♪♫ ♪
lee taemin. 26. kt's north star (140520)
leader of nsg
"strong faith has been the motivation of energy that keeps me going. as my effort for the dreams has made me who i am today, i will continue to strive for higher goals with faith." ♡
it’s hard to figure out where to start with this. i think first, i want to thank the mods for everything. for those of you that are newer here, i was actually a mod for rookies starting november 2014, and i just stepped down this april. it’s a strange position to be in, as someone that ran the rp but is a member now; not to sound like an emo 14 year old, but i think i have feelings that no one else will feel, and they’re hard to explain.
it’s nothing negative, though. i said on twitter that it’s more like melancholy to see rookies go. more than anything, i have an overwhelming feeling of gratitude, because i kind of owe rookies my life, maybe literally. i’ve been here since the first month rookies opened, and i always wondered whether i’d prefer being here when rk closes or i’d rather leave and see it outlive me. this ending hurts in its own way, but there’s something satisfying in seeing it come to life and meet its end, too. it’s been an absolute honor and privilege to see how rookies grew over the years, and to run it for you for four of those years (since i was only effective admin starting in 2016.) i’ve made friends here that i intend to keep for years to come, i’ve seen some of you grow up, i’ve grown up, both literally and as a person, so thank you, thank you, thank you everyone so much for making rookies what it was. even when i’m old and gray i’m sure rookies will be something that i never forget, and memories that i treasure.
it wouldn’t be me if it wasn’t an unnecessarily, absurdly long post, so let me detail you my personal journey i went through while in rookies. i want everyone to know the impact this place and all of the people in it had on me ❤️
[ tw: mental and physical health issues + lots of detail on the mental stuff ]
some of you know this story. i feel like i tell it every year that i make easter voice messages (which i’ll miss doing more than anything, btw.) i joined rookies a couple days before christmas in 2013. i now know that i have chronic lyme disease and bipolar disorder, but back then, i didn’t know anything. i just knew i was too sick to go to public school, was in online classes, and those weren’t going too swell either. i was having pretty bad manic episodes that i didn’t know were manic episodes...it was not a fun time. i actually got so overwhelmed by rookies that i almost left after two weeks in it, isn’t that wild to think about?
to this day i still don’t remember why i stayed, but in the end i chock it up to god’s will, honestly. i fully believe i was meant to be in rookies. it may be just a roleplay, but rookies was more than that for me, and i think that’s the case for a lot of us.
i made so many friends my first year in rookies, and then i applied to be a mod. i got selected, and then about a month later i finally got some answers regarding my health after an entire life of unaddressed health problems. chronic lyme disease!! i went on my first hiatus in the rp to go to washington dc and see one of the only lyme specialists in the country. i received such an outpouring of support.
then came all of the treatment, where the motto was “it gets worse before it gets better.” i remember reading something from a lady that was a cancer survivor and a “lyme survivor” that said cancer treatment was easier for her than her lyme treatment. i would always remember that on the really bad days, and i still remind myself of that today when i feel like i haven’t accomplished much in my life.
in the end, maybe a roleplay isn’t a significant thing to accomplish. then i think about the positive impact rk had on people over the four years i ran it and i think differently. i’m determined to accomplish things greater than keeping rk running for the four years i did, but it’ll be my crowning achievement for now, and it’s something i’m really proud of. i like to think i made a positive impact on a lot of people here, and that i’m leaving the members of rookies off better than when i found them.
my story continues, however, with perhaps the climax-- (just kidding, there are two.) 2018 was a wild year for me. my mental health kicked off with a bang and i had my SECOND biggest manic episode of my life in february. psychosis!! panic attacks!! fun stuff. i survived that, only to have my biggest one in april. a total mental breakdown. publicly! some of y’all saw it and to this day it’s like thinking about that one embarrassing thing you did back in middle school except worse, because it was recent, and i did a lot of embarrassing things. i ended up hospitalized for a week. i wish i saved all of the kind messages i got during that time, when i wasn’t completely doped up on antipsychotics, so that i could remember them, but it meant and still does mean so much to me. nobody thought i was crazy, nobody wanted to quit being my friend-- i received the same love as i always got from rookies when i needed it the most and thought i deserved it the least.
[ end tw ]
then comes that fateful time at the end of last year. i could be like “when it all fell apart” but really, it didn’t, i believe 100% that everything that happened was for the best. y’all that were here know what i’m talking about. it was a really, really difficult time, and it made me start thinking seriously about leaving the team, though to be honest, i was starting to get the feeling it was time for me to go a while before that. it was just the final push i needed. at first, i went on my mod hiatus because i was afraid i wasn’t a good mod. i thought rookies needed better from me, and better than me, but after some reflection, i decided that ultimately, i didn’t do too bad. i was never a perfect mod; there are things i could’ve done better in literally every situation i handled, but i think in the end, i did as well as anyone else could’ve.
i thought a lot about what my legacy as a mod would be upon me leaving, and i thought it was nothing. i didn’t think i had much of anything to my name, but then i started piling it up. the strike system, kicking the first person out of rookies, then the songwriting portion of the idol shop. i decided i did do things that would leave a lasting impact on rookies, and when i stepped down, i was satisfied, and i was relieved.
i’m really glad i did step down, and that i got to be just a member of rookies for these past few months. i can’t imagine the difficulty of this decision for the mods, and i’m honestly glad i wasn’t a part of it HAHA because i know i would’ve hung on for too long. i know that if the mods came to this point, it’s absolutely what needs to happen, because they love rookies so much. they have done so much. so much work goes into all of this, and i hope if you ever doubted it, looking at all the plans bianca had for group debuts helps you see it a little more clearly. between that, documenting scandal material, and documenting every SHRED of drama that happened ooc in order to create the most harmonious environment we could, it was a lot. i understand this choice 100%, and honestly, we considered closing it (albeit not too seriously) even while i was still on the team. it was so rewarding, but also so draining for something we did for free and out of the love of it.
by the time i post this the mods might have posted their messages, or maybe they haven’t, but i’m so proud of them, and i feel so relieved for them. i already messaged bianca privately, but i want to publicly say thank you so much. it wasn’t too long ago that i wrote all of my messages to you when i left and i still feel the same way 100%, but it’s always worth saying again. running rk with you was the greatest honor of my life so far, and i love you so much. i hope we can keep in touch even after this, and even if we don’t, please know you will all have such a special place in my heart. i would not have chosen to go through the whole ass Experience running rk was with anyone else. i will always believe rk was blessed with the best staff team in krp history.
i hope everyone can understand the mods’ choice. i’m sure everyone feels a lot of different emotions right now, and if you don’t understand, that’s okay too. i hope you’ll be able to forgive them one day if you’re angry, and that we can all make peace with the end of rookies soon.
as for my muses:
DANIELXRK:
he has two potential futures here; one where he stays in sphere and debuts in that rkday6 group, and one where he waits for sungwoon to return from war (see: military service), leaves sphere, and gets the members of his old band back together again to #rebootemptyenigma. either way, both are good endings. he was the muse i was worried about the most when rookies closed, but i’m really happy for him now. maybe as time goes on what he decided to do will solidify! or maybe we’ll just be happy with these two endings. i think he deserves them.
