Studying Sobriety

Just a 21-year-old college student who was suffering from addiction. Now I am juggling the university life while attending an outpatient rehab program. Join me as I share my story of recovery. https://studyingsobriety.wixsite.com/youngsoberandfree/

[studyingsobriety]

Worrying about things that are totally out of your control?

Do you feel like you’re completely out of sorts and have no control over anything?

My professor and I had a talk one day after class. She knew I suffer from intense anxiety, panic disorder, depression, bipolar disorder, etc etc. She knew I had been having a rough time. She told me that whenever she starts worrying about things that are out of her control, she sits down, writes down the things she IS in control of, and asks herself if she’s putting forth her best effort toward those things. 

She mentioned that it really makes you realize that there’s really not a lot that we are in control of in our lives...but that writing down the things that we are in control of makes feel more in control of our lives, and that it helps to let go of what’s out of our control. It takes our focus away from the stress of things out of our control and brings our attention to the things we can help.

What are you in control of?

How can you put forth your best effort?

[studyingsobriety]

Relapsing

Relapsing. For non-addicts, “addiction” is the big and scary word. For recovering addicts, “relapse” is the real big and scary word. 

So let’s start with the basics. What is a relapse?

If you’re not familiar with the word, I suggest doing a little researching on the topic, but here is a link to a basic definition and explanation of a relapse.

As the article mentions, relapsing is totally normal for recovering addicts. Trying to quit an old habit and be totally done it with it forever is scary, and very hard needless to say. Plus, for lots of recovering addicts, including myself, the relapsing process is a huge growth experience. 

That being said, I am not at all condoning, suggesting, or recommending ANYONE to relapse. Experiencing a relapse is not fun, which I will get into here in a moment. If you feel perfectly fine being sober, don’t try a relapse just on a whim. I promise you, you will regret it. But what if you are feeling like relapsing?

Before I get too into what it’s like experiencing a relapse or how handle a relapse, let me tell you something that may blow your mind: A relapse begins weeks or even months before the action of using again happens. It’s crazy, right? So let’s say right now, you’re experiencing high cravings and you’re really thinking about giving in. Your relapse process has already started...probably days or weeks before you even started getting the cravings. 

A relapse is a process that happens over months or weeks. A process full of occasional triggers (external and internal, like emotions) and behaviors that feed into your cravings.

Here is how the process works in 10 stages (they don’t always have to happen in this order):

1. Denial - You’re concerned about your wellbeing, but you’re in denial of that concern. 

2. Avoidance & Defensive Behaviors - You may start worrying about others more than yourself. You may also experience impulsive or compulsive behaviors. 

3. Crisis Building - You may experience tunnel vision due to anxiety and/or depression. You’ll start to lack in planning things out, and when you do try to plan things out, you fail to do them.

4. Immobilization - You may find yourself “checking out” a lot or daydreaming.

5. Confusion and Overreaction - You feel confused about how you’re feeling and may also feel irritated.

6. Depression - You’ll experience a lack of routine and poor eating and sleeping habits.

7. Behavioral Loss of Control - You’ll start rejecting help from anyone. If you’re in a support group or recovery program, you may stop attending meetings.

8. Recognition of Loss of Control - You’ll realize you’ve lost control of your behavior. You’ll isolate yourself, pity yourself, and possibly lie to others saying you’re fine.

9. Option Reduction - You may stop getting help or treatment. You’ll resent sobriety. You’ll tell yourself the only ways out of this is by suicide or using again.

10. Relapse Episode - The relapse episode is when you finally use, causing bio-psycho-socio damage to your nervous system. 

Here are some signs the you or a recovering addict is slipping into the relapse process:

- expressing doubt

- depression or anxiety

- anti-social

- surrounding yourself with substance use

- saying you have it “under control”

- experiencing unfamiliar emotions

- all or nothing thinking (for example: well I already took a small sip, one glass wouldn’t hurt)

- change in attitude about sobriety (for example: it’s not worth staying sober)

- constant stress and lack of healthy coping mechanisms

- change in routine

Here are some behaviors that may feed into your cravings:

- poor diet

- excessive caffeine or nicotine

- lack of exercise 

- poor stress management

- euphoric recalls of usage

- awfulizing abstinence

- magical thinking about using

- empowering cravings (giving it more power and control over yourself; too hard to resist)

- denial and evasion (denying the recovery programs are helpful)

- social conflicts

- lack of communication 

Now that we’ve talked some about what can lead up to a relapse, here’s the real question: How do I stop myself from relapsing?

