Ok, so I had this amazing idea in my head that I think brilliant things that will change the world while I'm high.To prove myself and others, I decided to reframe this old Tumblr of mine to be: "The things I think when I'm high". (Self-deprecating blog, but with the best of intentions :) )
Ok maybe once a week was too ambitious. I need time to think about my emotions before being able to write them.
Over these past couple of weeks a couple of things have happened.
* I went to a shrink proper. I started taking some antidepressants. I'm starting to feel much better now, but still going through all the side-effects.
* I had an interview for a foreign company. It started great but I realised it was a bit too early, the company and the offer didn't feel right, neither did the city/country I'd have to move to, so I turned it down. At least it showed me that opportunities still exist and I'm not that unprepared for them.
* I met someone else. We've been taking things slowly, it's fun and chill.
So overall my life is changing for the better. I like where it's going even though I don't know whare that is yet :)
So it has been over a year now, last time I posted was in Feb 21.
I wanted to write a blog post remembering all that has happened since then, but the post became a bit of a script for my next therapy session. Here it goes:
This is what happened to me over this 1 1/2 year that I've been away from Tumblr:
So i'm single now. I went back to therapy. I am very very slowly starting to realise that I need to focus on myself. I've heard this throughout my adult, professional, love, family life:
My mum keeps telling me I need to buy a house, car, whatever. All she's trying to say is that I should focus on me. On my longtime stability and success.
My bosses usually ended up telling me I need to figure out what I want to do, if I want to continue at my career path or if I want to go down on a managerial role.
My love life is basically me gravitating towards people to whom I yield my entire life-protagonism. Shrink tells me I always prioritise my partners over me, the people I actively get close to (my 'friends') are always the people with whom I don't need to have a big personality, I can just be there, so they end up out-shining me.
Lately my ex-husband and I have been fighting a lot, I felt like I had changed and I have started to stand up for myself. Amongst other things, the relationship was put to too much pressure and collapsed. I, left confused over the boiling pot my head has become recently, got stunned over what had happened, what that meant for my life, what I would do...
I got in a fight with my then closest friends because I got myself too involved with them and the situation we were in. And that left me stunned as well.
I developed friendships with people that are easily become the spotlight in social events.
I started dating someone who is a lead singer in a band, a true-hearted Leo! Interestingly enough, I'm also a Leo and that should be the opposite of the stereotypical Leo trait of wanting to be the center of attention. I'm not even in my own center of attention.
Anyway, I have written enough arguments for the next paragraph.
My next milestone in life is going to be: to move to Germany in 2023. For that I'd need to: improve my mental health to a level in which I can organise my head and have motivation to do what is needed to do what it takes to achieve this goal
A rough sketch of a plan is:
Study for interviewing: algorithms, practicing, having introspection moments about my recent career such as my highlights, my comeuppances, the interesting things I've done, etc That would build my confidence to do the next step;
Finding and attending job interviews
Getting a good offer
Back with learning German?
I'm not sure about timelines. Ball-parking 1 month for studying, 3 for interviews, then around 6 months until I'm there. So we're talking about a year.
Realistically, what could I expect if I take something like Ritalin or a focus-booster, anti-anxiety and/or anti-depressants? Is it a 1 month or a years-long kind of thing?
Anyway, to help with this plan, I'm intending to write constant updates to this blog. Weekly maybe? Or even daily, if that's not too ambitious of my part.
Things I remembered during my walk with the dog and I need to tell my husband when I get home
- The store in front of us has amazing kitchenware and it is NOT as expensive as we judged it to be!
- There is a place that sells pĂŁo de queijo on our street, did you know that? (Shame I don't eat cheese anymore haha)
- There is a fancy rich upscale place that sells roasted chicken (like the little bakeries in the countryside. (Shame I don't eat meat anymore haha)
- There are some cool bars/restaurants/shops on a part of neighbourhood we don't usually go to: on the first block across Augusta and Oscar Freire.
