Aren't we all just dreaming?

☆ ~Happy Pride!! 🏳️‍🌈~ ☆

[starhaze-taii]

I wish comfort wasn't so hard to get.

Even my words get abused, hidden bruises as private as the words themselves

[starhaze-taii]

There is a storm in– Our hearts. And it roars at night. Avoid the lightning.

[starhaze-taii]

Secure;content. Happy with my actions, Their reactions are my repent.

Ahead of me on the ladder, Too high up, Count your blessings.

'Cause after today, The ladder might fall, And you'll be grasping onto heaven.

Insecurities, Breath against my skin. Goose flesh when I realize, I'm not enough when someone better is in the room.

Deep shallow gasps, When I ask, For absence of inadequacy. A legacy, Of a face so smug.

Insecure, I'm feeling so Insecure. A feeling that is a burden, Because it eats me from inside then out.

I won't reach for the rain, When your mind is set ablaze, To the words that still remain,

Inside.

And I'll still maintain, a relationship with the pain, of feeling less than someone who was,

Beside myself.

[starhaze-taii]

I'm binded to my family's mistakes, Its sucks, It does.

I'm blinded by the array of hope, I love, I love.

To fall.

Into

Imagination.

It's my blanket.

My lullaby from misery.

My night light,

My escape.

don't wait up,

Because I'm in too deep.

I need to sleep.

To dream.

Of better times.

[starhaze-taii]

GROWING PAINS

I just need a bit of time, Where I can sit and wait.

Don't wanna grow above the trees, Inside of my pot is where I'll be.

Maybe I don't want to grow.

Maybe I want go.

Far away from where they know me, Far away from who they know.

I think I've always had this pain, I don't know if I can handle this kind of pain.

I'm too young to feel this kind of pain.

I'm too old to cry over it.

I feel their are intruders in my own brain,

I gotta cry over it.

Don't wanna grow above the trees,

Where the storm hits,

Inside of my pot is where I'll be.

Roots still planted, Can't be uprooted.

Can't Try To Let go.

Can't let me,

Grow.

But if I must, Then I will.

Tears in my eyes while I write this, My eyes look green in this light.

I'm aching.

[starhaze-taii]

Unable to Scream

"Born into a life, living a life, dying in a life that was never mine."

I grip at my chest, and rip out my heart. It pumps blood for you, you know? This is merely the start. I don't bleed from unhealable wounds I bleed for your satisfaction. I bleed because that's the only way I get seen! I bleed because people only take a look if I bleed with something worth a reaction. Coursing through my veins, exploited compassion. What's next? Want my brain too? Want to look in the back of my mind? Want to see when I lie and what's true? What? Do you want my lungs? Breathless gasps for air, just making a scene so I can get seen, better if they stare. I just need something constant, since I can't trust my body to keep working consistently. God, traversing all seven seas, just for you to see. Take my eyes, take a look at the monsters I witness. Realize, that looking in the mirror doesn't mean you see. It means you overlook what's under your skin. I've got nothing more, so call me a man with no heart that's made of pure tin. Lost everything, no more teeth, I'm left with the last lonely grin.

Dying heart in my hand, pumping chasms that crumble to sand, I'm on two broken legs, falling, no, I can’t stand.

Lost my mind to the shattered, I'm falling, yeah, falling apart, but first my parts must be scattered. Come on, don’t tell me you’re scared now? Now that you see me half blinded, your pity silence while you let this be allowed.

Come on, my heart’s still got blood for you, not me, let it seep into wounds that you feel are internal, wounds that are emotionally deep. I’ve got scars you can’t believe ones that you forced me to keep. Or should I say ones that you forced me to get off and leave.

I’ve lost my personality. Chucked it out to the ocean. Cuts on my face, you forced me to endure. Cuts on my world haven’t you had enough to steal? Haven’t you had enough, sir?

Because when I was born you were counting my heartbeat, starting the countdown till I fall over and die. Born into a life, living a life, dying in a life that was never mine. Forced to color within your lines. Now I am free, but with a cost that is, a hollow voice no longer out and about but confined.

I grip at my chest now, not to rip out a new heart to show you what’s absent of me because of your greed, endless needing and endless seeds in the leftovers of my mind, planted for you to grow another corpse for your satisfaction another source of ideas and ingenuine compassion.

[starhaze-taii]

one of my first poems that genuinely felt good enough to post 💙

[starhaze-taii]

First I write, Then I hurt.

First I write, Then I divert.

Pull over, Grab the wheel, Push the pedal, We skrt.

I inert. Sluggish fool.

I assert,

Attention.

Wrongfully so,

But at the very least

It's covert.

