Codependency versus support networks
I need to say something, as a conversation with one of my gentle readers has made it clear to me that this point needs to be made.
When you are in a negative mental state, one that is destructive, static, depressive, and life threatening, the people you have around you are a part of it. They are your support network, the people who complain alongside you, who allow you to vent and who vent to you. They are in a similar mental state. That have to be, or they’d be constantly dragging you out of it, and resistant to that, you would sever ties or push them away.
Humans are pack animals, social creatures. When angry or sad, they naturally seek out people who are similarly inclined, or mayhaps the two of you spiraled downward together, reinforcing one another’s negativity without realizing it.
Whatever the case, when you decide to get well, to work toward positive goals and change, then there is a choice to be made. You cannot expect to improve and yet keep all else in your life the same. The old ways must pass with the old you. You must climb out. You haven’t the strength to climb out while carrying someone else. If you did, you’d have easily pulled yourself out sooner.
So you have two choices: ask your friends to come with you, ask for their help and offer yours as the two of you climb out of misery together. Or…cut ties.
You must have stable footing. It is critical and all future action depends on it. It is not wrong, or shameful, or selfish to seek that stability. And once you have it, you can decide if it is within your power to give your old friend a hand.
Do not hate yourself for that choice. And conversely, do not use your old friends as an excuse to remain unwell. That is absolutely essential. If your friends have become your excuse to remain miserable…well…that doesn’t sound very friendly. It sounds as if you’re seeking anything you can get, even if it kills you.
Negative attention is not attention worth having.
Value yourself enough to establish boundaries, protections, a foundation to your character. You are not abandoning a comrade. Because you two were never at war with the world, standing side by side. You were actually killing each other, and you are choosing to step away and refuse to engage.
Please have the strength to change your surroundings too. Adapt the environment to better support you as you learn to do things in the new way, just as a disabled person learns to. You are healing. You must heal.
That is not a crime. Don’t tell yourself it is, because that is the old you talking, trying to tug you back into old habits.
Pocket Simon™ says “You are strong.”
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