Help! What If A Person Has A Human Body At My Wedding?
Dear Prudence, Slate, 17 August 2022:
Q. Am I wrong to think his actions were rude and disrespectful toward me at their family BBQ? I recently met my fiancé’s family for the first time at the family BBQ which his mom and dad organized at their cabin at the lake. Everything went well overall until the end. They seemed like friendly people. The sister initially I thought was a bit stand-offish but by the end, we had a chance to chat and my perspective of her changed. Mind you I am a very intuitive person and I can usually pick up people’s energy. I am also an introvert, so it takes me time to warm up to people. As we were winding down to say goodbye to everyone, I was standing next to my fiancé and directly behind his brother with just a small space between myself and the brother.
The brother decided to let one out loudly. A huge loud fart. This is a full-grown, married man acting in this way. My fiancé’s reaction was to pull me closer to him. His family’s reaction was to scoff it off. I can tell his wife was not pleased but also smiled about it. I felt embarrassed and disrespected but I played it cool until a few days later when I attempted to talk to my fiancé about it, to tell him how I felt. And how I was concerned for this type of behavior to happen at our wedding. His brother had texted him the next day and stated he “felt bad for farting on me.” My fiancé became defensive and angrily stated, “I won’t invite them then if you are worried about your family being disrespected.”
He said I was getting too worked up about it. Am I wrong to think his brother was rude and disrespectful for releasing gas loudly on me? Whether he did it intentionally or not, that’s not something you do in the presence of a stranger you have never met before. I need some advice on how to move forward because I feel like the next family encounter will be awkward, especially if he is going to be my fiancé’s best man at our wedding. Please give me some advice.
-- Rude Welcome Into The Family
Wedding days are fraught enough without the threat of the possibility of a person potentially passing gas somewhere in the general vicinity of the proceedings, the all time worst thing that could ever happen at or to a wedding in the era of overlapping global pandemics and climate-change-induced extreme weather events.
So no, you are emphatically not too worked up about this -- of all the things that could go wrong on your special day, one guy doing a fart is absolutely at the top of the list. When people think of things that could absolutely fucking decimate the day they’ve spent months, even years, planning, they think of a man farting. Brides and grooms the world over lay awake at night, trying to game out every terrifying eventuality that could result in the total destruction of their wedding experience, but none looms so large as: a fart.
You are infinitely kind and patient to entertain the thought that the fart could have been accidental, but we both know that all humans everywhere can contain their gaseous emissions all the time, because all our bodies all work exactly the same, and everyone knows that a barbecue meal of greasy smoked meats accompanied by flavorful greens and soupy baked beans is unlikely to produce alimentary gas! The math simply does not add up! This man is coming for you directly and specifically with his butt! The call is coming from inside this full-grown married man’s rectal cavity, and you mustn’t answer it!
Trust your impeccable intuition for once. And indeed it’s lucky that this gastrointestinal, barbecudinal tragedy befell you, an intuitive person, before your future brother-in-law had a chance to raze an entire church with a toot. A person less attuned to the ~ vibes ~ of the universe might not have recognized this man as the agent of chaos he so clearly is, but you sussed out his nefarious flatus for what it truly is: the sheer essence of disrespect, an intentional and deliberate flatulative assault on you personally, and a warning shot across the bow of your future wedding vows. This man cannot be allowed anywhere near your nuptials, lest the force of his flatulence blow the entire wedding party to kingdom come, a thing he clearly intends to do on purpose because he had gas after eating barbecue one time when you were there.
In fact, you may consider retaining a notary to stand watch at the entry to your venue so that they can witness signatures for those guests who are willing to enter into a contractual agreement not to pass wind for for the following five hours. Attendees who are unwilling to show you this most basic sign of respect by shutting down the normal functions of their human body during an event that probably includes an elaborate sit-down meal could perhaps watch a livestream of the ceremony in the comfort of their own disgusting, fart-filled homes like the repulsive trash goblins they are.
