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Peace

Pairing: Ayna Seth x MC (Kennedy); Ayna / Arjun Summary: After a disagreement with Kennedy, Ayna toughens up and goes facing her demons. Genre: Hurt/comfort. Angst. Rating: T Word Count: 3k Notes: This has been sitting unfinished in my OneNote for a year. Did not review it, just finished and woohoo. As a special note, if you’re Indian and is annoyed with my poorly researched references, please let me know. My wish isn’t to offend anyone.

Beep.

With a sigh of annoyance, Ayna flips to the side to find the source of the aggravating noise. She forgot to turn off the hourly beep of her wristwatch again, and here it goes telling her yet another hour had passed and she still wasn't able to sleep. She finds it by her bedside table and turns the damn sound off, not without first confirming it really was 04:00am.

She settles back against her pillow and stares back at the ceiling, lost in thought. Tonight was supposed to have been a great night. It was Friday night and Kennedy had come by for dinner and some chilling time, and they were actually able to have a peaceful and romantic night.

They had fallen asleep together, laying in each others arms, and Ayna felt warm and fuzzy. Whenever Kennedy was around she felt like she was on cloud nine, and she thanked every entity she could think of for her second chance.

Everything was going great until at somewhere around midnight Ayna woke up to the tossing and turning of an agitated Kennedy. Before Ayna could shake off her own sleep to understand what was happening, Kennedy woke up panting and frightened, and it took no genius to figure out what that was about.

Claiming she wanted a glass of water and some space, Kennedy left the room. The distress Ayna could tell she was in though made it impossible for her not to follow Kennedy after a few minutes. In hindsight, she could tell it was a bad move. Kennedy had explicitly said she needed some time to cool off, a request that Ayna ignored.

So when Ayna follows her to the living room and asks if Kennedy wanted her to leave (even though she was in her own apartment?), the answer she got for that was “Can you try not to make this about you? Can you please just back off for a minute?”.

"You're such an idiot!" Ayna buries her head in her pillows at the memory. It wasn't in Kennedy's nature to lash out, so the fact that she did told Ayna she really miscalculated that one. She lets her mind wander through the rest of their evening; after Ayna retreated back to her room to give Kennedy her much needed space, the younger woman took several minutes for herself before coming through the door. This last piece of conversation sent Ayna's heart to a frenzy, rivaling completely the state she was in at the begning of the night, and certainly responsible for her current sleep deprivation.

“I'm sorry I lashed out.”

“It's fine. I'm sorry I was hovering.”

“Look, it just gets confusing sometimes. I know you’re this wonderful person and I love how peaceful it gets to be with you. But sometimes I get thrown back and I remember that you lied and kept things from me. I just need some time to separate the two of you in my mind.”

“I get it.”

“You need to forgive yourself too, Ayna, or we’ll never move forward. Everything is great when it’s you and me, just the two of us, but not so great when it’s you, me and your guilt.”

Closing her eyes tightly as if it would help her shield herself, Ayna replays in her head for the thousandth time the part that was really tormenting her.

“I want to be with you, but not like this.”

“Kennedy-“

“I’m not breaking up with you! Not asking for some time or anything, ok? I mean I think so. Just... Just for tonight, I think it will be best if I leave.”

Ok, so she needed to forgive herself. Easier said than done. Ayna had been so scared of losing her dad that she could barely see anything else until Kennedy came along, turning her whole world upside down, all of the sudden making her fears about losing Kennedy instead. Now, the truth is that if she didn't learn how to deal with herself, she'd end up losing both.

Unable to lie still and relax, she gives up on it entirely and gets up, moving for her wardrobe to change into something more appropriate for a late trek outside. Satisfied, she resolutely walks towards the front door, following through with her plan before losing her nerve. It's the eerie hours of the morning, perhaps this might not have been the best idea she's ever had, but she felt she needed to, no matter what would come out of it.

So at exactly 04:48 in the morning, she finds herself standing outside an all too familiar door. She rings the doorbell and waits. At last, a sleepy and confused Arjun opens it.

They stare at each other for a few seconds, neither saying anything. Ayna felt like a teenager again, stared down by her father when screwing up. Feeling like he’d never be the one to give in first, and that she was, after all, the one who sought him at a very inappropriate hour, she tries her luck.

"Hi, dad.”

The only response she's provided with is that of Arjun narrowing his eyes. She feels like at any moment he'd start chiding her, but the seconds kept passing by and it never came.

"Can I come in?"

Arjun steps aside to let her in, silently. It irks Ayna a bit, but at least he hasn't slammed the door in her face or kicked her out. That should count as something.