RKASHE:
she saw through her contract with luxe until the end, if she didn’t renew her contract to stay with luxe for more years after that. since we are no longer bound by the idol shop, she slowly started racking up more and more album credits until she eventually had a hand in producing and writing every track on luxe’s albums. she and @rkjinwook became a legendary songwriting duo and then eventually...idk...fell in love and got married? who knows !
TAEMINRK:
taemin’s future was always the clearest. he promised to marry @rkceline in ten years back in 2014, so by the time 2024 came around he would’ve petitioned kt to let him do it. we’ll say for the sake of happy endings that they did, and he would’ve continued with nsg even as a married man as long as the other members wanted to continue, determined to be the best leader he could be for them until the end. (he also started choreographing more and more of their dances, until eventually he became known for it in the industry and was able to choreograph for other groups, too!)
i don’t know where to end this, either. there’s part of me that doesn’t want to, because once this post is out in the world it’ll really solidify that it’s all over, and there is still something hard about that. for better or worse, rookies has been THE love of my life so far, and if i’m being honest i don’t really know what i’ll do without it. i think the answer is a lot, though. i think outside of rookies, we’ll be able to accomplish more than we ever thought we could, and we may find that rookies closing was what was best for us too. i hope so.
i love you all so much!! thank you so much. i’ll miss seeing your characters on dash and watching them grow; i’ve loved seeing the way our rk verterans’ characters have developed over the years, and seeing them achieve their dreams. more than anything, i’m thankful for the people i met here and the friendships i made that will last well beyond rookies. if anyone wants to keep in touch, i’ll still be @kangdcorn on twitter for halloween, and @hyeongjunsang any other time. feel free to talk to me whenever you’d like, no matter who you are 💕
i’m sure i could keep talking forever about how much rookies means to me and how much i love it and everyone that ever set foot here, but as is more clear today than ever, all things must come to an end, as must this message.
i’m sure we’ll all meet in an rp again soon!! in the meantime, i love you, and i love rookies, with my whole heart, always.
it’s awkward. that’s all taemin really knows. maybe there’s some acrimony on jeongguk’s end. taemin can feel some sort of animosity, but he doesn’t know why. he remembers, back when the project group that would eventually become nsg began, jeongguk asking him to take care of johnny. taemin was confused then too, because doesn’t he always? maybe he doesn’t do a good job of it, but he tries to take care of everyone well. it’s important to him. it felt like something went unsaid then.
taemin doesn’t really have any problems with jeongguk, aside from this confusion and a little bit of growing tension-- fear that jeongguk will let it get in the way of nsg’s teamwork, because it is just jeongguk with these feelings, right? taemin tries to analyze it for himself, but even as he searches his own heart, all he comes up with is frustration that this is happening again-- fear that, because he’s had issues with so many members, he really is a bad leader. shouldn’t he get along well with everyone? shouldn’t they all feel comfortable with him? where did he go wrong, to have one member with an apparent grudge against him that he doesn’t understand, and a cooling rivalry with another?
maybe jongdae really would’ve been a better leader-- maybe namjoon too. they’re all closer to the others, after all, and it seems like even aron is fonder of them sometimes.
with jeongguk’s addition, and sungho and jimin’s departures still fresh, taemin feels like more of a failure than ever.
he wants to fix it. he spends a few days mulling over how to approach the situation in his head, leaving the air thick with its discomfort, hoping it doesn’t spread too much to the others.
in the end, that’s why he decides to speak to jeongguk. if it were just impacting him, he could ignore it, but this is about nsg, not himself. it will always be about nsg, and taemin fighting to be the person they need, even if it’s unnatural, even if it’s uncomfortable. he wants them to succeed. he wants them all to love nsg, and maybe to even love one another, one day.
he is just as afraid they’ll never reach that as he is optimistic that they will.
it’s when he and jeongguk are alone in their shared room that taemin sees his opportunity. he decides to seize it before they’re apart again, trying to avoid each other like they have thus far.
“jeongguk-ssi,” he begins, and he sees no reason to beat around the bush with pleasantries before the question that really matters. they both know there’s a problem. best to deal with it as quickly as possible. “do you have a problem with me?” the words could be accusatory, but taemin’s voice isn’t-- calm and neutral, maybe even curious.
⟨ ˟ ▸▸ TEXT CHAT ⁝ sataem!!!! ⟩
‧ ‧ ‧ ➤ hey u old egg fart u finally debuted
‧ ‧ ‧ ➤ good for u 🎉🎉🥳
‧ ‧ ‧➤ i’m looking forward 2 u bowing 2 me and calling me sunbae
‧ ‧ ‧ ➤ forget u MY TIME IS NOW 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁
[text to harbinger of chaos:] i don’t even have a witty comeback to this
[text to harbinger of chaos:] think debuting broke my brain, maybe i’m going senile. bad timing ㅋㅋ
[text to harbinger of chaos:] thank you blue sunbaenim~~ i look forward to beating eclipse on the charts one day~~
[/txt - Taemin] Congratulations to your hot debut, Taemin-sunbaenim!
[text to gray:] ah!! thank you gray-ssi ^^
[text to gray:] it would be nice if you could’ve debuted with us [deleted!]
