I’m doing better than I ever was.
During my last semester in college, my Philo professor gave our class a final requirement: a reflection paper about any topic—personal experiences, epiphanies, past traumas, etc. In line with the final days of the semester, he told us to pour all our feelings out as if we were given our last chance to do so.
EUGENIO, Noah Gabriel Z.
PHILO 2 (TFC1)
May 17, 2019
2019 has been going really great so far. We may only be five months in, but I could already say that this year is definitely one for the books; this year is all about soul searching, self-discovery, and personal growth. Looking back, I was a lost boy who just let everything happen — even if it hurt. But now, I’m not that boy anymore. It took me only one epiphany to change everything about myself and everything around me, all for the better. Here’s my story:
During my first day in college, I was very nervous because it was a new environment, which means I’m surrounded by new people. Fortunately, that feeling didn’t last long because I instantly became close with a few of my blockmates. Since then, we would always hang out in Prom A, go to one of our houses for our annual Christmas party or birthdays, or eat at restaurants. I guess I became close with them because we had several common interests, one being our love for gossip — or tea time as we would call it. Those conversations were the meat of our friendship: we’d make fun of how people looked, talk about issues we do not know the contexts of, and investigate if some rumors we heard were true. There were times that we even gossiped about someone in our group. I personally had fun because it was very entertaining, but not for long. I noticed that all of us have gossiped about each other at least once, more so had tension with each other. I suddenly started having flashbacks of times when I would get sarcastic remarks from them, which at that time I didn’t take personally. The feeling of drowning and losing my mind that I’ve always had when I’m around them started to make sense; I then realized that they are not the right people to be with. I looked for ways not to feel sad — but without having to separate myself from the group. Otherwise, I’ll be alone.
Last semester, all of us in the block had to divide ourselves into six groups. I already grouped myself with two of my close friends — who are outside my circle — and waited for three more blockmates to complete the group. Unfortunately for me, the other three were the people I barely talked to or disliked, two of them were Arlo and Migz. At that time, I was very devastated because I don’t know if I’ll be able to pass the class because of these people. I also felt left out since everyone in my circle of friends were in one group. I had no other choice but to go through this “problem” of mine.
After a few weeks, I started hanging out with them more because we had several meetings for the video projects, and not much with my circle of friends because they also had meetings. Although I was their groupmate in a short film for another class. When we shot the short film, instead of helping out with the camera work, I was told to watch over their stuff on the table while they shot outside. While I was alone, I felt sad because it seemed like they didn’t want me with them during takes. I asked myself, “do they have a problem with me?”
I had a shoot with Arlo, Migz, and the rest of the group for a three-part series [of videos]. As soon as we wrapped around lunch time, my two friends and one of our groupmates had to leave for meetings, which means I was left with Arlo and Migz. While the two boys were eating their lunch at the table, I was sitting at the sofa observing them, realizing that they’re actually cool and genuine people. I’m not someone who compliments people face-to-face, but for the first time ever, I did. I told them that they’re nice people to be with and I wanna hang out with them more, from now on. From then on, we interacted more in class or during breaks and became more comfortable with each other once we shared stories — especially Arlo, when he told me that he has a crush on one of my friends; I suddenly became his wingman.
It was the last day of finals and [also] the day of the Christmas party with my circle of friends. I arrived in the classroom holding a paper bag with gifts inside, then sat with my circle. They saw the gifts I brought, asking me if those were for them — I said no, then I headed to Arlo and Migz to give them the gifts. After class, I said my goodbyes to them and my other blockmates, then left with my circle for the Christmas party.
When I was at the Christmas party, it felt very different; it wasn’t the same. The vibe just wasn’t there anymore; I was quiet almost the entire time, especially when they were discussing things only they could understand. I guess I could say I distanced myself from them already, without my own knowing. Sad, yes, but I thought of it more as a good sign. It was time for me to put an end to bonding with them, more so associating myself with them. Right when I got home after the party, I opened Messenger on my phone and deleted our three year old group chat and my individual messages with them. What I did wasn’t out of impulse, rather it was out of a firm decision — a favor I had to do for myself.
I woke up the next day feeling lightweight, like something heavy had been lifted off my shoulders. My room seemed like it was filled with positive emotions. I then realized that I was free from the toxic and negative energy I got from my now-old circle of friends. I felt very proud of myself because it was a very brave, bold, and mature move. It was finally time for me to move forward and be with my new close friends. During the entire Christmas break, I always talked to them over Messenger, especially Arlo: we’d talk about our crushes and exchange memes and links to songs on Spotify all night until we find out that it’s already three in the morning. I would fall asleep with a smile on my face because I found a new best friend or a brother that I never really had.
When this semester started, I was always with my new group of friends. We’d group ourselves together for majors, sit together in the back of the room at times, and hang out in USC during breaks. We even have a group chat now, wherein all of us would share stories, exchange memes and other things. My days became more eventful than before, especially because I finally got to do things I’ve always wanted to do in the past. Arlo, in particular, would hit me up if we can grab lunch together, hit the gym, watch a movie after class, go on a road trip — around the city or out-of-town — with other friends, or even get tattoos. Along the way, I got to meet Kyle, Lily, and Ally — his friends from another school — as well as their other friends; since then, all of us have been hanging out more often.
So much has happened these past few months, and it makes me very happy whenever I look back at them. Another thing that I’m really happy about is that I’ve changed a lot ever since I started hanging out with them: I became more confident, carefree, inspired, mature, and calm; I can be myself when I’m with them. Because of how supportive and encouraging they are, I can turn to them whenever I have little problems or when I’m feeling blue. I guess I can say that they are real friends, simply because they’re so genuine and respectful.
I know that it’s only been five months since I became close with these people. Yes I still, of course, feel fear because I don’t know what could happen next. But I always tell myself to always cherish and be thankful for the friendship I have with my new friends, since it is all that matters.
Everything is still new to me, but one thing’s for sure: I’m doing better than I ever was.
