someone coming into their life who doesn’t need to be fixed or healed or cared for but instead is there for you, the whole person, as their own whole person. Wanting to give you lots of orgasms. Shane’s certainly had enough of being mothered for a life time, the last thing he needs is for Ilya to be responsible for him too. Probably the bathroom scene is a little triggering for him, with Shane’s neediness butting up against Mr Avoidant trying to keep himself from getting tangled up like that. But he kinda can’t help it :// and anyway he figures out that the way Shane wants him isn’t like I need you to breathe I’ll die without you. It’s like I want to be in your orbit forever.

[firstprinced]

1.05 -> 1.06 requested by @littlespoonevan <3 (in episode five, ilya conceals his feelings with language; in episode six, ilya feels safe enough to say that he's terrified out loud) (all because of shane's earnestynuke heading straight towards his walls)

[ily-a]

Hollanov + text posts (part 2)

[jewelcoatfish]

shane (a little tipsy) being cornered by a few fans at a bar one night and they ask him what’s the best thing about coming out, expecting him to say something motivating like self-expression and liberation and shane just goes

“i don’t know, probably that i can have ilya’s photos on my phone now :).”

and the whole of non bigot hockey twt just fucking crash out and montreal metros and crowell gets burned at the stake

[bugslibraryy]

The thing about the bathroom scene is Shane is like fucking drunk at the thought of getting what he had that first time with Ilya.

Like yes he’s mad he’s so fucking pissed and upset and grumpy and fed up at Ilya’s behaviour at the ghosting at teasing him as they presented the award but he’s also so fucking starving. So fucking needy. Desperate at the thought that Ilya can give him this pleasure he had for the first time in his life. That Ilya holds on his palms this shiny golden thing that makes Shane collapse to his knees, that makes his stomach ache, that makes his body warp and go molten and makes him want to bed. Ilya showed him this pleasure so dizzy good and hot and brilliant and fire bright- and Shane, Shane wants it again he fucking needs it again it makes his head spin with need with want the thought that he could have it again. The mind blank the pleasure the thrill the need the way his body felt so real so alive felt so perfect so needed. The way heat pushed into him- the way he felt used and cared for and good and aching.

He wants it again so badly it makes him feel insane. He turns the memory over and over in his head every fucking night- if it was a physical thing it would be worn and tattered at the corners, a worry stone gone smooth from his thumb pressing over it over and over. He grips himself in his hand and tries to put his fingers inside to make up some kind of memory of the pleasure of being on the sun on being made of honey but it’s never just enough. And then then Ilya is there and Shane fucking hates him and shane fucking needs him he’s the only one that can give Shane what he needs. And he wants to be angry he does but all he can do is beg. Is go soft eyed and wet mouthed and hungry hungry when the heatweightsmellpromise of Ilya is there in that bathroom, filling the space till his shoulders hit the walls and Shane is already going fuzzy and he just neeeds he needs he needs it again, please, even if he has to be beg, even if he can’t stay angry- he can be good he just needs, please Ilya, please you showed me this perfect thing and took it away and I just want to touch my fingers to the edges of the treasure one more time just one last time would be enough please.

[argillaforma]

one of their earliest hookups and ilya comes in like a minute and he's like fuck fuck fuck fuck my reputation as big bad russian stallion is ruined forever this is so bad hollander is never going to hook up with me again meanwhile shane is floating somewhere in space and he thinks it's the hottest thing in the world that he managed to make rozanov come in barely a minute

[jewelcoatfish]

people at david’s place of work having a game called: is he talking about shane hollander or ilya rozanov? because david brags about them by referring to both of them as “my son”, and he’s not entirely aware he’s causing confusion either, so now his place of work knows a lot and at the same time very little about shane and ilya lmao

[tinylilhollander]

Ilya always has a mop of frizzy wild curls at the cottage because

They're always in and out of the water – lake swims, pool swims, hot tub, showers – so doing his curl routine each time would be crazy when he could be spending that precious time sucking his boyfriend's dick.

Shane's not the biggest fan of how Ilya's styling products feel. He'll tolerate it, but Ilya can tell by his face that the texture isn't his favourite. Less product = more hair touching.

Shane's hands are always in his hair. When they're kissing. When they're watching a movie. When they fuck. When Ilya sits with his head in Shane's lap. When they're napping on the couch together. Shane's hands are usually full of a handful of Ilya's curls.

Shane seems to really like it. One time Shane said Ilya's fluffy hair made him look like a duckling and he's been chasing that high ever since.

He just prefers this version of him that doesn't need to look perfect and be perfect to be loved and adored. Shane never makes him feel lazy for letting his hair get a little wild over summer. He kisses his temples and tells him he's so fucking beautiful.

[fixielixie]

shane likes ilya so much he thinks he’s so funny that his dick is so huge that he’s so hot and hes a better hockey player than literally every other person shane knows like that’s his Man that’s his Guy. everyone else calls shane boring and they mean it as an insult but shane doesnt care bc when ilya says it he means ur the most fascinating creature i have ever met so thats what boring means to him now it means that he is loved for all of him

[themoonandmyman]

We’ve talked at length today about Ilya’s horrific childhood but can we re-centre the unrestrained joy of a man who never truly got to be a child, falling in love with the safest man in the world, who also never truly got to be a kid, and both of them learning to play again? Silly roleplay, doing bits, making inside jokes, wrestling each other and playing video games and chasing each other throughout the cottage with a towel for Butt Whoopin’. Laughing like maniacs. Let’s all live forever..

[allesfresser]

His tomato🍅