- BE AWARE OF YOUR EMOTIONS!!!

- recognize your triggers

- again, be aware of your emotions(!!!) and identify your behaviors. Are you feeling extra anxious or depressed? Are you no longer following through with your plans or routine?

- get busy! Fill your time with things that are proactive, things that will trigger the happy chemicals in your brain. Play with your pet, exercise, cook something, paint something (even if it’s ugly), do something!

- self care--PUT YOURSELF FIRST! You simply cannot take care of others as well as you could if you’re taking care of yourself! Drink water, get enough sleep, do things you enjoy, read a book!

- keep working toward your sobriety, even if you don’t want to

- maintain sober relationships. When you’re feeling anti-social, FORCE YOURSELF to reach out!

- know and avoid these setup behaviors I mentioned earlier

- when you get that euphoric recall, dismantle it. Yes, it may have felt amazing, but think about all the damage it’s caused.

- when you get a craving, wait it out. Cravings usually don’t last for longer than 30 minutes. Talk it out with a friend. Distract yourself by doing something else.

- finally, don’t shame yourself for getting a craving. Cravings are normal, no matter how long you’ve been sober. Accept your craving as normal, then go do something else!

Now that we’ve talked about what builds up to a relapse and how to prevent it from happening, what if you’ve already relapsed?

If you’re anything like me, or most addicts who relapse, you’re probably feeling very guilty and shameful. Whether your relapse happened just last night or it happened a month ago and you’ve been hiding your everyday usage from everyone...what you’re going through mentally and emotionally (and probably physically too) is a lot. 

The hardest part of a relapse is being honest about it, especially if you’ve been using for some time and have been hiding it. I once lied to my friends, family, support group, and therapists about my days sober for 2 weeks straight until it broke me. But something someone in my group said stuck with me: “Secrets keep us sick.” It’s true. After lying to everyone about my sobriety for those two weeks, the thought of lying one more time turned my stomach upside down. And I was killing myself with shame, guilt, and drugs more and more and more. 

The saddest part of a relapse are the reactions you’ll get when you are honest. You’ll get lots of “thank you for being honest with me” and “I know it took a lot of courage to come out and say that.” But you’ll lose a lot of trust in some people as well. People who don’t get it will blow up on you. Some people may be so upset they’ll say they can’t trust you anymore. What those people don’t know is that those aren’t the reactions we need at the moment. If you’re coming out about a relapse, you’re probably feeling loads of shame and guilt, and it’s hard not to continue to feel that way when others feed into it. You may even start to feel like losing hope. 

But please don’t do that. The BIGGEST thing to know if you’ve just relapsed, is that it’s perfectly normal, that you can’t change what you’ve done in the past so there’s no point on dwelling on it, and that all you can do is move forward from here. What does that look like to you? Moving forward? It’s different for everyone, but it’s a question you should ask yourself. I’ll tell you this, it’s going to require lots of patience and hard work to stay sober. You’re going to have to really prove yourself to some people to regain that trust back. And it’s going to take lots of time, some longer than for others. Patience. It’s a growing process, you’re just experiencing the growing pains. Just keep doing your best. Your best is enough. :)

[studyingsobriety]

We can't always get it right the first time. Babies don't walk the first time they try, but eventually they get it right.

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[studyingsobriety]

In order to stand up, you have to know what falling down is like.

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[studyingsobriety]

Giving up on a goal because of a setback is like slashing three tires because you got a flat.

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[studyingsobriety]

What is Addiction?

Addiction. The big and scary word. The word that many have unfortunately experienced. The word that many think they understand but don’t quite get it. So what is it? Allow me to explain to you from a definitive and psychiatric standpoint and from the point of view from an addict herself.

Define it.

According to the Oxford dictionary, to be addicted is to be physically and mentally dependent on a particular substance, and being unable to stop it without incurring adverse effects; in other words, to be dependent on something or for something to become habit.

