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The Life & Times Of Frida Kahlo (2005) dir. by Amy Stechler // Frida Kahlo from an unsent letter to Diego Rivera
Have you ever felt it? The blood pressure rising. Your heart stoping for some seconds and beating too hard.
Those feelings that comes with you. I can't help them and I'm sorry for my lover, because I'm not able to feel that same way with him. All I want is for him to understand I'm really trying this time.
Still I'm sorry, because I know I could never love him like that, he can't ever make me feel the way this guy does and maybe it's timing, maybe it's real love. But I know I don't want to hurt you. So I just stay here for the one that I should love.
Da más miedo no intentarlo.
Hey, so, here it goes.
I would love to start from the beginning, the beginning of everything, since the first hi. But I'm sure you don't remember. So let me tell you something, since the first day I knew you were going to be here for a while, but I never knew how much, I never knew how many words we would interchange, how many thoughts, agreements and moments we will share.
But I'm sure about something I never knew would happen.
Love, this love that I have for you scares me, scares me so much, I'm sure I love you the most, and that's even scarier. Since the first laugh we share I knew how much it would hurt me when you'll leave. But here we are, four years after, been best friends since eight grade, we heading to two this time.
I love you, why? I have no idea. I just do. I'm sure I shouldn't, I should not love you the way I do, but things got complicated since your first cursi gift. And you were my after, because before you life was completely unworthy. I'm not saying I hated it, but I sure enjoyed it in a different way now.
We've get through many changes in our life, and we're still here, I'm so proud of us, of our friendship. But we are heading to the bigger one, the one I've always been more scared about; the ocean, the ocean that will separate you from me, I'm scared, not seeing you for completely six months straight... Can you blame me?
I feel like I will lose one of the greatest things that have happened in my life.
So here it goes...
I'm scared, I'm freaking scared. I do not think I can love someone ever again in a passionate way I used to, I feel loved by him, but I don't think he feels the same way from here.
Every night I think about it, about him and how things should be different, that I should love him the way he loves me... But this thing it's not easy, and I really want it to work out. I read that being in love it's not a mood, but somehow I think it is, otherwise loving someone it's not a mood. And it's clear that I like him, but I really doesn't love him. My mom tells me to be patient, to take it easy, but he loves in a passionate way I just don't.
So yes, I'm scared, I don't want to hurt him and I don't know what to do.
June 1st
Moving on wasn't easy, but I think I officially made it.
I like someone else now... But I know these feelings aren't as strong as the others, I should give them time, I hope they will become a stronger. I know he loves me, but he knows he's the one that loves the most. And this fact can be the one that kills his soul.
When I met him
When I met him I knew my life was going to change, I knew everything was going to be different... But I never knew I would have felt this way towards you. I never thought how special he would've been.
I love the way I love you. And you love the way you love me. Still we are here just looking at each other thinking we are just friends, the best of friends.
But we both know how much we love our presences in our lives, and how beautiful our world has become because of each other.
March 30th
I was fine, and I fell... I went back to does feelings, to the ones he used to give me... And I got scared.... Because this time my breath went away. And I was scared over the fact that I never let myself feel everything, because every time I stand up and try to forget all these feelings and memories I have about you... But I need to understand that I'm not going to have you in my life anymore and I have to accept that and continue. So I stop feeling, and I try to hide all those demons inside me, I just built up a wall and act like I am completely fine, but these feelings always find a way to come out... I end up running things because of this... And moving on is not as easy as it seems.
And sometimes I question myself.... Was I ever happy?
Stillwaitingforhimblog
Two months. March 1st 2019
Have been 2 months since he left me... And I'm going to tell you all what my life have been so far.
I was shocked... My body... My heart, they didn't feel anymore... I was not surprised that he left me, I saw that coming, but I was surprised over the fact he was cheating on me... And he came back into my life with someone else's in his. I was really pissed and upset, he lied to me, in my face. He said "I'm with you and only you" and trust me I knew he was lying to me, I saw it in his eyes, I felt it in my heart.
Then, I had to saw him every single day with someone new, and I wasn't prepare for that, because in that moment I had to realize he really left me and moved on. But the he comes back telling me he will always care about me through a post... And you all will say "how do you know it was for you?" well I felt it. Neh, he told me... He. Even. Told. Me. How could someone just play with another's person feelings that way, he messed up my mind.
