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4/30/17
I think i’ve ruined something I had good going on for me again. This happens so much that i’m used to it at this point, as if i’ve been desensitized to feeling anything anymore. Desensitized to feeling love or pain, as if I cannot differentiate the two emotions apart anymore. When the men you’ve loved in your life took as much as they could from you without giving in return, when everything that went wrong was somehow your fault, when you were only needed in convenience while they were your world, when you were willing to be emotionally abused to make them stay, when you were willing to burn yourself alive to keep a flame beyond past its extinction going, when you did everything you could to make them happy and they left anyway or chose someone else before you even realized you were simply an option and not an only choice, you learn to start pushing people away and not trusting anyone no matter how much they convince you they’re different. You learn to unlove. You learn to be cruel because it masks the hurt. You learn not to feel anymore. Lastly, there is a pain deeper than an abyss that nobody notices due to thick shields around your heart to hide it from the rest of the world. And that pain will come out in ugly ways, at the most inconvenient moments unexpected. I became scared getting too emotionally close, and I pushed him away again. I ran away again to avoid feeling for someone. I’m good at ruining good things I have. I’m good at running away when things get hard. I’m good at being alone and depending on myself. I’m good at closing off my heart to people and making them wonder what the hell went wrong. I’m good at not letting people in. I’m not good at staying. I’m not good at saying how I feel or showing any acts of affection. I’m not the normal loving girl that every guy dreams of. I’m not constant hugs and kisses. I can’t try to be something that i’m not. I’m simply cold and distant and angry or sad all the time and I don’t know why. I feel like I slowly lose myself when I get too close to another person and it leaves me anxious. Anxious at the thought of giving and opening myself to someone and them leaving me at the end of it all. So I push them away first before they hurt me. At that point, does that even make me any better than the men who've taught me to be this way? I’m messed up. So I don’t blame him for leaving, save yourself before getting too involved with someone who is incapable of loving. I would have left so myself eventually. I’m better at being alone anyways.
the sweetest :')
⛪️👼🏿😇🙏🏿🍗 #1130pm (at South Conduit Ave)
