#boney rant

[tillbonesshowsideways]

After a mistake i committed a few days ago that i vaguely posted about i think I'll cut down on all unnecessary costs

I payed about $960 for a crown for the one fucking tooth (which i didn't know at the time is apparently really overpriced here; i told both parents about going to this clinic to get my exposed nerve tooth fixed and they didn't say it's overpriced despite apparently knowing, and because i never thought of them as options for help for "small things" i ended paying the $960 without checking in with anybody first cause i always got called an idiot then told to use my brain or stop being so dependent already when i was a kid [either by my sisters or mother] and so i ended up paying $960 for something i apparently could've gotten with maybe third that amount) and when i canceled the appointment i booked (because the receptionist made me pay for the service when booking the appointment for it for some fucking reason) and attempted to get a refund they kept blowing me off and everyone decided that's the moment to tell me I'm not getting the money back (opposed to before i got to the fucking clinic in the first place). We decided afterwards to just book the appointment again and use the money they already took from me to get the damn crown so i can fuck off and never have to see that shitty building again

I felt like such a fucking dumbass and failure for this entire time because of this. I get it's my first experience with this but holy fuck i should've known better man. Anyways father said he'll pay me the amount back from a loan he's taking (because apparently someone out there is willing to give money to a 60 year old man with blood pressure issues, diabetes, and heart attacks) because that's apparently a good idea when he already has so many debts he keeps taking money from his children and everyone around him (although to be fair begging for money might just be a hobby of his by this point it's like hunting for sport for him for some reason)

I honestly still don't know what the fuck to do or think. I guess the shame and embarrassment are going away a bit slowly? But I'm still pissed off by my own fucking stupidity

So anyway. I'm thinking of canceling the subscription i have (a membership to a youtuber). The only subscription i have going on right now which i just calculated/converted and is apparently 4 fucking dollars monthly lol. I don't get how that on its own is going to compensate me for being an idiot but that's not the point; it won't just be $4. I'll try to cut ALL unnecessary expenses. No more diet soda, no more food on the weekends when family is ordering, no more snacks when dizzy/hungry, and no more membership

Maybe I'll keep the hair cutting and dye thing until i feel like i financially recovered enough which i know probably sounds fucked but I'm genuinely disturbed by the fact the clinic took $1500 from me for one tooth (i also had to pay for first appointment which was the temporary filling and the first checkup or whatever they call it). Now my mother knows my father is willing to give me the $1500 back + the $135 he took from me hours ago because yes, my father really saw an opportunity where if he promises to give me money later he can just get money from me now a few days after i got swindled. He's that kinda guy. Funnily enough i got swindled and still have more money than the fucking retired boomer who gets 16 times the money i get in a month. I say winning despite my stupidity being a fucking condition i guess

Anyways. Mother knows about the money which means there's at least a 70% chance she'll come up to me a day or two later asking to loan it to her as a "debt" after i get it. This chunk of my savings might never truly belong to me again because of my stupidity. I have about the same amount i spent on my tooth in my savings account still and luckily no one knows about that one still. So I'm not "totally" financially fucked but also i kind of am because half of my savings might never belong to me again unless I'm willing to say "no and fuck off" to anyone asking to have it which would fuck me over in other ways

So. I'm really sad it has come down to this but I'm on the member perks page trying to consider if those $4 really are worth depriving myself of one of the things that brought me joy and made me feel normal and like a part of a community filled with nice chill supportive people. Same thing with the soda and snacks and "maybe" weekend meals (it's not every weekend cause i sometimes say no cause it costs money you know). Is it really worth it. Should i have waited a few months more to say i wanted a haircut cause they'll ask why if i say i want to dely it now and if i say because it costs money they'll give me a shocked pitiful guilty look before saying they'll pay for me if i think $13 is too much for me right now. I'm like laughing and almost tearing up thinking about that right now. This situation makes me want to laugh and cry while screaming at the same time

