Rafael writes a secret love letter to Sonny and Carmen finds it and makes sure Sonny gets it.
Oh anon, how dare you daring me with this beautiful prompt!
You can also find the prompt fill on ao3.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you!
Sonny,
This is ridiculous. But there must be some way to get this of my chestand as I clearly cannot do it for real, this be it.
It was my abuelita who told me to keep a diary. Obviously, I never kepta diary. My whole life I barely had time for a private life, where would I findthe time to write every day? What abuelita had meant is to write down all theworries that I couldn’t talk about with anyone. And be sure there were many.Actually, she was right. It had helped. So again, this be it.
Even now writing this, I struggle to find words. If I cannot even manageto find words sitting at my desk writing a letter that no one is ever going toread, how am I supposed to look you in the eyes and say it?
I am flattered by the admiration you grant me. I really am. It is justthat it is so genuinely kind that I cannot help myself but be condescendingabout it. I mean wouldn’t it be weird if I would return your hero-worship withkindness? Do you know what I mean? When you look at me with those beautiful,blue eyes and your beautiful, soft face and ask me something about the law asif I am the only person on the planet who knows about this, what am I supposedto say to be nice? Maybe that is what is wrong with me, that I honestly don’tknow.
There are a lot of things about you that I don’t like. I mean, I don’thave a problem with those things in you as person, but as someone I aminteresting in I usually wouldn’t like them. For starters, I don’t have a thingfor Catholics as I have struggled with the faith long enough myself to dealwith any internalized homophobia ever again. There is something in me, and Iadmit that it could be pure envy or maybe even shame, that makes me cringe atthe overly kind nature with which you meet everyone. One could think you mustsee why you never fit in, what makes people dislike you. It is not just thatyou are trying too hard. You bake cake for your co-workers, you offer youramateur photograph skills to everyone who doesn’t ask and you basicallyco-raise Rollins’ girls. And you do all this without being embarrassed. Youshould see why people feel offended by you. You don’t deserve it of course.That you refuse to change only proves how strong you are. Maybe this is wheremy admiration for you comes from.
Usually, I search in people, as short as my encounters may usually be,what I find in myself. People who love their work more than other people.People who are my age or maybe even a little older, successful and too stuck intheir own ways to let anyone too close.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t need to spell out, which I could do atlength, why you are a very attractive man. Just let me say this much: I like itwhen you get angry, when you draw your eyebrows together and your detectiveexpression spills over your face. Then your eyes shine even bluer than theyalready do. And I don’t like you angry because I am this screwed up, I like youthis way because then your passion for the things you believe in shows. And Ihave to admit that this is just breathtaking.
So I can see how I like to think about having you in my bed. But justthis morning, and this is why I write this letter, I imagined you to be in mykitchen. As you might guess my kitchen is barely used but I can see you inthere making breakfast. And it scares me so much that this is what I want. Whatscares me most of all is that if you were in my bed and in my kitchen, I wouldlike you to stay.
And, Sonny, this is the reason why I will never say or do anything:Besides all the problems with us being co-workers, compromising our work, whichis putting sex criminals to justice after all, (and oh, by the way, are youeven queer?) besides all these problems, I adore you. You and your big, stupidheart deserve all the things that make you happy in life. Quite frankly, Ibelieve that I am not able to give you these.
I’m such a fool. Even if this letter is only imaginary and no one isgoing to read this, I am not able to spell out the words.
I guess there must be a reason why it is not called raising in love, butfalling in love.
What do I have left to say? Just be happy, Sonny, this is all I want.And if I can help you, tell me.
Yours,
Rafael
Carmen hadn’t read the whole letter obviously.Indeed, she had stopped somewhere after the third paragraph, because she wouldnever be able to look her boss in the eyes again. As curious as she is, shefeels like she had walked in on some very private, very intimate moment.
Nevertheless, Carmen feels warmlytouched by the vulnerability in Barba’s soft words.
