#badbrain

[librarycards]

The thing is having (what was later determined to be “treatment resistant*”) ocd has been a canon Cavar life thing for the majority of my time alive so I don’t particularly doubt it (except inasmuch as I critique psych dx as a carceral technology) however it also does not change the fact that I must hedge my bets and do my insane stuff bc if I slip up, ocd or not, it will be All My Fault

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* people keep calling my various maladies “treatment resistant”. It keeps happening. #WatDatMean. Surely nothing political….

[trojan0405]

Hey folks … I’ve got a big work meeting coming up here in 30mins or so, and I’m kinda freaking out about it. Send some good vibes?? 🥰😬

[hobohobgoblim]

*belly up to the bar*

Me: I'd like a triple serotonin, with a pint of dopamine and an oxytocin chaser please.

Bartender: We're all out.

Me: *rolls eyes* fine. Two pints of stout and a double whiskey then...

[schizobaby-blog]

Can't I just have a normal brain? I don't want no gucci, no pradda, just a brain with less effort.

Ugh, my meds make me so nauseous but it's the only way i get sleep or any semblance of peace.

[newhologram]

Omfg it's so messed up to think that this "I" that thinks it is actually who we are is like a weird cursed alive creation you have to coinhabit a vessel with

Our brains and ego selves are literally roommates who constantly start fights for no freaking reason. Challenge the shit they make you think and say about yourself. You wouldn't live with human roommates like that would you? Hell no

Know how you know you are really you, and not your thoughts? You are the one who is aware of them. Thoughts are recycled coding. Blah, blah, blah. You are the constant. Only you. Goo goo g'joob.

[librarycards]

If you love something but don’t know how to acknowledge your emotions, try to destroy everything you enjoy about it; if you find yourself back there anyway, perhaps it was meant to be.

Hugh Ryan, Safety Third.

[librarycards]

omg. people keep saying this on my post like it's not true. it's literally true. numerical, measurable perfection will save me and displace my need for human love and connection. literally everyone knows this! once i get an A+ in PTSD i will transcend the need for care, communication, and other worldly excesses, and enter the realm of pure thought, an armored bubble no word or limb can penetrate. Everyone knows this!

[librarycards]

But I craved language like sex. I gave myself to each word for close to nothing—pennies or their absence. I let words do things I thought made me more. Teach me taxidermy. Insect collecting techniques. How to boil marrow from bone. How to assemble a body from scraps and hook it up to the national grid.

What else should I have done? My windows stayed open. Like a mouth, the door. Words would come in and spend me like poker chips. They filled me from every angle. They said I was easy.     I let them hollow my bones, fashion my arms into wings. Borrow my air and keep it. Clasp my throat like a flute.     How could I have known that even when murdered in silence, thought is the end of silence?

Romana Iorga, Golem.