According to the Webster dictionary, it means to exhibit a compulsive, chronic, physiological, or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity.

According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine, addiction is a treatable chronic, medical disease involving complex interactions among brain circuits, genetics, the environment, and an individual’s life experiences. People with addiction use substances or engage in behaviors that become compulsive and often continue despite harmful consequences.

My own personal definition of addiction: Being addicted is like being madly in love with a demon straight from hell. It’s like a toxic or abusive relationship, but you’re too in love, you’re too invested to give it up. You begin to turn to your addiction when you’re upset, you feel as if it’ll make you feel better. You turn to your addiction when you’ve had a good day, as a way to celebrate, you deserved it. You’ll find any reason to turn to your addiction, no matter how ridiculous it may seem, you have a reason to use. You don’t know you’re going to suffer from addiction until you’re already there, it’s already too late. Because addiction does not discriminate, it can happen to anyone Satan chooses to send his demon after. Like I said, it’s like falling in love with a demon straight from hell. One day, when you decide to get help, you’ll fall out of love with that demon. But that demon is apart of you now, always. Some days the demon will feel as big as a pea. Other days, that demon feels much bigger than you. But he will always be there, that’s why they call it a chronic disease. You just have to learn to carry him with you now.

Let’s talk more about addiction.

What are some warning signs someone is suffering from addiction?

• They are showing signs of lack of control

• They are abandoning hobbies and activities

• They are performing poorly at school or work

• They are having unexplained financial problems

What are some warning signs my substance use is turning into an addiction?

• You’re hiding your substance use from others

• You’re using the substance as a coping mechanism

• You don’t know how to use in moderation

• You’re experiencing negative consequences, but you continue to use anyway

• You experience withdrawal symptoms when you go without the substance (Withdrawals differ from substance to substance. If you’re using a substance regularly, research what possible withdrawals may occur. Withdrawals can be physical or mental.)

• You’re gaining a tolerance to the substance, needing more and more to get the same high

• You’re becoming obsessed, like you’re in love with the substance, and find yourself constantly thinking about it

• You use at inappropriate times (for example: right before work, before seeing your kids, etc.)

• You’re losing interest in doing other activities that don’t involve using the substance

• You’ve thought about quitting or slowing down but have been unable to

According to Alvernia University, there are 5 stages of addiction:

• First Use

◦ The first use is the first stage of addiction. It’s hard to tell someone to just “not try it,” but we never really know whether we’re going to be addicted to something later down the road or not unless we just do not try it. Addiction does not discriminate. Some substances are more addictive than others, and some people have more addictive personalities than others. But addiction can still happen to anyone.

• Regular Use

◦ This is when you start using the substance more frequently. Maybe you need it every night before bed. Maybe you do it when your friends are around.

• Risky Use

◦ This is when the substance becomes a priority. You may start using while driving. During this time, you may start slipping in school or work. Your relationships may start to fall apart.

• Dependence

◦ Once you become dependent, you will find yourself getting cravings for the substance. If you don’t use, you may experience withdrawals. You will have also built a tolerance and need more of the substance to get the same results. This is when you are truly addicted.

• Substance Abuse Disorder

◦ This is when the substance has become such a priority, you don’t know how to life a normal daily life without using. You feel as if you need the substance to do normal things. The using has become habit. For some, you may prioritize it over school or work, resulting in dropping out or losing your job. For some, you may prioritize spending your money on the substance over bills, resulting in homelessness.

So this is the addiction basics. Frankly, the only way to fully avoid addiction from ever happening to you is to not try any substances. Curiosity killed the cat. But when you have a new substance in front of you with people telling you, “try it,” are you going to be thinking about this journal article? Probably not. Live your life. Take chances. But take precautions. And if you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of addiction, know that there is hope. No matter how far into it you are, you are not a lost cause. Anyone can get better. It just starts with reaching out your hand.

[studyingsobriety]

Welcoming Sobriety: A Letter to Recovery

The fourth and fifth exercises we were assigned in my rehab program were to write a goodbye letter to alcohol and drugs and a hello letter to recovery.

Here is my letter to recovery:

Recovery, 

It's only been a few weeks into our journey together, but I already have so much to thank you for. At first, it was hard to stay faithful to you, and some days are still a little challenging. But you make me stronger each day. Every day I stay true to you, I am helping myself. I feel myself gaining more power over my wellbeing and control the more you and I work together. And the longer you and I continue our journey, the more I love this journey.

