Subtle Lucidity @subtlelucidity-blog - Tumblr Blog

"what do you do in your freetime?"

I don’t smoke cigarettes and don’t judge those who do, it’s just never been by bag. When ever I’m asked if I smoke I usually just reply, not cigarettes.

#lonely #depression #sadness #love #hate #boring

"Numb" [Chester Bennington (Mike Shinoda):] I'm tired of being what you want me to be Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface Don't know what you're expecting of me Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes (Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow) Every step that I take is another mistake to you (Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow) [Chester Bennington:] I've become so numb, I can't feel you there Become so tired, so much more aware I'm becoming this, all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you [Chester Bennington (Mike Shinoda):] Can't you see that you're smothering me, Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control? 'Cause everything that you thought I would be Has fallen apart right in front of you. (Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow) Every step that I take is another mistake to you. (Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow) And every second I waste is more than I can take. [Chester Bennington:] I've become so numb, I can't feel you there, Become so tired, so much more aware I'm becoming this, all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you. And I know I may end up failing too. But I know You were just like me with someone disappointed in you. I've become so numb, I can't feel you there, Become so tired, so much more aware. I'm becoming this, all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you. [Chester Bennington (Mike Shinoda):] I've become so numb, I can't feel you there. (I'm tired of being what you want me to be) I've become so numb, I can't feel you there. (I'm tired of being what you want me to be)

#numb

I can see the beauty in a sunset or the sparkles of the ocean blue. I can see the outer beauty of people such as the waiter who keeps asking me if I want water while my glass is still full or the beauty of a true crime author who I wished entered my life in a better way. I can the the beauty of the stars above and the beauty of all the cats and dogs that bark and meow here in earth. I can see beauty.

I consider myself gender neutral, or gender none existent. I have been hit on by both men and woman, while it does some what flatter me I know that I won’t allow it to ever progress. I like how some can see the outer beauty I posses but yet dark and twisted on the inside.

I was sexually molested by a sibling around the time I was six years old and it went on for sometime. I had been sexually molested by my real father and by my mothers co-worker and even eventually almost raped by my own co-worker.

I use to swear at God about it and wrestled with a belief in spiritual things, I still wrestle with that too.

I have had my stomach pumped twice and even had to eat charcoal or they would have had to pump my stomach again.

I use to cut so that I could allow what ever sickness was inside me escape.

I have been hospitalized several times.

I’m broken.

I guess all these pills help a little because I’m still here trying to find my way out of this lost dreary existence so that also maybe one day I can look at life as a beautiful thing rather than how I truly see it today, a punishment.

#me too #sadness #depression #love #hate #death #suicide #broken #feelings #down

depressionhope

I was found unconsciousness about two months ago in the bathroom. I remember getting ready to leave the bathroom one minute and waking up in an ambulance the next. I was connected to an IV. The Parametric asked me what I took as far as pills or what ever and I could only respond back with “Oxygen” unfortunately, he wasn’t amused. They took a ton of test at the hospital and found nothing wrong with me, sigh*.

I’m going to go now and take a shower.

#alone #sadness #hopeless #depression #lost #suicide #twisted hamster figurines #i scream in public #selfhate #feelings #hate #love #fuck valentines day

Burning

#the devil makes three

Friend: Try an have a positive outlook on things today, ok?

Me:

#broken #depressed #depression #sadness #feelings #lost #love #suicide #suffereing #selfhate #alone

"Silent Lucidity" Hush now, don't you cry Wipe away the teardrop from your eye You're lying safe in bed It was all a bad dream Spinning in your head Your mind tricked you to feel the pain Of someone close to you leaving the game of life So here it is, another chance Wide awake you face the day Your dream is over... or has it just begun? There's a place I like to hide A doorway that I run through in the night Relax child, you were there But only didn't realize and you were scared It's a place where you will learn To face your fears, retrace the years And ride the whims of your mind Commanding in another world Suddenly you hear and see This magic new dimension I- will be watching over you I- am gonna help you see it through I- will protect you in the night I- am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity [spoken during solo] (Visualize your dream) (Record it in the present tense) (Put it into a permanent form) (If you persist in your efforts) (You can achieve dream control) (Dream control) (How are we feeling today, better??) (Dream control, dream control) (Help me) If you open your mind for me You won't rely on open eyes to see The walls you built within Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin Living twice at once you learn You're safe from pain in the dream domain A soul set free to fly A round trip journey in your head Master of illusion, can you realize Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but... I- will be watching over you I- am gonna help to see it through I- will protect you in the night I- am smiling next to you....

#silent lucidity #queensryche

My therapist said I should write a journal but I have paranoia that someone would read it and see that I would want Ted Bundy to hug me alone in a private place or that I would eat candy with John Wayne Gacy or take a cooking class from jeffrey dahmer or even maybe as ed gein for fashion advice, he could so my makeup. So in again comes Tumblr, here is my journal, here is where I will write how I feel when I feel.

Some people fear the boogeyman, I fear crowds.

#therapy #therapist #help me #depressed #depression #sadness #sad

I don’t know if all depressed people live to lives at once (I should get an award). I have my facebook side which is like I guess my public side, smiling, rosy and cheerful self while on the inside i’m screaming and hoping for natural causes to take me away.

If I see friends, go out in public and by the time I get home I feel like I could sleep for weeks. It’s a funny thing about Tumblr, I came across it or tumbled upon it to look for articles to have a facebook page, made some mistakes but actually lived through it, wasn’t sure but actually found a place to where I could vent, be myself and for that I’m thankful.

I’m not the best writer, I think I’m the worst at it because I have all these racing thoughts in my head and sometimes I feel as though I add words that I didn’t mean to write or don’t write what I meant to and I’m to lazy sometimes to correct errors.

Anyways, just some thoughts.