On mind, different alter to previous ask talking, how would an alter know if they're hypersexual when the system is asexual? We've done research, we've done tests, but nothing is clear enough and I can't find much on experiencing both at once or how to know for sure. It stresses me out dealing with this. Sorry if this is a bit much even to ask on this blog, I don't know where else to go
Just to start, we are not a professional and we do recommend reaching out to someone who Knows Their Shit when it comes to this stuff if it's distressing - especially if you suspect it's trauma related or if it's causing feelings of shame. I know it isn't easy or accessible, but I wanna emphasize that we aren't qualified to give diagnoses or offer treatment plans or anything.
From a brief reading of a few top articles, it seems that two important elements of hypersexuality are compulsive (uncontrollable) behavior and feelings of shame/regret, but hypersexuality is not a well-defined disorder, syndrome, or even symptom. There isn't one "test" or assessment for being diagnosed with hypersexuality. It is a controversial topic in the field of mental health - studies have shown that "sex addiction" has more to do with a person's shameful feelings surrounding their own behavior than an actual addiction, which creates physical and psychological dependencies. Be wary of sources that use the term "sex addiction".
That being said, we can still have unhealthy relationships with our sexualities or experience compulsive sexual behaviors regardless of whether it's called "hypersexuality" or not.
I pulled some questions about hypersexuality from this Health.com article - If I were trying to figure this out myself, I'd answer questions like these at least twice - Once from the perspective of the alter that may be hypersexual, and at once from an alter who isn't. Multiple other alters if I feel up to it! Then I'd compare the different responses. If they aren't all relevant, that's okay - this isn't diagnostic in nature.
Have your sexual thoughts and behaviors ever made it difficult for you to complete important tasks?
Have your sexual thoughts and behaviors had negative effects on your health or your relationships with others?
Do you ever have negative feelings about yourself as a result of your thoughts and behaviors?
Have your activities caused financial issues?
Do you have feelings of guilt and shame related to your sexual behavior?
Have you found yourself in embarrassing situations because of your sex drive?
Has your behavior affected your ability to work or go to school?
I'll also pose a few questions myself about general sexuality. These are not from the above article.
What do you feel emotionally when experiencing sexual feelings/arousal?
What do you feel physically when experiencing sexual feelings/arousal?
Do you feel in control of your actions when experiencing sexual feelings/arousal?
What were you taught about sex growing up? Did you receive accurate and age-appropriate sex-ed?
Are there other past experiences in your life that might influence the way you feel about sex? If so, how do they influence it? Examples: Media depictions, purity culture, peer pressure, traumatic experiences, etc.
How do you want to feel about sex?
Are the responses different? Do you see any recurring or conflicting ideas between alters? What emotions do you feel while answering the questions?
We can't get a Yes/No, Hypersexual/Not-Hypersexual output from these questions, but the intention is to spark thought about how we feel and to help us conclude whether we have a healthy relationship with our sexualities ourselves.
Being in a majority asexual system, particularly if being sex-repulsed is a common experience for a majority, can create a sense of shame or self-disgust. If this is a problem for you, you might want to work towards a sex-neutral perspective. This doesn't mean you have to personally become comfortable with sex - it means reducing negative reactions to it, like shame and disgust. For us, psychotherapy and exposure worked great, but that won't work for everyone! Deconstruct the idea of what sex is and what it means - separate the act/feelings from ideas about what it might say about you as a person. You do not have to be allosexual or sex-favorable! But it can be very helpful to see sex as a thing that some people just like to do, like rock climbing or roller skating.
If there is a compulsive element - if you feel like you cannot control your actions - then Urge Surfing may be a helpful strategy to avoid behaviors you don't want to carry out. Here's an infographic from Therapist Aid about it:
[Image Text Transcription: Urge Surfing. Urge surfing is a technique for managing your unwanted behaviors. Rather than giving in to an urge, you will ride it out, like a surfer riding a wave. After a short time, the urge will pass on its own.
This technique can be used to stop or reduce drug or alcohol use, emotional reactions such as "blowing up" when angry, gambling, and other unwanted behaviors.
Trigger: An urge is triggered by a person, place, thought, feeling, or something else.
Rise: The urge becomes more intense. This may happen gradually or very suddenly.
Peak: The urge reaches its most intense point. It may feel as if the urge will never go away.
Fall: The urge loses intensity and eventually fades away.
How to Practice Urge Surfing.
1. Acknowledge that you are having an urge.
2. Notice your thoughts and feelings without trying to change or suppress them. Note: It is normal to feel some discomfort during an urge.
It is okay to have urges. They are natural reactions to addictions and habits.
Some discomfort is okay. I don't have to change it.
An urge is a feeling, not a "must." I can have this feeling and choose not to act.
An urge is temporary. Like any other feeling, it will pass on its own.
Managing Triggers. Use coping skills to reduce the power of triggers. Know your triggers ahead of time, and have a strategy or skill prepared for each one. Examples: deep breathing if stressed, eating if hungry, leaving a location if it is high risk.
Delay & Distraction. Do something to take your mind off the urge. Every minute you delay increases the chance of the urge weakening on its own. Examples: go for a walk, listen to music, call a friend, read a book, practice a hobby.
Copyright 2021 Therapist Aid LLC.
Provided by TherapistAid.com.
End Image Transcription.]
Sorry for the MASSIVE infodump here, I hope some of this could be helpful to you!