Reminded me of the time i went to a clothes shop with my sisters and mother a few years ago and found a shirt i really loved and didn't have any like it in my wardrobe but also only had about $5 in my bank account which was literally the shirts price so i had to choose between having a 0 in my account or keeping the money just in case. I honestly don't remember the shirt or what i chose that much (i think i either left it or bought it with cash?) i just remember in the car afterwards when we were talking and i think someone asked me why i didn't buy/didn't buy more and i said i didn't have the money and they immediately all went "haaa wait whaaat??? That's why?! Seriously! You could've just told us damn it we would've gladly gotten it for you" and i tried to back pedal or give another reason so they wouldn't be as pissed off. Interesting they had that reaction when they used to make fun of me for not coming with my money/not having money when i went outside with them as a kid (because i was the kind of kid to forgot their glasses when going to school at the morning of course I'd forget a fucking wallet if i didn't know the value of money that much). All of a sudden I'm not a burden anymore and it's "you should've told us if you were struggling that much damn it"

So. I'm now letting out some real heavy sighs while contemplating. I know $4 ain't shit in this economy maybe more especially in his country but i guess it's something when the months pile up. I also have this feeling of not wanting to keep any loose ends. I don't think I'll be able to show up in chat anymore if i cancel it. I'll probably feel the need to explain why and i don't want to bring their moods down or end up rambling for no reason. Also maybe youtubers get notified of canceled memberships anyway? So maybe he'll know either way. I honestly don't know

I guess i can be a member again in the future. But for now i have to think about my future and atone for my stupidity. I can "live" and "feel like a normal person" once I'm done worrying every day over money and potential homelessness in a few years

I put "other unexpected payments" as my reason after choosing "other". I'm hopefully coming back for you one day oldman. Just not now

[tillbonesshowsideways]

The hell is wrong with this morning dude it has it out for me i swear

First off the niblings that are currently living with us were testing my patience and i felt like shit just going quiet sometimes and not engaging with them but i had spent a few good hours working on something of theirs (a small toy they each got one of as a gift; it's a lego-ish set of different characters. The pieces are too small for them to actually put it together and it takes me the grown ass adult at least half an hour to put one of the sets together) and i was hungry and overwhelmed and they were continuing to laugh about me being upset and continued to yell at each other and be loud after being told not to cause there's people asleep nearby. Also they stained the carpet and i feel like shit about it cause they were supposedly under my watch when they were playing with the markers but i didn't notice that while coloring they had been going out of the page and on the carpet. I tried to clean the stain but ink. We don't have any rubbing alcohol and internet says it's the best thing to lift ink out

Then the fucking george foreman ish grill/toaster fucking let out a small explosion sound accompanied by a spark that freaked the shit out of me when i turned on the power in the wall outlet. That outlet and the one next to it no longer work they're fried and I'm too much of a pussy to figure out if the grill works or not by myself cause i don't wanna turn it on and fry another outlet or cause a fucking fire. I was making sandwiches for them when it happened and they complained about having to eat microwaved sandwiches instead of toasted but i aint testing that bitch before a professional does in his shop

And now my stomach is being a bitch for some reason

I just wanted to chill but noooo. Fuck me and what i want. I'll try to quickly eat again then wrap my secret santa gift and go the fuck asleep as soon as possible i don't wanna curse anything else right now and have it explode in my face again

[tillbonesshowsideways]

Niblings finished the rest of my zero soda then i was basically forced to watch over them for like 30 minutes cause i was preparing to sleep before they came in the room but then i realized they were alone in the living room and i can't handle letting them stay alone again after what happened to the 5 year old's eye last time they stayed (almost) completely alone

They're too comfortable and used to coming over to the room and entering it (sometimes without knocking) just cause they're bored or having a minor dispute or wanna ask me something or just wanna chat. Love them but I'll never get used to 5 kids yelling "auntie auntie auntie" and talking over each other at once

It feels like i have to stay with the door locked if i don't want a child to suddenly enter at their whim and put their hands all over my things and finishing my foods and drinks and wanting me to entertain them and randomly looking through my things and opening drawers. I try to gently yet firmly say no when they do something that annoys me but they just do it compulsively they're too young to really think twice

I wanted to fucking sleep dude mother wants to drag my ass with her for a long road trip and hassle tomorrow

