yall haven’t written the next chapter of ur fanfic and it really shows

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@swizzlestickswrites
yall haven’t written the next chapter of ur fanfic and it really shows
In honor of Peter coming back, have an (almost) canon-compliant one-shot about the day he left!
Also available on ao3
Peter Nureyev spent a lot of time thinking about why Juno Steel left him without a word.
It shouldn’t have been a mystery. It wasn’t a mystery. Peter was not unfamiliar with the concept of cold feet.
But waking up in that bed alone had been…
There was something of a mystery about it. Something of a mystery about Juno. Because Juno Steel did not want Peter hurt. Not as such. Juno had tortured himself into unconsciousness time and time again when they had been Miasma’s prisoners, and he’d done it to keep Miasma from hurting Peter. The first time they’d met, he’d taken the brunt of an attack meant for Peter, had almost passed out from blood loss afterwards.
No, Juno did not want Peter to be hurt. And yet waking up alone in that bed had hurt far more than any punch Peter thought Cecil Kanagawa could muster. It had scared him more than anything Miasma had done to him. It had been like losing Juno all over again, not to a bomb this time, but to the detective's own demons. And this time, Peter was afraid, he wouldn’t be getting Juno back. There was no miracle he know of, no purus egg that could drive out Juno’s self-loathing.
Because that was what it boiled down to, really. It didn’t take a detective to see it. Juno threw himself in the way of everything, anything he could. His signature move was the sacrifice play. And that, more than anything else, was what made Peter angry. He wasn’t angry that Juno had turned down his offer, although he wished the detective had at least the decency to say it rather than leaving without a word. Peter could live with being abandoned. But being sacrificed at the altar of Juno Steel’s self-hatred was too much for him. Peter Nureyev did not like being used. And no one, not even Juno, had the right to use him to hurt Juno.
Which was why, when he woke up alone, he had waited. There was no one there, there was no one to see him sit up slowly, pick up his glasses from the bedside table, and clean them. There was no one there to see Peter Nureyev’s vice-grip on his own emotions only waver slightly when he looked at the empty space Juno had left in the stiff hotel blankets. Juno Steel did not want Peter Nureyev hurt. And therefore, this was not about Peter Nureyev.
And that, perhaps, was the cruelest part of it.
The thought occurred to Peter that he should leave. Leave his self-destructive detective behind and return to the comfort of motion, the clinical simplicity of jumping from planet to planet, entangled in nothing but conspiracy, no complicated emotions to ensnare him.
But it was too late, he realized just as quickly. Leaving Mars behind would not seal away his feelings for Juno. Much like Juno, he had taken a gamble and decided to swallow this pill. And it had grown in him, continued to grow and spread. If he was not careful, he would lose everything to it. Peter’s weapon of choice, before knives even, was his mind. And there was no room in his mind now for anything but Juno Steel. In this state, Peter was worse than useless. A master thief needs a clear mind, and Peter’s was anything but.
He had stayed in that hotel room for hours. He had let his head rest in his hands, first sitting on the edge of the bed, then at the small desk the room provided. He had paced. He had washed his face, applied makup, angrily washed his face again and reapplied, and repeated the process until his face was raw with scrubbing. He couldn’t get it right. It felt like futility, and that was when Peter had finally broken, sitting on the edge of the tub with his eyeliner clutched in his hand, the heels of his palms pressed into his eyes as sobs rolled through him like ripples on a lake from a stone Juno Steel had thrown.
He went to the spaceport after that. He had sat in the car, staring at the ships arriving and departing, the two tickets he’d bought for Juno and himself tucked safely in his pocket. It made him sick to even think of getting on the ship alone. Not today. And so he had turned back to the city, this Hyperion City that was as much a part of Juno Steel as the detective was a part of it. Peter had driven into the heart of it, until the dome overhead was just blue sparkles choked through chemical smog. And he vowed to try to learn this city.
This city was the kiln in which Juno Steel continued on his broken way without cracking apart entirely in the flames. Perhaps the detective was afraid that, removed from that heat, the sudden release would finally do what Hyperion City could not, and he would shatter into nothing more than a thousand sharp barbs.
So Peter wouldn’t commit to it, but he would try to learn the city. Because if he could learn the place that had made and broken Juno Steel, maybe he would learn to take Juno as he was, not as he wanted him to be. Maybe he would learn how to leave once again, the first thing he had truly been good at, a skill he seemed to have suddenly forgotten. And maybe, just maybe, he would get a chance to show Juno that Peter Nureyev was no one’s sacrificial lamb. He would not let Juno turn him into another wound to carry, another burden on those already-bowed shoulders, another knife Juno could turn on himself and push into his atrophying heart.
