#grave roommate

[tillbonesshowsideways]

"The honor of trying" will always feel either like a battle scar or a participation trophy no in between

[tillbonesshowsideways]

I'm done with this shit. Why did we have to move into the ground floor apartment just fucking why

Asshat had been showing up to the window near my bed like this

Whenever she knows I'm in the room and she stips out into the internal courtyard (or whatever they call it) and just stares at me for a second before smiling and laughing for disturbing me when she catches me off guard

Already happened twice since we moved in and the second time just happened (i wasn't disturbed by her this time because i had a hunch she would do it when i heard noises outside)

It's making whatever i have going on mentally with my sense of time and space (life in general really) worse cause now i keep imagining people standing by the window when I'm trying to sleep. I know she finds this comedic and entertaining and will bully and continue to laugh at my expense if i tell her to stop so i won't but I'm fucking done. I want to just keep the curtains shut now because I'll keep imagining her face at the window but i like air flow too and don't wanna cut that off

Ugh. Maybe I'll just give her no reaction next time or wait with an open water bottle so i splash it in her face pretending to be scared and doing it out of reflex but I'm terrible at this kind of acting

[tillbonesshowsideways]

Still stressed over an ATM machine eating my cash and only giving back my card and shutting down immediately after it. Nobody from bank has contacted me about it yet and my complaint hasn't had anything done about it yet :(

They're saying the expected date for this issue to be solved by is 29. It shouldn't take this long dude your machine ate my money give it back to me that's it

[tillbonesshowsideways]

Me when I'm upset cause the brain rot/fog got to me again and i forgot to say "i don't have money" when they ask for money. Now I'm out of thousands I'm supposed to have in my account but they got instead as a "debt"

Anyways. I guess more of a reason to say no next time

When will i have money that's actually mine

Low key got me thinking i gotta run away from home but i know I'm a lot more likely to kill myself if i do it/even if i don't do it lol. Like a lot more ready to "give up" and kill myself than try to start over again somewhere unknown on my own still without enough money and without a job after being abused almost my entire life. Like why all of that when i can just jump bruh

Speaking of "jumping". Been thinking a lot more about it. Like almost 24/7 about it kind of a lot

Maybe it's worth it to attempt sometime soon. Just a little attempt. As a treat

[tillbonesshowsideways]

Hello to my vent/mental diary blog :>

I'm 23F. She/her. Ace

Tumblr wouldn't let me add links to my old pinned so i made this one :(

A side blog/other account related to @tillbonesshow

I talk about heavy topics and my every day life+my thoughts. These topics include but are not limited to: EDs i used to struggle with - sh in general - occasional existential crisis/ish stuff - suicidal ideation - masochism (not to be confused with sexual masochism please) - blood/gore/violence(no pics just text)- intrusive thoughts - abuse - trauma(?) - enmeshment - possible sa stuff - neglect - emotional incest - religious trauma - derealization/depersonalization - and possible other similar and related things. I try to add TWs but sometimes i don't either because i didn't know this needed a tw or because i forgot to so consider this your tw! Be careful while scrolling here if i might trigger you. I don't mind being blocked and i encourage it if you want to! If you want me to add a tw to some of my posts going on forward just send me a dm/ask about it and I'll try my best to remember it and add it

Moots are of course free to interact :> strangers too! Just be aware that i do block freely if i don't like what i see but i usually don't have shitty people interacting with me anyway so i don't really need a dni and don't block much. Just a disclaimer i guess

I struggle a lot with responding quickly btw so just keep that in mind

I use this blog a lot more than the other one

Anyway. Enjoy and go punch a nazi i guess

Current mood:

[tillbonesshowsideways]

I think I'm finally fine with/ready to have permanent scars on my wrists. I want it to show. I want something to show for all of this

The somewhat tricky part would be covering it up while it's still healing in summer

[tillbonesshowsideways]

Craving pain rn

Why can't i just stab myself without having serious consequences afterwards. I think a mild stomachache and some bruises afterwards are a fair compensation. It doesn't have to actually create a gash in my flesh you know. If only i could just get away with whatever the fuck i wanted to do to my body :(

I'll always grieve that i can't just jump from a second floor window, or eat rat poison/eat whatever medication i get my hands on, or break my bones and stab myself and burn my flesh without needing to go an emergency room afterwards for any of them

God i feel so pathetic actually tearinh ip about this rn. I just want to mutilate myself and hurt it severely without actually ruining my life am i really askinr for too much i cant be

[tillbonesshowsideways]

After a mistake i committed a few days ago that i vaguely posted about i think I'll cut down on all unnecessary costs

I payed about $960 for a crown for the one fucking tooth (which i didn't know at the time is apparently really overpriced here; i told both parents about going to this clinic to get my exposed nerve tooth fixed and they didn't say it's overpriced despite apparently knowing, and because i never thought of them as options for help for "small things" i ended paying the $960 without checking in with anybody first cause i always got called an idiot then told to use my brain or stop being so dependent already when i was a kid [either by my sisters or mother] and so i ended up paying $960 for something i apparently could've gotten with maybe third that amount) and when i canceled the appointment i booked (because the receptionist made me pay for the service when booking the appointment for it for some fucking reason) and attempted to get a refund they kept blowing me off and everyone decided that's the moment to tell me I'm not getting the money back (opposed to before i got to the fucking clinic in the first place). We decided afterwards to just book the appointment again and use the money they already took from me to get the damn crown so i can fuck off and never have to see that shitty building again

