miserable (you & me) | y. jeongin <3
a/n: and we're back (sort of)! my life is...entirely different since i last posted on here (hence the random hiatus in writing), but i simply cannot leave this series unfinished. please enjoy some angsty jeongin content (with a happy ending of course) <3 pics not mine~
content: angst, happy ending | wc: 1.5k | warnings: none really! | pairing: jeongin x gn!reader
집 밖은 너무 차가워 돌아가 네게 바보같이 / “it’s too cold outside i return to you like a fool”
jeongin’s hands trembled while he watched his breath swirl around the air in front of him. the time between his i’m here message and you opening the door felt like an eternity, or at least a few centuries of agony. a soft smile graced his features when your eyes connected with his. you returned a small smile, mostly out of instinct, stepping to the side to let him in. even though jeongin knew these motions were a habit, he pretended that you were as comforted by his presence as he was by yours. he pretended that things were what they used to be.
discarding his shoes and jacket, he followed you to the couch, your blanket discarded and drink half-finished. you had been watching tv when he texted you an almost expected are you busy? you, unsurprisingly, replied not really. want to come over?
colder days often brought you two together, and, despite the recent fights before tonight and attempts at minimal contact since, he ended up here again. the silence that remained between you two proved that something was different, as did the gap between your spots on the sofa.
jeongin hated angst. he hated any situation that could be described as angsty, and he hated feeling it a million times more. he never believed in being half-hearted in relationships. he was all-in, all the time. yet, things with you were unclear. one small fight turned into a handful of bigger fights. you said you needed time to think, and jeongin said he’d give you space. tonight, however, he couldn’t handle the space. life was stressful, and, without you, he felt completely disoriented. these days, more often than not, he felt like he was floating aimlessly, unable to touch the ground without you there to greet him. jeongin respected your wishes, but, right now, he needed you. honestly, he always needed you. which is why he kept coming back, in spite of his promises to stay away. he felt better with you around, even if you felt far away as you did now, sitting on the opposite end of the couch.
“thank you for letting me come over,” he whispered.
you nodded, “yeah, no problem. what’ve you…” you glanced at him briefly, heart aching at his slumped shoulders, “are you okay?”
he winced at the discomfort in your voice. how could he be the reason you weren’t comfortable? how could your endlessly flowing conversations turn into stilted questions in the span of a few weeks? how could you still treat him with care when he couldn’t find it in himself to do the one thing you asked? how could you worry about him when he didn’t deserve to take up the space you needed, the space he promised to give you?
“it was just a hard day. you know how it is,” jeongin shrugged.
you sighed. jeongin could never lie to you, and this was a lame attempt at masking his pain. part of you wanted to take the out and not pry any further, avoid comforting him like you always did. but the other part of you, the part that cared for jeongin so deeply, knew you wouldn’t be able to sleep if you didn’t know what was on his mind.
“innie,” you turned to face him fully, “what’s going on?”
jeongin swore he could have broken down right then and there, hearing you call his name sweetly. it was the closest he had felt to you in ages. he swallowed hard, pushing back the tears that came with the overwhelming feeling of safety you gave him again and again, even when he knew he didn’t deserve it.
“it’s nothing really. it’s that, well,” jeongin sighed, the frustration he felt toward himself abundantly clear, “i hate this. i hate that, after all the fights, all i can think about is how much i miss you and how i’m not supposed to be near you. i’m not saying i don’t respect your space; hell, the more time i spend with my thoughts, the more i understand why you asked for it. i think what i’m trying to say is…”
jeongin paused. he knew he couldn’t half-explain himself if he had any desire to get out of this ambiguous stage of your relationship. but he also knew that he couldn’t just dump everything on you without thinking it through. so he stopped talking to look at you. to see the evidence of your own exhaustion, your own confusion. if his heart wasn’t already broken, it was certainly shattered now, seeing how the time apart had taken a toll on you too. it wasn’t fair, any of it. but, jeongin knew that, one way or another, tonight had to end with some clarity. even if it wasn’t the answer he wanted, he needed to hear it.
“i can’t do this. i can’t have us be half in a relationship, half out of it. i tell myself that the space is temporary, but i don’t even know that for sure. so it’s like i’m spiraling every second of the day, wondering over and over again what’s going to happen to us. maybe this makes me a jerk who is pressuring you to sort out your feelings quicker than you can, but it hurts too much for me to keep going like this. on nights like tonight, i feel like i’m going crazy. and i know it’s unfair, but the only way for me stay sane is to be next to you. i’m sorry. i’m sure it doesn’t seem genuine, and i’m sure i’m being the most selfish person in the world right now. but i mean it. i am sorry. i just…i really miss you.”
you felt the urge to hold him so deeply at that moment that you almost threw away everything you’d been feeling. one of the most difficult things was keeping your hands in your lap, but you did it. because you knew that, if your relationship were to get better, you had to start by not immediately fixing his problem by disregarding your own. even if it meant he had to hurt a little longer. even if it meant you had to hurt a little longer.
“what do you want me to say, jeongin? i asked you for space because i needed that to sort out my thoughts. it’s hard to do that when you keep asking to come over, just to sit in this uncomfortable silence for a few hours until i go to bed and you go home. it’s not that i don’t want to see you, but i…why do you keep coming over?”
jeongin frowned. he’d be lying if he said that question didn’t hurt his heart. but he understood. every time he asked to come back to you, he was breaking the no-contact rule. there was no way to answer without revealing everything. jeongin hated sentimental confessions almost as much as he hated angst, but, for you, always for you, he’d make an exception.
“i’m sorry. again, i know that can’t mean much when i keep breaking the promise to give you space, but it’s true. i…i’m so lonely without you, and i feel lost. y/n, i know i had a part in us turning into this. i want to be a part of the solution too. please, even if only for tonight, tell me what i can do. even if you stop feeling the way you felt before all of this, i want you to know that i’d follow you to the ends of the earth. ever since i met you, i don’t know how to do anything other than be with you. i don’t want to be anything except be there for you. you’ve been there for me, so many times, and you continue to be there for me on nights like this. i guess what i’m trying to say is…” jeongin sighed, running a frustrated hand through his hair, “i’m sorry, and i love you.”
leave it to jeongin to make your desire for space disappear with a late-night confession. he could be puzzling and frustrating, but he was always, always genuine. his earnestness is why you kept opening that door for him on cold nights, even when you were so upset that you didn’t want to admit that it felt colder without him by your side.
the tone of your voice gave jeongin a burst of hope, the first lightness he felt in his chest in far too long, “okay?”
you nodded, “i still need a little more time to figure out exactly how i feel and what i need. but i understand how this limbo isn’t helping either of us. you can stay tonight. tomorrow, i’ll need you to follow the no-contact rule. then, the next day, i’ll have my answer.”
jeongin nodded, solemnly agreeing to this plan, even if there was a chance it all ended with you going your separate ways.
“thank you,” he stopped to make sure you saw how serious he was, “i really mean it. thank you.”
instead of saying anything massive, you reached out your hand. jeongin wrapped his fingers around yours embarrassingly quickly, nearly jumping out of his seat when you asked, “do you want to watch a movie?”
jeongin realized he had never wanted to say “yes” more to anything in his life.