When we first started, I thought total sobriety was a bit over the top, but I totally get it now. With you in my life, I am able to always be clear minded. I have so much time on my hands to spend on progressing in every aspect. 

Just in these past couple of weeks, I have transformed into a new person. I can't even imagine the transformation throughout my life with you by my side. I hope that even after Lion Rock, you and I stick together.

You will help me succeed in my career. You will help me grow into an intelligent, caring, stable, and happy woman. You will help me grow spiritually, something I've always lacked in. You will help me stay focused on what's important in my life. You will help me take in and enjoy the small things.

Something that has always been a dream of mine is being a mother. You will help me be the mother I've always wanted to be. You will help me become an inspiration to my children. You will help me provide food, clothes, love, and care for my children.

I look forward to this journey together in my future. Like I said, I've already transformed so much, for the better, and I can't wait to see what the future holds for me as long as I know you'll be with me. I can't help but brag about the changes you've made in my life, the happiness and peace of mind you've brought me, and the much greater things that are waiting for me in my future now that I have you.

Every day you're with me, the easier this journey gets, the more I look forward to facing the next day, and the closer to true happiness I become. You've shown me what I've always thought was impossible, is in fact, possible and that I am totally capable of doing it.

I have to say, I love you, Recovery, and I am incredibly grateful to have you as part of my life, and to have Lion Rock guiding me through the journey. You have helped me realize so many truths to myself, including that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to, no matter how impossible it may have seemed to me at first. You have helped me forgive myself for not always making the best decisions in the past. You have helped me accept myself for exactly who I am, even if I am a recovering addict, even if I don't have the thin body I had while I was abusing Adderall, and even if I can't get everything right the first time, I am accepting myself for exactly who I am.

Thank you for everything you've shown me, taught me, and brought me. I am looking forward to the rest of this journey and every little moment in it. Thank you for everything. Let's raise a class (of sparkling grape juice) to this future of sobriety. My takeaway from the exercise:

This one was a lot easier to write than the goodbye letter to drugs and alcohol. I used to love drugs, so it was hard for me to completely say goodbye. But recovery, man, I love recovery. Drugs were "fun," but recovery is incredible. It's a challenge everyday, but everyday, that challenge gets smaller and smaller, easier and easier. It was nice to write out all that I've been able to do and will be able to do now that I'm recovering and not still struggling with addiction. 

Two things my counselors pointed out to me when I read them this: 1. I shouldn't use "if's." I shouldn't think of it as maybe recovery will work out forever, but instead, recovery will work out. 2. In this letter, I thank recovery for all it's done for me, but I don't recognize my own hard work I've put into recovering very much. Recovery is amazing, but you do have to put in the work. You have to hold yourself accountable, even when you don't want to. You have to remind yourself of healthy coping mechanisms to use when you feel like using again. And luckily, I have been able to do that. If I hadn't put in the work to recover, recovery wouldn't be as amazing as it is. 

[studyingsobriety]

Goodbye: A Letter to Alcohol and Drugs

The fourth and fifth exercises we were assigned in my rehab program were to write a goodbye letter to alcohol and drugs and a hello letter to recovery. Here is my goodbye letter to alcohol and drugs:

To alcohol and drugs:

You have a terrible reputation, yet I've always had a specific fascination for you. You were there when I needed you, or at least, when I felt like I needed you. In my time of using, I thought you were helping me. But we both know what you were really there for. You weren't there to help me solve anything, you were there to distract me for a little while, but in the end, causing more suffering. And that's what you did.

It's hard for me not to blame myself for ever trusting you, but I'm healing. I have to accept that I have an addictive personality, I'm a substance abuser. I can't use a substance and expect myself not to abuse it, especially now. Maybe alcohol and marijuana could be okay in moderation for some people, but I don't know how to use in moderation. I never have. If I like you, I need a lot of you to be satisfied...and even then I'm not really satisfied. So it's just best for me and my wellbeing to stay away from you. If I have "just one drink" or "just one hit," how do I really know it'll just be one? I don't, unless I totally refrain from you at all costs. 

