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[stonebutch-blog]

[stonebutchduffy-blog]

Jess Goldberg called me up, and I finally got to give her that apology I’ve needed to give her for years. We met up and had a long talk, catching up on everything we’ve been up to. She looks less scared, but more hurt. She’s such a fighter – she told me that she spoke out at a rally today....

[stonebutch-blog]

I really mean it Duffy. I'm ready to fight to make a change in this world, not just to survive.

[stonebutch-blog]

I saw a gay demonstration in Sheridan Sqaure when I got off the subway. I've always felt on the outside of the gay rights movement, alone. But not this time.  This time I found the courage to not just live through the nightmare, but to do tell other people about it. I want to organize to change things. I am sick to death of my own silence, and I was afraid that I wouldn't be brave enough to try again if I didn't do something this time.

So I spoke too.

[stonebutch-blog]

Thank you, Al. I love you.

[stonebutch-blog]

I'm not a kid anymore

[stonebutch-blog]

I'm back in Buffalo, and everything is so familiar. I can't find Theresa, and Gloria won't let me talk to Kim and Scotty, but I found Edna and Jan, and I'm going to meet up with them and Frankie later.

This whole trip is bringing back memories, but I have to do this.

[stonebutch-blog]

The world is our restroom

[stonebutchruth-blog]

I want to go home for a visit, and Jess wants to go back to Buffalo for a while too. She wants us to go together, but I just can’t do it. Getting out of there was the only way to survive, and I don’t want to take her there.

She thought I’m ashamed of her, but I’m not. I just can’t face it if she likes them and doesn’t understand why I had to get out, and I can’t stand it if she hates them and doesn’t understand why I love them. I could never forgive them if they hurt her, either.

[stonebutch-blog]

This is what the voice of butches sounds like. You helped me see that, Frankie.

(I'm still sorry I behaved the way I did).

[stonebutch-blog]

Ruth painted my ceiling

Me: I can't believe you've given me the sky to sleep under. But I can't tell if it's dawn or dusk you've painted.

Ruth: It's neither. It's both. Does that unnerve you?

Me: Yeah, in a funny way it does.

Ruth: I figured that. It's the place inside me I have to accept. I thought it might be what you need to deal with, too.

Me: I really do have trouble not being able to figure out if what you've painted is about to be day or about to be night.

Ruth: It's not going to be day or night, Jess. It's always going to be that moment of infinite possibility that connects them.

Me: I'm afraid.

Ruth: Why? Because I'm neither night nor day?

Me: Yes. That's part of it. Remember your geometric theory? More than double the trouble?

Ruth: I'm not suggesting we do it in the road.

Me: You know what I mean. But that's only part of it. If I really have to be honest, it's because I'm afraid not to be with someone who is night or day. I guess I felt like the femmes I was with anchored me. It was the closest to normal I've ever felt.

Ruth: Were you her dawn or her dusk?

Me: In the beginning I was her dawn. By the end I was her twilight.

[stonebutch-blog]

Ruth gave me a book for Christmas called “Gay American History”. I started reading it, and it’s amazing.

It’s no surprise to me that gays and lesbians have been killed, maimed, ridiculed and excluded from society. What surprised me is that it hasn’t always been so. There were people who didn’t dress or act like society told them to long before all us butches came along. I didn’t know that there where women fighting as male soldiers, working as doctors and so on, women living as married men.

And they weren’t always condemned, either. In some Native American societies, women could live as men, or men as women, and be not just accepted but revered. I read of one Native American woman who even became the Chief of a tribe. She lived as a boy would from her childhood, fought bravely in battles, had wives – and her society was proud of her accomplishments.

Why did I never grow up knowing that people like me and Ruth weren’t always hated? Why did none of us know that? I want everyone of us to know that – I want to leave that behind. I want to help us restore our dignity. I didn’t know there were people and societies and movements fighting for gays and butches and femmes, some of them years before I was even born.

I want to apologize to the butches I rejected for not being the same as the rest of us who were different. I’m just now realizing that there are many ways of being different, and that it doesn’t always have to be the same.

[elpablitoo92]

[stonebutch-blog]

They are the hunters, I am the prey. I does not matter what I say, it does not matter that he tries to get me to admit powerlessness. His taunts roll off me, I am filled to overflowing already. I'm not ready to die, but I have my rage against the powers that unleashed these bullies. If I'm going to die, I'm sure as hell going to try to take them with me.

[stonebutchruth-blog]

I don’t need another label. I just am what I am. I call myself Ruth. My mother is Ruth Anne; my grandmother was Anne. That’s who I am. That’s where I come from.

[andallshallbewell]

[stonebutch-blog]

Me: There's flowers in my salad

Ruth: Those are nasturtium. They're beautiful, aren't they?

Me: I hate to eat this. It's like a work of art.

Ruth: That's part of how starved you've been. I think you're afraid that this is the last beautiful thing that's going to happen to you, and you want to hold on to it.

Me: How did you know that?

Ruth: I'm your neighbor. It's a wonderful salad, Jess. I made it just you to enjoy. But the next one will be luscious too.

Me: You know when your leg falls asleep how it hurts when the circulation starts again? I'm not sure I want to hope. I don't want to get disappointed again.

Ruth: We both already know all about disappointment. Let's not anticipate it.

Me: This is just why you didn't want to let me in, isn't it? Why are you being so nice to me now?

Ruth: I'm sorry I was so cold. I misunderstood you. I thought you were frightened and confused and I was afraid you'd sap my strength. After you backed off I realized I couldn't figure you out - that's a very attractive quality in my book. You seemed to be so much stronger and calmer than I'd first given you credit for. So I changed my mind. It's a woman's prerogative.

[stonebutchruth-blog]

I have a new neighbor, and I just don’t know what to do with him. Or her? Knocked on my door and insisted she’s a woman. I just don’t want to be bothered by someone having an identity crisis, and if she is a woman, I don’t need someone sapping my strength from me. I just want to live my life in peace.