Beating the Summer Heat
Sometimes your AC breaks and the only escape you have from the suffocating LA heat is pretending you’re not dying with every agonizing breath. Here’s an arbitrary list of 7 things you can do to cool down.
1) Have Air Conditioning This may seem like the simplest solution, but when you’re trying to cool down and you turn to the internet for aid, you get used to the dumbest, most obvious fucking answers. Already have an AC unit, if you don’t want to get hot. If it breaks, make sure to unbreak it immediately. Otherwise, you may get uncomfortably hot.
2) Think Cool Thoughts Much like telling a person who is suffocating to think oxygen-rich thoughts, this will not help you. But, it will be one of those things you look back on when you’ve been well-cooled for weeks that will lead you to believe there are other non-AC solutions to excessive heat.
3) Place Fans in Some Mysterious, Likely Numerological Setup Put fans near open windows. Or not. Who can really say? Certainly don’t ever cook or take a warm shower or sleep with a blanket or eat food or be near another person for the next 4 months.
4) Increase Your Status With Frost Giants Jotunheim is beautiful this time of year. Whereas we have breath-stealing heat, they always have bitter, ass-freezing cold. It’s amazing!
5) Something, Something Spray Bottle(?) Spray cool water into the fan. How does this help during the 8 hours you’re trying to sleep? That’s for you to futilely attempt to comprehend at 4:00 a.m.
6) Have You Tried Having Air Conditioning? Despite all of these extremely effective methods, try turning your AC on. Turn it down all the way down to 75°. Can’t feel a difference? Oh, well. 68° couldn’t be much different. Just boil.
7) Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil Can’t cool down? Blissfully slip away into Death’s sweet embrace. It’s bound to feel better underground than it does above it.
Hopefully, these 7 things have frustrated you to the point of throwing your phone away. You’ll certainly feel a bit cooler for 20 seconds after you chuck your phone into the street.