The Lioness Within

Rise and rise again . . until the lambs have become lions.

[strengthofalonelion]

Do you think

Do you think that there are 

Do you think that there are some soulmates that

are never allowed to be? 

[strengthofalonelion]

      What if                            I went

and wrote our name in the stars

            Would you notice

      Have you looked at them                  since

                       When I looked at you               and asked

                                                                                   When you told me

When you warned me

I should have known

                                                                                                                               You already saw our name in those stars

[strengthofalonelion]

I hate that even today, your voice is the one that I seek. That in the middle of agonizing pain, your words are the ones that calm me. I don't understand how that's even fair. . . for you to have dragged my heart through hell and back, twice over, and it still chooses to beat for you. It infuriates me. Logically, I should pretend you don't even exist, but emotionally? It was you that soothed me last night. . . .

I hate that even today, your voice is the one that I seek. . and I ask myself. When? When will my subconsciousness let go of forever? Because I'm a fool to think that my heart isn't still holding onto you. Which leaves me to fear for the next time I say I Do to forever. 

[strengthofalonelion]

goodbye.

Behind it all, the pain, the distance, the growth, the healing . . . there’s been a small part of me holding onto that forever. 

I just found her, hiding in the deepest corner, waiting for him. 

Oh sweet girl, it’s time. Let it go and come take my hand. Let me show you what the last year has taught us, let me tell you what we’ve become, and where we left him.

[strengthofalonelion]

It’s been almost a year to the day that we sat at the dining room table and I was finally able to get out of you a little of what was wrong. 

It’s been almost a year to the day where you sat there and told me you didn’t love me anymore . . . 

Almost a year to the day that your affair was disclosed, and I am still at a lost for words and understanding. 

I try over and over again to move past it, to push past it, because I already spent a whole year trying to digest it. To pull everything apart and understand it. But there are just pieces that I can’t define on my own. 

They aren’t my pieces. 

But rather these knives that were left in spots that I can’t seem to quite reach on my own.

[strengthofalonelion]

I don’t care who you are, you don’t give away a piece of your heart without remembering who it went too; and you don’t give away your heart without always loving the receptor, in any small capacity.

I guess my fear now, is the thought of not finding the one who understands.

[atticuspoetry]

[strengthofalonelion]

Today, I ran across my voicemail box . . . and realized I still had voicemails from the very early moments of my ex-Husband and I. Last year at this time, I would perhaps still have reminisced and listened to them, alone, in the bed where he left me. But it’s been a year since the discovery of the affair, 9 months since our home was sold, and 6 months since our divorce was finalized . . . and so, here I am looking at my phone and these messages and their dates and I’m saddened not by the thought of losing him, but by the thought of losing the love I had, the love we had, our marriage, the promise of a good and happy future. But, I am not saddened that I lost him, as the person he became and the person he currently is was not the man I fell in love with and married. I loved and married a man that no longer exists, and he’s been gone for while now. Trust me, I tried to save him, and it almost cost me myself. Learning to let the impossible go was the most profound service I have ever grown from in these young adult years of mine.

[strengthofalonelion]

The closer you are, the bolder I get. I use to turn you away, and then you stopped asking. But lately, all I wish for you is to ask again, and again, until your hearts content; until you have all the answers you were originally searching for. . . I am ready for you to peel me back, layer by layer. 

I am ready.

Is it too late?  

[ninasdrafts]

You said I wasn’t different now, that I hadn’t changed, but I used to turn up my nose at the taste of wine on my tongue and now my teeth are stained red on too many nights to count. You said you liked how I’ve always been so passionate about things I loved, how my eyes lit up when I talked about them. But back then, even with you, I always held myself back. Only recently did I learn how to let go and let the current take me away. You said you loved the way I danced, but with you I never danced like I do when I’m on my own. You liked the way I brushed my hair off my shoulders but I chopped it all off. You liked the sweetness of my lips, but never the sharpness of my words. And if I met you today, we would talk about work and the weather but never about things that really matter. Things that matter to me. But the thing is you wouldn’t know. You wouldn’t know because you gave up on me then. You didn’t care enough to stay and you said I was too much and now you’re paying the price. Because you left and I moved on, while you stayed the same and waited to find someone who was just a little bit like me.

you wouldn’t know me, even if you tried / n.j. (via ninasdrafts)

Speechless

[strengthofalonelion]

Today, my heart hurts for you. . . 