They're innocent and mean good and it's not their fault but I'm just tired and pissed off that my privacy and personal space keep getting violated by 5 bored kids who see their cockroach aunt as cool for having an old big pc with a few games on it and a dead beetle in a small jar. At least they're not coming in searching for the calculator like they used to saying they wanna play with it

I'm overwhelmed and cranky and wanna go out to prepare food to eat it cause my stomach hurts from eating a bit of candy but I'm still hungry. But they'll cling onto me almost immediately and I'll have to stay with hyperactive gremlins if their mom isn't anywhere around anymore and went back to sleep or something? I'm only alone right now while writing this cause sister in law showed up so i went back to "sleep". But now I'm hungry and cranky and miss my soda and don't wanna deal with hyperactive kids

The fact that i feel that i let them down by being the way i am doesn't help. I'm really not a good aunt or something i just try to not be a shitty person around them and they still get ecstatic about it. I let them down and made mistakes and acted like a shithead so many times but they still run up to me and hug me. I don't deserve that and they don't deserve to deal with me while I'm still trying to forgive myself for things they don't even remember or care about. I can't deal with this effectively if they keep popping up in my face the way they do

Wait. Is this what being a big sibling is like? I'm aware my siblings had to suffer in one way or another when i was still their baby sibling but it wasn't on purpose damn it i was a kid i don't need karma making me live the experience as some sort of punishment

[tillbonesshowsideways]

Hello to my vent/mental diary blog :>

I'm 23F. She/her. Ace

Tumblr wouldn't let me add links to my old pinned so i made this one :(

A side blog/other account related to @tillbonesshow

I talk about heavy topics and my every day life+my thoughts. These topics include but are not limited to: EDs i used to struggle with - sh in general - occasional existential crisis/ish stuff - suicidal ideation - masochism (not to be confused with sexual masochism please) - blood/gore/violence(no pics just text)- intrusive thoughts - abuse - trauma(?) - enmeshment - possible sa stuff - neglect - emotional incest - religious trauma - derealization/depersonalization - and possible other similar and related things. I try to add TWs but sometimes i don't either because i didn't know this needed a tw or because i forgot to so consider this your tw! Be careful while scrolling here if i might trigger you. I don't mind being blocked and i encourage it if you want to! If you want me to add a tw to some of my posts going on forward just send me a dm/ask about it and I'll try my best to remember it and add it

Moots are of course free to interact :> strangers too! Just be aware that i do block freely if i don't like what i see but i usually don't have shitty people interacting with me anyway so i don't really need a dni and don't block much. Just a disclaimer i guess

I struggle a lot with responding quickly btw so just keep that in mind

I use this blog a lot more than the other one

Anyway. Enjoy and go punch a nazi i guess

Current mood:

[tillbonesshowsideways]

I feel horrible

I said somewhat horrible things today and was defensive despite her not being that horrible at the moment, much more so because of the past

She came into the room (what's supposed to be mine) and saw i have many water bottles on the ground and started making me fun of me for it/making it a big deal (we only just got a working water cooler, we had to rely on plastic water bottles for drinking water for months now), and i was a bit defensive about it saying it's normal i just put the opened bottles back in the fridge (away from closed ones, i drank from the opened ones on the floor and don't want someone accidentally ingesting my saliva without knowing). She went about it for like a minute, i didn't brush it off or laugh with her and insult myself just for her sake, and she started counting them, shocked i had 17 water bottles in the room that I'm going to drink eventually

I was a bit mean about it, she had a whole mini lecture afterwards saying she only makes comments and criticism because she knows if it was someone else they would make fun of me and tell everyone. She brought up something about defending me in front of people and i replied with "you never defended me in front of anyone anyways. Whenever you talked about defending me in the past when people insulted me to your face you'd say i didn't give you a reason to defend me" (true). She had a one second pause then went 'i do defend you.. okay maybe i didn't in the past' and repeated the same thing of not having a reason to defend me in first place, even if I'm not actively hurting someone just being comfortable with myself or being awkward/a little weird or looking horrible (bad mental health makes maintaining hygiene and a decent look harder you know). She even admitted that it's not a bad thing necessarily i have this many bottles, just weird, even though she did try arguing at first that 'I'm wasting water' (couldn't come up with a decent argument as to how I'm wasting water if I'm drinking it afterwards)

