stella luna

i create beautiful and ugly things, i speak ugly and devastating words

[achillesinhighheels]

[vexheart]

[crimsolyn]

[fracturedporcelaindoll]

Music, Tea & Endless Thoughts ~

[stellalunapoetry]

i hate my life everyones cooler than me

i feel like im shouting into the void because i am. im writing this out on a blog site that has gone out of style and where no one will find me (i suppose i somehow find comfort in this loneliness that pains me so). i have not told anyone how i feel. not a friend, not a family member. i haven't returned any of their messages. i haven't even opened the letter my friend sent to me 2 months ago. it's been six months and i realize i have a pattern that started in middle school- one that involves irish-exiting out of every friendship that lasted long enough for feelings to get hurt.

i have this thing about doing things "at the right time". "At the right moment". "When I really need it". Where is the line drawn between saving kind words for a rainy day and absolute avoidance of any sort of friction? It seems as if i fear movement- like a slight step would lead way to an avalanche of unfortunate events. I feel sick.

i don't want to be this way. i've always wanted to be a lovely, bright, bubbly girl.

every path i took petered out. scientist. doctor. detective. lawyer. artist. actor. teacher. performer. nothing stuck and now i have nothing.

everyone else who chose something and stuck with it are reaping the benefits. New car, fresh set of nails, fresh blowout dyed to an impossible ashy beige blonde. Friends, lovers, dinners, gilded bathrooms, roses and trips to Japan.

I am at home alone, lonelier than i have ever been.

I feel like the 18 year old girl who spent her birthday on her own, after her only friend ditched her to go home. i feel like her when she was stuck in the rain at the train station- no battery, no umbrella, no way home. At least then- my dad started driving through the storm to pick me up. It took two hours. I sat there on a bench outside of a convenience store, next to a boy who was playing a mobile game. I remembered yearning to ask him what game was that because I was bored, alone, and desperate for human connection. I didn't say anything because I was afraid to come off as creepy and predatory. I've always felt like I disturbed people and disgusted them and inconvenienced them. The convenience store clerks wouldn't let me charge my phone in their sockets. I accepted it as them following company policy, but now I wonder if they were just being mean. I had just signed to an agency and had already filmed a few commercials.

I sat there alone, silent, watching the rain until my father arrived. I got in silently and daydreamed (or dissociated) the whole ride home- not saying a word.

That was my 18th birthday. My 19th was better: i still had no friends, but spent the day at a Van Gogh installation with my brother and father. In the evening, we joined my mom at a hotel buffet. I ate so much I almost went comatose in the bathroom. I cherish that memory.

I will turn 25 this year. It's inevitable. I don't know what to feel other than sadness.

I wish to be heard. I wish to be heard even in the absence of love, because right now it is so, so silent.

[stellalunapoetry]

is it suddenly cool to care again?

growing up as a teen in the 2010s, or "world post-Michael Jackson (2009)" as i segment it in my cerebellum (in my memory compartment, smartass), it was very "cool" to be a grumpy gal. A negative nancy, A debbie downer (btw why are all these alliterations womens' names? why don't we have blubbering bob?). Scowling, rolling eyes, and doing that thing with your eyes when you size people up by looking them up and down seemed like the hottest things a person could do.

Is it my frontal lobe developing? Is it all of ours simultaneously-causing the culture to shift into something more mature? Maybe trends are cyclical because the definition of what's trending is what YOUTH do. Maybe there's not much of a difference between boomers, genz, millenials, gen x blabla after all. Maybe every generation went through phases of life where their maturity determined the clothes they wear and the way they act.

Why am i suddenly more interested in conservative clothing? Why do i care again about wearing tank tops around other people? Why do I care about wearing a bra? Why do I feel shame again, the shame I felt in eigth grade, about my body hair?

Being chipper and more sociable is also something I associate with conservative society. Girls who look like they run a Wonyoungism account in perfect Southeast Asian fashion boutique clothing that always seem to fit them just right. No body part out of place, no blemish to reject- only cute perfectly placed moles.