[text to gray:] i’ll try to represent kt and take care of the others well
[text to gray:] i hope you’re doing well too
taemin is skeptical. maybe skeptical isn't the right word. he has reservations. he's nervous. he wants so badly to believe in every depth of his heart that he will debut when kt says he will, but they already did it once. who's to stop kt from taking it away once again? maybe taemin will only really believe it when he stands on his debut stage as nsg's taemin, officially, no more waiting, no more uncertainty.
until then, he doesn't let himself get too excited. he doesn't get his hopes up. well, maybe he does a little. there's something intrinsicly exciting about it, even when he gets his hair touched up, a much needed bleaching and redying of his hair, back to a blue that's simultaneously vibrant and subtle all at once.
taemin has had a variety of hair colors over the years, all with some meaning and associations attached, and maybe the blue is the most important of all. he hopes it really is tied to a new beginning, and not an end before he even truly starts. maybe the color-- that subtle vibrance --encompasses what he should be in nsg. maybe taemin is already like that without trying-- maybe nsg's debut will bring out more vitality after years of training wearing on his soul, aging him beyond his years.
the teaser pictures and mv recording is just more of the same, and he wonders if the original nsg u members are as unsettled by it as he is. he doesn't let it show, though maybe it contributes even more to the mood necessary for the 7th sense: the brooding mystery, the smoothness, the undercurrent of ferocity. he dedicates himself to making it all look natural though, likely one of the greatest challenges of his career.
he hopes johnny, namjoon and jongdae are excited about it, though. he hopes all of their predebut struggles don't taint this, even with the losses of jimin and sungho, all too recent, wounds feeling all too raw. he wants them to find happiness here-- for all of them to --and he doesn't know how to ensure that, or if he even can. he feels like, as leader, he should be able to, but maybe it's easier to accept responsibility that isn't his to bear than it is to accept there's so little he has control over.
their debut approaches, and instead of excitement, taemin feels anxiety. for once, it's not anxiety over whether they'll do well, or maybe that just sits on the backburner among all of the larger worries. their practices have been successful. he thinks the bonding of the previous month has transferred to their preparations. he can see it in a little more synchronization, and in less tension, both between the members and in their moments. there's a little more comfort between them, and at least that much comes as a relief. if they make it to their debut this time, and are allowed the privilege of living out a life in nsg, he has faith that they'll only grow closer and stronger as a team. maybe all of their predebut struggles will even make them closer than other groups, bonded together by shared pain and strife.
he hopes so. he wants it to all be good for something. taemin, in the end, didn't resent their debut date being pushed back. he didn't think they were ready. their readiness increases more every passing day as they approach their debut, as does taemin's confidence that they can succeed.
it's when the individual teasers start releasing that taemin actually believes it's happening. if kt had more problems with their debut, surely they would've told them already, right? surely they didn't resume preparations without being sure.
he's going to debut. he feels like he can breathe for the first time in months. with that new tentative certainty, there's room for other anxieties. will the others be happy? are they ready? he tries to encourage them. he wants to be the leader nsg needs, even if it's not the leader taemin thinks he should be-- even if they need different than what comes naturally for him. he tries to show himself mercy, and reminds himself that his own skills will improve over time, his leadership being the most important one.
the day of their debut comes, and taemin feels both restless and calm at once. it's more excitement than nerves that make it uncharacteristically hard to sit still and hard to wait. the time seems to go by so slowly, and he worries that he'll be consumed by anxiety by the time they're ready to set foot on stage.
he isn't. by the time he sets foot on stage, he's consumed by the moment, overwhelmed by what an honor it is. it's an honor to finally stand on a debut stage, to represent kt entertainment, to be with the members he is, to be nsg, let alone their leader and main dancer. he tries to soak it in: the cheers, the spotlights, the way their debut song pumps through the speakers. there's the first real sprout of nerves right before he sings his first line, but it passes without failure, and any remnants of fear dissipate.
it leaves joy. he wants to linger on stage. he wants to take it all in to ensure he never forgets. he wants to tattoo it on his heart, to memorize it, to lock it away somewhere safe in his mind to pull out whenever he needs a happy memory to reflect on. surely it will be there. surely he can have faith he'll remember, even if this emotion fades.
when he stands on the ending stage of their first music show, after the winner is announced, he's practically tackled by a hug. it turns out to be seonho, and taemin grins. he's a face he hasn't seen in too long, and new happiness surges through him at the thought that he'll be able to meet friends he's gone too long without like this-- even if they're his sunbaes, even if he's years older than him. taemin wraps an arm around seonho's shoulders briefly as he rattles off words, promises of giving him advice if he needs it, congratulations and more.
they're all off the stage too soon, but taemin reminds himself nsg has a whole month of this in their future. he hopes they have years of it in their future, too.
“Have you ever been in a broadcast studio building before, hyung?” Johnny says. The honorific choice feels like so many levels of weird, but it would definitely sound much weirder to the outsiders if Johnny had used sunbae. He’s sure Taemin would realize that too. Besides, Johnny has to get used to calling him hyung. They share a freaking bedroom, for the love of all that’s good and holy. It’s time for them to get comfortable with each other.
“I just hope the seniors don’t think we’re rude for coming in empty-handed,” Johnny says, his laugh sounding a bit more forced and a lot more scared this time. This is completely new territory for him. Johnny has always gone into every single thing in his life with a gift for a teacher or a senior, so this feels rather odd to him. He’s not sure whether the seniors will be more understanding or if they’ll be throwing shade at NSG for something that isn’t their fault. “Off-topic, hyung,” Johnny says with a smirk. “Which senior artist are you looking forward to meeting the most?”
making conversation to distract themselves is probably a good move, and johnny provides, for which taemin is grateful. sometimes he isn't the best at driving a conversation. (he doesn't even notice johnny calling him hyung. it feels normal, without any need for questioning or doubt. it's well overdue.)
"i have. i danced on the gayo daejuns before. it was a lot different than this. it was a bigger stage, but with less eyes on me. it feels a little strange," he admits with a chuckle. "nsg is a different experience entirely." it's a good one, though.
he can hear the hollowness to johnny's laugh, and taemin smiles, his own warm and sincere, albeit soft. "we'll be okay. i'm sure we'll have something to bring them next time, and they'll forgive us if they think badly of us for it. i really think they'll understand, though." he convinces himself of it, too. there are worse things in the world than being disliked by a senior group for something so ridiculous, aren't there? yes, of course. he can think of countless worse things, but preferably he'll avoid doing that, and instead focus on the honor it is to represent nsg at all.
he's happy enough for another change of subject, and hums aloud in thought. there are so many kids younger than him that debuted before him-- so many friends too. "i think it would be nice to meet luxe." he just barely knows naeun, but he wants to meet the girls his girlfriend debuted with. the ones that stayed, anyway. "of course, myname sunbaenims too, if i ever have the opportunity. what about you?"
