Updating this because there's been a discovery lol.
We have AuDHD + social anxiety (and possibly others), so sorry if we don't respond or interact or say something weird!
We're a newly discovered median-system (but me, Void, will likely be the main one running this blog.)
Our fandoms are: The Life Series, Hermitcraft, other MCYT SMPs but not as much, Wings of Fire, Warrior Cats, PJO, and the Hunger Games
We enjoy creative writing + drawing.
No DNI, just no hating on anyone/anything.
No syscourse/shipcourse as well, please, unless the post is already about either of those things already and you are willing to have an open-minded discussion.
adults will lecture you about respect and the importance of obeying authority and how you're not being good and its just like. Wow. They do not care about you at all.
Even when you're "acting out." When they claim they're concerned for your safety. When they see the scars on your arm and feel the need to address it.
It's always about the behavior. How you're disrespecting and disappointing the adults in your life. And, well, don't you want a future? Sometimes life sucks and you just have to put up with it. Just listen to what they tell you, is it really that hard?
They never want to know the real reason a kid is the way they are. It's as if all children exist in a vacuum, and all "misbehavior" are conscious, deliberate decisions made out of a desire to disrespect or selfishness and that our material conditions and the negligence we face aren't factors that affect us in any way.
It's never about how you feel. Its never about what the adults can do to make your life easier. Its never about understanding or accommodating or recognizing when the kid is right or maybe this system is setting you up for misery and you're trying the best you can. Its always that you need to try harder. Just shut up, be good, be obedient, do what we say when we say it, okay? Sometimes, that's just life.
I used to believe that they cared about what came out of a child's mouth. I really thought that they were trying to understand, that they could see that I'm just as much of a person as they are, that I was in the wrong for not trying hard enough and if I just pushed a little more, maybe, maybe they would understand. I was wrong.
I wanted to believe that they cared. But I stopped talking, I started really listening to what they were saying, what they weren't saying, what their goals were in speaking to me. What gave them a sense of accomplishment and what didn't. And they don't care about you. They really, really don't.
PSA the "si" in shared YouTube links stand for Seal Indicator. This means there is a nefarious seal tracking your information and will give YouTube your data in exchange for fish. Please remove the part after "?si=" before you click on it or share the link with others because it is a tracking token!
so it turns out that 🙈🩷 and ❤️💜 have a writing style together that i really like, so whenever i'm writing they usually both turn up and then we're all writing in a really fun style
Ableism is when i was younger, my mom always put my hair in a tight ponytail or braid (which hurt so bad it had me in tears because I hated how it felt) and she would yell at me for taking it out to have my hair in my face despite knowing i hated having it up and that it hurt to keep in those hairstyles. I liked hiding behind my hair because it was comforting and i used it to soothe myself (playing with my hair, holding it, etc), which i couldnt do when it was up. She would always send me to school in either a ponytail or braid and I would immediately take it out the second i got on the bus or she drove away (depending on how i got to school) and would ask my teachers and friends if they could put my hair in a ponytail or a braid so my mom wouldn't yell at me. I still have long hair now and *still* hate putting it up
ok cool do you mean all of mental health or just exactly three palatable symptoms of the selection of 5 mental disorders you want to support?
ok cool do you mean the kid with IED who says this conversation is a little much, can I step out and cool off” gets to leave the room or are you going to keep pressuring her until she bursts and then send her to the office for being disruptive.
ok cool do you mean that the person having a flashback will be met with actual care or do you just think they should get over it or go do that somewhere else and stop being so sensitive in class.
ok cool do you mean that if someone gets overstimulated and can’t speak that you’ll let him use nonverbal alternatives to communicate or will you just send him to the office and talk about how he was able to speak an hour ago and is just not trying now.
ok cool do you mean that when someone’s depression is really bad they can take mental health days and get a lighter workload or do you think that they need to power through and stop being lazy.
or do you mean that you offer stim toys and day planners in you office and that should be enough.
vent/rant about school + neurodivergence (kinda personal but it's relatively vague, and we think it's important)
tw: ableism i suppose (just in general), dissassociation + derealisation, bullying, description (not too graphic) of anxiety/panic attacks, depression, trauma (shocker)
people really dont acknowledge enough that neurodivergence can result in trauma from school, you know?
