When an artist is not listening to what I’m saying or taking direction from me, I just bad-mouth them around the Radio 1 building and then they’ll be off the Radio 1 playlist and out of popular society within 3 to 4 months. #seeya
So I found this absolute GEM of a book at my library. I’ve never read published DW fic before now, so when I found a copy of Only Human and The Stone Rose, I had to give them a whirl. I LOVE Only Human. The book was a combined future-past story.
Part of it appeals to my weird sense of humor. There was definitely body horror in a way that could have easily squicked me out but didn’t. It was hilarious, and also would have been difficult to translate to film (especially with the Nine CGI era). One thing that originally frustrated me from a historical standpoint thrilled me by correcting itself with current theories (but it happens at the end of the book so spoilers under the cut).
So the basic premise is Neanderthal in the present. Jack stays with him in the present, and Rose and the Doctor go to his time to fix what happened and figure out who’s behind it, and meet weirdo people from the future. And by that, I mean it’s basically the Giver, aka nobody experiences any real emotion because it’s all regulated with pills. Plus genetic experiment hijinks.
Let’s just say I was hooked from the very beginning. Basically it’s a seven-year old talking about how her cat’s been naughty and how animals aren’t very logical, but then gets weirder and creepier until we get to this bit:
“My Weekend”
“...I thought it would be a good idea to improve Dusty so she would be happier and would understand not to be naughty. (She goes to her room and draws out her thoughts like any kid might do. So far, so good).
‘Then I called Dusty into my room and set to work, using Mother’s cutters and things from her work-kit. First I took off her tail, which I consider to be a bit pointless in its present form, so I stretched it and made it scaly. Then I opened Dusty up and moved her organs about to make them more logical. Then I took her head off, pulled her brain out, and studied it. It is very primitive, not really what you’d call a brain at all.
‘I got out one of Mother’s gene sprays and dialed it to make Dusty more ferocious at catching mice and better at breeding. I made it so she would never wee again. Then I put all her its back together and took her downstairs to show my parents....”
So yeah, that is definitely what we are dealing with here.
Plus hijinks with Jack (including nudity), along with trying to teach the ways of the world to a Neanderthal who doesn’t understand the concept of lying.
Another golden quote:
There was another uncomfortable silence.
“You’re mouth’s very big,” Jacob said suddenly.
Rose realized he was talking to her. “I don’t know what to say to that.”
“Where did you get it?” asked Jacob.
Rose looked to the Doctor for help. “Same place I got my ears,” he said.
“Hmm, they’re pretty huge as well. Were they a mistake?” asked Jacob.
“You should sue, getting those,” said Tom. “My sister Val threatened to sue Face Plus when she got one blue eye, one brown eye. They told her it didn’t matter, and she should just take combo 553/22 and get used to them, but she stood her ground and in the end they gave her a refund and three new eyes.”
“You can always do with a spare,” said Jacob, nodding.
Rose decided this as one of those conversations she wasn’t going to follow.
And lastly, a spoiler-y one (so don’t read this if you’re intrigued and want to read it yourself).
“Not now,” said Chantal. she looked into the blood in the tube. ‘I had to really up the dose on your popper pack to make sure it would get past your defenses. Now you’ve got a massive dose of general well-being flooding your brain, which I’m also curious about.”
“I can tell you all about my brain too,” said the Doctor. “Later?”
“Later.” Chantal put the tube down and said, “Your heart’s beating very slowly, though, Doctor.”
The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? Which one?”
“This one, the right.” Chantal replied, and she held it up, a big throbbing meaty lump, for him to see.
He realized that Chantal had opened up his chest and was poking around in it, taking bits out and putting bits in. And something inside him, buried away in a dark corner of his mind, didn’t like the idea.
Then let’s not get over the fact that Rose is roped into marrying a caveman, that she does so with a fur bikini and the Great Fish of Matrimony,
There’s also fodder stuff for the shippers, if that’s your thing, with one scene involving the Doctor using Rose’s name no less than 15 times.
THEN (spoiler) (and I’m noting it because humor works on surprise, y’all, so if you read the book you don’t want me to spoil it).
.
.
.
.
.
LET’S NOT FORGET ROSE REALIZING
SHE HAS BEEN DECAPITATED
and her body is in a cupboard, bumping up against the door.
Can you imagine if this was filmed? Rose’s headless body bumping into stuff while her head’s strapped to a table? While genetically engineered monsters run amok and everyone’s drugged not to be scared but they’re still getting scared anyways?
It’s hilarious.
Like this whole thing comes thiiissss close to my squick line but the humor makes it work somehow.
Oh, and the fact that they used the theory that Cro Magnon murdered all the Neanderthals throughout the book, then at the end, the future humans make peace with everyone and the two tribes inbreed instead! Like yes! Science! I was mad and then you went and flipped it on me.
