Tumblr wouldn't let me add links to my old pinned so i made this one :(
A side blog/other account related to @tillbonesshow
I talk about heavy topics and my every day life+my thoughts. These topics include but are not limited to: EDs i used to struggle with - sh in general - occasional existential crisis/ish stuff - suicidal ideation - masochism (not to be confused with sexual masochism please) - blood/gore/violence(no pics just text)- intrusive thoughts - abuse - trauma(?) - enmeshment - possible sa stuff - neglect - emotional incest - religious trauma - derealization/depersonalization - and possible other similar and related things. I try to add TWs but sometimes i don't either because i didn't know this needed a tw or because i forgot to so consider this your tw! Be careful while scrolling here if i might trigger you. I don't mind being blocked and i encourage it if you want to! If you want me to add a tw to some of my posts going on forward just send me a dm/ask about it and I'll try my best to remember it and add it
Moots are of course free to interact :> strangers too! Just be aware that i do block freely if i don't like what i see but i usually don't have shitty people interacting with me anyway so i don't really need a dni and don't block much. Just a disclaimer i guess
I struggle a lot with responding quickly btw so just keep that in mind
Wait i remembered something funny kinda, so remember how i have some undiagnosed breathing issues that I've been dealing with my entire life? 4 or 5 months ago or something my sisters and mother all of a sudden went: "hey, you gotta do something about that. You can't just keep risking your lungs and your life like that. We know this dietitian/nutritionist on twitter, pay him money for a private consultation and ask him what pills you should be taking to help your coughing fits" lol. They wanted me to slide into some rando's dms and ask him what pills what i should be taking cause apparently "he has advice doctors won't have" (they just had to make him sound like he was dealing drugs i guess lol. No i didn't pay him or talk him btw, fuck that noise). Also eldest sis showed me that a lady on the internet apparently was taking seweed pills (spirulina) for her seasonal allergies and said i could try that too, i ended up not trying that cause i don't even know what is my issue, i won't just start taking seaweed pills randomly
Although the main thing i wanna talk about: one of my sisters in law (cause i have 3), the wife of the youngest of my brothers, says she used to suffer from this asthma like thing too and even worse than i have it (apparently), but was cured by.. drum roll please.. milk from a mare. Yes, you read that right, horse milk. Apparently her family got her horse milk and made her drink it and she was just straight up cured forever from her asthma/breathing allergy. Pony milk
Ever since then randomly every now and then my mind either tunes in to that "horse cock" song or to the my little pony theme. I'd be doing the dishes and randomly remember that the youngest of my brothers is now on the hunt for horse milk so he can bring it to me to "cure me from my asthma" and just start mumbling "my little ponnyyyy myy litttllee poonyy". Or I'd be cooking dinner with heavy cream then start mumbling "there's no cock like horse cock, send your asshole into shock"
Anyways. If my brother gets his hands on pony milk eventually I'll have to drink it even though my mouth literally rejects the taste of unflavored pure milk, and I'm not sure how the milk works specifically so i probably won't risk changing the formula by adding something to it. So if i write one day here about how i waterboarded myself with horse milk that day, you know what happened
I fucked up. Again. Maybe if fuck up enough times my family will stop making me responsible for anything? To be fair, youngest brother asked me to invite our father to his (brother's) house for dinner on thursday night since father has bro blocked on his phone (yes, because apparently this almost 70 year old still has no shame acting like a damn child blocking family members even though there's no reason for it and still expects contact and love from everybody else somehow even though we're obviously gonna try to side with bro since he literally did nothing wrong), on his behalf. I did it, father said "alright" at first, mother pushed and asked if he's driving us (me and mother) thursday night then, and he replied "I'm not going". I texted bro that i invited father on his behalf, and he asked what was his response. I valued honesty and transparency and texted him what happened. Mother and eldest sis a few minutes after it found me in the kitchen and asked what happened with bro, basically hoping that i didn't tell bro everything that happened, because sis is gonna try to convince father to come with us thursday night (for the sake of bro, not anyone else, she said that herself). I kind of lied and said i didn't tell bro "everything", and left it at "father said okay, but i personally think that means he's probably not coming". They (mother and sis) kind of cringed at that and talked about it a bit more but then told me to not worry about it anymore
I texted bro a bit more, telling him to forget what i said earlier and that father is probably showing up (hopefully). Bro asked if mother scolded him and that's why he changed his mind, and i replied "no, father was just hungry and i made him food" (true, did happen) then about 10 minutes later texted "though to be fair mother did try to have a conversation with him about this, he didn't respond" (true again, did happen)
It feels like I'm mixing up lies and truth and keep making things worse while trying to correct my mistakes when I'm not even sure if i really did even make any mistakes to begin with. Mother and sis might have a point, telling bro father said he's not coming will probably just hurt his feelings and make him feel dejected before the gathering even happens, but bro only really contacts me privately like this when he expects full honesty and at least some privacy
I didn't wanna lie, but i probably hurt his feelings and now trying to do damage control just makes me feel worse and like crying
The fuck is wrong with this family dude and why the hell did i have to be born in it
So.. guess who didn't hang themselves in the last few months i guess?
