(General South Park Headcannons)
A/N: Just some silly little headcannons of our favorite main 3 boys! These are non romantic but I can make romantic ones too if y'all want! Cartman isn't included in this except for little cameos he makes in the other hcs.
Any warnings?: Cartman being Cartman, a lot of swearing (obviously), Cartman is just really antisemitic.
What's on the record player?: 1979; The Smashing Pumpkins
✭Stan and Kyle are super close in height. Like, down to the millimeter. You know how some people get measured against wood beams and there's little marks for each age? Stan and Kyle have one they share in Stan's house. Blue marks are Stan, Green marks are Kyle. He made Kyle keep his hat on when they measured since his hair gave him extra height.
"See? I'm taller!" Kyle grinned triumphantly.
"No way, dumbass. It's just that stupid fucking hair, right Cartman?" Stan looked over at his friends for approval.
Cartman nodded. "Yeah, it's that jewey ass hair, Kyle. It makes you seem taller and your nose seem smaller." Kenny's muffled snickers could be heard through his jacket.
"That isn't true, fatass!"
"Yeah stop making fun of his big nose Cartman, he can't help the fact he looks like his bitchass mom." Stan laughed, and Kyle shoved him.
"Hey! Not cool dude, that's my mom you're talking about!"
"Okay, okay, just push your hair down so we can prove I'm taller."
✭Once he gets older, Stan grows facial hair crazy fast. He has to shave every 2 days, at least. One time his razor broke and he had to wait until he got paid to get a new one. He grew the ugliest mustache known to man and Cartman started calling him Chewbacca. His mom said he looked just like a younger version of his father, and that's when he knew he had to get rid of it soon as possible. He wound up finding a waxing kit and tried to get rid of it that way. Long story short, he wound up with half a mustache and burns all over his upper lip. His mom had to let him use her razor to get rid of the rest of the hair. He refuses to touch any kind of wax now.
✭Listens to bands like Weezer and Blink 182, convinced their songs are made for him. "It's just like my life-" no it isn't. You're just a loser.
✭Not a very athletic guy. He's tried every sport under the sun(his parents made him), they're just not for him. He tried drama club too; hated the acting but liked the tech aspect. He ran spotlight for a few productions but ended up quitting because of how much the other guys made fun of him.
✭He had to play cello when he was younger, and quit the moment he started high school. He still knows a few songs and was pretty good.
✭He's insecure about his thick eyebrows and nose. He has a greek nose and thinks it's a lot larger than it is. Kyle judges him every time he starts talking about it.
"No, it sticks out so much! See?"
"No, it's so noticeable!"
"Dude. At least yours is straight. Mine is hooked. Hooked. You think I like this fuckin' thing in the middle of my face? Hell no!"
✭Whenever he's pissed at Kyle he ends up complaining to Kenny since he can keep secrets better than Cartman (and because people can never tell what Kenny's saying)
"And then he said 'grow up Stan, it's not too big a deal!' Like he wasn't just hung up about some girl rejecting him- At least me and Wendy actually dated! You know who wants to date him? No one! He's never even had a girlfriend. Yeah, you know that girl from Canada who he talked to online for a whole year before she ghosted him? That was a fake account me and the guys made to troll him. He never realized. And what's funnier is that-"
"Dude, you've been talking for like, ten hours. I need to get to sleep, it's a school night.
"Right. Sorry. But can I just say-"
"Alright, I'm leaving. But Kyle's such a dick, he won't even stand up to his mom for me-."
Kenny has to push him out the door and lock it so he can't get back in. Then Stan and Kyle make up a week later and everything goes back to normal.
✭Was actually convinced he had superpowers when he was younger, around 5 or 6. He predicted it would rain once and all of a sudden he thinks he controls the weather. He told the guys and when they called his bluff he got super pissed and made everyone on the playground watch as he used his weather powers to try and make lightning strike. He ended up falling off the monkey bars and he now refuses to go anywhere near them.
✭Puberty hit him like a truck. And not in a good way. All of a sudden he's 8 inches taller, growing a ratty mustache, with some of the worst acne and and a voice that cracks like no other. (Cartman makes fun of his voice until his starts cracking too. The hypocrisy is wild.) He was also the first in the group to start puberty. He thought he'd feel so mature and cool but ended up hating it.
✭Thankfully, now that he's taller he can actually play basketball without getting blocked by everyone. He's the tallest in the group, around 6'2 or so.
