stars and stanzas

Poetry and sometimes just screaming into the void it depends on the mood

[rockets]

Grace having a very Eridian time of his life.

(I also have this up on my etsy! <3)

[kyoukorpse]

Someone to be brave for.

excerpt is from chapter 29 of the novel.

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[starsandstanzas]

Not to be dramatic or anything but I think if one more male authority figure in my life turns out to be a creep I think I’m going to lose my faith in all men and jump

[hinamie]

starstruck !☆

[starsandstanzas]

And you know what, I have treated you with kindness despite what you did and you admitted to me that you couldn’t have done the same. I can’t decide if I love you or hate you for admitting that to me.

[starsandstanzas]

Today my mother said,

“My love, you have always been like this,”

In a filthy smoothie shop with a fruit bowl in front of me, I said,

“I know.”

She looked at me and frowned her sympathy,

“In elementary school you were angry. And then, in middle school you were sad.”

There were people in the shop, behind us. Picking up a to-go order.

“I know.”

The people behind the counter laughed with each other.

“High school, you seem to be doing better,” she smiled and sipped at her drink.

A box fell. The heater kicked on, I heard the vents.

I looked at her for a moment.

“No. Now, I’m just kind of sad and then angry.”

Someone else walked in.

Her smile fell and she looked at me like one of her clients.

“I’m sorry, baby.”

Voices talked at the counter, again.

Me too.

I’m sorry. I’m tired.

I wish I could’ve been born without this burden weighing on you.

“I think it’s one of your greatest strengths. You feel so much, for everyone.”

What?

How?

I’m so lonely.

But,

Thank you.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I’m still sorry.

[starsandstanzas]

Sometimes I feel like I’m withering away in this damn city

Sometimes the skyscrapers feel like walls

[wordfather]

the only way out is through but fuuuuuuuuuck fuuuuucckkkk cant i like scooch past or something

[starsandstanzas]

“The home is in the people not the place”

Until you threaten to take my hometown from me and now all I can think about is that I will go off to college and you will make a new home in a new place and when I come home for the summer I will be leaving home instead of coming home. I will sleep in the guest bedroom and the ghost of my posters and books and plants will haunt me in my dreams.

[starsandstanzas]

Man sometimes I really hate my friends. Like I’m just filled with rage because I feel like I’ve never been treated right in my life. I’m bitter and angry but most of all I’m scared. I don’t want to feel like this forever. I was supposed to leave all this in my past but it clawed its way back up. I’m so tired.

[starsandstanzas]

sometimes my love for you feels like a stab wound

Sunk into my liver

Blood flowing in rivulets

down my side

I can’t intoxicate you.

and I wonder how this happened

Drowning drowning drowning

I wonder how this happened

How my own hands betrayed me

They look an awful lot like your own

No, my own hands betrayed me.

Do I want them to be yours?

I cradle my love for you

It grows and wraps its roots around my wrists

Soothing and bruising at the very same time

Sometimes in my dreams you are cloaked in light

Carrying a scythe

And truthfully none of it is your fault

And none of it is hers either

But I still feel this way

I can act like I don’t

But I’m a fool for ever pretending

Sometimes I feel like

A fool for ever trying

And yet I hold out hope

That in tens years time maybe I can learn to love you without a knife in my side

[starsandstanzas]

Something that haunts me is that no matter what your beliefs are, there is a fundamental truth that after we die we will either cease to exist at some point OR we exist forever and both those options make me sick to my stomach tbh

[starsandstanzas]

Not to be a fucking cornball but when did we grow up?

I have a car that I drive to work everyday,

And a credit card that I use buy myself dinner,

I use things like excel spreadsheets and review my monthly bank statements,

People call me things like “ma’m”

And ask me things like,

“Do you work here?”

“When will you be home?”

“What do you want to do with your life?”

And I teach my sister things all the time, which I never did before because I didn’t really know anything beyond where I went to school and what my friends’ names were.

But, somehow, all this time had passed and I’ve carved out a little life for myself,

And that life holds a lot of people that may never see my mother’s face or hear my sister’s voice.

And I’m reminded suddenly that four years ago, all of this seemed really fucking scary,

But somehow I’ve stumbled into it,

And however afraid I am for the future and for change,

I think I’m a lot more ready than I thought I would be.

[starsandstanzas]

One time my sister pulled up the school directory and made fun of all the awkward kids in her grade and it haunts me because it doesn’t matter how cool she thought I was when she was seven and I was twelve, that was me. I was awkward and weird. And my sister sat there and laughed at their glasses and their hair and the awkward sixth grader in me kind of withered and the high-school junior in me wondered where I went wrong in raising her. I know that’s cruel but I was supposed to help her become better. It’s my job to teach her to be both gentle and strong. But she sat there and made fun of kids just like me. Kids just trying to figure themselves out in the only way they know how. I remember being twelve and confused. I remember feeling lonely. I remember knowing I was a kid being pulled up in the directory and mocked at.

[starsandstanzas]

Art school haunts me. When it’s dark outside and the math homework starts piling up, and I’m watching the glow of my computer explain fluid mechanics, my sketchbooks hum at me from across the room. They sing a lullaby I think I once knew.

[starsandstanzas]

13 year old me would think I’m the coolest person ever and she’d look at me with stars in her eyes and think I’m invincible and then I’d tell her a secret: that being vulnerable was the key all along and that I am the way I am because I feel and I feel and I feel

[starsandstanzas]

“And the universe said I love you because you are love”

What the actual FUCK