From "The Sunny Side of the Street" (1905) by Marshall P. Wilder
While Mr. Harrison was president I became pleasantly acquainted with his son Russell, who, having read of President Cleveland's very kind treatment of me when I went to him with a letter of introduction from Henry Ward Beecher, wanted me to meet his father and gave me a letter to that effect. My visit to the White House was quite impressive to me. Soon after I reached Chamberlain's, at Washington, a messenger arrived and informed me that the President had received my letter of introduction and desired me to call the next morning at ten o'clock, which I did.
After passing the sentinels at the door I was taken into the room of Mr. Private Secretary "Lije" Halford, who greeted me cordially and said: "Mr. Wilder, the president will see you." I was ushered into Mr. Harrison's presence, and the following conversation ensued:
"Mr. President, this is Mr. Wilder."
"How do you do, Mr. Wilder?"
"How do you do, Mr. President?"
A profound silence followed; it seemed to me to be several minutes long; then I said:
"Good-day, Mr. President."
After leaving the room I turned to Mr. Halford, raised my coat-tails and asked:
"Won't you please kick me?"
Of course I had to refer to the incident in my monologue that season, for it isn't every day that a professional entertainer is invited to call at the White House. But I did not care to tell exactly what occurred, so I adopted an old minstrel joke and said:
"I called on the president the other day. I walked in, in a familiar way, and said, 'How do you do, Mr. President?' He said, 'Sir, I cannot place you.' 'Well,' I replied, 'that's what I'm here for.' "
I afterward heard that President Harrison was very cold and lacked cordiality; still later I discovered, with my own eyes and ears, that he had a kind heart and genial nature. One summer while I was at Saratoga I was asked by Mr. W. J. Arkell to Mount McGregor, to meet President Harrison at dinner and to become a member of a fishing party. The occasion was the president's birthday, and the invitation was the more welcome when I learned that a list of the people at the Saratoga hotels had been shown the president, who had himself selected the guests for his birthday celebration. At Mount McGregor I found, as one always finds, wherever the President of the United States is staying a few days, thirty or forty newspaper correspondents, all of whom I knew and most of whom professed to doubt my ability to make the president laugh. This did not worry me, for I don't love trouble enough to look ahead for it, and dinner time, when the laughing was to begin, was a few hours distant.
We all went by carriage to a stream about five miles away and all helped fill the president's basket with fish, for which he got full credit, in the next day's newspapers. My own contributions were few and small, for I never was a good fisherman. So I was grateful when Russell Harrison took me to a little pool where he was sure we would have great luck. But not a bite did either of us get. Then I recalled something that a veteran fisherman played on me when I was too young to be suspicious; it was to beat the water to attract the attention of the fish. Russell kindly assisted me at beating the water, but the fish beat us both by keeping away.
When we got back to the hotel and to the banquet it was announced that there were to be no speeches, but the president would make a few remarks and I would be called on for a few stories. Consequently I had no mind or appetite for dinner, for most of the guests were newspaper men who had been surfeited with stories ever since they entered the business, and the most important listener would be the president, who the boys had said I couldn't make laugh.
I was still mentally searching my repertoire, although I had already selected a lot of richness, when the president arose and made some general remarks. But it was impossible for him to forget that at this same place Mount McGregor, Ex-President Grant breathed his last, so Mr. Harrison's concluding remarks were on the line that any other whole-hearted American would have struck in similar circumstances. As I am a whole-hearted American myself, they struck me just where I live, and I am not ashamed to confess that they knocked me out.
So, when I was called upon, I declined to respond. Several friends came to my chair and whispered : "Go ahead, Marsh." "Don't lose the chance of your life; don't you know whatever is said at this dinner will be telegraphed all over the United States?" But I held my tongue or it held itself. There is a place for every thing; a table at which the President of the United States had just been talking most feelingly of the pathetic passing of another president was no place for a joke much less for a budget of jokes, so instead of making the president laugh I allowed the newspaper men to have the laugh on me. In the circumstances they were welcome to it.