A naïve little part of Hyunjin had always thought that by now he would have gotten over this. (A smarter, more aware and conscious part of Hyunjin has always known that this was never going to go away without help). He’s sat in the corner of the waiting room, shoulder pressed up against the wall with his earbuds shoved into his ears and turned up one tick away from their highest volume. His hands fidget with one another, right thumb pressing into the palm of his other hand in an attempt to tamp down the subtle waves of anxiety that seek to squeeze their way down from his mind and into his physicality.
The anxiousness hasn’t reached his stomach yet, hasn’t reached the level of dread that makes him want to hide under his bed covers and never come out. But the notion that it could reach that level only spurs his stress even further. He just wishes he could fix himself.
Under most situations he would have gotten up and left the room by now, moved himself somewhere else where he could escape his mind and dance. However, they were meant to stay in the waiting room. Meant to wait and be on call for the music show production team to summon whenever necessary, and Hyunjin wasn’t familiar enough with the routine to know whether abrupt summons were a common occurrence that truly required his constant presence. So instead he stays in his corner, eyes flitting about the room as he stays with his own anxious-ridden thoughts and attempts to combat them with grounding affirmations Hyunjin wasn’t quite sure he truly believed in himself.
He meets Taemin’s eyes by coincidence, offering him Hyunjin’s best attempt at a smile and nod of his head, hands still busy with one another and ears preoccupied by his own blaring music. If the anxiety wasn’t going to go away, Hyunjin would have to develop his own method to hide it in situations like this.
he expected to be more nervous. he felt so strangely calm before their debut stage when surely his anxiety should've been at his height. somehow, razor sharp focus shut down all of taemin's persistent insecurities. now, it's similar, at least in this exact moment. there's only a little turbulence, just a moment every now and again of rising fear before it levels back out into excitement to stand on stage again. there's still part of him desperate for it, like he still can't believe he's here, like he doesn't want to squander a moment in case, somehow, it's all taken away.
maybe he feels at peace because he read the comments online, for better or worse. there were some harsh ones, but enough positive that taemin could let go of his worry that they would be totally incompetent even after all of this struggles and hard work. they made it this far. their first performances went well, so what is there left to fear now? even if they make mistakes, so long as they recover professionally, it'll be forgivable.
(surely his therapist would be proud of him for not getting caught in a cycle of anxiety, but he doesn't dwell on that thought for long, because ironically, the thought of therapy and how to go about getting it as an idol is one of his greatest sources of anxiety.)
he surveys the room, accounting for all of his members, in search of anyone that looks lost and might need some reeling back in, and his eyes settle on hyunjin. maybe it's taemin's imagination, but there might be something tight in his smile. nerves, probably, completely natural. still, taemin stands up and makes his way across the waiting room to sit beside him, and briefly places a hand on his back in a gesture that he hopes is comforting, even if only a little.
he should've thought about what to say before he came over. does hyunjin need words of encouragement? a distraction? company and company alone? he could mention one of the comments he read the other day from a new fan about hyunjin, but he doesn't want their youngest to get in the habit of checking them as much as taemin does, knowing the toll it can take on someone's mentality. he could offer some sage, unsolicited advice, or he could--
well. maybe he's more nervous than he thought.
"i keep thinking..." he starts, a little absentmindedly, staring down at his feet for a moment. "how will all of this feel next year, and the year after that?" maybe it's a lot to assume they'll have that much time, after all of the trouble the group went through. maybe because of it all, he's more justified in thinking so. maybe they were the readiest a group has ever been to debut. it's not like taemin would know any different. "i hope we never take it for granted." he looks back to hyunjin with a smile. "either way, we'll have lots of chances to dance together on stage, and i'm glad."
after a quick look at himself on how he’d show up in the video, he angled the camera, still front facing, and pressed the record button. his voice wasn’t as big or confident while talking by himself, still needing to get over that hurdle of having a monologue and spilling his thoughts on the matter. but he had gotten more comfortable at when he turned the attention to his background as he scanned around and looked for the first person to head towards. “our leader, taeminie-hyung~.” he walked closer to him, big grin back on his face as he occupied the space next to him and adjusted him into the frame. “woo! we did it!! we completed our first performance!”
[ @taeminrk ]
he feels...heavy. it's not a bad heaviness, though. it's poignant more than anything, the weight of their first stage in every step he takes now, music playing on repeat in his head, a cheering crowd still roaring in his ears, the spotlights emblazoned on the back of his eyelids. he hopes he never forgets it, and never forgets this feeling. it's surreal, and part of him can't believe it. that was it. six years for that moment, and every moment from here on out, and it makes him smile to himself as everyone recovers from the high of performing, and all the buzzing adrenaline fades into subtle exhaustion and relief that they survived-- they made it. they were officially kt's rookie boy group, nsg.
taemin is an idol. he can finally say it after more than six years.
strangely, part of it feels empty. part of him thinks is that all? it's not disappointment, just bewilderment, that so much of his life led up to a moment gone in a flash. there's a little sadness too-- that it's over, that he will never feel exactly like that ever again, and he already misses the stage. luckily, there are many more stages in his near future, and he can't wait to fall back into the familiar music of the 7th sense once again, over and over for as long as nsg exists.
what sticks with him the most is that they made it. even with all of the obstacles, they made it. he can finally breathe, and finally release the worries that he carried with him for years that he would never stand on stage as an idol at all. he did it. they all did.
he knows he should check on the others. this is a moment they should all share together, but part of him doesn't feel ready yet, still submerged in the experience and this all-encompassing, nearly unbelievable new reality.
jongdae finds him first and shakes him out of his thoughts, and taemin smiles at the sight of him, even if it's a little heavy. (it's not a bad heaviness-- poignant more than anything.)
his eyes lock onto the camera. “taeminie hyung? do you know me well enough to call me that?” he replies, raised eyebrow, but he breaks into a smile and a laugh soon after, evidence that he’s joking. "we did it," he repeats, voice quieter, almost like he can't believe it. it's still with a smile though, and a slow nod of his head. "you're officially nsg's addae." his smile only widens.
taemin is eerily calm, considering nearly a quarter of his life has led up to this moment. he tries not to let his thoughts wander. he tries to stay focused. no thoughts of are we really ready or will the dance be clean enough or what if someone makes a mistake? no, they're ready. taemin witnessed the improvement of all of the members with his own eyes. sure, there's always room for them to grow, and maybe the fact that they lack at all makes taemin nervous, but they're debuting. they're really debuting, and maybe, if taemin is lucky, they'll have all the time in the world to improve and get stronger as a group.
