LATE EATING DISORDER AWARNESS WEEK
” You can never be size 32”
” She is the fattest kid in this class.”
“Have you though using fat-free products.”
“You should eat less chocolate.”
“Your legs and arms are so big, you look like a dude.”
“If I would have so wide legs as yours, I would kill myself.”
I was 11 years old, and medically, I was in normal weight. Still I hear all these comments from school nurse, from classmates, friends, some of these even from my mom. My grandpa died when I was 10 years old. I was very sad ack then and ate for my sorrow. I was always bit chubby as a kid. I got bullied a lot turning whole primary school ‘cause I may have been bit chubby and different. I was very smart kid. Also I didn’t belong in the same Christian order as most of the ppl in my school.
I got called names, punched, kicked, pushed and left out. People spared mean rumours about me too. Teachers couldn’t make kids stop. Even some teachers bullied me for different reasons. When I was 11-years-old I suffered from anxiety attacks nearly every day, but I hided them well. I had only few friends and they got bullied too.
When I was 12 I started slowly losing weight. I thought maybe ppl wouldn’t bully me if I were skinnier. People were encouraging me to do so. I started running and working out. I ate healthier. Sounds good, right? Now I know that kids shouldn’t be worried about their weight.
I got so happy when I lost weight. First, I thought I would lose only 5kg. But when I was done…It wasn’t enough. 5kg turned to be 10kg. That turned to be 15kg and so on. At the 7th grade I started to starve myself. I lost weight faster. I ate only apples and nuts. I worked out in shower, turning breaks in the school bathroom. I went running every day. I worked out every day. Finally, at the summer 2014 I hit my goal. I was finally underweight. Even before that my friends and parents were super worried. I fainted sometimes when I was running, my periods didn’t come regularly anymore. I still though I was fat even my ribbons were showing and my waist was smaller than ever. I was also pretty short so some of the size 32 clothes (same as US size 0) started to be too lose for me.
I used laxatives or over dosed vitamins that has the same effect. I forced myself to defecate. I got weaker. My mom told me she will take me to the hospital if I wouldn’t stop losing weight. I tried to eat. I really did. But at first even a sandwich made me throw up. My body didn’t want me to eat. For every bite my mind was screaming “YOU ARE SOOO FAT YOU WILL GAIN WEIGHT YOU END UP WEIGHTING LIKE 200KG IF YOU EAT THAT PIECE OF BREAD!!” sound ridiculous but I was afraid of that the most. If I didn’t know how much I weighted or how many calories I had eaten I had a panic attack. I started to lose my hair bc of my diet.
In 9th grade I went to see psychology. I had already started to recover c I had notice some ed symptoms in my little sister. I stopped weighting myself about six months from now. Not knowing how much I weight still makes me anxious. Anyway I have been recovering 2 years from now. Yup I skipped most of the end bc It’s just me struggling like I still too. Urge not to eat some days is so huge.
Last time I weighted myself I was 10kg heavier than I was at my lowest weight. I am in normal weight now. I have energy to do sport and other things that I love. I found some awesome friends and the loveliest boy in a world that I’ve been dating for a long time. Music, friends, family and internet have got me trought some tough times. Also bit professional help was needed thou I got it after I started to recover.
This wasn’t full of gross and deep confessions about my eating disorder bc this is my first time doing this and I just needed to get this all out fast. I have been living in shame for too long. Now I am brave enough to say this: I have had an eating disorder, many people in my life don’t know about it. I am still fighting. I will probably e fighting a long long time bc some part of me died for this disorder and will always want to stop eating and make me sicker. But I am stronger than that. I am ed survivor. And I was sick enough to call myself that.
To everyone if you feel like it you are sick enough to get help, you are sick enough to have eating disorder no matter are you underweight, overweight or in normal weight. You are sick enough to have help if you feel like you need it.
This is bit late and first time I’m doing something like that. I know ed awareness week was last week but it was very rough week for me mentally so I didn’t have time or spirit to write about this.
ALSO I wanna thank my friend irl and online and my family who have helped me trough it all. Thank you <3 Pics has captions. Thou the change in my mind was bigger than physical changes..
And everyone else who is or has been suffering from any kind of ed, stay strong! I promisestay strong it get easier.
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