When I was using, I thought you helped numb the pain, and you did...in the moment. But afterwards, all I felt was shame, guilt and depression. You numbed the pain for a moment, but then ultimately brought more, and it's not worth it. That numbing feeling isn't worth facing the reality of my problems with shame and depression hovering over me. It isn't worth the damage you've done to my lungs. It isn't worth the damage you've done to my brain. It's really just not worth any of the emotional or physical pain you brought me.

The more love you have for something or someone, the more power you give to let them hurt you. I held a special place for you in my heart, but I feel that spot slowly closing and healing from the pain you caused. The pain you caused me was hard, but even the healing process is hard. But I am thriving without you, progressing in every aspect of my life without you standing in the way. 

Without you, my anxiety and depression is much, much less frequent. Granted, when I do get triggered, I have to face those emotions raw, which I'm not used to. But it's okay to feel emotions and not feel like you have to numb them. It's good to face emotions. Without you, I have more money for food, gas, bills, and healthier things than spending it on you. Without you, I have more time to use for focusing on school, Lion Rock, or just doing things for me like practicing meditation, gratitude, and growing spiritually.

Without you, I am a new person. But it's a good kind of new. A new and improved me. A healthier me. A happier me. A more emotionally stable me. A less problematic me. Becoming sober comes with its challenges, just like any kind of big change. But because I'm sober, I can face these challenges with a clearer mind and do thing I never could've done with you holding me back.

So this is goodbye. We had some fun memories, I can't deny that. It was fun being carefree and reckless. But that's not the life I want to continue to live. I want to live a happy, healthy, responsible life. And to do that, I have to say goodbye. Thank you for some of the memories, and fuck you for the others. I wish I could give my mentality to everyone else struggling with getting rid of you, but unfortunately, I can't. It's hard enough to forgive you for all you've done to me, but it's even harder watching you still do it to others. So this is it. We shall part our separate ways, while you continue hurting people and I continue living the life I really, truly want to live. My takeaway from this exercise:

I'm not going to lie, writing this was hard. It was hard to officially say goodbye to the substances. It suddenly felt real. And it is real. This is really what I want, but at the same time, it's scary leaving it all behind. For the longest time, I thought drugs were apart of me. Like I said, I had a special place in my heart for drugs. 

But at the same time, that real feeling was relieving. It felt like I was typing out all of my anger toward an abusive ex. I felt like I had been released from a leash the substances had on me for years. I truly feel young, sober, and free.

[studyingsobriety]

Why Did I Get Help NOW

This was my second exercise for my rehab program. It's called "Why Now?" The purpose is to explain why we got help now and not a month ago or a month later. What led up to the point where I decided that I need help right now? Then, I had to write what could've happened had I not decided to get help.

Here's my story:

I was sitting in my bathroom floor. I was home alone, depressed, and wanted to get that daily high, but I wanted more this time. So I had a 100 pack of whippets (whipped cream chargers or cartridges of nitrous oxide which you can inhale). I felt guilty, ashamed, depressed, alone. I was having a panic attack so bad that I was retching into the toilet while I loaded up another whippet and hit another after another.

I knew whippets could cause seizures or even kill you, I had done enough research on it. But I liked them too much to care, they eased the pain. Part of me even hoped in that moment something dangerous would happen. That was my "rock bottom," as some call it. That was when I knew I had to change. This happened around Christmas time in 2020. As the days and weeks went by, I stopped doing the, everyday like I had been. But I would still give in every time the cravings were too intense to ignore. One day, I had another breakdown after using again. I was "sick and tired of feeling sick and tired." I was determined, and I was whippet-free for 3 weeks.

Until one day, I had another panic attack, and those cravings just came back. "It'll make you feel better." "They numb your body and your mind." "It'll make your emotions less intense." All of which were true while you're using...but after, it only gets worse. But I didn't think about the aftermath until I was sitting in my car, hitting a whippet, when someone walked up to my window. It was my roommates...I could see their hearts breaking, and it broke mine too. I wish I could say that's what brought me here and that I haven't done them since. But I did them the next day. And the next. And the next... Next thing I knew I had been using everyday again for a week.