Yeah. Lmao. I'm too ashamed to do another "hiii guuyss imm baackk soory for beeing gone for so looong i wass saaaad :(". So. Just consider this that i guess
I do genuinely apologize to everyone i disappeared from but i know my apologies mean nothing so I'll stop it here
I'm surprised I'm still alive if I'm being honest. Wanted to change that at least a dozen time in the last few months. I stared at a blade and my arm too many times but never actually did it. I'm still here i guess. Life is more or less the same, I'm just running out of stamina and my mental health is one hair snapping away from making me jump from a 7th floor or something
The one thing worthy of noting to me currently: i found out/had it confirmed that the youngest of brothers is $uicidal too (he made a joke about it a few months ago), but he started going to therapy a few weeks ago. Good for him. I hope it works out for him and he can get out of this hell
I should probably just go ahead and say at this point: I'm getting to a phase where it's really hard to keep up socially and with real life obligations. I just realized that maybe a month or two (or three) ago one of my sisters asked if my pc has a cd player, i found one but it was broken/disconnected and i wanted to do something about it but still haven't. It is that bad. It feels like my brain is actively getting fried. Me not responding anymore is probably just the equivalent of me on my knees in the corner holding my head in tears and being dramatic, probably nothing more. Don't worry about me please
I feel so shitty and pathetic asking for my money back after it turns out i sent too much for no reason. But it's my money >:( and I'm not the reason i sent too much. But still. Making this much fuss over $5 feels really shitty lol
I can't undo it right now anyway. And it's mostly about the idea of me losing my money rather than the money itself
Didn't get it back yet even though she usually doesn't take time rest in piss to my reputation
I got the humiliation and also no money back
Also i talked to mother about this whole situation (again, because she followed me into the room when i was upset only to call me sensitive multiple times during that conversation. Classic mother)
Jesus fuxk she just knocked on the door again cause she wants something from me
Anyways. Situation is mostly fixed and i still feel like shit and nauseous about it but at this point i can only try to froget it and sleep this feeling off
Father has came into the house. Ew. How am i supposed to go get my soda from the freezer now when he's in the living room bruh. He'll see me and order me to do shit but i don't want to this time. If i say it outright no one will back me up but I'm tired of being seen as a slave
Ugh. Now i really want my soda because I'm thinking i can't have it when he's here cause i don't want him to see me
I feel so shitty and pathetic asking for my money back after it turns out i sent too much for no reason. But it's my money >:( and I'm not the reason i sent too much. But still. Making this much fuss over $5 feels really shitty lol
I can't undo it right now anyway. And it's mostly about the idea of me losing my money rather than the money itself
Trying to calculate my expenses and making sure they're gonna be at least under $130 even though i have so much to buy
Detailed list below, this turned out to be too long
Got a $106 mattress some days ago cause the old one wasn't the right size nor height, but the new one isn't "that" high either (i want it to be higher) and i can lowkey feel the springs and don't really like that, so I'm thinking of getting a bed topper but these are kinda expensive, also i wanna get foam/rubber edge and corner cover/guards because the edge of the bed can still be felt when sitting on it and it kinda hurts and is annoying because the new mattress was supposed to fix that issue but didn't
I also want a pad/mat to cover my desk cause it has a glass top and i don't feel like cleaning often so it gets dirty and it's getting scratched which looks very annoying and makes me feel guilty for ruining it, but the ones big enough for the desk and cover the entirety of it don't really look that nice (plain af, just one color) so i want a secondary mat on top for it to look better
I also accidentally ruined a rubber slipper a while ago by forgetting to bring it back in the house and letting the sun warp it, i want to replace that since i damaged it
Also also, the youngest of my brothers has recently opened a business (a store) and i wanna support by buying from him. Yall remember when i tried an epilator a few months ago and it stopped working 10 minutes after it and i said I'll hopefully get an epilator for myself one day? He has an epilator in the shop, it seems decent for the price so I'll be getting it. There's earphones on there too I'm interested in. They look like either the best I'll ever get or the worst. I'm not sure if i have enough money for earphones too but i wanna support my bro and i don't have almost any earphones and have been thinking about buying earphones like the ones i had for a while but the price tags always stopped me
