LisaBeed

Submissive woman Learning how to love, exploring submission, adoring her Master, gifting control of her body and life to him. This blog is for him.

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Giving Versus Taking - A Dom’s Eye View

I have been mulling over why D/s relationships work so well for some, serving as the most powerful and soaring bond a couple can enjoy, while for others it proves to be complete disaster leaving the participants cold and sometimes deeply emotionally scarred and hurt. There are as many reasons why relationships work or fail as there are people in them, but one common thread emerges that I think is worthy of examination.

It seems to be the nature of the human condition that as individuals we tend to be self-centered beings. From an emotional standpoint, we often believe that the world revolves around each of us respectively. Naturally this cannot possibly be the case, nor should it be, but it seems to be our human default position, one that leads to a very common and natural perception of our interaction with other people from a “what’s in it for me?” point of view. Obviously if we all operate from the assumption that we are first and foremost out to get something for ourselves, then our relationships with other people are not only going to be poor but frankly impossible.

The illusion of the power exchange is that a submissive is all about giving to the Dom while the Dom is all about taking from the submissive. That is, after all, an outward hallmark of Dominance and submission. But there is a significant difference between the overt signs of power exchange and the underlying D/s relationship that supports it. Where I see people getting into trouble most is when they actually believe that the relationship itself is founded on the imbalance of power it outwardly portrays.

I fear, for example, that many men are attracted to BDSM for the very reason that it outwardly portrays something they lack, the ability to control. BDSM outwardly looks to be the embodiment of the sophomoric fantasy nearly every boy has of having the girlfriend he always wanted, doing the things he always wanted, in exactly the ways he always wanted. Oh, and with all that he also gets to take out his frustrations on her at his whim, thrashing her and toying with her until she pleads that she will do whatever he wants, just please stop. Ugh!

OK, so that is indeed a fun fantasy, I admit it. And in fact to some degree is one that I live out from time to time with my Muse. But it is purely a fantasy; it is not the basis of a D/s relationship, not at all. If the sum total of my involvement in my D/s relationship were to continually take what I want, how I want, when I want, my submissive would in no way feel a desire to submit. She would feel used, abused, and taken advantage of. She would quickly retract her submission and walk away. Likely, she would never have given it in the first place. So, if D/s is not about giving by a submissive and taking by a Dom, what is it?

It is about giving. Period.

A submissive has a natural tendency to want to please their partner and make them feel good. But when this innate sense of giving is granted to a partner who tends toward self-centered behavior, taking everything the submissive gives and demanding more, it leads to a sense of frustration and eventually a feeling of being used and even abused. Early in the relationship, this lack of reciprocity is often overlooked in the euphoric high of romantic love. But in time, the submissive will eventually feel that they have become a doormat and highly resent it. But this is not because her submission and sense of giving are wrong, but because it is granted to the wrong type of person under the wrong terms. From the perspective of that submissive’s self-centered partner, they have simply taken what was offered and it has become an expectation. Regardless, the mix is toxic.

In a D/s relationship a Dom does a tremendous amount of giving to earn and warrant submission. The key is that submission is not “taken from” a submissive but rather is received. A submissive “gives” her submission, it is not “taken” from her. A submissive that has previously been in relationships where there was an imbalance of giving versus taking might well have developed a genuine resentment toward pleasing their partner. Yet, when exposed to a healthy D/s relationship with a Dom who gives equally and without reservation, will find that many of the things they felt were taken from them and over which they felt resentful will suddenly become highly desirable. They will feel a magnetic pull toward their Dom and a desire to please and be pleasing in ways they often previously resented or even avoided. This is a shock when it is first experienced and a submissive can often be surprised by the extent to which they crave to please in ways that had previously been anathema to them.

So why is this?

In my opinion it is because within a healthy D/s relationship a submissive feels highly valued, appreciated, acknowledged and loved. Ultimately what a good and successful Dom does most is to work tirelessly to be worthy of submission. That means not so much walking about with an air of superiority, authority and swagger, but rather being diligent in their efforts to be the best and most complete person they can be. That means being in control of their own lives, being successful at what they do, making the effort to master something, being kind and charitable to others, being in touch with their own feelings and willing to communicate them, being humble and showing empathy for others, and finally focusing all of these traits with single minded purpose for the betterment of the relationship. This takes a lot of work and a tremendous amount of giving on the part of a Dom.

A good and competent Dom spends a great deal of time building up the self-esteem and self-worth of their submissive. A Dom gives of themselves tirelessly toward the happiness, self-awareness, self-acceptance, and love of a submissive. A Dom in a D/s relationship makes a submissive feel safe, protected, cherished, valued, needed and loved. A Dom shows great appreciation for the gifts a submissive gives. This does not just happen. It takes effort, continual work to create and maintain an atmosphere and environment that fosters ever-greater depths of submission. Ultimately all of this giving and acceptance creates a trust bond unlike any other. It creates the sacred space in which submission can be granted and received unreservedly and is largely responsible for the indescribable bond so often referred to by partners in healthy and loving D/s relationships.

All of this exists not because of what a Dominant feels they can take from the relationship, but rather because of a desire to give to the relationship and uplift the submissive they so cherish in every possible way. That is pure giving, and giving is what it takes to be a good Dom.

A D/s relationship is based on equals coming together to engage in a consensual power exchange of agreed to strength and limits. While the power exchange by its very nature implies significant imbalance between the partners, it is negotiated and originated by equals. This means that for the relationship to be successful giving must be done in equal measure by both the submissive and the Dominant.