he doesn't think of all that could go wrong after this. he doesn't think about all of their predebut mishaps only being a sign of things to come, and the possibility that the group will get dissolved before they all fulfill their contracts until the end. they're worries for a taemin of another time, when they aren't being ushered out of their waiting room toward the stage, waiting, waiting to set foot on it. he can hear an audience cheering. an audience. he can feel the bass pumping through his feet and he is so eager. he is so eager for the public to finally know him as lee taemin, leader of nsg.
there's no time for worries. instead, there's namjoon in front of him, and this: i want all of us to do well. you too. i want you to be able to stand on nsg’s debut stage happy.
the question is, is namjoon happy? in a moment like this, their speckled past doesn't matter. their squabbles are irrelevant, because they're nsg, and they're in this together. even with all of taemin's past reservations, namjoon proved his work ethic, and even after everything, he's still here. he has that much dedication to nsg, and after everything, how could taemin doubt that?
he puts a light hand on namjoon's shoulder, and smiles softly at him. "ready?" he asks.
it's funny. years ago, when taemin's closest friends left kt, he feared his debut stage feeling lonely. he was afraid all he would feel was absence-- that all he could think of would be the people that didn't make it to stand beside him. yes, they're still in his memory, but it's different standing here now, one step away from the realization of his dreams. it's the realization of theirs, too, even if they're old dreams; it's knowing everyone that matters will watch this stage and message him to congratulate him, and while there will always be some nostalgia, now, there is nsg. this is the team the universe brought him to, and in this moment, he thinks he will stand on their debut stage happily.
“i think maybe i have no idea what i’m doing,” he declares obviously, once he’s chewed through the cumbersome mouthful, busying himself by twisting off the lid of his gatorade, “here, i mean. in ballet world, i fit in, i make sense. here…i don’t know. what do you think?”
then, he remembers the first thing he noticed about taemin when he spotted him from across the room: his demeanor, or his mood, whatever it is that could manifest itself as a comical gray cloud over his head at any moment if ian squinted hard enough.
“is everything okay?”
nsg is down two members. it's not just that, but it's two friends, two of taemin's closest in the group at that. there is no telling when they'll debut, or if everyone will drop one by one, leaving taemin as the last one standing in the ruins of a group he trained nearly a fourth of his life for. he likes to think the rest will stay-- that eventually they'll make it --but he knows better than to hope too much, especially after the past few months.
there's still a large part of him that wonders if he's just a bad leader. shouldn't he have better prepared them? if they did as well as they could have, should have, would their title track need to go back for more production? is that really the reason? is that just what they told them instead of saying they're not good enough? was there some way to keep sphere from stealing jimin away, or kt from giving him up? what could he have done?
maybe it's easier to blame himself than to accept that he has no power here at all. in the end, his fate is in kt's hands, and they are hands he's never had reason to doubt until now. it's a startling realization, that maybe he was wrong in wanting to listen to their every word, and the others were right in trying to convince him to defy them whenever the instructors were particularly harsh. maybe kt doesn't care about them at all. still, kt trusted him with nsg when they assigned him as leader of the group; he will lead them until kt tells him to his face that the group is over, that it was all for naught, that he should finally pack up and go home to a girlfriend he never really wanted to leave waiting on him in the way that he has.
he has a dorm shared with the members that he can eat at now, but for now, it's just a reminder of who's missing. he'd rather just train without interruption, even if sitting by himself in the seocho complex's cafeteria is just a reminder that he's still a normal trainee when he was supposed to debut already.
here ian is, however, exuberant as always, and taemin forces himself to perk up, shakes himself out of his thoughts, and smiles at him, even laughs at his slip up. "it's fine," he assures him, even though it appears ian has no real intention of moving regardless. taemin eats his own rice far more slowly and carefully, and he realizes it now. he looks up at the clock to check how much time is left in their lunch-- how much time he's wasted lost in his thoughts --and relaxes when he realizes there's still plenty of time.
"kt wanted you for a reason," he says easily, and he shrugs. to taemin, it really is that simple. "i think you'll get used to it. it's okay not to know at first. you'll have plenty of time to learn." unless kt wants to add ian to nsg nearly instantly to save taemin from the poor dancing average of his group. that would certainly be something.
"i'm fine," he assures him, lips curling up in a small smile. "preparing to debut is tiring. and difficult, is all." it's not a lie, even if it lacks some important details.
their debut day rapidly approaches, but their training never stops. in fact, maybe they practice even more, always more ways to clean up the 7th sense's choreography even after their music video filming. it'll be different on stage, after all, where they can't have multiple takes when someone messes up, and there won't be a kt-hired director to pick out angles that make them look the best to include in their debut music video.
as seems tradition with nsg now, taemin is nervous. it's not the first time he filmed this song's music video, or got photos taken for teasers, or watched as they were released on kt's official twitter account. it's not just fears of them making a mistake on live television, but moreso that they won't make it at all. he's afraid they'll lose someone else and have to start over-- that kt will review their song or music video or their dance practices and decide none of it is ready yet again.
taemin alternates. some days he has the confidence to believe they're ready, and that all of their hard work will pay off in a stellar performance their fans have been waiting for. sometimes, part of him wonders if they need even more time-- more time to practice the 7th sense's extremely difficult choreography, namely. he just wants them to do well. taemin feels it in his soul; he has never wanted anything more.
it keeps him awake tonight, staring up at the ceiling in a room that used to be shared by three, just him and johnny now. (he's slowly adjusting to the emptiness, and even that makes him a little sad. all of their losses do.)
it's been a dramatic few months-- a dramatic year, and truly, what's more dramatic than actually debuting? he doesn't think it'll stop anytime soon.
he thinks he hears his roommate move in his bed, so taemin decides to do what usually makes him feel better: check on someone else instead of admitting his own worries. "johnny, are you awake?" he asks, voice low, barely above a whisper. "are you doing okay?"
A staff member leads you down KT’s winding hallways to Katie Lee’s office, then opens the door and leads you inside, where the CEO awaits, sitting at her desk. She observes you as you’re instructed by the staff member to take a seat. Next to your chair, is a company lawyer whom you recognize from before; he’d been present when you signed your initial company contract. The staff member then leaves the room. You hear the door close and the latch click back into place just as your CEO finally decides to speak up.
“I’m very glad you are here today because it means you have finally achieved our goal, haven’t you? Trainees come here and sign away their two-year contracts with hope of one day making to where you are right now, but not everybody makes it.” She says it all with a serene smile. “Your years of training are what got you here.”