I allowed the newspaper men to have a laugh on me. Nevertheless I succeeded, for the president succeeded in breaking the strain upon him, and later in the day at his own cottage he transfixed me with a merry twinkle of his eye and said:
"Marshall, what's this story you've been telling about your visit to the White House?"
I saw I was in for it, so I repeated the minstrel joke, already recorded. He laughed so heartily that there wasn't enough unbroken ice between us to hold up a dancing mosquito, so I made bold to tell him that some men insisted that he did not appreciate humor. Then he laughed again; I wish I could have photographed that laugh, for there was enough worldly wisdom in it to lessen the number of cranks and office seekers at the White House for years to come. But I hadn't much time to think about it, for we began swapping yarns and kept at it so long that I suddenly reminded myself, with a sense of guilt, that I was robbing the ruler of the greatest nation on earth of some of his invaluable time. Never mind about my own stories that evening, but here is one that President Harrison told me, to illustrate the skill of some men in talking their way out of a tight place.
There was a man in Indiana who had a way of taking his own advice, though he generally had to do things afterward to get even with himself. He was a hog dealer, and one season he drove a lot of hogs to Indianapolis, about a hundred miles distant, though he could get nearly as good a price at a town much nearer home. Arrived at Indianapolis, he learned that prices had gone down, so he held on for a rise, but when offered a good price he stood out for more, and insisted that if he did not get it he would drive the hogs back home, which he finally did, and sold them for less than was offered him in the city. When one of his friends asked him why he had acted so unwisely he replied:
"I wanted to get even with them city hog-buyers."
"Well, they didn't get my hogs."
"But what did you get out of the transaction?"
"Get? Why, bless your thick skull, I got the society of the hogs all the way back home."
I had long been puzzled as to the origin of the word "jay," as applied to "easy marks" among countrymen, and I told the president so. He modestly admitted that I had come to the right shop for information; then he told me this story:
"Winter was coming on and a blue jay made up his mind that he would prepare for it. He found a vacant hut with a knot-hole in the roof, and he said to himself, 'Here's a good place to store my winter supplies,' so he began to collect provender. His acquaintances who passed by saw what he was doing; then they laughed and took a rest, for they knew how to get in by the side door. Whenever he dropped a nut or a bit of meat through the knot-hole they would hop in below and gobble it. So, Marshall, next time you hear any one called a 'jay' I'm sure you'll know what it means."
The next morning, when we all met on the president's special train en route to Saratoga, my newspaper friends twitted me anew on not having made the president laugh, but I said: "Now, boys, you wait." Then I was so impudent as to approach the president and say:
"Mr. President, I am very glad to have had you with me on this fishing trip, and I hope whenever you want to go off on a similar affair you will let me know it. At the foot of the mountain a band of music and escort of troops are waiting for me, and in the hurry I may not be able to say good-bye to you, so I say it now."But not one eyelash of the president quivered as he shook hands with me and replied: "Glad to have met you, Mr. Wilder," so the newspaper boys certainly did have the laugh on me.
But the day was still young. Arrived at the Saratoga depot, all hurried into carriages. Waiting until all were seated and started in procession, I found an open landau and gave the driver the name of my hotel. "All right, Mr. Wilder," was the reply, which did not startle me, for I am pretty well known in Saratoga by the cabbies and the police. I said:
"Make a short cut, get out of the crowd and get me to the hotel as soon as possible, so I may avoid the parade." He endeavored to get out, but he got in; and in trying to extricate himself he succeeded in driving through the band and past the troops and finally beside the carriages of the president and his guests. I took advantage of the occasion; as I passed the president I stood up (though it made little difference whether I sat or stood, for not much of me was visible over the top of the carriage door) and I bowed my prettiest. The president raised his hat, as did the other guests, and I led that procession down Saratoga's Broadway, the sidewalks of which were crowded with New York and Brooklyn people who knew me and to whom I bowed, right and left, to the end of the route, where one of the newspaper men said :
"Marsh usually gets there."