If this place was Juno’s heart, Peter would learn it. If it was Juno’s prison, Peter would try to learn why. And if it was simply an entity of which Juno was an avatar, and the two could never be separated…
Then Peter would leave. And he would try to forget the grouchy, unintentionally cruel detective who thought his most redeeming feature was that he tried to be cruelest to himself. He would try to forget how Juno’s suspicious nature was just a stubborn smokescreen to cover his latent fear and despair. He would try to forget how Juno walked, like the entire world was resting on him and he had never learned how to carry the weight. Peter would even try to unlearn the lines of Juno’s small, sensitive face, the greedy, guilty way it looked when he thought he was getting something he didn’t deserve, the way it had looked against the pillows in the darkness of the hotel room. They were so, so careful with each other, but Juno’s every move was desperate and needing and so painfully grateful for what Peter and he were doing. Peter had known, even then, that Juno did not think he deserved to be loved this way. He had tried to show Juno otherwise, taking all the cruelty of the world and doubling it, giving it back as gentleness to the man in his arms, tenderly giving Juno all of what he so clearly needed, until Juno was entirely unmade, succumbing to what Peter gave him, his mind finally yielding to allow himself just this moment of what he so clearly, desperately wanted.
Peter had told Juno he loved him.
It had not been enough to make Juno stay.
But Peter did not think that Hyperion City was Juno Steel. Too much of Juno was rage: he wanted the world to be better, and he couldn’t live with the disappointment that it wasn’t, so he fought against it with every breath he took. Peter had stopped fighting the same battle years ago, but Juno would not let go. Perhaps Peter had been a fool to think he could remove the detective from his ongoing deathmatch with the world. The world was always going to win, and yet Juno could no more give up than Atlas could put down the world and walk away.
But Peter at least deserved closure. More than Juno had seen fit to give him. And so he would learn this city that Juno was fighting, an entire small world Juno could not let himself leave.
Peter already knew that the city could not be saved. All he could do, if he was very lucky, would be to save the two of them from it
half of fic research is rereading the fandom wiki four times for obscure character info and the other half is googling shit like “when did we start using drywall in home construction”
davenport: so you’re taako and lup…?
taako: yes
davenport: what is your last name?
lup: um, we wrote it on the application?? can you read or like
davenport: i can read it just fine. i just don’t think your last names are actually “from tv” or “you know”, the latter of which is followed by a semicolon and closed parenthesis.
lup: it’s a winky face
davenport: i gathered that, yes.
they compromise and list the twins’ last names as “yuno-fromtivi”
lucretia: that’s a unique surname. where is it from?
taako: e…elf.
(thus ends lucretia’s first attempt at befriending taako)
davenport: hello mr…bl…bleu…?
barry: bluejeans. it;s just,, uh,, just bluejeans,,, i panicked.?
davenport: Does Anyone At This Noble Institution Have A Last Fucking Name
magnus burnsides: hi i’m here for the p
davenport: you’re hired
bold words from Davenport, first name Captain
a taako and lup commission for jen for her partner! happy birthday!
stay strange, kepler
TAZ Arcs as John Mulaney Quotes
Here There Be Gerblins: This might as well happen. Adult life is already so God damn weird.
Murder on the Rockport Limited: “I’ll tell you what we’ll do! We’ll draw chalk around the body is. That way we’ll know where it was…”
Petals to the Metal: “I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it!”
The Crystal Kingdom: “Is it an “E” or is it a “3”? That’s up to ye. The passwords of past you’ve correctly guessed, but now it’s time for the robot test!”
The Eleventh Hour: “All right, well, what do they do with the time machine?” “Well, now I’m embarrassed to say.“
The Suffering Game: And I go: “Why are you doing this to me?” and they go: “Because we’re Delta Airlines and life is a fucking nightmare!”
The Stolen Century: “All right, there’s a Norwegian Cruise Line leaving for Martinique. Here’s my plan: you and me get very dressed up, including hats, and then we wave handkerchiefs at it until it disappears over the horizon.”
Story and Song: You’re a 22-year-old temp, and you’re so hungover, and you just wanna die every day. And then that happens in front of you, and I don’t know, gives you hope?
unarguably the funniest moment in the entire podcast so far
summary (because this audio isn’t edited and has irrelevant filler)
-Taako purchases The Slicer of Tapeer-Wheer Isles: “A stone which, on a successful Persuasion check, can be traded to anyone for the most valuable thing they have in their possession” for 900 gold.
-He also purchases a book that increases his persuasion skill, and uses it.
-Taako convinces Garfield the Deals Warlock to give him the Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword Of Doom (an extremely overpowered weapon worth 60,000 gold that Griffin placed in the game as a joke.) for The Slicer of Tapeer-Wheer Isles.