I drained my bank account, both checking and savings. I would ask my parents for money for food and gas, but that's not what I was spending it on. I relied on my boyfriend and friends for any food. This whole time I was lying to everyone around me. Friends suspected but were too afraid to speak up. That last time I used, it was a Monday, I had class at 12. I told myself, "well, I'm going to be late anyway, might as well get some," so I did. I didn't go to class. I hit my last whippet. I had to use the bathroom, so I walked into a building on campus to use the restroom. I suddenly started crying, uncontrollably.

I felt that guilt and shame again, like I was a liar, a drug addict, I was hiding and taking money from my parents. I felt like a bad person, like I didn't deserve anything good. On top of that, I was having suicidal thoughts. I broke down, I asked my friends for help, I told them the truth. I'm lucky to have such understanding and supportive friends. One of them told me I should call the 24-hour on-call counselor we have on campus, so the next day, I did. She really, really wanted me to go to a rehab, but she wanted me to be in an inpatient rehab, which is a huge step and a big decision that I wasn't ready to make.

She set up an assessment for me with an inpatient rehab, but told me I didn't have to go if I wasn't ready. I've been in inpatient care before. In 2019, I admitted myself to a hospital for having suicidal thoughts. I had some...interesting experiences in there that scarred me a little. Of course, a rehab is different than a psych ward, but I think that lonely feeling would still be there. So I started researching outpatient rehab treatment programs. The first one I found was Lion Rock. I talked to them, and it sounded like a good fit for me. I wouldn't have to drop out of school for the semester, leave work for a few weeks, and I could still have my main support system with me (my friends and family). So it just seemed to be the best fit for me. And that's how I got here.

Now, here is what could have happened if I didn't reach out for help:

Had I not reached out for help or told anyone about my continuous use, I would've continued to use. It would've continued to be that endless cycle of "I'm depressed, some whippets would help" and "I did whippets again, I feel like I'm just a stupid drug addict." The depression would've progressed. I would continue to drown my anxiety and depression in intoxication. I would hide it from all the people willing to hold me accountable, because I wouldn't want to be held accountable. I'd rather get high than do what's best for me.

At some point after using regularly and hiding it for weeks or even months, there is only these negative outcomes of continuous use with no help:

I would be mid-whippet when my heart decides to stop or my body has a seizure from my organs getting so cold. Someone would find me in my car, with the canister still in my hand, with my lips purple, and my face cold. Whoever it would've been to find me, it would be a horrific scene for them. It would likely traumatize them for life.

I would be so depressed, so suicidal, I'd be blaming myself for everything. I'd tell myself, "this is who I am now." I would use the whippets as an act of self harm, hoping it'd kill me or give me a seizure. Praying that I'm putting myself in danger. It would be what I want. I'd want to physically hurt myself so that people can physically see my emotional pain. People don't understand what you're going through until they see it physically. Since people can't see your mental health, it's harder to understand how severe it gets sometimes unless you physically show them. And in that moment of self harming by whippets, I would hope I could physically show them my pain.

I would continue to use in a riskier manner. What I mean is, I would continue to drive while high on whippets. Driving down the road, loading one up, hitting it, holding my breath until I load up the next one, exhale, and hit another. It would be a high possibility I could kill myself. Or someone else. Worse case scenario, I kill someone else and am totally safe myself and have to live the rest of my life with the consequences. I could kill somebody's child, somebody's wife or husband, somebody's best friend, somebody's mother or father. I could have another incident where I black out while driving except actually passing out this time. I could run into a tree, run a pedestrian over, hit a motorcyclist, or just have a horrific freak vehicular accident. Granted, I could be totally fine and never actually get to the point of passing out while driving, but all of these are possibilities.