I felt like such a fucking dumbass and failure for this entire time because of this. I get it's my first experience with this but holy fuck i should've known better man. Anyways father said he'll pay me the amount back from a loan he's taking (because apparently someone out there is willing to give money to a 60 year old man with blood pressure issues, diabetes, and heart attacks) because that's apparently a good idea when he already has so many debts he keeps taking money from his children and everyone around him (although to be fair begging for money might just be a hobby of his by this point it's like hunting for sport for him for some reason)

I honestly still don't know what the fuck to do or think. I guess the shame and embarrassment are going away a bit slowly? But I'm still pissed off by my own fucking stupidity

So anyway. I'm thinking of canceling the subscription i have (a membership to a youtuber). The only subscription i have going on right now which i just calculated/converted and is apparently 4 fucking dollars monthly lol. I don't get how that on its own is going to compensate me for being an idiot but that's not the point; it won't just be $4. I'll try to cut ALL unnecessary expenses. No more diet soda, no more food on the weekends when family is ordering, no more snacks when dizzy/hungry, and no more membership

Maybe I'll keep the hair cutting and dye thing until i feel like i financially recovered enough which i know probably sounds fucked but I'm genuinely disturbed by the fact the clinic took $1500 from me for one tooth (i also had to pay for first appointment which was the temporary filling and the first checkup or whatever they call it). Now my mother knows my father is willing to give me the $1500 back + the $135 he took from me hours ago because yes, my father really saw an opportunity where if he promises to give me money later he can just get money from me now a few days after i got swindled. He's that kinda guy. Funnily enough i got swindled and still have more money than the fucking retired boomer who gets 16 times the money i get in a month. I say winning despite my stupidity being a fucking condition i guess

Anyways. Mother knows about the money which means there's at least a 70% chance she'll come up to me a day or two later asking to loan it to her as a "debt" after i get it. This chunk of my savings might never truly belong to me again because of my stupidity. I have about the same amount i spent on my tooth in my savings account still and luckily no one knows about that one still. So I'm not "totally" financially fucked but also i kind of am because half of my savings might never belong to me again unless I'm willing to say "no and fuck off" to anyone asking to have it which would fuck me over in other ways

So. I'm really sad it has come down to this but I'm on the member perks page trying to consider if those $4 really are worth depriving myself of one of the things that brought me joy and made me feel normal and like a part of a community filled with nice chill supportive people. Same thing with the soda and snacks and "maybe" weekend meals (it's not every weekend cause i sometimes say no cause it costs money you know). Is it really worth it. Should i have waited a few months more to say i wanted a haircut cause they'll ask why if i say i want to dely it now and if i say because it costs money they'll give me a shocked pitiful guilty look before saying they'll pay for me if i think $13 is too much for me right now. I'm like laughing and almost tearing up thinking about that right now. This situation makes me want to laugh and cry while screaming at the same time

Reminded me of the time i went to a clothes shop with my sisters and mother a few years ago and found a shirt i really loved and didn't have any like it in my wardrobe but also only had about $5 in my bank account which was literally the shirts price so i had to choose between having a 0 in my account or keeping the money just in case. I honestly don't remember the shirt or what i chose that much (i think i either left it or bought it with cash?) i just remember in the car afterwards when we were talking and i think someone asked me why i didn't buy/didn't buy more and i said i didn't have the money and they immediately all went "haaa wait whaaat??? That's why?! Seriously! You could've just told us damn it we would've gladly gotten it for you" and i tried to back pedal or give another reason so they wouldn't be as pissed off. Interesting they had that reaction when they used to make fun of me for not coming with my money/not having money when i went outside with them as a kid (because i was the kind of kid to forgot their glasses when going to school at the morning of course I'd forget a fucking wallet if i didn't know the value of money that much). All of a sudden I'm not a burden anymore and it's "you should've told us if you were struggling that much damn it"

So. I'm now letting out some real heavy sighs while contemplating. I know $4 ain't shit in this economy maybe more especially in his country but i guess it's something when the months pile up. I also have this feeling of not wanting to keep any loose ends. I don't think I'll be able to show up in chat anymore if i cancel it. I'll probably feel the need to explain why and i don't want to bring their moods down or end up rambling for no reason. Also maybe youtubers get notified of canceled memberships anyway? So maybe he'll know either way. I honestly don't know

I guess i can be a member again in the future. But for now i have to think about my future and atone for my stupidity. I can "live" and "feel like a normal person" once I'm done worrying every day over money and potential homelessness in a few years

I put "other unexpected payments" as my reason after choosing "other". I'm hopefully coming back for you one day oldman. Just not now