#autistic apl

[alilblog]

i want friends

but i also dont

i want friends that i can interact with without feeling any preassure to hold up to normal social demands...

someone i feel like wont judge me for who i am

someone who's willing to listen to me

i so badly just want to yap with someone about something i love with no expectations...

[alilblog]

something that's really pissing me off rn is that my 'friends' (im aplatonic but am only recently accepting that and haven't told them that) have been making fun of xenogenders.

i tried to explain what xenogenders are and why someone might identify with that, but then the next day they made the same joke again...

for context, the joke - idk if im reading too much into this - was just them repeatedly going like 'hahha i use *something*/*something*self pronouns' along with saying that 'what even is that gender' (in reference to a xenogender they found on the internet)

and when i tried to explain what it feels like, they just sort of went like 'oh' and still made the joke??? idk if they're not actually saying it as a joke but it does feel sort of mocking?

like you dont need to understand it but you dont have to make fun of people for it...

it's making me really annoyed and i just dont know how to bring it up to them or explain what it is... im also in general really nervous about bringing it up to them in general because i do identify with xenogenders...

doesn't help said friends have also - albeit accidentally - been rude and like... not very sympathetic, and sort-of-maybe made fun of autistic people...

and therians/otherkin/alterhuman beings/creatures...

and i get the feeling they dont really like it/its pronouns bcs they know i use them and have never mentioned it or used 'it' for me...

i wish i could understand friendship and what people actually mean... like are you being mocking? i think that's what your tone is... what are friends supposed to do? but idk how any of that works...

i could be misunderstanding the situation, but it still doesn't feel good

[alilblog]

being somewhere on the aplatonic spectrum but not knowing where because your identity is so confusing is annoying.

im not diagnosed, but im pretty sure im autistic, so that's probably got something to do with it?

in short, my experience with friendship is something like: 'i like you, id like to be your friend' and then i get to know that someone and im just like 'what is friendship. its not what i have with you. but it fits the definition? but i dont feel like i have a friendship with you'

except in like the rare case where im like 'yes. friend.'

...which has happened like once.

but in general i prefer alterous relationships, partially because im aroflux and aceflux so yk

then again ive never had any of those kinds of relationships so yk...

[alilblog]

sometimes i wish i could truly bond with people and really feel like i have a deep and meaningful relationship with them instead of just feeling... disconnected ig?

unfortunately, no matter how hard i try, it seems i cannot have this ):

or maybe it will just takes years for me to finally find someone i can feel emotionally attached to. maybe. one day.