[starhaze-taii]

Cents of Self

You, me, Together; apart. Pale eyes, Eyes wide, Too shocked to count nickels.

Back turned away. I always falter, When your back's turned away.

In sidewalk cracks, We break Our hearts.

We slip between, The walls of self-deprecation.

Under water, Pocket change floats.

Head rises above the surface Of indignation.

Us; Warding each other away from Quarters and pennies. Always away from change

[starhaze-taii]

I AM NOT OKAY

'I'm so sorry for any discrepancies, but I can't come to the phone right now.

Please don't

Leave Me

a message.'

Watching water boil Through rose tinted glasses An empty pot amongst me Hot water spills to my feet

Boils on my skin pop faster than my thought bubbles

Feel the heat on my cheek I turn my cheek

Push the flaws of my lineage to me and I dissolve

Our only exit in life is the one that we choose

The door melts from the loss of progression

Interception of thought, Is a loss of our mind's muse.

Tied to the train tracks won't someone tie me to a hot air balloon

Start up the fire to fly me away

Or throw in the coal to take me away

Either way, My mind will falter and die some day.

Something feels wrong. My dresser feels small My words seem big My face looks unfamiliar,

My face looks like a stranger's.

My mind is feeling stranger.

'The person you are trying to reach is not accepting calls at this time.

Please for once try your call again later.'

Could you open the door for me? Or maybe Open your ears for me? Could you listen to my voice Like how You listen to the wind?

Giving nature more room to speak than you ever did me?

'We're sorry; the number you have dialed is not in service.

You're always too late.'

I am not okay.

[starhaze-taii]

KARDIA

Take my heart out and stab it. Grab the dagger And cut.

Want me Screaming in agony. Too much yet never enough.

And maybe I let you do it.

Maybe I gave you the knife.

Maybe I was scared of living.

A fear that cost me my life.

So put my heart on a porcelain plate. Silverware neatly beside it.

My heart's the coldest meal you ever ate. You try but you can't deny it.

Dig your fork into my aorta.

Chew my ventricles to shreds.

Lick the blood from your lips, oh how it drips.

The more you indulge yourself, the more painful it gets

For me.

Insert the blade into my chest, take the heart out my body.

No mercy.

[starhaze-taii]

TWO-FACED

Sometimes I want to ditch all my friends even the ones that are good for me.

Because they've seen parts of me I have never wanted seen.

Parts of me that are so fucking mean, so fucking disrespectful

more than others like to believe.

—

God, I want your life, even if your favorite flavor's pity.

Maybe I could be liked if I moved to a brand-new city.

I only like a handful of pieces of myself, so maybe I could find something in you to steal since I’m so picky.

You caught me at a crossroads, stuck in a place that’s super sticky.

Again, again stop with your damn pity.

I hate it, so stop saying “poor you” with that condescending tone.

I hate my superiors with their smug faces and loud voices

still immature even though they are grown.

—

“Shut up. You’re fine. Really just try to have a good day.

Don’t be so dramatic when others are suffering far worse fates.

You’re not facing death, so chin up and look the other way.”

Honestly, I’m fine.

I think 'I’m okay.'

–

No, no its alright.

I'll turn a blind eye since I'm so two-faced.

anger in my veins but envy in my eyes. Who are you talking to? Not even I know which side.

I hate everyone sometimes, which makes me feel so cruel when

you're

always

so

kind.

[starhaze-taii]

NEVER MIND

I wanted Honesty. I wanted it Blunt. I was grasping for "Closure". But truthfully. . . I wanted you. I needed to hear it. Refused to believe that it was true. The clouds watched from afar, the sky stood witness too. My cheeks were rosy, flushed, face a shade of red then blue. Regrets in my back pocket, I'm walkin', down endless trails. My heart full of betrayal. Emotions that were left up in the air are now stagnant and stale.

My skin is ghost-white and pale, and there's a conflict in my head that has me split in two.

Envy and Anger, they blur the truth.

They make me think,

maybe I'm still waiting. . .waiting for you. – I'm coughin',

I'm love sick,

I chose this.

I'm done dodging paths. I'm done being cautious.

I’ve tried to push it away, to tilt what was already made.

Really what I'm trying to say,

is that I was hoping that you were a certain way. Something that would feed my internal craze, but you never crossed that line.

I fracture myself a little bit more everytime, when i look up to the sky and wish that you were mine.

And I hate to lie, and say that I'm just fine. So when you ask me, “Are you okay?”

All I’ll say—

is 'never mind.'

