Just preemptively putting out there in case a random sees it and gets upset or smthng: allo-aro Jim kirk is a projection thing dnsjfndkf it's a me seeing myself in him thing. The way I read his character and his relationships I see a lot of similarities to myself, especially before I realized I'm aro/spec.
The way people can talk abt romantic love, I wound up just sort of assuming it was an immediate offshoot of platonic love. And I do experience what I'd still call infatuation, I just also have found that long term romantic relationships are not what I enjoy or find comfort in; infatuation for me comes from envisioning closeness with someone, oftentimes closeness that doesnt even mecessitate romance. At the same time, I'm really fucking lonely fjdkgksjgdk and it's still v not normalized in our society to have close friends u have sex with without some expectation of some level of romance, and bc friendship and romance for me have always been abt the same, I struggle to make friends to begin with. I think FWB and situationship are good useful terms but there also just. Needs to be something else there, I feel. QPP is great but only covers one aspect.
Anyway all that to say fjsjfndkfnej for me Jim's sifting through multiple love interests a week + his loneliness, to me, feels like he's stuck running up against his internalized amatonormativity*. There are a few exceptions I think, namely Lenore and Rayna, but a lot of them, I think, were really strong platonic attachments and/or, yes, primarily sexual attraction. He wants love and to be loved, yet continually finds no luck in romance. It's implied it's bc of his devotion to the Enterprise, but at what point does that shift from explanation to excuse; to prevent the uncomfortable self reflection?
Imo, that's also why I do still like to think of his relationship with Spock, while absolutely queer at its core, as a friendship, on Kirk's end at least. I especially like the potential of Kirk pining after a romantic attraction, tbh. Wanting to want spock in that way*, bc if he were to develop these feelings for anybody, surely, at this point, he should for spock. But he doesn't, at least, hes not confident that he feels anything more than strong friendship, and he doesnt want to ruin the bond they have. As I've said before, my favored interpretation of spirk is as a model of courtly love: not fully romantically reciprocated, blurring the lines of platonic and romantic.
*-there are a lot of ways to internalize amatonormativity and a lot of ways that can play into your life but in my case and how I like to think is Jim's case, it's in wanting, or at least thinking you want, that ideal romantic partnership; monogamous, dedicated, passionate. Which is all well in good to read about in fiction, but anyone can tell you that real life romance is messy and hard, and, speaking from experience, romantic stuff can get overwhelming and stressful fast if you're not feeling it. And in the end all you really want is probably just like. Friends? Like a friend group? Some hookups as well? But you also want what society is telling you you ought to strive for, that being romance.
Anyway yeah gjdjfndkf there you go. Loredump on me by way of explaining new kirk hc djsjfnsnfndns
