I used to hear the advice “you need to learn how to say ‘no’ to people” and I thought I understood what it meant. I thought people were saying that you need to learn that it’s okay to say “no” to things, and let yourself say “no” and overcome the fear and whatever other barrier has been keeping you from doing so. And it does mean that; I wasn’t wrong.
But the advice was not just that you need to learn to say no, but that you need to learn HOW to say no. And there’s a little more that goes into that beyond just giving yourself permission to say no, or overcoming fear. There’s also the ever complicating calculations that go into deciding when to say no, or maybe, or yes. And there are different ways to say “no” as well, and you need to learn how to best communicate your “no.”
There’s the factor of timing, as well, that I’ve found is pretty important. I’ve learned that telling someone “no” early on (or at least telling them “maybe but likely no”) is so much better for everyone than giving a “yes” that turns into a “no” at the last minute. You may feel bad about letting them down, and want to gamble on the possibility that you might be able to make it and avoid that. But it’s better for them to know as soon as possible so they can plan accordingly. What’s most inconvenient is to drop out last minute and leave people unexpectedly in the lurch, or needing to alter plans last minute. Best for the solid “no” up front.
This got more rambley than intended. Thesis statement: it’s better give a “no” up front than to give a “yes” that turns into a “no” last minute. Also, there is more to saying “no” than just the willingness to say it; it is a skill to be developed and exercised.
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