[starhaze-taii]

Brain Fog

I've lost all sensation, Numb to these forgotten words. I try to think, But the fog hides whatever sense of self I had in these waters. Words, words, words. I spoke them so clearly but now they seem shallow. A drain within my ocean of mind, sucking my mortality into a whirlpool. I sit all day and night, rock-bottom never feeling so delightful. Uncomfortable yet it grasps me with warm hands and a silhouette of a smile. I turn my head to stare at the crinkled waves of my brain, but the work of having to think is too problematic. I am far too idiotic in the state I am in to swim in treacherous waters. So I'll let laziness consume me, and wait until I am forced out of this brain fog.

[starhaze-taii]

I Am Only Finding Fragments

I took off my glasses and looked into the mirror from a distance. My face was blurred, and my eyes were nothing more than two dark splotches. Cold, lifeless. And when I put my glasses back on, nothing changed. Of course, I could now see clearer, but my eyes didn't change. They still looked like two muddled splotches on my face, lost and desperate. Wondering where they went wrong, and how to retrace their steps to find where our past way of thinking went. But they couldn't, they couldn't find what was missing because it was already gone. The past daydreams are now submerged in the cold water, the mystical ink that once described fantasies now faded and muddled. Just like my eyes. Except the ink used to hold something meaningful, and my eyes simply held onto whatever caught my attention, which usually was never something meaningful. More so mundane, and trivial. Though it wasn't always like that, I suppose, now it's been so long I have forgotten when the hands of my soul stopped grasping at the more important details of life, and everything started slipping from my mind. Joyous memories, or joyous thoughts of what could have been.

I forget, I forget when my soul stopped reaching out of my eyes, and backed away from responsibility, simply pulled the plug and went down the drain without a second thought. No need for concern about a lack of passion or empathy for myself and others, it's just my soul's on a break, and they're prone to staying out past curfew...... I think.

[starhaze-taii]

Hey uh, just wanna pop in to say....

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I love the imagery, symbolism, and just how you portray emotion in your lines of poetry AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH KEEP BEING AMAZING AND HAVE A THE LOVELIEST DAY THE FATES CAM GRANT UPON YOU

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH, I LOVE YOUR ENERGYYYYY SO MUCH. thank you for the compliments, and I'd just like to say....

.........

......you seem rlly coolio 😎😎I HOPE YOUR DAY IS THE MOST WONDERFULEST DAY EVERRRR

[starhaze-taii]

Resentimiento

Habla con el corazón, no con la mente, deja las excusas, olvida la gente.

While we were sitting alone, I told you not to speak from your thoughts. Nothing ever good comes from your mind. Because while you picked at the scab on your knee, I was hatching a plan

to leave you behind.

Tú eres mi amor, pero odio tu forma de hablar.

Selfish words spew from your mouth; every syllable smells foul. Holding my grievances inside, my oblivious face contorts into a scowl.

Yo no te necesito anymore. You were everything, but the consequences cannot be ignored. El brillo de tus ojos se ha apagado lost your touch and effect on me galore.

Now there’s a hole in my lung from where you bored, robándome el aire que respiro Taking away bits of love, Practically begging me to beg you for more.

—

No, I don’t want it. I don’t want you.

Te amo. I hate you. Tú eres guapo.

The sounds that come out of your mouth are hideous and untrue.

Hideous and venomous I can’t help but think of you. Whether it’s when I get déjà vu, or when I feel relieved that my life doesn’t revolve around the things you do.

[starhaze-taii]

Hurting

I've been tripping and ripping apart my skin, okay? It's been hurting my ego to put up with shit this way. Put me before it, I try to ignore it, Push away my fate… Because once I explore it, I seem to adore it, And I become the fisherman’s bait.

In a tub, I'm the worm that drags the fish to sway. They think I'm their grub, But I'm just here to lure them to prey. I sit beside him in the boat, get close to his ear and say, "You better wake up, because we're about to drown inside your lake."

My eyes reek of tears, And there is something I want to say— Get it off my chest so I can sleep, So I can run, even though I want to lay.

Oops, oh brother, I just happen to be caught under The monster hiding in your closet—its eyes are open, it's wide awake. Chattering while it walks... Oh wow, it's just skeletal remains.

Can't let me forget That I'm just the salt that's in the lake, The ripples within the waves, The one whose throat hurts from screams that are a second away from craze.

Shouting at the mirror, It's been lying to my face— Showing me what's on the inside, Instead of showing me the delusions that I chase.

Dissolving in dreams, War inside the peace, Hurt that barks aloud and makes me want to fall to my bruised knees. Lights are on, no one’s home, but I still gotta pay the lease.

I'm feeling hurt now, so I'll get up, take a nap, ride the breeze.

Tired and low-key hurting, shouldn’t have let me feel. 365 days of indignation—cut to the matter that is raw and real.

—

Poet's note: I hope if you read this, you liked it...?