“You stood out from the others, even if you also had your ups and downs. What’s important is that you managed to get yourself back on your in feet and kept on improving.” She pauses, and diverts her attention to her desk, where she shuffles paperwork until she sets one singular sheet of paper in front of her. “I’ve been proud of your growth here, and I trust you to do your best to continue to improve, even after debut. This, here,” she says, motioning towards the document, “is a contract exclusive to NSG and will tie you to this group, and to KT Entertainment, for the next six years.”
There is no sign of regret on her features as she slides the contract toward you and hands you a pen. “If we share the same vision of making NSG the next boy group of the world, and you wish to be a part of this journey, you know what to do.”
for once, taemin doesn’t think he’s in trouble when one of kt’s staff members takes him out of lessons. he knows where his feet carry him; it’s a walk he’s taken too many times before in his six years under the company. well, that’s a small lie; he doesn’t think kt will kick him out of the company or terminate his contract, but maybe they’ll chide him for being a poor leader. maybe they’ll have further instruction for him to pass along to the others, making him crush their spirits instead of geonwook. (he already does enough of that pushing them in practice every day like he does, even if it’s far gentler now than it used to be.)
the more he thinks about it, the more he works himself into a tizzy, because how does he know they aren’t dropping him? maybe nsg’s debut is scrapped now, and they’re dismissing him from the company due to his age. maybe they’re kicking him out of nsg for one reason or another. maybe they want to transfer him to another company like jimin.
he’s still confused about it. it’ll be the first time he sets in katie lee’s office without complete trust in her.
still, it’s good to see her, and he sits as instructed, practiced in this, already knowing without having to be told. he smiles at her, even if it’s without teeth.
“me too,” he replies. he is glad he finally made it to this last step; he’s so glad it’s an nsg contract and not any bad news. finally, finally, he will be debuting. this contract is a promise of that fact, and of the realization of his hard-fought dreams. yes, his training got him here. six years of hard work every day, some of those years mindless, eyes no longer set on anything. some days, he just trained to train, to have something to do, with little belief he would debut. what else would he do? what else could he do? but he made it. sitting in this chair with katie lee smiling at him proves that. he made it. there’s something a little surreal about it, and some lingering worry of more mishaps clouding this moment for him and the others. he said it to namjoon: he wants them all to stand on nsg’s debut stage happy. maybe the delays will help achieve that in the end. he hopes so.
he pauses for a moment, because six years is a long time. he’ll be in his 30′s then, and it almost makes him shudder, but in the end, there’s no hesitation at all when he signs his name.
he stands, and he bows deeply to katie lee, holding the position for a few seconds before he rights himself. “thank you for trusting me with nsg. i’ll give my all, and i’ll take good care of the members. i promise.” he doesn’t know if he’s ever said anything with more conviction.
OOC NOTE: First of all, congratulations on arriving at the final step before debut! I know it’s been a long and crazy journey, and I’m so glad you’ve stuck through it. When you are ready, feel free to post this prompt with Taemin’s response to it.
Should Taemin choose to SIGN the NSG contract, he will be employed by KT Entertainment without a need to renew a contract until the duration of this one has concluded. As a reward for making it this far, he will receive THREE WEEKENDS unpaid vacation time to use any time between now and the end of December, so long as it doesn’t clash with any special debut activities (such as music show appearances, meaning he can’t actually use her vacation time until after her music show performances have finished.)
Should he choose to REJECT this contract with KT and NSG, he will leave the company, effective immediately upon rejection. He will be able to keep all of his debut points, but will not be able to take any trainee workshops or earn any more debut points/workshop points until he becomes a trainee again. He will not have any special advantage over newer characters when he auditions for other companies in the future, and should he become a trainee at a new company he will be considered a junior trainee all over again, even though he will still have his debut points and would be eligible for debut right away. He WILL have the right to audition for KT again, but the fact that he gave up a contract renewal, especially a debut one, WILL be taken into account in final casting decisions.
He will have up to one week to make his decision IC, meaning that if he does not make a decision by September 19th, he will automatically be cut from the company. Exceptions can be made for those on hiatus.
Johnny has never been in a broadcast company’s building before, so he takes in everything with wide eyes and curious excitement. It almost feels unreal to him that he’s actually in here. He hoeps that the novelty of recording music shows doesn’t fade away soon, because this is where he will be for the next few weeks. He can only thank all the heavenly powers that be that he is done with school by now.
“We don’t exactly have an album to give the senior artists, do we?” Johnny asks Taemin, who happens to be standing next to him. The idea of greeting their seniors is a good one, he supposes. It shows that they’re respectful, while allowing the seniors a chance to see them. It’s just unfortunate that Johnny isn’t sure they have anything to give. “They usually give albums, right? In this case, did the managers tell you if we prepared anything?
it’s all new. taemin performed as a backup dancer on two different gayo jaejuns, so he’s been backstage for large events before. he was part of press conferences for dream high, but all of this as part of nsg is different. it’s his life now. it’s his foreseeable future-- hopefully his future for years. one day, he’ll be the senior new groups greet, and he’ll be able to remember this day fondly and smile at them in sympathy, because he’ll understand. because taemin, quite frankly, is nervous, but as always, when he needs to put on a brave face he calls upon the very acting skills dream high cultivated in him. he’ll likely need to do most of the talking to the senior artists today, and a thought passes in his mind: he might’ve been in the industry longer than some of these seniors, given his more than six year training period.
“we don’t,” taemin replies. the 7th sense is just a single. this was one of the worries lower on taemin’s list, but now that johnny brings it up, taemin frowns a little. it is a shame. “i don’t know,” taemin admits with a light laugh, but to johnny’s following question, he shakes his head. “they didn’t mention anything about it, but i think it’s normal. lots of idols have singles without albums to give. the seniors might have too in the past, so i’m sure it’ll be alright.
the things that jeongguk has told her have been stuck in her head recently and it’s been hard to think about anything else. was debuting really such a cruel practice? why hadn’t she noticed? maybe it’s a misplaced guilt, and sia knows all too well that it’s not something that she’s done really or something she could have known about without being told. there was only the thrill in her of experiencing a group that got to debut whilst being in the company with them. you never really know what goes on behind closed doors.
that’s why when she sees taemin, it gives her pause. the misplaced guilt of the unknown makes her question whether or not she really has the right to talk to him, all with her eyes full of sadness and her expression drawn. as perhaps the trainee that she admires most in kt, knowing that he’s also suffered the longest here while simultaneously having to deal with what was described to her as a hellscape - she wonders a little how he’s holding up. she wonders if she has the right to ask.
does she?
her steps are hesitant as she approaches him, fingers knotted together and twisting in all of her anxiety. is she doing the right thing? saying hello and pretending to know nothing? would it be better to ask? would he even tell her if she did?
