My shows name is called Celestials Diablums. This is Max's lore in sort of a poetic way.
I look in the mirror and I see happiness that is not my own. Its a reflection of who I desperately want to carve myself into. I claw at that reflection, I want it to replace me.
My name is Max. I am a puppet, controlled by the world around me. If it wants me to be bubbly, happy, content, I will be. If it wants me to be friendly, patient, excited, or loving, I will be. I have to be. So, I will be. I want to be loved easily, even if I cant be. I yearn to be told things gently, with soft words I can understand, but I can't have that. It would be too easy. This world is so loud, like a cacophony of dishes hitting the floor pile after pile non stop crashing and banging. I want the world to stop but that would be too easy.
I should be happy right? I grew up in a rich neighborhood, with both my parents who said they loved me. They took me to Church every Sunday, told me God would love me when no one else did. Told me faith was the solution to any problem I would ever have. They gave me toys if I behaved. They fed me, gave me a home, and gave me life. So why am I not happy?
Was it when I was bullied for being different in school? Am I not over their juvenile taunts? Was it when I had to take tests to see if I needed to get modifications for my homework and tests? Was it when my parents took me away from that school, claiming no son of theirs could be autistic because God healed me when I was a child? No, it couldn't be that. Why am I not happy? Was it when I made my first "friends" and they said I was "too much to deal with" because I wanted to unmask around them, show them my true self that I was punished for at home but felt like I could be free around them? Why am I still not fucking happy. Was it in middle school when I had finally formed a real friend group that I had slowly been building since the first grade, when I finally felt good about myself, when I finally knew who I was, when I asked a boy to a dance, when I broke up with him because he outed me to my parents, when I was beat because of him, when he showed up to the dance, insisted on talking to me privately after we danced. Only to try to assult me in the bathroom. Is that why Im not happy? Or was it when my parents continued the beatings. When I was tired of the fights, abuse, the back and forth, the pain. When my mom kicked me out for good. When I had to leave my baby brother, my horse she got me to horseback ride to try and make me more of a man, when I left my childhood home, my father who did little to stop her? Was that when I stopped being happy? Was I ever really happy?
When I left, I finally got to grow my hair out. I loved it. I was able to go to culinary school too! They had room and board, and I was given a years worth of scholarships after I got a job at a restaurant that was known for helping culinary students. I had applied to 2 culinary schools behind my moms back, and I got into it. My dreams were becoming real but I still am not happy? Why? Why. WHY! why.
Was I even happy when I got my first job? With my friend, who I had lost contact with when I was kicked out. It was by chance that I ended up moving to the same village/town as her, but I was kinda excited. Even then I didnt let my mask slip. She and I were different, too different. I kept my distance, I didnt want to scare her, I was so new, she had to re learn everything she thought she knew.
I will pretend I am the old me, then show her I have changed slowly. The restaurant we work at is for people like me, neurodivergent people. She has adhd, shes sort of like me. Maybe I can be me here, even for a few minutes. Maybe I am happy? At least in this moment.
I'm still fucking unhappy. Every time I see you in the mirror I am pained. Can't I be happy, reallt happy just for one day? Im exhausted pretending. Let me be free of this.
I met a man today, he wants to be friends. I cant allow myself to be happy, he will see who I am at my core and be gone soon. He wants to meet again? Ive seen him for about 2 months, we are friends? He wants me to meet this guy, I thought his name was Derek but its Darren?? He sounds nice from what Xaviers told me.Darren and I have been friends for less than I year, and this is the most genuine happiness I have ever felt. I dont deserve it. He hasn't seen my mask crack or falter. What if he sees me for what I really am and becomes disgusted. I want to be happy fuck this. I deserve happiness....I think.
I think Darren was made to be my Juliet. Or my anchor. I let the mask slip. We were out having lunch and I was shutting down. He asked if I wanted to go back to his place to lay down. I got there and I didn't want to be touched, talked too, or be around him, and I felt horrible but I couldn't bring myself to speak. He didnt care. HE. DIDNT. CARE. He texted me, asked if I needed or WANTED space. He ASKED. I started crying, it was so basic, so harmless, so sweet. Why am I like this. He takes care of me, even when I know its hard to, he does it cause I think he's a soft hearted man deep (not too deep) down. He treats me the way Ive been praying for without me having to ask, beg, or pray for it. Why? Do I even deserve this type of lov-
Its not love. Its never love.
I will keep pretending until I deserve it. He makes me feel worthy. I feel disgusting. He makes me feel lovable. He makes me feel confident. I love myself. I think I really am happier. I am happy. I am deserving because I say I am. Yeah. I am worthy of this love. I am finally, happy. I unmasked, he stayed, he built me up, I did the work to keep the mask off and succeed. I can finally be happy. I can deserve to be happy. I was so tired.
I dont feel like I need permission from the world to love myself anymore. Its hard, I have lots of bad days when Darren has to carry me through the day, an hour, 4 hours, a week, 3 days, a month even. Days where he washes my hair, my body, makes my bed, does all the laundry, drives his kids to school and home, calls me out of work or forces me to get up and do anything for one hour. Life is burdening. Life is so beautiful. I want it to stop, he makes it stop as much as he can. He makes me want to be better. I am better, because I want to be. I stopped waiting for the world to be a place for me, I made a place for myself because I want to be here. I will take up space, I will be weird in public, I will feel everything deeply, I will love, hate, and yearn for more. I will feel. I will live. I love to want. I love to love. I feel true happiness. For once in my life, I dont have to question it. Fuck I love him. He made me fall in love with myself. He makes me feel seen, heard, loved. I am finally seen, I am finally heard, I am finally loved unconditionally. I am allowed to love, to be happy. The waves want to pull me down now. They want me to drown so I can feel as I once was, but I have ways to stop myself from drowning. It doesn't mean I won't struggle to stay above water, but I refuse to drown. If I drown, he will be there with a life ring, a boat, and words of warmth to help keep me on board with him after the storm kocked me over board. He holds me so softly, treats me so tender, he is everything. When I dont love myself, he gives me reasons why Im wrong. I love myself so much because he showed me I could be easy to love, even when he saw me on my worst days.