syszie

prof dx DID system, 7 frequent fronters, host denial is strong in this corner. sharing things we feel represent our experience as a system and little insights we gather through starting therapy. pronounced system "Zee" (like how some people say the letter "Z") f in chat

[leathersys]

missing

[leathersys]

on having a "collective consciousness"

[system-zie]

On being 'okay' and people saying they're concerned

We're annoyed. We've just found out that some people in our life are telling/talking to other people asking "how are they really doing? are they really okay?"

On the surface, it seems innocent enough, but it's not, and it doesn't feel that way when they don't ask us directly. They ask around us. Further, they never asked or checked in much when we were actively not doing okay and withdrawn from people. Only now that we're getting out of it are people asking, and they're not even asking us. If they've asked us, they're not believing our answer or listening to the conversations we're having where we discuss what's happening in our life.

They're going to other people, it feels malicious, and worse, it feels demanding.

"Are they really okay?" after we've hung out and had a good time and been sharing openly and honestly the things in our life feels like they don't believe that nice parts of life can also exist when someone also has bad and hard times.

Like, yeah, we have DID, that's forever. When the DID is manageable, we still have PTSD!!! We are mentally ill! What does okay look like then? dealing with trauma responses, dealing with triggers, flashbacks, panic attacks, night terrors, whenever they come up, because they do. They come up and will come up because we are traumatized!

So, when we're starting to crawl out of the processing pit we've gone into the first half of this year and are learning to be in a different way, it feels weird that people are seriously concerned about you [name].

Really? They haven't expressed that concern directly to me?

Part of it is having an issue with people talking about us to other people. That is just a little annoying, but it doesn't make me mad. What makes me mad is the refusal to listen, accept, and believe when we say we are doing okay. Wanting to dig into my psyche, wanting to list and name and understand alters. Asking about triggers, not respecting my space- not respecting my answer. It feels disrespectful.

Our okay is not all positive experiences in life; our okay has never been that, and I don't think it could ever really fully be like that because the things I have been through suck. They suck to remember, even when EMDR took the painful re-living part away. They suck because who does that to a kid, and why? Those are questions that will never have satisfying answers, and that sucks.

It's not like we're plagued by the knowledge of everything that has ever happened; that's conveniently what DID helps out with in a specific way. But as we experience more and more trauma processing and integration (which, integration is not a bad dirty word or experience, guys, integration is not the same thing as fusion, let alone final fusion). But, it's not like I am breathing every breath every moment of every day thinking of everything that has ever happened anymore. Trust, there have been times when that is and has been our experience. The flashbacks are life-stopping and terrifying. But for this moment, we are okay. These people didn't ask or want to be there when we were going through the worst of it, on a long-term scale, nor even just two months ago.

We want to scream at them!! How strange they're concerned now that we are doing better. When we were struggling the worst no one was concerned, no one cared to be there or ask around. There is something terribly wrong with that. Now we are okay, now they are prying.

By the way, this post and situation officially mark the first time we have been able to sustain anger for ourselves. We used to vaguely feel irritation or something adjacent to anger, and then only for under 5 minutes. This has been happening now for around 5 hours! It's good.

[trinket-sys]

“Not as far as I can remember” is my favorite phrase to use as a system because I can’t remember. Idk what you’re talking about but I’m gonna try and sound like I do

[shihkas]

parts do not need names

the idea that all parts need names to be considered "fully elaborate parts" is a dated one, and one that I frequently see individuals much earlier on in their recovery perpetuating.

if your parts have their own names, that's great. if you named your parts and your parts are comfortable with that, that's also great. plenty of people, however, do not have parts with names, or only some of their parts have names. this does not have to do with whether or not that part is "elaborated enough" to be a part -- a name does not make up an entire identity, it is only one facet of an identity.

please be respectful if you see someone referring to their parts with functional labels (e.g. "the one who does x/y/z"). it is not inherently "dehumanizing" as I've seen some people suggest. perhaps someday that part will have a name, or perhaps a name is not needed as part of their recovery, and that should be respected.

[the-indigo-symphony]

Us, after doing things that cause us to dissociate and feel like shit: wow I wonder why I'm dissociating and feel like shit

[clever-and-unique-name]

Alters who experience chronically poor circulation and temperature regulation, call that a cold front.

[me-and-my-mes-and-my-mes-and-my]

"What's it like to have DID?" CONFUSING AND ANNOYING BECAUSE IT'S SO CONFUSING

[daysdawn]

common system feelings:

I don’t know who I am

I don’t ever want to be alone again

It scares me that I’m never actually alone

I’m feeling bad and that means I’m always going to feel bad

I’ve never felt bad or angry or sad in my entire life

There’s a memory here but I don’t have the feeling

I feel something but I don’t know why

I want to be seen and heard

There’s nothing that scares me more than being perceived

[bebsi-cola]

it's really interesting that some people live in a world where "therapy" isn't a whole host of various treatments with either positive or negative outcomes and which often doesn't work or requires significant outside support to make any meaningful difference, but instead a sort of magical amulet against being mentally ill that works automatically just by going there

[system-zie]

God i wish none of the things that happened to me, happened to me. At the same time, I find it hard that what happened to me was Bad and caused me to be WE, at the same time, some of us think what happened to us wasn't "bad enough". Fuck. I'm tired.

[anxeious]

[changelingcoded]

keep getting glimpses into an alternate timeline where plurality is more normalized and you can buy shitty tshirts and mugs about it

[blixandco]

Like this?

[catgirldragon]

[fruitorchardsystem]

Nah I don’t have memory issues I remember my childhood pretty well.yeah everything I remember has been recorded or told to me and anything outside of that I don’t remember unless it was bad but like that’s fine

[only-knives]

"well everyone has trauma" correct and yet

you fail to recognize not everyone has trauma that impacts their ability to perform activities of daily living - even right down to basic things like eating. and not everyone has trauma dominate their entire life, with no escape: not even escape from within their own mind.

we can recognize that we live in a society that has doled out trauma to most people without punching down on the most vulnerable by telling them they should be able to do x, y, z (ex: work, make friends, get sober, have hobbies, cook, etc) "like everyone else."

you are not the standard. no one is the standard. we are all unique people in our own right and society has failed us all. we gain nothing by shaming anyone.

[thrivingwhilemultiple]

At times, recovering feels even harder than survival. during the surviving, fractions were lived one at a time, while in the remembering, I am both who I was then and who I am now, and sometimes, everybody else in between.

Now, I am the child living through it, and I am the adult who knows better — an adult who could never do the unthinkable. And reliving it in all these simultaneous viewpoints is a heartbreak I can barely describe. It rips apart a soul in ways I wish I didn’t know.

[unspokengrief]

i guess. journal entry