Walking past him, she steps into the living room. For the first time in her life she feels completely dislocated in this place, even if she remembered every detail about it perfectly, and all bad and good memories alike came flooding at her. She fidgets nervously, wondering if it would ever feel like home again.

"Ahem". The sound of Arjun clearing his throath breaks her from her reverie, prompting her to turn around. He's standing at the other side of the room, arms crossed and expression unreadable.

"I, hmm... Thank you for letting me in."

Arjun limits himself to nodding in agreement.

"I wanted to also thank you for going through with the surgery."

"Well, Miss Monroe made a strong case about it. She truly is a politician's daughter, buttering up is in her blood."

So it took mentioning Kennedy for him to actually talk. That relieved and worried Ayna. Kennedy was her favorite subject these days but she was also the reason for her agitation. "Ah, yes. She said she visited you. She truly is wonderful with words." And try as she might, Ayna can't help the somber expression from coming to her face as she talked about Kennedy.

And of course Arjun would pick up on that. "How are you two doing?"

"We're ok."

"That was... enthusiastic. Are you sure about that?"

"Yeah. I think so."

"I would've thought, after everything, you'd know better than to lie to me."

Ouch. "I'm not lying to you."

"Deflecting, withholding, lying. What's the difference?"

Ayna opened her mouth to retort but nothing came out of it. There was no point in arguing, not when Arjun came close to the truth. She looks down, trying to think of a way of voicing her internal struggles, but she couldn't even begin to sort them out. Arjun used to be her place of comfort and there rarely was any silence between them. Right now, though, the silence was deafening.

It was Arjun who broke it. "Would you like something to drink? How about some tea?"

...

Being busy with preparing tea provided a small reprieve for both daughter and father to collect their thoughts. This conversation was a long time coming, and it should be treated as carefully as possible. Neither wanted it to end badly.

"Not the best tea in the world, but it'll have to do." Arjun offers, moving to a small kitchen table and pulling a chair out for Ayna. She follows his lead, sitting down and taking her own cup to her lips. They spend a few seconds sipping silently, and it may or may not have helped soothe them somewhat with memories of other times they did just the same.

"Are you ready to tell me now why are you really here?"

When she takes more than two seconds to respond, Arjun shifts on his seat nervously. "It's five in the morning, Ayna. You didn't come here just to sulk. Be respectful and at least tell me why you had to wake me up instead of coming at an appropriate hour.”

Another small pause comes by, and as Arjun shakes his head and moves to to stand up, Ayna finally speaks up. "We had a fight earlier tonight."

He relax his posture a little, adjusting himself back into a comfortable position. "By the look on your face, it must have been serious."

"Not on its own. But the implications are."

“You’ll have to elaborate on that.”

“There were no breaking things, calling names, doors banging..." She trails off, placing both her elbows on the table and resting her head in her hands. "But she basically said things aren’t working.”

“Does that surprise you? I’m surprised it’s lasting for so long.”

“Wow," Ayna gasps, her face the picture of disbelief and confusion. It is her turn to stand up now, and she does so wondering what was it that she expected. "Thanks, I guess?”

But Arjun was having none of it.“Sit back down," he scolds, his voice commanding as he grabbed her wrist to stop her from leaving. "Self-serving is not a good look on you.” She does as she's instructed, but not without defending herself. "I'm not trying to be self-serving."

"Yet I haven't heard a proper apology from you."

"You didn't exactly gave me a chance."

"Ah, there it is again. So it's my fault you haven't apologized to me?"

"I-..." Realization dawns on her at that moment, and as Kennedy's voice rings in her head, she finally understands what it is that the woman was trying to tell her. "Try not to make this about you."

Have I been doing it this whole time? It’s a question that goes over and over through Ayna's mind as she tries to process what her dad had just said. Of course Kennedy would be mad, or at least disappointed with her. Instead of helping her girlfriend cope with what would have been not only a traumatic experience but also a huge blow to her sense of worth and self-esteem, Ayna had been so wrapped up in her own guilt she was probably smothering Kennedy with it. And she saw now she was doing that to her dad as well.

"Did you ever stop to think about how I would feel?" Arjun’s voice pierces through the air in a demanding tone, leaning forward over the table, nearly invading Ayna’s personal space. “Look at me when I am talking to you.”

"Dad, I thought about it all the time,” she manages to say weakly, trying to focus her gaze on him, a million different thoughts clouding her vision.

"You didn't give me a say on any of it. I was the one sick, it should have been my choice. You made me a traitor, a corrupt man taking dirty money without my knowing it."

"I'm so sorry, dad,” she hangs her head, unable to keep looking at him. “I was desperate at the time, I didn't know what else to do."