Is there give and take in a D/s relationship? Of course. But at the heart of it, the power and depth of emotion felt in a healthy and loving D/s relationship stems from the fact that it is ultimately one of the most consciously giving relationships I know of. I personally give more time, energy, emotion and effort to my D/s relationship with my Muse than any other. The results speak for themselves.

Originally posted on February 2, 2013

Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013

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I just read your post on love-making and I loved it! Do you have any advice for someone who is young and has never done love-making, and when trying to have gentle sex couldn't seem to get turned on? How can I re learn to be turned on by simple touching and love-making and not just kinky sex?

The lovemaking post you are referring to

I made this not-so-very-good gif of me petting a raspberry to illustrate a few points. I call it the Raspberry Test. See those little hairs on the fruit? They are kinda like the tiny hairs, whether you can see them or not, all over your body. And the raspberry skin is very fragile. Too much pressure and it will break, the juice will bleed out. But here, I touch the raspberry very gently, play with the hairs, and it remains intact.This type of touch should be the baseline for all your play. It starts out with light, gentle fingertips and progresses. 

I can’t say why the lovemaking in your situation didn’t turn you on. It might have been that you and your partner weren’t emotionally involved. You might not have spent enough time on each other. He might have been gentle and ‘nice’, but uninvolved e.g. he very gently touched you and fucked you slowly for a few minutes, then very quietly orgasmed and withdrew, nicely going to sleep while you wondered what just happened. There’s all sorts of reasons why it might not have been good for you.

Everyone has a different idea of what “kinky” and “vanilla” means to them. Through it all, there is a common thread. Good sex, amazing sex, is connected. Both partners are present and involved with each other. Kinky sex gets more attention nowadays because, for it to be really good, there is usually some level of passion, intensity, control, and attention- no matter what you are doing. You can have those exact same elements in lovemaking but both partners have to be willing to be connect outside of obvious kink. That’s the problem. Can you emotionally go there.

If you are going to enjoy lovemaking and orgasm from it, you have to spend time together. You have to be with a person that, even if you aren’t deeply in love, is a good person you feel safe with. Someone you can look in the eyes as he is inside you. Someone you want to touch and kiss for the longest time, never ending. Someone who cares about your pleasure, who wants to just enjoy you.

I’ve learned that many people simply have never experienced the elements of good sex, lovemaking or no. If you’ve read any of my erotica, you’ll notice some common themes. I’m going to be very specific here, almost painfully so, in hopes it will help people learn how to interact with each other. 

Touch: Start out like a Raspberry Test. Light, almost imperceptible touch. Wake up those nerve receptors that hang out in each skin pore. Raise those goosebumps. Use your fingertips, back of the finger, whole hand. Ignore the erogenous zones. Go for the hidden places. Neck, under the ear, inside of the wrist, between the fingers, side of the breast, collarbone, outside of the hip, the mouth. Yes, the mouth. It gets kissed but rarely touched. Gently touch each other, Raspberry Test to start. Take your time.

Look: While you touch, look at each other. In the eyes. See the reactions. Look where you touch, then back at the eyes. Back and forth. Watch the body, watch the face. Learn what feels good. 

Together: Put your hand on top of his and guide him where you want his touch. Kiss and whisper while you do this. Say what feels good. Notice each other’s reactions. Again, ignore the obvious zones. Draw it out. Make yourselves ache for each other.

Mouth: Now you can kiss everywhere your hands have been. Plain kisses with the lips. Then licks, sucks, gentle nibbles, drag your mouth around with the tip of your tongue on the skin. Play with each other. Kiss and whisper. Explore each other. Try to use your mouth in many different ways. Again, no hurry. 

Talk: Always say what feels good. If you or he are shy, ask questions. “Does that feel good, baby?” Make observations. “Your neck is all flushed, you must be turned on.” “I see those goosebumps. So sexy.” Ask for more. “That feels so good, don’t stop!” Moan, sigh, gasp. Just be yourself and relax. No hurry, ever.

Travel: Now you can pay attention to the obvious areas. Breasts, cock, pussy. Think slow, deep, gentle, focused movements. Make it last. Explore everything, try different things. Always look at each other during. Hands together, whispering about what you’re doing. Touch, play, bring it to the edge where you have to have each other.

Fucking: This can be in any position but I recommend starting out in missionary so you can look at each other. Take your time. Hold each other and kiss. Touch the mouth, the face, the eyes. Whisper into his ear while you grab his ass and pull him into you. Do what you need to cum- rub your clit, a toy, another position, etc. What will be powerful is the buildup of energy you’ve created through foreplay. The words you’ve said to each other. The whispers while he surges inside you. Your mutual desire to make it last as long as possible. 

Emotions: Say the words. Even if you aren’t there yet, say how you are feeling, how he is making you feel. Say it. Don’t be afraid. Tears? Let them happen. Hold her and let her feel. Absorb every bit of each other you can. “I feel so good with you. Yes, right there, feels so good. Please don’t stop. I want to stay inside you forever.”

Aftercare: Doesn’t matter if you’ve spent the afternoon or ten minutes on each other, always ALWAYS do aftercare. Cuddles, whispers, gentle touches, a nap. Just be close. Don’t be afraid of each other. Pet her hair. Rub his neck. Fall asleep on his chest. Be kind to one another.

Lovemaking is slow and intimate. For it to be good, you have to pay attention to each other. You have to spend time and really enjoy what you are doing. Yes, there can be gentle elements of control that would turn on a deeply kinky girl. He holds your hair and looks in your eyes as he fucks you. Tells you where to touch him. Tells you when to cum. Sees you are close and slows down, making you wait for that orgasm. But…you can’t have those elements of control unless you learn each other’s bodies and spend time doing that. How else can he know how you are, how to direct your sexual energy? 

You have to Raspberry Test first. Everything else builds from there.

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