Being grungy and never smiling is what I associate with extreme liberalism for some reason. It makes me wonder- where do I stand?

I've always been a bit of a punk. And no- that doesn't mean having a 4 inch tall spiky mohawk, loud almost-broken boombox blasting garage grunge, and a vendetta against society.

Punk is not something that is easily labled or categorized because it is the antithesis of system. Punk, really is a lifestyle- one you cannot switch on and off. You either go with the grain, or against. To line up all "aspiring punks" in a row and smartly point to a buckle here and a eyelash there and screech "THAT'S NOT PUNK!" is 1) so frckin lame 2) so CRINGE 3) super facist behavior! Hello fashion police!

(sidenote: while i am a ww2 buff (in the most respectful way, i do not romanticize the time) and would love to make a historical reference to current affairs, i would like to pretend we are at a dinner table and remember the rules about what not to speak of: politics, religion, and,,,,sex? idk i grew up with the most salacious prudes)

I have never felt as free as when I regularly use "LOL", "LMAO", and even the occasional "ROFL". I might even type "olo" from time to time. And I've begun using kaomoji again. And I actually use emojis in my text even the cringe one where it's the bald yellow dude rolling diagonally while laughing. You know that one. (>30)/

I've begun to paint again, and I've picked up a physical hobby. It's a puzzle that I can't be bothered explaining right now but it's very relaxing. I also write more; I made this new tumblr page, because I'm laying my 14 year old self's one to rest. I think that girl is so cool, until she decided to try to be cool in other's people's eyes. That's when it all fell apart and I lost her to honestly quite forgettable years. But now every experience feels so strong, so vivid. It's like I see colors and lights I've never noticed. I feel, now more than ever, that my life is so special. And I care about it so much. And I care about everyone I know so much. And I love so much and I can say it and no one will look at me different or shut me off or try to reign me in.

I feel free.

I still feel bad about things I've done in recent years. I still feel guilty about all the times I was unintentionally mean to someone (or intentionally), when I was curt and short, or when I left off on bad terms with an old friend. I still feel the sadness in waves. The shame still comes and goes. But then I focus my eyes on what I see- lights flickering, people moving, lights shutting off, the restaurant's closing and people are going home.

[petitworld]

Hangzhou, China

[petitworld]

[via]

[afaerytalelife]

Walled Garden at Abbotsford, Scottish Borders. The home of Sir Walter Scott. Photography by Sheila Sim.

[inloveforevr-deactivated2025041]

Take up space . At work. In your relationships. On the train. Don’t make yourself small for anyone.

[green-is-the-garden]

Coughton Court Gardens |  Bob Radlinski

[myfairylily]

The Cotswolds | katy_campbell_house_hunter

[stellalunapoetry]

recession humor is back. the good times are here.

recession humor is back. Poop jokes are in. Satire, sarcasm, and scandal. I have high hopes for the entertainment world., but not for the economy. Not for long the future, however, is coming on and we will stay optimistic because all trends are cyclical- including how the world cycles between communism and socialism. That is a trend that flip flops at a rate comparable to what goes on in the fashion world. Skinny is in until It is out but wait it’s back in! Espadrilles became a joke even though be honest that’s what all your boyfriends wore. Emo is so back and hello side bangs and sepia filters! Then it’s bring back long dresses until it’s don’t wear dresses until it’s only where dresses again. We’re watching comedies again. Reading comics and getting lost in books. The world is yearning to return to a time before the internet’s omnipresence. Bookstores are in, record players and cassette players; milkshakes that cost 180 baht and easy to maintain hair colors. Everything moved so much slower back then- and that’s how it should be. Every moment should be savored as if a day lasted an entire lifetime. I can feel it slowing down. Everyone says Grandfather Time stood still during the pandemic but actually it was at its speediest. We were so stressed, so much happened that it became a blur. Perhaps a slower life is the way. Perhaps that may be why society is reverting to conservatism. Why women return to the hearth and men go to work. Maybe it really is that way. But maybe- just maybe: it is the challenge we have to face as evolved humans; a test to see if we’ll take a step back or proceed to another level progress, break through the glass window, survive only the fittest. Perhaps it really is perseverance that bands a society. Perhaps that’s really when home begins to feel like home. 