I have no regrets, but I still wish there would have been some way, 

anyway, 

to save you from yourself.

I am sorry, 

I couldn’t.

I am sorry,

I have to let you go.

[strengthofalonelion]

Those first feelings     those first memories                           so bright

                                Burned into the deepest parts of me

                 I see you  over and over again mine

Together in the rain          under the stars       hiding in plain sight

I could spend hours           reminding you of the before     the between        and the after

[strengthofalonelion]

No matter how many times I type, 

                   write, read, or scream 

                                     your name 

                                           in vain

             nothing changes.

This is where I’m at,

       where I’ve been left,

to aimlessly wonder - broken

                        to what extent 

                                unknown.

   Flying high, but flying solo,

       uninterested in the touch,

  and the sight, and the sound

                                          of another. 

Spending every night - tucking

                              more pieces 

                            under a pillow 

                           of a loss room.

[strengthofalonelion]

What’s happens the day I tell you the truth?

Will you hear me?

Will you see me?

Will you understand how long I’ve lived believing the lies in my head?

I want to tell you it all. I want to lay it all out,

let the doors open

explode

into your arms.

I want to share my truth.

[strengthofalonelion]

A thought just occurred

As I sit here in my rented city “bungalow” snacking on a handful of pretzels before I head out to meet up with some friends…

A thought just occurred.

The funny singular thought that - if we were to go back, 10 or 15 years, and if we were to ask the ol’ high school me “Where do you see yourself in 15 years?” -

the answer would have been here.

Not necessarily including how I got here, but just here. 

Here as a young adult with an office job in the city. Here as a young adult dressed up in her business blouses and skirts and looking pretty. Here as a young adult catching drinks with friends at the 5 o’clock happy hours. Here as a young adult with a chic 2 bedroom rental. Here as a young adult with the freedom to travel, with or without friends. Here as a young adult free and wild - an explorer, an entertainer, an elegant friend.

It’s funny, right? Not sadistically or anything, I promise. But it is funny. 

I sit here and wonder and ponder on life, what we can control, what we can’t control. How things, places, and people find us, and how sometimes we find them.

Last year at this point, I was thinking about starting a family and just yesterday, I was looking at a speed dating website.

365 days and 2 completely different stages of life - and honestly? Both places I do not hate either having been or currently are.

Life. Ride it. Smile at it, and if you can’t smile at it right now, you’ll soon be able too. Take it from someone whose been dragged through hell a couple times, or don’t. But I promise you, this life will surprise you.

[strengthofalonelion]

Occasionally (much more rarely these days), I get stuck on why. A memory floats across and I think of you, I see, you. All the time, all the love, all the laughter . . . and I think why?

There was never an answer that you truthfully gave and there may never be an answer that I will truthfully get - which is okay - but, why? 

Surely it wasn’t just me that felt and saw the love. Surely it wasn’t only me that was bursting at the seams. Radiating. For you. Because of you. 

Our home, was filled with it. You could literally see it. 

Or at least, I could. 

Why would anyone want to give that up? Why would anyone want to toss that away. What did I do wrong?

I poured my essence into you, into us. I gave you me, anticipating forever.

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I guess I only wish that there’s some left for the one that picks me up. Everyone deserves a life and love that bright. Sometimes, I fear, I may never again.

[strengthofalonelion]

It’s not the things, it’s not the places, it’s not the people. . . it’s the person. It’s their touch, it’s their presence, it’s the time, it’s in all the little things they do. 

“Married Life Drawn by Husband” published by James Spiro, EditorChoice.com