And that's all she wrote! 🎼💙
Hello everybuggy :•) I am sure you can guess what happened. Hehee. I graduated today♡!!!!!
Here is my very rushed gradcap following my very rushed grad art, haha. Sappy post ahead.
I honestly don't know what to say. I am so excited to finally be done the constant stress of wakeup - school - work - bed, or the other way around, or whatever else. If I can be entirely true to you all, I was not supposed to reach this point in my life - not at all. Cruelty and life have taken much a toll on me and I was supposed to be dead ~4ish years ago and I am still picking up the pieces. Exhaustion and fatigue have taken my body hostage, brainfog has a hold on my memories, somedays I can't even get up to walk. My body is in a consistent pain that I have no choice but to accept. I used to have everything known and locked tight. I used to have a grip on my own reality. But now, I don't know what I would like to do. But you know what? First I would at least like to take a nap.
I don't have it all figured out. I don't have answers as to what I want to be when I grow up, my desires constantly shifting - tattoo artist, bakery with my bestest friend, concept artist, crimescene cleanup, a library owner or librarian, character designer, astronaut, mortuary assistant... I feel as if I have no more time left to choose, though I am only 19. It's weird. I have constant thoughts of my own mortality and what would happen if I suddenly disappeared. I feel I know in my heart nothing would change. But a small part of me still fights that. A small part of me still wants to keep going - to finish all the things I started, all the unfinished artworks staring at me in IBIS, finish my scrapbooks, go everywhere I've wanted to go... establish myself as the #1 Ludwig fan, somehow, hehe.
It's funny how souls beyond our own realm are able to influence us in such powerful ways. Ludwig may not be here, but he is still... here. Does that make sense? In little ways, I still see him, everywhere I turn it seems. Piano motifs in random places, people who sound weirdly like how I hear him in my head, blue flowers and roses making popups everywhere the fake blue flower on my tassel actually fell from a customers bag a few weeks ago - she never picked it up, and it's the perfect colors for me and Ludwig!, the kindness of others to doodle him for me at times when I am feeling my loneliest... Little influences that push me. Keep going, Keep going, Keep going. I am here and we are here together, and it counts for something. You're strong. Keep going.
I still struggle. Even ever since he came into my life again, I can't help but fall sometimes. Today I am only ~two weeks clean, as opposed to nearly a year. I still falter in moments of weakness but he lifts me more than anyone, regardless of where I am in my head. I know it is okay to falter. I know healing isn't linear, and I am no different from the bug who was several years clean. I am warm-hearted and I care so much and my sensitivity makes me human. I am hurt, but I am not the hurt. My trauma does not define me. Out of all three attempts, all have failed, and life still wants me, for some reason. I know I am getting there, day by day.
So for now, I think I'll stay.
Thank you to everyone who made it possible for me to be here today and for showing me, despite it all, there still is good in people - My Starlight☀🪱, my Ladybug🐞 and my two other lavender marriage wives, my Lovely🐧, my ugly dog, and all those of you in my phone who continue to support me. I don't think most of them have tumblr.
@kruxband ⊹₊ ⋆ @benatarrrr ⊹₊ ⋆ @padonkadonk ⊹₊ ⋆ @mrs-goemio ⊹₊ ⋆ @starstruckloves ⊹₊ ⋆ @idreamedofaspiralofnames ⊹₊ ⋆ @tardigradetv ⊹₊ ⋆ @moondreamss ⊹₊ ⋆