-The trade succeeds, and Taako (a wizard who has no use for a weapon like this) immediately straps it to his back, revealing that he purchased it as a fashion accessory.
You don’t need to know DnD or even this podcast to understand how great this is. Because you can hear the moment that Griffin realizes the shit his brother is about to pull, and simultaneously that he can not only do nothing to stop it, but that he gave him the tools to pull it off so *perfectly*
This is just gold.
The idea behind this is the b.o.b/ipre gang are all having a beach get together and Ango is takin’ pictures because he loves his weird found family.
I did these for the @adventuringfanbook project- you should go check it out!
inside because the last time he was at the beach it was for an entire year, which is not ideal for a man with his complexion. He can still feel the sting from Magnus slapping him on the back
can u imagine taako living in a world where online shopping existed nothing would be safe
taako at 3 AM entering barry bluejeans’ credit card info on a somewhat sketchy site: these clothes are gonna be so sweet wait til lup sees
I have this really stupid and terrible Stolen Century headcanon that during one cycle Barry decides to grow a full beard and almost every other member of the IPRE fucking hates it. (It doesn’t look BAD, exactly, it’s just you get used to someone’s face looking a certain way once youve known them for almost a hundred years and its WEIRD)
The crew begs him to shave it off for months. He refuses because Lup thinks it’s cute.
Davenport: Barry, that beard is against IPRE regulation.
Barry: Since when? Merle and Magnus also have beards?
Davenport: Since… … Uh… … … Please?
He looks over Lucretia’s shoulder and she’s drawn a little cartoony illustration of him in one of her journals and written “INCORRECT” underneath it in big block letters.
Magnus: Barry I love you and you’re my family and you’re perfect but I can’t stand your face right now and I refuse to look at it
Taako leaves a straight razor on his bed and he’s not sure if it’s a gift or a threat.
Merle: Who the fuck are you?
(No one can tell if Merle is joking.)
Lup: ♥‿♥
Sorry to hijack this and ruin it with terrible formatting but these were so good and I was inspired and had to doodle all of them:
OH MY GOD!! ♥ ♥ ♥
I LOVE THIS SO SO MUCH AAAHAHA
This, but That Mullet?
enjoy some new Good Good Boy Clips
“His hand was warm”
[ID: A greyscale image of Angus McDonald. He’s a boy with curly hair and a big grin. He’s wearing a sweater over a button-up shirt. He has a large, floppy wizard hat on, and a wand with a star on the end in one hand. With the other, he’s holding up the wizard hat’s brim.]
today’s angus… stole a hat!
concept: taako gets a cat during the bureau days and magnus is FURIOUS
GOD. Taako and Lucretia bonding over cats; I need this content in my life.
i don’t see taako and barry’s friendship explored nearly enough in modern AUs. give me these dumb dumb boys being idiot best friends together whenever lup is busy. i want barry being dragged along shopping with taako and suggesting terrible clothes for him to try on only for taako to manage to pull them off. give me barry convincing taako to use an ouija board with him to see what will happen. taako doesn’t believe in that stuff but he ends up getting creeped out anyway and burning it in the backyard afterwards
Lup is out of town, so Barry is staying with Taako for the weekend.
(“Where did she say she was going?”
“She said she had a business trip”
“Don’t you guys have the same job?”)
Taako decides to do the good brother-in-law thing and take Barry fantasy thrifting. They decide that they’re going to pick out outfits for each other to wear for Lup’s homecoming.
BUT THE THING IS they’ve had a prank war going for some time now, and Barry realizes this is how Taako is going to get him, so he picks out the most hideous clothes he can find. Something like this:
Just AWFUL.
Anyway they make their purchases, and leave, and Barry is v smug thinking there’s no way the outfit Taako picked for him is going to be worse than the one he bought for Taako.
A day or two later, Lup rings home on her stone of farspeech to let them know she’ll be be home in an hour or so, so the boys trade shopping bags, and Barry opens his, a little bit terrified of what he’s going to have to wear for the rest of he day, and it’s… good. There’s a nice new denim jacket with some faded patches sewn onto it, and dark jeans that are worn in all the right places.
And Barry has a sudden realization that- Oh Shit! This wasn’t part of the prank war. So he runs out, ready to explain what happened, so he won’t feel like as much of an asshole. He hears Taako’s voice from behind the door,
“You know, Barold, I did have my doubts, but…”
And he walks out and he is pulling it off FLAWLESSLY. Barry is speechless. Taako tells him he has an eye for fashion, and pulls him in into a hug. Barry is so relieved that he doesn’t notice Taako sticking a note that reads ‘hug me’ onto his back. He is hunted ruthlessly by the rest of the IPRE (mostly Magnus and Lup) for the rest of the day.
HEY
I love this