[stellalunapoetry]

esha tewari- rising indie star

"things I want" by esha tewari sounds like it was written in 2009 in the best way possible. It sounds like an ashley tisdale song, or a taylor swift before she became pop megastar taylor swift; "Nashville country girl with the curly hair" taylor. The song's bridge leading up to its chorus is perfect, the lyrics "I want to" and "I want you" encapsulates the vibe of easily-understood teen-music; tinged with the perfect hint of genuine emotion.

"beautiful boy" and "empty pages" sound like they belong in a life is strange game. Goodbye my american dream, hello Australian vision Esha Tewari.

I felt more raw emotion in the last strums of "empty pages" than in recent viral discographies. Tewari cries out in a way only a teenage girl could.

[stellalunapoetry]

hot blonde model with a buzzcut on a Levi's ad gave me hope for a better future (one where I loved the mirror)

I keep getting one specific ad on my reddit, and for the very firs time I'm not miffed by it. In the ad stands a extremely attractive model, but as I point out their unique features I hope my tone reads as genuine and sincerely appreciative as opposed to being backhanded. The model is alternative and ambiguous in every physical sense of the word. Their gender is ambiguous, ethnicity ambitious (although I'm leaning caucasian because of the blonde), and they have a buzzcut! The reason this buzzcut is what blew my mind is because even though I shouldn't make a conclusion about someone's gender identity just by their appearance- i recognize the femme presentation. The model has breasts (which isn't definitive of femininity but is feminine) and a voluptuous figure accented by the jeans being advertised. And atop their head- the freshest, bleach-iest ,coldest buzzcut I've ever seen.

I grew up being told I had to look a certain way. In fact, my first act of rebellion was shaving off half my head of long luscious virgin hair. When I started binding, in congruence to seeing the TV glow, I was told it didn't "match" my feminine looks- it wasn't "right". So I started wearing cute bras (non-push up only), grew out my hair, and began wearing makeup. While this isn't a commentary on my personal journey, it is a big part of why this repetitive advertisement became a light in the dark.

The first time I told my agent I wanted to cut my hair, she told me she'd only allow me (emphasis on allow) to if I lost 20 kgs (I was a 59 kgs 170cm tall athlete of mixed descent). When I first cut my hair on my own to chin-length, my mother didn't speak to me. She told me months later as I was crying over being too ugly for the industry "it's not that I don't like it, it's that mommy knows deep down you hate that you cut your hair".

So I was successfully gaslit again into putting the scissors down. I put them down, and grew out my hair. And then I did everything I was supposed to. Then I crashed out again, cut off all my hair at the height of my career and got shunned again. Repeat.

When I dyed my hair red for the first time (my first "alternative" color) I did it without telling anyone I was going to. I did it. Then I came home and was met with silence for one whole day until I received a begrudging "your hair is beautiful".

Now I want to go blonde. And I want a buzzcut. And I want to shave half and leave half- the Manchurian hairstyle of yesteryear because I think it indicates an extreme confidence in being completely alternative. Someone who shaves their head without necessity, especially where it is seen as unattractive, is someone who gives their hair up willingly in a society that values a full head. Someone who has such a strong sense of self that they decide to take a leap and just go for it. Or it's someone who's going through a crisis and feeling like they've losing grasp of who they are.