- Last thing is a bit personal, but it is the most important: I was listening to you speaking to your student and it just dawned upon me (again): you are such an interesting person, with such interesting ideas, you are intelligent, and I can NEVER lose you in my life. I love you :) And we need to do this more often! I have no idea why, but when we are at home we don't really speak to each other, but when we are out, we are so interesting together. We need to go out more. Even if the quarantine is still one. We can just sit down on the park and have a beer, there's nobody there. But we need to be there for each other, like we do when we go out to a fancy restaurant.
- Ich habe gerade viele Leute gehört, die Deutsch gesprochen haben. TatsÀchlich, die Englisch gesprochen haben, aber ich wollte Deutsch schreiben ;P
- Tem muito viado nessas ruas de SĂŁo Paulo, muita gente interessante. Isso acontece com cidades em que hĂĄ muito a se fazer.
So much on my mind - Poles Dualities Ying Yang bisexuals
Neutrality is such a cool concept. It might just as well be as powerful as the poles. Positive and negatives of any concept are known for their characteristics, but when you're on the neutral âzoneâ, it is seen as the boring and âmehâ characteristics, when in fact they are characteristics that transcend these two poles, they're on another dimension.
The "fuck it meditation". Work time was about over when I turned my laptop off, grabbed my dog's lead as the rain was pouring down outside the window. I put my phone and wallet on the table, put on a rain coat on my dog, and just went out. You have no obligations, no plans, nobody pressuring you, it's a great time to have some quality alone time. And I just had an idea: we should meditate while we're out.
A cultural generation is "discovered" by what the youth of that generation were doing.
My generation is known by the Internet. I "witnessed" the boom of the Internet. Since I was young I would go on foruns (bulletin boards), IRC, ICQ, etc ( I know there was a lot before, but I experienced the boom at one point before it got as widespread as it is now.)
Anyway, I think nowadays, one of the most important ways of young people to communicate is TikTok/Twitter/Reddit(?), it's ever more global way of generating content and experiences (culture). Is this where the next "cultural era" is pointing to?
You know. Sometimes I have these crazy thought processes in my mind. Like... how come etiquette came to be? Why was it invented?
Then I try to answer with whatever comes to mind. Whatever that makes logical sense, even if it is not intuitive. And sometimes I just can't explain why that wouldn't be the case. So why not consider it to have happened? Then I finish a thought process and all I wanted to do was to gather specialists and discuss why that would or would not work.
The example above about etiquette had me thinking: the first societies that invented cutlery ate as a family (is that true?). And they had to make rules so that people wouldn't bother each other (were they civilised to that point?). Each family came with their own set. But eventually they shared information and eventually they all started doing the same. Creating the rules of etiquette.Â
Eating as a group must have been such a big, old concept, that these customs over it must have been originated really early on in human History.
I just had this amazing feeling: I don't have Fears.
Or better: they have no control over me. I just got in the living room and the fear of the dark was gone! It looked like I was in a magical forest, with Night Owl or MGMT playing in the background.
Just look at that, how cute.
Anyway it took me 25 minutes to write these shitty 2 paragraphs of Text. I'm clearly losing it! hahaha
After watching the documentary The Game Changer, I get it now. All my misconceptions/fears about plant based diets are gone! (I do need to fact check them, tho)
A meat-based diet was created by the meat industry itself. It's the current age public addiction equivalent of the cigarette industry in the XX century. If you don't eat meat, you're lesser of a man. Meat protein is better absorbed than plant based protein. You're not gonna grow bigger without a lot of protein/ a lot of meat. You won't have enough energy. Etc, etc, etc.
I have then decided to go stricter on my diet. Right now I am cooking vegan dishes for my lunches throughout the week, and the test of the days/meals, I'll reduce meat consumption.
The fact is, i don't even feel like I need meat anymore. It does taste nice, but I have explored so many different flavours that I don't feel like I have to always have that umami, salty flavour. It's just one of so many different flavour profiles. It's a shame most people only like to explore the sugaryandthe meaty profiles.
Anyway, I hope I manage to keep up. I'm gonna start this week, although I do have some mealprep in the fridge with animal products So I'm gonna eat those first and then start the challenge, because one thing worse than eating meat is food waste.