Certainly, Carmen knows that behind hisarmor of fancy suits and sarcasm, Rafael Barba is a very kind and sweet man. Aman who doesn’t trust easily and even less easily opens his heart. And for asmuch as Carmen appreciates him not just as her boss, but also as a person, shethinks that Barba deserves to have a life outside of his office.
Carmen had gathered from the firstthree paragraph that no one is supposed to ever read the letter and while sheshould certainly respect that, she had also gathered that Barba seems to bedeeply hurt. And she thinks that there is really no need.
As she had never understood thosepeople who don’t like to interfere in other people’s lives, she decides to dosomething about it. And as desired, life had done her the favor to have leftthe letter next to the documents of their present case that she is supposed tocollect into a folder. She could feign ignorance. It is not her fault that thisletter accidently got between all those rape kit reports and interrogationprotocols. Barba wouldn’t even suspect her.
So far so good, so allshe has to do now is to make sure that Detective Carisi picks up the folder.Given that he finds a reason to step by Barba’s office every other day, thatshouldn’t be hard.
Sonny reads the letter in theelevator of the DA’s office.
He had come by directly when Carmenhad called him to tell him that Barba asks him to go through the files of theirpresent case. He had open the case folder first chance he got when Carmen hadtold him that Barba is acting cranky.
But the folder, the case, everythingis completely forgotten when he sees the letter.
From one second to another, his wholebody turns hot.
When he arrives on the ground floor,Sonny makes a beeline for the restroom.
Inside of the restroom, he lockshimself inside of a stall, puts the toilet lid down and sits down.
He reads the letter.
He reads the letter again.
He reads the letter a third time.
Lastly, he checks the names a coupleof times. It says Sonny three times and it is signed with Rafael. Sonny alsorecognizes the handwriting of the DA.
Clearly, he had not been supposed tosee the letter, but it had reached him. He had read it. He wouldn’t be able topretend that it is not there.
He calls Carmen.
“Where is he?”, he asks without anygreeting.
“He’s in court for the rest of theday. Why?”, she asks innocently.
“Which courtroom?”
“5a.”
“Okay, thanks, bye.”
Sonny gets up and considers whetheror not he should just ride back up and tear Barba (or should he say Rafael now?)out of the courtroom for a couple of minutes. In fact, he only thinks aboutwith what excuse he would interrupt the trial and then what he is actually going to tell him?
Life crosses his plans when Liv callshim to a bank a couple of blocks away where a security camera had just caughtglimpse of their perp.
As it turns out, Sonny is going tochase the perp for about four and a half blocks, end up spraining his ankle andback at the precinct manage to get a confession out of him.
It is nearly 1 am when Sonny finallyhas the chance to go home.
But there is no way Sonny can waitany longer. This is not something that anyone could ask from him. The whole daysince he had read the letter, he had managed to keep it well hidden in the backof his head. His heart had been overpowered by bewildered numbness, but theshutter is open now and his emotions flow freely.
With his last drop of sanity, hetakes a quick shower at the precinct and grabs his extra suit out of hislocker.
He wouldn’t go back home this night.
In the cab on the way to Barba’sapartment, Sonny does what he had been wanting to do all day. Read the letter again.And again.
Hestill doesn’t know what to say when he knocks at Barba’s door. You said you would help me?
Barbadoesn’t open right away, because of course the man is asleep in the middle ofthe night.
Whenhe finally does open the door, he blinks at him sleepily.
“Carisi,what are you doing here? And what is this?”
Helooks at the bag with the suit in his hand where Sonny also happens to hold theletter. Barba’s eyes widen in shock. “Is this…?” Barba looks like someone hadpunched him the face. “No, you haveto pretend that you never saw this!” Barba hides his eyes behind his palms.“This is not real. Really, Carisi, you have to forget this.”
Sonnysteps inside and closes the door behind him and locks it.
Barbais now cursing in Spanish, still hiding his face behind his hands.
Sonnywalks up to Barba, gently grabs him by the wrists and confidently moves hishands away from his eyes.
“No,no, Carisi”, Barba mutters, but Sonny ducks to make him look him into his eyes.