I could be sitting in my parked car or even driving down the road, hitting whippets, and a cop could possibly catch a glimpse of me inhaling something that doesn't quite look like a cigarette or vape at all. If they were to catch a glimpse and question what I'm doing, they could easily come up to my car or pull me over and ask what I was just doing. As someone who doesn't lie well, I'd freeze up, but there's no way I'd admit to a cop that I'm inhaling nitrous oxide in public or on the road. I'd probably say something like, "Oh, I was just sitting here on my phone," or "Oh, I'm just driving home, I was just hitting my vape." But they'd suspect. The bigger problem is if they'd ask me to step out of the car. That's where I'd be terrified. During my use, because I would do them so frequently in my car, there'd be piles of cartridges and boxes for whip-its! in the back of my car. They would find the numerous cartridges filling up my console, underneath the seat, in the cup holder, everywhere. The cop might not know right off the bat what it is exactly, but it would definitely be suspicious. They would ask, "what are these?" I would--not being able to lie--tell them they are whipped cream chargers. That they are used to make whipped cream. They would ask me, "why are there so many in your car?" That...I don't know what I would say. But I only see myself getting arrested at this point and possibly being reported to a rehab and being court-ordered to attend an inpatient rehab. Inpatient rehabs are scary to imagine, but being forced to be in one...even scarier.

"Whippets" could turn into something else. Like how marijuana turned into Adderall. And Adderall turned into the whippets. How do I know I wouldn't find a new substance to replace the whippet addiction? I don't know. I had tried Xanax a couple times and really liked it and craved it often, I just didn't have a source of finding it easily. I remember worrying Xanax was the next move. How would I know this replacement of one drug to another wouldn't lead me to heroin, meth, crack, or something terrible? Something that would take over my life the way marijuana, Adderall, and whippets did but is much harder to hide, harder to control. How do I know I wouldn't fuck up my brain from all the drugs? I could kill so many brain cells that I can't function. I was once hospitalized for severe anxiety and depression, I've met people who can't even function like a human because they were so messed up from the drugs they've used. I met people who couldn't relax without some xanny. How do I know that wouldn't be me in the future? I didn't know, I still don't know. It could've been me if I had continued.

Like I said, any of these scenarios would have been possibilities had I not reached out for help sooner. They were all possibilities when I was using and that's scary to think about. I have to say that I am grateful that I reached out for help myself. I wanted help before one of these scenarios became a reality. I am doing this all for me.

My takeaway from this exercise:

Writing out what led up to the point of getting help makes it clearer just how bad it really was. It's kind of sad. I knew it was a rough time, but reading it in black and white really opens my eyes, and it's crazy.

Writing what could've happened really makes me just feel...like the face palm emoji. Because not only were these scenarios possible had I continued to use, but they were all possible when I was using. And that's really scary. These scenarios really paint a picture, and not a pretty one. Overall, this exercise made me incredibly grateful that I decided to get help when I did. 

[studyingsobriety]

Pros and Cons: Why Was I Doing Drugs?

My first exercise in my out-patient rehab program was to list 20 pros or "payoffs" and 20 cons or "costs" that I had to using drugs. My drugs of choice were marijuana, alcohol, Adderall, and huffing nitrous oxide (also known as "whippets").

Here are my 20 payoffs, the reasons I did the drugs:

1. That relaxing, floating feeling the whippets would give me. I felt physically and mentally numb, my body was tingly, and I would get a head rush.

2. Being able to drown my depression and anxiety in intoxication.

3. I grew to love and crave the feeling of the whippets flowing through my body and filling up my lungs.

4. The lightheadedness feeling from the whippets that would make me feel like passing out, and sometimes actually passing out.

5. The "whomp-whomps" (the sound hallucinations whippets give you).

6. The taste of nitrous oxide.

7. The nice, heavy sleep after using whippets.

8. That sweet taste of Adderall in the back of my thoat when I would snort it.

9. Being able to stay awake and alert for as long as I needed to when abusing Adderall.

10. Losing 20 pounds from Adderall abuse and feeling more confident in my body.

11. I grew to love the action of snorting itself.

12. Adderall made my overall well-being great. I felt happy if I was high on Adderall.

13. All of the friends I made through marijuana/smoking culture.

14. The memories I've made while smoking/ingesting marijuana. I have some pretty crazy, fun stories.

15. Smoking a blunt to myself. Something about it is just relaxing, and nice, like I'm treating myself. I also taught myself to French inhale, which became an obsession of mine.

16. Being part of the pot culture, and being described as "cool" or "chill" because I smoked.

17. Being able to have a good time with other intoxicated people at parties and social gatherings.

18. Being able to order drinks at bars and restaurants, especially because I've only been 21 for a few months.

19. Drinking to become more out-going, less anxious, and more social.

20. All the knowledge I've gained about mind-altering substances and how it affects you in positive and negative ways.

And my 20 costs, the reasons that motivated me to quit:

1. Temporarily solved the pain, but prolonged and worsened the depression and anxiety. I felt like my mental health was deteriorating.