✭He has prescription glasses but never wears them because he thinks they make him look dorky. They do, but that's only because his mom picked out the thickest frames so they wouldn't break easily. When he's wearing glasses, he looks like Bart Simpson in the episode The Last Temptation of Homer, when he gets all nerdy and shit. Kyle even has the orthopedic shoes to boot.
✭He runs a dnd campaign for him, Stan, Kenny, Tweek, Craig, and Token. He used to invite Cartman but after his millionth tantrum they decided it was better without him. Kyle usually dms and sometimes writes a few of his own oneshots for the gang to do.
"Okay, as you trudge through the jungles of Chult, an animalistic cry pierces the air. Everyone roll an intelligence check!"
"This better not be another one of those dinosaurs," Stan groaned. "I just got mauled by one back there."
"Roll perception and you'll find out!" Kyle replied with a grin. "The tomb isn't far, guys. This should be one of your last encounters."
"Wait, we're not even at the tomb yet?!" Tweek's eyes widened. "We've been in this jungle for days!"
"I told you guys Tomb of Annihilation wasn't going to be an easy adventure." Kyle shrugged, before going back to business. "Okay; Craig and Token: while the rest of your party shrugs it off as just another monster you'd rather not deal with right now, you two recognize the call as a Hydra's- and it sounds hungry."
"A hydra? Dude, we are so fucked!" Stan yelled.
"Those things have like, 20 heads! Oh fuck!" Tweek added. A residual groan was heard around the table as the boys realized the danger they were in.
"This sucks ass, Kyle. How'd you talk us into this adventure? We shoulda done Curse of Strahd..." Token complained.
"Mm hmm!" Kenny agreed, crossing his arms.
"Come on guys, I believe in you! It doesn't even have that many hit points!"
"I hate to admit it, but we could really use Cartman's fireball right now." Craig sighed.
"Hey, we all agreed. He's never invited back. Not after the massacre..." Kyle shuddered.
"You're right. We'll just have to hope Princess Kenny can charm this thing." Stan nodded.
(Little bonus: Stan is a fighter, Token is a warlock, Craig is a ranger, Tweek is a paladin, Kenny doesn't have a main class he likes but mostly plays rogues or bards. Kyle usually plays as a sorcerer when he's not dming and when he's invited Cartman plays a wizard.)
✭Kyle doesn't seem like it but he actually is kind of strong. Yeah he's lanky and uncoordinated, but he can throw a pretty good right hook. He's done boxing for years. Started because he wanted to get Cartman to quit making fun of him. He's pretty fast too- he tried track out in middle and high school. He's good at jumping hurdles because of his long legs.
✭He has braces and the amount of food that gets stuck in them is criminal. He starts carrying around a little compact (the ones with two mirrors) just to make sure his teeth are clean after lunch and Cartman calls him gay for it.
"Wow Kyle, I didn't think you could get any gayer but here we are." Cartman said at lunch as Kyle whipped out a little compact.
"Shut up fatass, I'm just making sure I don't have food in my teeth like you always do."
"Ey! I do NOT have food in my teeth, thankyouverymuch." Cartman crossed his arms in a huff.
"Yeah, cus you're too busy eating everything that gets stuck in your mouth, fatboy." Stan said, Kenny laughing in agreement.
"I already told you, I'm just big boned! You're just jealous that my mom cooks me good food, not that jewey stuff Kyle always has."
"Fuck off Cartman, you'd probably eat that too."
"Yeah, no way dude. I like my food American, thank you very much."
"Dude. That's so racist."
"Oh, I'm sorry, is it racist to want to eat normal, all-American food?
✭Hear me out on this one: He's fluent in brainrot. Says skibidi on the regular, refers to himself as a sigma rizzler, all that shit. Since he has to babysit Ike all the time he's pretty caught up on gen alpha slang (Ike watches skibidi toilet unironically. He makes Kyle watch it with him). He started using it around Cartman who was convinced he made it all up. Him, Stan, and Kenny had a field day with it.
"Dude, that's so skibidi!"
"Kyle. What the fuck are you saying."
"You know, skibdi. Like, the thing on tiktok?"
"Don't tell me you don't speak brainrot, Cartman."
"I- I do too! I just... Didn't understand Kyle with his gay ass voice.
"My voice isn't gay, you gooner!"
"Hey! I'm not the gooner, you are, you... gooner!"
✭He barely ever gets haircuts. When he does, his mom just puts a bowl on his head and cuts it herself. It's part of the reason he started constantly wearing his hat. If you've seen that scene from pen15 where Maya gets her hair cut, it's just like that.
"Mom, you promise you won't go too short this time?"
"Of course bubby! It'll look the same as always, I promise."