When the first month arrove I was feeling everything again and I had to do something about it. I needed to forget him, but my heart was still feeling everything for him and I needed those feelings to come out. I cried. And cried. Every day and night... Until one day I told myself that it was enough, I couldn't live a life that way, he left me for someone else and I'm the one questioning myself...? Nope. Enough.
Everything was going fine, trust me, my mind, soul and heart were better each time. But there was something that didn't let me continue, something I needed to do. So, his birthday arrove and I needed to talk. We chat for some minutes, then his girlfriend arrived, we hug, as a goodbye one, and in that moment I felt relief. I felt peace.
Look, it's difficult, but I needed to forget him, but most importantly pardon myself. I put myself through many situations and I asked me sorry, I learned so much from him and I will always be grateful for his life and our lovely chapter. I'll keep the good, I'll keep the lessons. Couldn't be more proud of myself and what I've become since then.
I know I will always loved him. But I also know I'm going to love myself more.
Little girl.
Little girl crying all alone in the shrub.
Thinking he could save her. Thinking he could love.
Little boy laughing all alone.
Thinking it was nice to left her in love.
Thinking she'll be there when he breaks up with her.
Little big boy coming closer, searching for some love. Found a little girl crying in a shrub.
He asked "what's wrong with a little beauty girl like you?"
She said "what's wrong with a big boy like you?"
Little big boy, not brave, not nice walking over her and herself.
Little girl crying all alone in the shrub.
Thinking he could save her. Thinking he could love.
1. LOVE STORY.
I'm going to tell you a story.
There was a girl who met a boy, they didn't want something serious, just company and nothing more, months past by and the girl started to catch feelings, still, the boy didn't like her, so they took different ways. The girl accepted it and didn't make a big deal about it, she wanted a relationship and he didn't, but that was okay.
Four months later he came back, because somehow now he wanted something with her, something serious. She was over him, she even wanted someone else, but she accepted to see him again, so they did.
That day he confess to her, he told her the truth and that was something she loved, because no matter how hard the truth could be they always choose it.
He told her he wanted to be with her, that she was the one that would help him. He was done with loving different girls at the same time, and that he wanted to be just with one girl and that girl was her. She was shocked, because she did not want to be a choice, she had went through other things and didn't want him in her way, still the girl said that it was ok, but she didn't believe him, she was falling for other guy, and his time had been already wasted.
Weeks went by and the boy was still searching for her, this time he was the one begging and not her, her other guy left her so she felt alone, he was there and she took his love to built herself, they started again, in a seriously relationship, she wanted to belive she loved him, and it felt great while she was trying to forget the other guy... But something went wrong, and it hit her really hard, she didn't find this boy attractive... She needed something more and he didn't have it... But the truth was that she wasn't over the other guy and she needed time to went through that pain. She left him and weeks passed by and she missed him, so she went to him again, they got back together and everything was fine, but her insecurities won her again, so she left him.
It seamed that he was really in love with her... And she was convinced, but she didn't want to be with someone who would give her everything and she won't even give a damn.
They stayed away, this time it was longer, but they came back to each other needing confort, they somehow really felt the necessity of finding each other again, so they did.
"I'm sorry, I've missed you." She said.
"I've been missing you a lot." He said.
So, they started again, without anyone knowing, but this time he had another plan. She was falling in love, she found him the most perfect guy in the world, and she gave him all her love... And then he left, like she did, and she was alright with it, she deserve it, right?
But she was even surprised when he came back again, he dated other girls, she was still sad, so she let him in, again. He seemed with good intentions, she ate all that shit. But he threw her away... Again.
Again, she was okay with that, she also left him twice, but a part of her was really upset and disappointed... He made her believe he was really in love with her... But the truth was that, he just didn't feel the same compromise now than then... And so she understood him, and dealt with it.
They don't talk anymore, and that's alright, maybe they are better with each other out of their lives, but she still remembers the pain he caused and the one she caused too.
January 4th 2019
Been 2 weeks since I don't know about him... Maybe his fine, and doesn't want me back, but I don't know if I'm a little bit death or too alive without his hype.
January 1st 2019
New year, and I'm still missing him.
You don't leave someone and then, come back and tell them you love them.
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