I just hate this. Feeling like a shitty person now even though i know she's not upset or mad and what i said was true and I'm valid for not shutting up and letting her nitpick every single thing about me and the room, but i did let some bitterness and anger show just because of how i was treated in the past rather than because of her current treatment and attitude

[tillbonesshowsideways]

I think making fun of "cringe" and "edgy" and "sappy" and whatever else has done us all a very big disservice in general

Everyone is all "don't bottle up your emotions that's not healthy!" but then they hear someone say how they genuinely feel/vent and respond to them with "14 year old edge lord"

So am i supposed to not be bottling up my emotions or am i not allowed to vent/talk if I'm gonna do it "like an edge lord"? Congratulations, now countless people feel uncomfortable with saying how they feel because they'll feel awkward for sounding like an angsty teen in a drama movie/show even though being an angsty teen isn't fiction or something to be embarrassed about, maybe being angry and using words to describe how you feel sometimes even if it's a bit dramatic isn't related to age and we shouldn't be making fun of teenagers talking about their emotions to begin with

Everyone is all "cringe culture is dead!" until somebody cries in a show/movie/in public (god forbid that someone is a man/boy) or someone online uses a phrase like "I'm numb and don't see the point in living anymore"

[tillbonesshowsideways]

I think she got upset ish? But honestly I'm too in my own feels to even entertain the idea of giving a shit about a 50 year old pouting after what she said

Middle sis is staying the night and sleeping in the room that mother used to sleep in. Now mother is technically out of options for sleeping alone. Kids took the big bedroom. Sis took the guests room. Sister in law and brother sleep in one of the two other bedrooms; and i sleep in the other

She mockingly asked me if she can sleep in "my room" all smiles and acting coy about it in a sarcastic way knowing i can't say no. I'm just trying to process the fact it happened again and i knew it would happen but it still doesn't hurt any less mentally. I stayed mostly silent when she asked and honestly i don't remember what i said when i replied but it wasn't mean nor outright welcoming. I guess she's upset about it because she's now saying she'll sleep on the couches in the living room (she didn't really consider it an option before because kids mainly stay in the living room and would bother her if she's asleep) or go to another room to sleep in but not "mine"

Tearing up in the kitchen over it cause I'm a pathetic little shit

They're treating the room i sleep in like a damn storage anyway and i knew this would happen eventually

They give me a place or something to cling onto before taking it away from me while mocking me because they know nothing i own is completely mine except for things they have no interest in. She loves "teasing" me about the fact I'll never have a room be actually mine. It starts with one person sleeping over and them putting in some things to store occasionally then turns into me having to grab all the things i need and walk with them in hand while looking for a hallway or something to stay in four days in a row cause they want to sleep in the room so they politely kick me out and i stay somewhere random feeling like shit

Why did i even actually choose the furniture and think of decorating the place. I knew it wasn't mine but i daydreamed about it anyway after spending hours looking at beds and mirrors and whatnot. I got used to calling it mine already. Everytime i slip up and call it mine instead of the girls' room (the name of the room i used to mostly sleep in in the old apartment) i feel like stabbing myself

She's humiliated, broken down, bitter and now in turn she wants to humiliate me too at every chance she gets

[tillbonesshowsideways]

You ever just look at something humans made and go "if another animal was able to understand this and saw it or if a person from the past would've been able to see this; they would call it magic"

Kinda reminding me of the outlast patient saying the doc told him that people of the past would've seen technology/science and say it's magic but if you showed magic to a person today they would call it science. Scientists are just overworked less cooler wizards. Me relating to a patient (or any character really) from outlast is probably not a good sign

It's kinda hard for me to visualize a life unlike our current one. Without the ability to literally share what your eyes see in a second to people all across the world. We could've been so cool if we weren't this fucking nasty and vile in general as a species. I don't necessarily hate my body specifically or anyone else's body but i do hate the fact we had to have one and that it's so easily destructible and hurt

Anyways fuck the current events and the assholes that are causing them and making me think this way