[stellalunapoetry]

the shrek franchise's prevalence in pop culture and how its clout remains immortal (a deep dive on imogen heap)

the best way to succeed as a musician is to be featured on a shrek soundtrack.

i have a theory that imogen heap's resurgence in mainstream culture and rise to stardom (ten years+ in the making) was due in big part to being involved with the shrek soundtrack.

as frou frou, she released "holding out for a hero"- the ending credit song of shrek. As imogen heap, her solo act and namesake, her song "headlock" propelled her into the gen z/gen alpha limelight (aka "stardom") when it began being used in Tiktok edits.

this is not to say that imogen heap is nothing without tiktok. Imogen is a music industry POWERHOUSE, and an incredibly talented musician, songwriter, producer, and artist herself. It is exactly her many hats (seriously, i would believe it if you told me she created whatever DAW she records on just like she did with the gloves) that maintained her career of having music as her bread and butter (i'm assuming)- even though she only just became a household name to the chronically online. She has remained musically relevant even though her face and name itself remained largely unknown. Being sampled by Travis Scott and other contemporaries in mega-viral Billboard hits made it so that her sound is identifiably and intrinsically hers. Before we knew who Imogen was, her beats told us: "she's good."

Even though mega-superstar Ariana Grande (a favorite in this household) kept consistent with her stance that Imogen Heap is her biggest musical inspiration, her fans didn't run over to Imogen's spotify to pump the streaming numbers (well in big part because spotify was relatively new back then and her fans were a little too young to be organizing streaming parties). Only when Headlock blew up on Tiktok was it when people started piecing it together.

Coincidentally, around the same time Shrek was having it's annual surge in popularity. For a movie often scoffed at as a child's film (a rather silly child too, at that), Shrek has remained a hot topic in the digital town square known as Internet culture.

So what came first? I don't know, but I do know that I had no idea Frou Frou, of Shrek fame, was the same person as Ariana Grande's idol (the idol of my idol!)

But when it clicked (or to be honest, when the headlines hit me in the face vis a vis the newspaper-boy making his rounds aka my Tiktok algorithm (who knows I am exactly the demographic of chronically online that spends hours doomscrolling - but doomscrolling through music, celebrity, and the occasional conspiracy theory videos; as if that makes me smarter or my time worth it (newsflash, it's not)), I just accepted it as fact. Of course that's Imogen Heap of Frou Frou. I knew that sound was familiar. It just clicked.

The fate of her music career was placed brick by brick, built into the algorithm and pop culture ecosphere years ago. She was always there. Song placed at the end of a critically acclaimed (im assuming) Dreamworks picture which ensues viewers retain some sort of Imoprint (Imogen imprint, get it? I'll stop), samples being used for musicians with mainstream cult, probably a well credited producer behind the scenes (I have a feeling i'm right), actually meaningful industry connections, consistent output of music irregardless of numbers or accolades that lead to a small but extremely aligned and passionate group of fans who really get her music (Ariana Grande, hello!!). She was always here. Brick by brick.

Now this post's title may be misleading, because i was trying to reach the conclusion that the best horse to bet on for a sustainable and famous musical career is to get featured on a Shrek soundtrack. Only Imogen would know if every step was intentional or not- whether everything was a beautifully aligned coincidence or that there is no such thing as a coincidence (William Knight, 2023).

Maybe the key to musical fame is to keep putting yourself out there. keep placing your bricks, because one day it won't just be a haphazard row of Tetris blocks but an actual house. Or a house that's actually a club; that would be more fitting. A packed club where the only music being played is Imogen Heap's entire discography, including the song featured at the end of the Shrek movie and everyone is wearing those crazy genius instrument-gloves (If you don't know what I'm talking about, Imogen invented gloves that you can wear to play music. The science is too cool for me to mess up explaining, so I highly recommend searching "imogen heap gloves").

Whatever any of this means, I am extremely happy to have a "new" artist I'm very fond of. In the Grammy Awards of my mind, the 2024 award for Best New Artist is Imogen Heap.

[stellalunapoetry]

i love being alone until i dont

i hate voice messages until they're my lifeline

i go days without talking to people.

i go years without seeing my friends

i was the loneliest girl in the world

and the loneliest one i remain

[stellalunapoetry]

im so lovely until i open my pretty mouth

then everything i say is so werid and wrong

my jokes don't land and my attempts don't go

well and you don't fall in love with me

i am pretty until i speak

i am nasty and mean

better shut it with glue