“ good morning, sunbaenim.” she mumbles from behind him, looking not unlike a lost fawn. " we haven’t talked in a long time, so it’s good to see you around.“ a bite of the tongue to avoid asking how he’s doing, because that would be a misstep - surely it would be. surely it would be bad to bring up nsg at all. ” did .. did you want to join me for lunch?“ would it be nice to get away?
he's in a strange state. it's some kind of limbo, in between training for six years and debuting, in between friends coming and going, a constant state of flux and suspension in midair simultaneously. now he's short two of his closest friends in nsg, still with no promise that their debut will never actually arrive. it's some sort of nightmare, so why is he so calm? why, when his future is so uncertain-- when everything he poured his entire life into is at stake --does he not feel anything anymore? maybe it's shock. maybe it's a defense mechanism. maybe he's just numb.
he knows the other boys would tell him he doesn't have to be strong for them all the time. aron and jongdae would, at least, and they feel like so much fewer than they once were. now taemin will debut with aron, and a group of people that feel closer to strangers than friends on many days. part of him wonders if he is just destined to lose the people he wanted to debut with. part of him braces for aron's departure too, and for some reason, that possibility feels worse than not debuting at all. he knows they need to build their teamwork. without aron, he feels utterly alone in nsg, and it should change.
it's all just so much, and he is so tired. for as much as he hasn't blamed himself this month-- for how much better he'd been doing in this area --he still can't help but feel like a failure, grasping at stray threads, trying to sew something destined to fall apart back together over and over again. is that what nsg is?
no. he'll still do his best. he won't give up on nsg until kt tells him he should. even if he doesn't feel close to the other boys, he wants to. he wants debut on behalf of the six years he trained here, but he wants it for the other boys, too. he wants them all to stand on stage as nsg, and for them to do so proudly. he's afraid it's too much to ask.
sia approaches him, and her voice shakes him out of his thoughts. he puts on a soft smile when he turns to face her, and it's not insincere, even if it may be tired. "good morning sia-ssi," he replies. she's kind as always, even for as soft-spoken as she is. he's impressed that even with his intimidating sunbae status, she still has the boldness to ask him to lunch; even more outgoing juniors may not have the guts. the smile reaches his eyes a little more than before. "sure. that would be nice."
if he thinks changing up his routine will help, then maybe it really will be.
“ahhhh! that’s what i’m talking about!” aron raised his can of beer into the air, giggling as he leaned back, nudging past his good pal and falling onto the ground. it’s picnic day, a whole session of spa leading up to this very point. in aron’s opinion, it was the best weekend he’s had in a very long while, even before the whole nsg training. with the cooling wind grazing his cheeks and city bustle, yet being far away enough from the other people in their own space, it was simply perfect.
pushing himself up with one hand, he bumped shoulders with taemin. the rest were getting (more) snacks, if not engaged in their own chatter. aron cast a look, then turned towards taemin. “you’re not drinking?” he asked. it’s a weird question, considering how aron already knew the answer. but he never knew why, and he’s never really thought to ask. part of him assumed that taemin was too responsible to ever let them run amok under his eye.
still, it’s just so natural to offer. “hard to think we actually have the time to do something like this. i mean, we aren’t trapped in kt or anything, but doing it in a group was unexpected.” the male hummed, setting down his drink turning to look afar. the night view was awesome too, he realised. the sort that’s slow and chill and calming. “its a nice night. kinda wished i brought my guitar out,” aron chuckled. “then again, i play enough in the dorms, it’s best if i let you guys go for one night.”
nsg has taken one hit after another: not only the delay of their debut to begin with, but sungho's departure, and then jimin's for sphere of all places. there's still much to process, so many worries in taemin's mind, but kt seems intent on building the group's teamwork now. they sent them off on a spa weekend, of all things. maybe it was an apology for all of the trouble the company put them through in recent months.
taemin owes kt his life. he told jongdae as much recently. sending jimin off to sphere is the first decision he can't find a worthwhile reason for in his head. everything else he understood and didn't resent katie lee for. he wasn't even angry at her or the company for delaying their debut; he knew then that it was the right decision, but this? continuing as nsg while jimin was removed from the lineup for no apparent reason? he couldn't make sense of it. he wonders if he ever will. even if he doesn't, he knows he'll find peace with it eventually. it's just another goodbye tacked onto all of the others, too many to count now. it hurts at first and then heals, and whether it hurts or not, there is still nsg.
there's still nsg, and teamwork to build, and taemin is thankful for these moments. now, with aron as the sole member of nsg he really counts as a friend, it's more evident than ever that he needs to grow closer to the others. it starts here: this outing taemin suggested himself, not company mandated, the first thing they've really done together outside of training.
he laughs at aron as he stumbles, his friend always reliable when it comes to providing some brand of entertainment. he doesn't even worry about him, mind too exhausted to worry over small things anymore. what's the worst that could happen? aron disgraces his image, face painting news sites online with headlines about his drunkenness? that's a problem for future taemin. for now, he'll enjoy this moment, thankful that even among everything, he still has aron.
he shakes his head. he isn't drinking, though he's sure aron knows to expect that much already. maybe he's so drunk that he forgot. that might be a little more cause for concern. almost like a contradiction, he nods soon after, agreeing with the strangeness of it all. "hopefully this is the last time we get to do something like this for a while," he muses, watching the world as it moves around them, friends and families celebrating the summer with joy speckling all of their expressions. he says it because he hopes they'll debut soon, and that their lives will be too busy and too public to make an appearance at an event like this. part of him is surprised they can get away with it without too much notice, until he thinks, a bit bitterly, that to everyone else, they're merely trainees.
he laughs, though. what's that joke jiwon explained to him? "what are you going to do, play wonderwall for everyone here to hear?" that's it. he laughs, and he's glad that even with life as it is now, that he and aron still can.
standing on the nsg debut stage happy? that would be a mouthful and easier said than done. “easier said than done, you know. i;m at my limit. i can’t take another month of being trashed,” he said, letting the crossed arms down and sliding down the wall. “i don’t even want to go back to the dorms, you know. haven’t wanted to in a while to be honest,” he buried his face in his knees. “how can you say we’re all nsg when we’re treated like we’re the leftovers?”
