#and funny

[honesttaffy]

For some reason, I really liked this part

[cermblka]

suicidal couple… and Toby

[sylvan2metilfuran]

He's so big. He just has to carry these guys like that:

[baldieboi]

Primarch Matchmaking

Part 4

A option won the vote. So, time to continue. Nothing can proceed seriously. Not even this. Especially not this. The questions began (or almost so, god help us all).

Tagged, anyone can be tagged, ask me:

@the-mysterious-detective @mehiwilldoitlater @theonceunknown @gravedwe11er @lesboficfanatic @bunny-fair @drowning-in-sorrowing-tales @bookandyarndragonwritesdark @fandomcatchall @thebetterblacklight @incrediblethirst @beckyninja @ilovewolvezz @celestia0473 @nereidof40k @hopefully-grimderp @acgames @mortarion-thinks-youre-toxic @catabibaz0n @subtlepoisonknowledge @aggresivemenace @veryspecificreason @rogalist-of-dorns @hellafluff @psykerofbones @randomlyappearingartist @nyrocwolfen @taciturncitadel

You down the rest of your wine in one go. Malcador, bless him, immediately hands you another glass. He looks like he's aged fifty years in the last ten minutes.

"Okay, so most of you need therapy but I respect the honesty. Who wants to ask the first actual matchmaking question?"

Eighteen hands shoot up immediately.

Well, seventeen. Mortarion's stays firmly crossed over his chest.

"Not all at once-"

"I'LL GO FIRST" the Emperor's voice booms through the room. "THIS IS MY EVENT."

"Oh no" Malcador whispers.

The Emperor makes an... expression. You could describe it best as a matchmaking dad expression.

"QUESTION ONE: WHAT IS YOUR STANCE ON HAVING CHILDREN?"

"FATHER, NO!" at least six Primarchs shout.

"IT'S A REASONABLE QUESTION. I WANT TO KNOW IF I'M GETTING GRANDCHILDREN OR IF I WASTED MY TIME GENETICALLY ENGINEERING ALL OF YOU."

"This is mortifying" Guilliman mutters.

"I think it's wonderful" Lorgar is immediately taking notes.

You stare at the Emperor. "Are... are you going to be at all of these sessions?"

"ONLY THE IMPORTANT ONES." He leans forward. "WELL? ANSWER THE QUESTION."

"I mean... I haven't really thought about-"

"IRRELEVANT!" Fulgrim interrupts, stepping forward with a flourish. "I have a better first question." His smile is dangerous. "What's your idea of a perfect date?"

"Oh that's actually normal-"

"Is it a private concert where I play for you while feeding you grapes?" he continues. "A visit to an art gallery where we discuss the sublime nature of beauty? Or perhaps something more... intimate? Wine tasting that becomes... other kinds of tasting?"

"Fulgrim!" Sanguinius hisses.

"What? Father said he wanted grandchildren! I'm being efficient!"

Russ barks out a laugh. "That's not a date, that's foreplay with extra steps!"

"Your idea of a date is wrestling a bear!"

"It was one time and she enjoyed it!"

"The bear or the date?"

"BOTH!"

Konrad drops from the ceiling again (when did he get back up there?) and lands directly in front of you. "Here's my question: what's your worst fear?"

"Konrad, what the fuck?"

"I need to know." His eyes are too wide, too intense. "So I know what not to do. Probably. Maybe. No promises."

"That's not reassuring!"

"It wasn't meant to be!"

The Lion cuts through the chaos with his usual tact (none). "Do you know how to use a sword?"

"... is that your actual question?"

"Yes."

"Why does that matter?"

"It matters." He crosses his arms. "Can you defend yourself or will you be a liability in combat situations?"

"Lion, this is a matchmaking event"

"Combat readiness is essential in any partnership."

Corvus raises his hand hesitantly. "Can I ask mine?"

"Please" you beg. "Ask something normal."

"Would you be okay with... not talking? Sometimes? For long periods?"

"... that's actually reasonable."

"Oh good." He looks relieved. "Follow up: how do you feel about birds?"

"Corax, why-"

"I have a lot of ravens. They're everywhere. In the vents. On the furniture. One of them has learned to mimic Curze's screaming and it's becoming an issue."

"That was your raven?" Curze shrieks.

"Maybe."

Malcador pours you a third glass of wine. You haven't even finished the second.

It feels like a mess. What now?

What will yo do?

A

B

C

D

E

F

Voting ended onMar 2

A) "Okay, new rule: One question at a time and it has to be something I can actually answer without a therapist present!"

B) Point at Guilliman. "You. Clipboard. Organize this disaster immediately or I'm walking out."

C) Turn to the Emperor. "This is your fault! You fix this!"

D) "Fine. FINE. Everyone write your question down and put it in a hat. We're doing this lottery style."

E) Look directly at the most seemingly reasonable Primarch (Vulkan? Sanguinius?) "Please help me."

F) "You know what? I'll answer Fulgrim's question first because at least it's normal... mostly."

[mikimeiko]

In the Flesh | Series 1 (2013), Dominic Mitchell

[silusvesuius]

actually i'm now glad i saw the b*******s cus i realized that i also remember mr ejiofor from that 4brothers movie where he made a man eat food off the floor he's so cute

[randomvoices]

I am asexual, aromantic, and agender. I have made precisely one decision in my life, and that decision was "no".