you are your f/os first ever love. they were so invested with their life long dream and inevitable career path that they never glanced much at relationships. their friends and family had their fair share, but not them.
but it started when you met them, whether through their career or out of work hours. you took a liking to them. their personality spoke out to you. they had a charm that sparkled to your eyes. their attitude and behavior just hit the right places. you hung out with them a bit outside their work, and if you got lucky, during their breaks.
you caught the feelings for them. it was bound to happen. not only that, but you knew it was going to be one sided. they loved the life they had already. they had a good reputation, a stable schedule, a job to keep them busy. they were set. and you were fine with it, you guess. you'll just wait for the feelings to die out over time, or you'll run into someone new.
you notice a shift in them. its subtle at first. they twitched more in places where they kept steady, they were noisy when trying to work quietly, they made a lil more mistakes than usual. then it hot more severe. a growing frequency in clumsiness, a voice that now easily cracked, a blank canvas that quickly showed deep color.
you thought, 'something must have happened. are they alright?' you worry for them as the signs become more visible day to day. 'i should see if theyre okay. will they even open up to me? maybe if i go slow. i hope they dont mind if i pry a little.'
you both take the time to get together again, on days off where you can relax. the symptoms still show through them, and you worry, but not too physically. you have a normal night, going around to entertain yourselves and find joy in whatever you both did. theres a park you both find and take your seats at the nearest bench. when the air feels right after a moment, you speak.
"are you okay?" its such a sudden question that you both look surprised. "i mean i ask because... well you havent been, yourself, i guess. i mean ive seen how youve been acting. and you noticed it too i think. maybe. i just... i wwnna know if youre okay is all."
theres no words from them at first. only some hums and coughs to fill the air. a few letters roll off the tongue but its in awful stutters. they fidget their fingers individually and shift their lower halves on the seat. you start to feel bad, and regret asking.
"sorry i... i didnt think it would be hard for you. you really dint have to answer, honestly." you sound sincere and careful with your words. you clasp your hands together to stay reserved. "i'll understand."
but those hands become unclasped from your own grip, as they meet a new pair. its so quick that you couldnt process the physical actions in time before the sounds your hear reach your ears.
both bodies are still and cold like theyve died just then, until you look up and see theyve only kept eyes on the tangled fingers. their face giving off so much heat, like its a light source.
"i didnt, uhm... i-i mean i didnt know for sure at first... when i first started to have them, i thought they were fake. or that i mistook them for platonic ones. but i started having thoughts that, well, they very clearly were not that." theres a feeling of soft skin trailing back and forth on the back of your hand. "these feelings... i havent had them in so long, i honestly thought they were merely there for one time of my life. but with you. i... its... i like you. i really do."
youre shaking a little. your body's gotten a bit warmer, but youre jittering as if its in the negative. the tip of your nose is so cold but your cheeks are so toasty. if it werent for the feeling of their hands, you'd think you were passed out.
it doesnt take more than 5 seconds for the typical questions to start. when did the feelings come up? when did you realize what they were? how did you know it for sure? most importantly.
after a night of reflections, a few more for dates, a couple for anniversaries, and a pack of special occasions, i think the answer is clear.
