Miserable At Best

[stuckinaborderlinetragedy]

I’m so tired of making sacrifices.. she wants me here, I come here. She wants me to stay, I stay. Now she wants me to go, so I go.

Does she think of how my life is changing? Does she see everything I’m giving up, just to make sure she’s comfortable? No.. I don’t think she does.

She says that she can’t keep feeling bad, but she doesn’t seem to want to understand what it’s doing to me. The push and pull and push and pull.

I left my apartment because she wanted me to move in with her. I wanted it too. And two days before my lease was up she said she needs space, that she’s not ready for me to move in. I had nowhere to go. She said she’d give me time to find a place and I did.. not a place I wanted but a place e I had to take. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

[stuckinaborderlinetragedy]

How do you process the fact that you’re dating someone who is unsure about you.. I’m lost

[stuckinaborderlinetragedy]

[stuckinaborderlinetragedy]

It’s the subtle stab wounds, the slow trickle of bloom, as the onlookers smile with the knife in their hands.

What a world, what a time to be alive.

[stuckinaborderlinetragedy]

[stuckinaborderlinetragedy]

Shame triggers are something I’m just now learning to put words to. I never understood why one word could trigger me so deeply. I never understood until now. Being called obnoxious or annoying while we are at home is one thing.. but in public, in front of hundreds of people , on a day we are supposed to be enjoying ourselves.. I felt so ashamed of myself. I shut down and spent the next three hours trying to figure out how to make myself small enough to swallow.. so I don’t make the same mistakes next time. When in reality, I should be looking for ways to stay whole and watch you choke.

[stuckinaborderlinetragedy]

And now the lies start. Are you afraid to say you were out until 8 drinking with friends? So you had to make up a story like “I was cleaning up cat puke” to make me think you were home? It wouldn’t have mattered to me. You didn’t have to lie. Then at 8 you say you’re “going out to grab Taco Bell” which was meant to make me think you’re leaving from home to go, but you were leaving the bar. You didn’t have to lie. I don’t patrol you or what you do. I didn’t care until you lied. And I know I have lied before.. I paid my dues for that. So maybe this is what I get. Maybe this is my payback, my karma, because I can see your location… and still you lied. Still you lied. And you’ll say “I didn’t do anything wrong” and I’ll leave it alone because that’s what I do. But I know. And it’s tearing me apart.

[stuckinaborderlinetragedy]

[stuckinaborderlinetragedy]

I just want to be loved the same way I love. For someone to match my energy. I want to be wanted with such ferocity that I can barely stand it. I crave to be smothered with love until my lungs are full to bursting.

I want to be loved too much because maybe it will finally be enough.

Will you love me this way?

[stuckinaborderlinetragedy]

Is it wrong of me to feel like I’m always the one giving? I feel like I give every piece of me just to sit by while it’s never returned, never reciprocated.

I just want to be loved the way I love. I don’t know if that will ever happen..

Im scared to ask for what I need for fear that I’ll end up alone. Maybe alone is what I need. Maybe alone is what I deserve.

I never seem to pour into a cup that also pours back into me.

Is this BPD or is this just me..?

[stuckinaborderlinetragedy]

[stuckinaborderlinetragedy]

[stuckinaborderlinetragedy]

[stuckinaborderlinetragedy]

[popsunner]

So there’s this huge dudebro in my class, who, yesterday, sat next to me. And I’m sitting there sweating because like… I’m wearing my shirt with the lesbian flag on it, and he’s the most popular jock in school, and always has this look on his face that say ‘I can and will kill you’. He looks me up and down, stares at me for a minute and then goes, “So. Girls in skirts and long socks, am I right?”

To which I nodded solemnly, both out of agreement, surprise and also a healthy amount of awkward fear. He nodded and went, “You get it.”

I said, “Yep.” He fistbumped me, and on went our lives.

[popsunner]

Oh! I forgot to mention! I saw him at lunch the same day, and he ran up to me, tapped me on the shoulder, pointed at this super sweet girl who comes to GSA and asked if she’s gay. I told him he should ask her because that’s not my place and he said he would.

I thought that would be the end of it.

Except ten minutes later he came back and told me he found out (she’s bi) and that both of us have a shot. I said “You more than me.” because he’s attractive and popular. 

But this wholesome dumbass looked really confused and asked, “Because I’m tall?’

[popsunner]

So this isn’t lesbian/jock solidarity but I thought you guys would want to know-

My math teacher was trying to fix the rolling whiteboard and he just offhand said “This would be easier with a wrench”

And deadass, dudebro said “Hang on” and then proceeded to pull a fucking wrench out of his backpack

[popsunner]

Update- after school today he saw me in the library and he didn’t say anything? He just pointed at the book he was holding and I gave him a thumbs up because it’s a pretty good book, and he went “Yes!” Really quiet and pumped his fist and then left

[popsunner]

Okay so today he asked me if I know how to help people having a panic attack and I was like yeah? And he smiled at me and then went “cool I think I’m having one”

And I was like what the fuck Colin we’re in the middle of Tech class sit down and we went out in the hall and sat there for a while and he told me about the test he’s stressed about so we kind of went over his study guide and when he was feeling better he kind of like… smacked his head against mine gently? And I helped him up even though he’s almost a foot taller than me and yeah

[popsunner]

Today at lunch we walked to the football field and laid in the grass and I told him thank you for being my friend (because I don’t have that many) and fistbumped me and said, “You always looked so nice and chill, how could I not want to be your friend?”

And honestly y’all, I would’ve started crying if he hadn’t sneezed and accidentally smacked me

[popsunner]

Thought you guys would want to know-

Gray is me, white is Colin. We’re idiots

[not-today-thx]

I FOUND THE HIMBO POST

[catlad5001]

@flyingumbrellas

[perfectquote]

“I was so afraid of hurting their feelings that I forgot that they could hurt mine too. And now that they have, I wonder if I’ve truly been alone all this time—I’ve just been too blind to see it.”

— Unknown

[perfectquote]

“Why do people think being with someone is the answer to everything?”

— Elizabeth Scott