Ik I've been v inactive on here for the last few months, and I apologize for that, but I wanted to let people know that's I'm ok/alive. I also apologize for not making an announcement post like I have before previous hiatuses, but on top of the fact that this wasn't necessarily planned like the previous ones, I'd more or less just repeating the same things I talked about in the other posts; mainly, struggling with mental health issues, identity problems, and family issues, all of this not helped by a recent death in my family (of a pet, but family nonetheless) that I'm not going to get into here. Plus, part of me felt embarrassed and ashamed about making yet another hiatus post after barely posting after the second one, but I guess it doesn't really matter now.
however, I'm pretty sure that the biggest roadblock at this point is perfection paralysis; I can't say why exactly, but I've Never been more terrified of not being good enough than I currently am. I've attempted numerous times to draw while I've been gone and have what must be 20 different scrapped WIPs because I just couldn't get anything to turn out like I wanted it to. Note that I do understand that "perfect" — "good", even — is extremely subjective when it comes to art, but I've always struggled to actually convince myself of that.
plus... I don't know if this is Actually the case or not, but I feel as though the internet as a whole has grown increasingly more hostile towards artists in the recent years, and I suspect that the whole AI art debacle is a massive contributor to that (I am Very much anti-GenAI, but I feel that the anti-AI art crowd (at least online) is, ironically, being just as vitriolic and toxic towards actual non-AI artists as pro-AI art people are, because this entire discourse has become less about combating the genuine harm that GenAI causes to artists, the environment, and etc and more about people Going On A Moral Pitch-Fork Wielding Crusade Every Chance They Get and Using It As An Excuse To Attack Artists Whose Art Styles They Don't Personally Like, which has led to artists who've been drawing in certain styles and having certain quirks in their work for Decades being dogpiled over false and baseless AI art accusations, which is something I've admittedly been afraid of (bc I know there's plenty in my art I don't get right) and may have at least in part contributed to my current fear of imperfection. but I'm rambling). but whatever the reason is, even though I've been lucky enough to avoid being involved in drama, it's really not something I'm willing to deal with in my current mental state right now. note that I'm not blaming any specific person or group for my own problems, but that's just where we're at right now.
now, with all that being said... unlike the previous hiatuses, I've actually managed to get access to an actual therapist this time around, so hopefully that goes somewhere significant. this blog is not dead and I'm not completely abandoning this blog in any way; I just need to time to find myself, to figure out where I'm headed, what direction I want to take my art career (for lack of a better term), and generally working on actually getting better. so, commissions will continue to be closed until I feel that I'm ready to open them back up, and art will be scarce (though not necessarily absent) until I'm ready to start up again.
I'd like to thank everyone who still follows me, and for continuing to support and engage with my art even in my absence; even though I haven't posted here, I still see everyone's reblogs and kind words, and I appreciate them a lot. and I really hope this all makes sense bc I'm very out of it right now but yeah
so... thank you for understanding, and hopefully I'll see you guys soon! 🌹