i mean, just think about what autism and adhd are (because that's what we have and therefore what we have the most experience dealing with, but i am sure that the other types of neurodivergence still have struggles as well)
starting off... small-ish.
the sensory processing disorders that most (but not all) autistic kids have
those sensory sensitivities in school are awful. the lighting is... harsh. at least in our school, kids would constantly be flicking the lights on and off so there was that added layer of unpredictability. the hallways during the time between going too and from lessons... were so crowded, you were guaranteed to bump into someone really and have contact with other people (which we dont really like, unless its someone we know well and we agree and are expecting it)
ontop of that, there's the uniforms. im pretty sure no school uniform has ever been comfortable, like, ever. they're itchy and stiff and just awful to wear five days a week.
then there's also something you might think is good. the rigidity of it and the routines. but the thing is, it isn't our routine. it's... yeah. on top of that, we had six periods a day and each was 50 minutes long, and... it was hard. somehow both too long and too short. i want to get ot of here, but if i actually want to get stuck into something, 50 minutes isnt enough to really get stuck in and focus...
so. then there's our special interests. pretty much... 0 interaction with our special interests for 6-7 hours a day. (not a six seven joke.)
that was torture. those special interests are really important to us of course, and having no interaction with them was so hard.
then there's the social stuff. the other kids looked forwards to recess + lunch to socialise, we just did because it meant we could escape from other people in the library.
constantly masking for hours a day...
then theres the inattentive adhd part.
we couldnt focus on what was being said. i remember that. just not being able to focus no matter how hard i tried. getting super bored...
ah.
ironically enough, i forgot this, but- the forgetting. getting six hours of information shoved in your brain and then not being able to go over that work because ur adhd brain doesn't deem it nesseccary was... it made things harder.
dont even get me started on 'taking criticism' which never went well, thanks rejection sensitive dysphoria.
when we got home, we were too exhausted to go any further. we just never could. it was all too much. we just wanted to rest and recover, but the next day brought more horrors down upon us.
thinking about this now... i almost feel like i am there. feeling sick with anticipation, constantly... dissassociated. nothing felt real. it felt like we were... trapped in a nightmare. that feels right. it felt hopeless.
then there was the bullying and the preassure. constantly feeling like you've just got to try harder and that if you push yourself just a little bit further you'll get it and that the constant headache from pushing yourself beyond your limits isnt related
we were... bullied. at least once that we can remember. there could have been other times when we were younger that we forgot, i suppose. or small things we never noticied.
people just say... work harder. just work harder. just fucking work harder and you'll get it but you're so tired.
it's awful, it's so awful.
onto social anxiety... not too much to say here, aside from the presentations that people are made to do, and are then judged on... a whole lot of things, such as... eye contact. more ableism from school, wow, who wouldve thought.
also: more ableism:
the way that you are punished for having sick days. my mental health, our mental health, could be worse than it ever has been before and we're still forced to go to school.
we've had anxiety and panic attacks from school and the stress of homework. feeling like if we dont get this piece of work done then the world is over...
shaking and not being able to breathe or breathing funny and feeling your heart race and just not wanting this to have to be your life.
so then, you try and avoid it. you try and avoid school.
all you get is jokes at your expense and people asking why youre avoiding it. forcing yourself to get up in the morning and going through the routine... letting yourself fall away, and let things stop feeling real.
you see the people you call yourself friends with and put on the act, smiling and waving. they dont know you dont feel real, that nothing feels real, that you're once again going through the motion of something that has... changed you.
we have traumagenic alters, from the bullying? we went through. im not sure if the bullying was exactly... intentional? or? i dont know. it wasnt... it wasnt nice. ig.
we have... an alter who was... formed from the stress of school, we believe, but we dont know.
me, the host, am the main one who deals with all of this, which means im also the one who... yeah. im also the depression holder of the system, if that... if that explains anything.
sometimes the world really does feel hopeless, just... existing. now that i know all of this, i am doing better now, but it is still hard, ofc.
and with all that, we eventually thought: should we maybe look into the symptoms of c-ptsd? just in case?
and... we fit quite a lot of the symptoms. we wondered if it was possible for us, to, maybe, have c-ptsd from school. it's... kind of strange to acknolwedge, but it could very well be possible.
uhh. yeah. anyway.
people really dont acknolwedge the damage done... it feels... awful.
...
yeah idrk. ig. just here. if you read all that, then... thanks. for like. reading.