"Shh, I know Kyle, just trust mommy."
"It's not the right one- it's too short-"
"No, it's okay! Trust me, I've done this more times than I can- oh."
"Uh- bubby, just remember, you have a very handsome face, and if any of the boys say anything about your hair-"
"No! No, it's just- it'll take some getting used to."
"Let me see. Where's the mirror?"
"Uh- maybe it's best if you just... Put your hat back on..."
✭He can't talk to girls for shit. Resorts to online chatrooms to try and flirt. Has gotten catfished 13 times. At least 3 of them were Cartman.
"No, Stan, I swear! She's real! Her name's Daisy, and she lives in Florida. She says she really wants to meet me, too! So I saved up for months and sent her 1500 for a first class plane ticket here. Check it out, she's pretty cute, right?"
"...Dude. That's Taylor Swift."
✭He's a biter. And I don't even mean in a "ooh so freaky and kinky" way, I mean in a "he once bit Cartman so hard he peed his pants and refused to be within 5 feet of Kenny for a week."
✭When he gets older he ends up growing his hair out into a kind of mullet-wolf cut thing, he looks like Kurt Cobain.
✭He's actually pretty smart. He just doesn't think school is that important for him and doesn't wanna try too hard and get unwanted attention for being smart. Purposely gets Bs and Cs so his friends won't beg him for answers.
✭starts giving himself piercings once he's older. He's too poor to get them from a professional so he just uses old needles and snow to numb the pain. They almost always get infected.
✭Draws penises on his friends homework so they get in trouble when they turn it in.
"Yeah, and then she was all like- Dude!"
"Again? Mr. Garrison is gonna collect this any second! You really had to draw a dick on it?"
"Heh, you gotta admit stan, it's pretty funny."
"Shut up fatboy, he drew it on your paper too."
✭He's a scrappy fighter. If a kid tries to fight him, he's biting, scratching, hair pulling, everything. 9 times out of 10 he wins and the other kid winds up absolutely wrecked. Once head-butted someone so hard he knocked out the kid's teeth. Now nobody fucks with him.
✭He was the only member of Moop who actually stuck with making music after the whole strike. He's the most musically inclined of the main 4. Wrote a few of his own songs but most of the lyrics were about loving boobs and pussy so record companies didn't end up signing him.
✭We all know he plays drums, but he also started learning electric guitar when he started his solo career. Can't sing for shit though (unless it's opera), so he tries using autotune. It just makes him sound worse.
✭He's the only member of the main 4 who's nice to Butters. Not just because he feels guilty he's a loser, but because he actually enjoys hanging out with him and how genuinely nice Butters is. The two are actually pretty good friends, Butters gets his mom to pack him extra food he gives to Kenny so he and Karen don't end up going hungry.
✭Was 100% the kid who taught everyone what sex was. Also brought his dad's nudie mags to school and showed all the guys.
"Gross, dude! What is that?"
"I dunno, I found it in my dad's room. All the girls inside are showing their boobs! Check it out!"
"Eww, why are they so pointy?"
"Because, Kyle, girls boobs start out pointy and then, once they turn 30, they get all saggy, like your mom's."
"Gross, dude! Don't talk about my mom's boobs."
"Yeah, don't talk about Kyle's mom's saggy boobs Cartman."
"What? I'm defending you!"
"Hey guys, you wanna know how babies are made?"
✭As he gets older he starts to see through all of Eric's bullshit like the other guys, but still supports his ideas more than Stan and Kyle. He doesn't wanna just abandon him.
✭Amazing with kids. Shockingly so. He basically raises Karen on his own, so he knows how how to deal with kids better than the other guys. He tried to start a babysitting business after he realized how much money he could make, but if fell apart after Cartman joined and started to get the kids he babysitted involved in a ponzi scheme.
"Nothing! I just had an idea..."
"Cartman, WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
"I just thought, if people invested in our business we could get them to keep hiring us, and we can get them to invest by making them give us money in exchange for more money back, and instead of actually giving them our money, we'd just give them other people's money who also invested, and then we'd have infinite money!"
"Cartman you dumbass! You ruined my business! We're bankrupt now!"
"Ohhh, I'm sorry Kenny! I just wanted to get us infinite money! But I guess if you don't need my genius ideas, I'll just start my own babysitting business and steal all your clients. Is that what you want?"
"If it means you'll leave us the fuck alone, then yeah."
A/N: Hope y'all like these hcs! I'll probably make romantic ones soon. I'm already working on some more South Park stuff, I got a few requests I'm really excited to write! Please like, follow, and repost! XX, Starr!