2. I can't breathe like I used to anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm gasping for air that isn't there, like I just can't fill my lungs up. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping at night because I can't breathe.

3. My nose bleeds randomly from snorting Adderall.

4. The whippets can cause damage to bone marrow, which led to tooth sensitivity, and my gums would bleed every time I would brush my teeth.

5. Losing track of time and "go missing" for hours because I was so high from the whippets.

6. I would sleep with a drug dealer for whippets, Adderall, marijuana, and other drugs as well as for food and money.

7. I would spend all my money on drugs. I once spent my entire student loan on marijuana one semester. With Adderall, I was buying $150+ worth at a time. With whippets, I would spend every last cent, drained my checking and savings accounts, sneak money from my parents, lie to them about where it was going, and leave myself no money for food or bills.

8. I feel as if I've developed an eating disorder after abusing Adderall and losing so much weight.

9. The hallucinations and the feeling of losing my mind when I was awake for 70 hours straight after abusing lots of Adderall at once.

10. The comedown of Adderall abuse. I went through mental and physical withdrawals. I felt empty, dead, worthless, and as if I had nothing to live for anymore.

11. The dependency. The feeling that you just need the substance in order to get through anything.

12. All the times I threw up from alcohol, which was pretty much every time I got drunk.

13. The guilty feeling after lying to friends about my use, stealing money from my parents and lying about where it was going, and hiding from everyone I loved just so I could use without their disappointment.

14. The feeling of being judged for using drugs, like all I am is a druggie or bad influence.

15. The only way I've been able to cope up to this point has been to fill my body with things that are dangerous for me.

16. The lonely and ashamed feeling when I hide in my car to use whippets or snort Adderall. The distance I would create between myself and the people I love because I was hiding my hurt and didn't want them to know what was going on with me.

17. The look on my friends' faces when they found me in my car using whippets after being clean for 3 weeks...it broke my heart.

18. The fact that my parents no longer trust me enough to give me any money because they feel like they'll be enabling me to continue to use.

19. The effect the whippets and marijuana abuse had on my school attendance and homework.

20. The freezer burn I gave myself from the whippets on my lip, chin, and even leg.

My takeaway from this assignment:

The pros were harder to come up with than the cons. Listing them all out when you're trying to be sober, it's so easy to remember all the reasons you want to quit, but it's hard to remember more than a couple reasons that made you want to continue doing them. Another thing I noticed, the pros, they aren't reasons. They're just excuses I would tell myself to continue to use.

Another thing to notice is that a lot of the pros and cons kind of go hand in hand. For example, the pro: "losing 20 pounds and feeling more confident in my body" and the con: "I feel as if I developed an eating disorder after losing all that weight," they connect. Some excuses you have to continue to use may sound like a pro, but it ends in a con. Also notice how the cons are much more descriptive and sound much worse than any of the pros. Let me tell you something, those pros/excuses, they are not worth the cons.

[studyingsobriety]

Why Am I Here?

When I was 13-years-old, I was suddenly struck with an interest in alcohol and drugs. When I was 14, I tried marijuana for the first time. When I was 18, I started smoking regularly, every single day. I wanted become part of that pot-culture. When I was 19, I was diagnosed with Cannabis Abuse Disorder. I thought it was funny, like I was being medically diagnosed as a stoner. Later, around age 20, I started using Adderall and fell in love with it. I became very dependent and lost 20lbs. Eventually, I was able to quit abusing it and was actually diagnosed with ADHD and was prescribed it. A couple months later, I became addicted to "whippets"--otherwise known as huffing nitrous oxide, or laughing gas. It began to take a huge toll on my physical and mental health. I tried quitting for a couple of months and continued to relapse. So, I sought out professional help. I am now in a program called Lion Rock. I have a therapist appointment every week, 3 group therapy sessions every week, occasional NA meetings, and I keep up with a counselor on campus at my university. On top of all of this, I am attending college and working. It's a lot to handle, but I'm happier and healthier now than ever. Join me as I share my journey of recovery. :)