The moment she saw him get up from his chair, she knew her answer wasn’t enough to soothe him. She feared he would just walk away from the conversation, but after a few seconds of pacing, he stops in front of her. “Do you realize you got off lucky? Of all the the possible outcomes, you got lucky,” he inquires, voice half accusatory and half concerned.

"I know that."

"Do you really?”, he shakes his head exasperated, like he was not really believing what he just heard. “Do you think about the implications it would have beyond you and me? What if President Monroe’s reputation had been really damaged? The peace summit wouldn’t have passed, she would have lost the election to Lewis Wright and he would have driven Rutherland into war!”

As his voice had progressively raised the more he kept listing possible outcomes, Ayna couldn’t help being annoyed at feeling like he was treating her like a child. She abruptly gets up herself, her previous shy and ashamed demeanor forgotten, replaced by a challenging one. “How could I have possibly known that was their intention?!”

“I raised you to be smarter than that. You can’t say you never once wondered why someone would wish to cause a scandal during election time. Stop lying to yourself.”

Ayna was ready to retort, feeling angrier by the minute, but Arjun raises his hand, indicating she was not to talk. She clenches her jaw instead, biting her tongue.

“Don’t say you did it for me because I don’t accept it,” he takes a deep breath before returning his attention to her. “I want to hear the truth this time. Why did you do it?”

Something inside of her snapped. She wasn’t sure what was it exactly, but it might have had something to do with the implication she has been telling nothing but lies. "Because I didn’t want to lose you, ok? You were everything I had left! I couldn’t just sit by and watch you die." She snorts, letting out all her frustration with it. Inside of her, every emotion she fought hard to control started resurfacing, and she couldn't keep tracking them down.

"Dad, I couldn't bear the thought of you in pain. You did so much for me and I hated, I hated so much that I couldn't find a way to help you. I tried everything and nothing worked. Nothing fucking worked. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Her voice getting thinner by each spoken word, she finishes her sentence in what sounded like a mere whisper. She starts crying all at once, like the floodgates had just taken more than they could handle for much too long. "I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry for lying to you. For making you go against everything you believed and not even letting you know. I'm sorry, dad, I'm so sorry."

And when she thought she had finally reached her breaking point, she feels Arjun's arms enveloping her in a fierce hug, raising her up, and she could do nothing but hold on to him.

"Please don't hate me forever."

"I don't hate you, beta, I could never hate you."

"Can you forgive me, dad? For what I did? And what I became?"

"What have you become, child? You're still fundamentally the woman you have always been. You wronged me when you lied, but you owned up to your mistake. I forgive you. Forgive yourself, beta."

"Dad..."

"Meri jaan, you are my most precious gift. I'm sorry I ever made you feel anything else." Arjun moved to wipe Ayna's tears away, and she felt like she couldn't be in a safer place. "The day you were born, I vowed to always love you. The day your mom passed away, I vowed to always protect you. This is my job, Ayna, not yours. I'm sorry you ever felt like you had to protect me."

"You are my dad. I would anything for you."

"Not anything. Don't ruin your chances of happiness because of me. I would never want you to do that." Moving his hands to take hold of his daughter's, Arjun speaks softly, "Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself."

"Khalil Gibran."

"So you remember it. 'You may house their bodies, but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow. Life goes not backwards nor tarries with yesterday.'"

"Don't talk like you're yesterday."

"Not yet, but I will be one day and that's how it should be. You're fiercely loyal, Ayna, it's one of your best qualities. That's why you went so far to protect me, and that is also why you confessed to me, wasn't it? It was about time you shifted that loyalty to someone else."

"Dad..."

"You didn't confess because of me, you did it because of her. You are so loving, beta, and you found someone as loving as you are. Let yourself be loved in return."

...

Being that conversation such na emotional one, Ayna felt spent. After some more reassuring from her dad that he loved her and forgived her, he convinced her to get some rest back in what used to be her room. It was 09:30 am when she woke up, and she would've felt like she was dragging her own dead body around if it wasn't for the smell of absolute comfort she was getting.

"You're making kachori?"

Arjun was standing in the middle of the kitchen, spatula in hand, a plate full of fried kachoris on the side.

"I thought I'd treat you this morning. You have always liked kachoris when you're sad."

"Thank you, dad," Ayna pulls a stool back and sits down, quickly digging into the food.

“Why don’t you take some to Kennedy?”

“I don’t know, I’m not sure she wants to hear from me yet.”

“Then ask her," he states, shoving some goods in a paper bag and giving Ayna. "And don't forget to get her some flowers. Use all that charm of yours."

Ayna smiled, her dad's enthusiasm and charisma has always been contagious, and she wished she inherited enough of it. It was time to go get her woman back.

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