namjoon's admission of not hating him surprised him somehow. no, maybe it shouldn't have. hate was a strong word, and an even stronger feeling. if anything, a past taemin would've said namjoon wasn't worth the energy in hating. now, it was different. now, maybe namjoon needed all of his energy, and if it was in the name of a strong debut for nsg, it would be worth it. sure, inevitably, he would still get frustrated. he would probably want to yell at him for his incompetence and what seemed like an inability to execute a move even after going over it 100 times. he would probably doubt it all, both now and after their debut, but he needed to set it all aside for the sake of the group. they didn't have to be best friends, but they needed to work together. taemin knew it.
namjoon's laughter came as even more of a surprise, but it brought a small, close-lipped smile out of taemin. envy? ah, maybe it was because of his dance ability. he never considered such a thing before, but with a little reflection, it was understandable. in namjoon's shoes, he probably would've wanted to steal the main dancer's talent as well as his spotlight. yes, thinking of it that way, he understood very well. it almost left a feeling of guilt. "i'm glad," he said, voice quieter than intended, gaze shifting down momentarily. the lack of hatred was certainly a good thing; hopefully clearing the air, even as minimally as this, would help them enough going forward.
easier said than done. he looked back up at namjoon then, unable to keep the disheartened expression off his face. taemin never saw himself as much of an optimist, but he hoped. he hoped that things would be different, even as he anxiously feared otherwise. even with geonwook's words haunting him too (after all this time, would you be happy debuting like that?) he wanted to believe they would get better. taemin would be able to stand on stage without regrets. did namjoon lose that hope? was his spirit really so crushed that he couldn't envision that future anymore, even through all of the reproval?
he watched as namjoon sat down, burying his head in his lap, and taemin let out a tiny sigh. he didn't know what to do either, so he chose to sit down beside him, staring into the mirror across the practice room.
taemin didn't understand. maybe that was the worst part of it. he knew his six years of training gave him an advantage in this; his skills were more polished than the others, and he worked his tail off all six of those years in an attempt to not be lacking in anything. as such, he dodged the criticism the others received. he earned himself the position of not only main dancer, but leader and lead vocal as well. he would call himself lucky if he hadn't worked so hard for it. he didn't understand the feeling of constant criticism.
a realization hit him then. maybe he did, but it required going back a decade in his memory, to the words his father would spew, constant abuse. he felt worthless then-- beyond worthless. no matter how he tried, taemin couldn't view the trainers as nearly that harsh, but maybe the feeling was the same. still, he didn't speak. he didn't say he understood, because he doubted namjoon would believe it; it would seem nothing but insincere. instead, he listened, and when his groupmate finished speaking, he stayed silent for a while.
"you aren't leftovers," he sighed, sadly more than anything else. how could he reassure someone in a moment like this? would anything he could say help? "nsg u is just debuting first. the 7th sense is a really hard dance..." maybe you weren't selected for that reason. "127 is going to be important, too. the fans will be excited to see new members. you'll be a good surprise. just think...maybe nsg is lacking because it doesn't have you, johnny and jongdae. maybe the fans will feel that, too. when we're 127, maybe it'll feel whole."
Legs pulling up to his chest and armswrapping around them, Hyunjin presses his cheek against his knees, smilingwarmly at Taemin. Taemin is realistic with the situation, and Hyunjin can sensethe man’s hesitance in using words that connote absolute assuredness when inreality they both control very little of their own situation within thecompany. “I hope we can dance on stage together too. I’d like to learn fromyou, but more importantly grow with you. And even if in the end we can’t debuton the same stage as a team, I’m glad I at least got the opportunity to dancewith you”.
it's nice to get to know hyunjin like this. even with two years worth of time shared within the same company, they still know so little about each other. that will inevitably change as time goes on-- as they hopefully debut together and stay together for years to come --but he likes that it already is. he was already fond of hyunjin, both as their maknae and sole other member with an overwhelming strength in dancing, but the more he hears him talk, the truer it becomes. "that's a good mindset to have," taemin says, and he grins at hyunjin's flustered reaction. if only taemin was so warm-hearted at 20 years old. "there's always a lot to learn. it's true for everything, but dancing for me, too."
he listens happily as hyunjin speaks, his passion evident, and it's a noble motivation for what he does. the mention of choreography has taemin perk up just a little in curiosity. choreographing including sign language is such a unique concept, but a beautiful one, too. "i felt like..." taemin thinks it's only fair to share his reason for dancing too, even if it's difficult to put into words. "i had to dance to survive." it's true for more reasons than one: the money he earned by dancing on the street, keeping him alive and out of his father's house for as long as he was able, and the tornado of darkness he always kept in his mind. "when i was younger, i felt like i couldn't breathe if i wasn't dancing." there was a time he couldn't, too, injured, grim prognosis, a year feeling like there was a tear in his very soul. "i just wanted to do whatever i could to keep dancing, and i ended up here," and he laughs, wiping his hands on his pants absently. "i've never thought to choreograph with sign language before, but i like that. do you think i could help sometime?"
hyunjin's next words make taemin's heart clench. it's a certain kind of heaviness; it's not sadness, no, more determination. it makes him think of what he said to jongdae on nsg's most uneventful day-- the day they all doubted their choices to become idols, and doubted their fitness for it. nsg is everything to me. this moment reminds him of the same, suddenly spurning him on with even more vigor to do everything he can to bring this group to the stage. maybe there isn't much. maybe it's dangerous to think he has any power at all, and it isn't kt entertainment with their entire lives in their hands, members unable to do anything about it. maybe, however, if he is the leader the members need him to be, and he teaches them well, they can all make it to the day everyone knows nsg as idols. maybe he does have some say.
in many ways, he admires how collected hyunjin is for how young he is-- how willing he is to accept whatever their fates may be. it's not something he can say for himself, but it's moving in a way, especially combined with the value he seems to place on their time together. taemin smiles softly, close-lipped. "yeah," he agrees, and when he does, it's almost with a sigh. "i'd like that too. " he doesn't want to dwell too much. he doesn't want to weigh down a time that should be light-hearted with too many of his worries that he succeeds to keep locked up more every passing day. "i think i can learn from you too," even if it's different-- even if it's just in the way hyunjin looks at the world, so seemingly different from the way taemin does. his gaze drifts away from hyunjin then, to stare straight ahead, eyes growing unfocused. still, with quiet conviction: "i'm going to give nsg everything i have."