Also³, we got a silicone tube a while ago to seal some of the shittly made doors we have that keep getting dirt and dust into the house (I'm surprised this is the first time I'm bringing this up here, i did the sealing with mothers help, first real "blue collar" ish thing I've ever done i think). It ran out before we finished working and i wanna keep working on this, so i gotta get another one. And the soda is running out too quickly, and some snacks/foods are on sale :<
Trying to do some calculations real quick:
The last online order was $72, the mattress was $106, and we got snacks/stuff for the house from the nearby market that was $30
Putting me at $208. Ouch. What the fuck my dude
Ugh. And I'll need more.
The epilator i want is about $40 (don't know if there's shipping or not or how much it'll cost), the mattress topper + guards + desk mat fiasco would be about $55 (another ouchhh), the other online order that includes the silicone might be around $35 still not sure it would actually be that much
So: 40+55×35=130. Almost right on the limit but I'm not sure it'll even stay this way. I should probably keep at least one of them until next month. I feel like even looking at the numbers is gonna make me cry right now
So. When i just woke up this morning she asked me if i transferred money to my middle sis or not yet. It's for the order with the mattress topper and desk mat and the slippers i ruined by leaving them in the sun
I said yes because i did just transfer her the money, turns out mother deleted the slippers i tried to get, taking them out of the order without asking me just because "we don't need them, it's not necessary, we already have so many unused slippers sitting around". She looked like she started to feel guilty and realize she did something fucked up when she repeated "you gave her extra money for no reason now" (I'm not gonna ask for that amount back) and i kept replying 'it wouldn't have been extra money if you didn't delete what i specifically put in there'. We're (me + 2 sisters + mother) all ordering together at once and mother has the account my sister uses in her phone, but i couldn't sign in with my phone so only mother and the sisters can directly access it. She used that to her advantage and specifically didn't get something i put in just because i was replacing what i ruined and she thought that wasn't necessary
I fucking hate this family
I never thought she'll get to the point of being this controlling and nosey or at least i didn't think it'll happen this soon
When she was still telling me about it and asked if i was the one that put the slippers in i warned that I'll make another delivery order without them just to get the slippers if they didn't get them. I'm half thinking i wanna do it now just as a fuck you to her. But this means I'll have spent double the price of it just to fucking get it because they still didn't buy it the first time
She even had the fucking audacity to keep asking why i didn't tell her about this and why i didn't tell her before transferring the money. I'm not a fucking 5 year old and she keeps indirectly insisting that i am by constantly asking that question. I don't have to tell you this shit bitch get off my ass
Actually i did indirectly ask for the amount back I'm a liar lol
If i didn't get something from the money i should be able to get the money back i don't care
I just sent the text so it'll take some time but that's fine. Also mother will be pissed when she hears but that's fine too. She's the reason we're in this mess
Father has came into the house. Ew. How am i supposed to go get my soda from the freezer now when he's in the living room bruh. He'll see me and order me to do shit but i don't want to this time. If i say it outright no one will back me up but I'm tired of being seen as a slave
Ugh. Now i really want my soda because I'm thinking i can't have it when he's here cause i don't want him to see me
I did a 10 minutes work out for the first time in years 2 days ago. I felt like shit after immediately and had to rush my body on the bed and laid there shaking feeling like i can't move more than my hands because everything else was spasming too much. I forced myself to eat anything close that's sugary and felt fine after 10 minutes. I felt so fucking low in that moment because a damn light 10 minute work out made me lose control over my muscles
I'll try it again now after giving my body a rest day even though I'm still sore and too tired. Fatigue is gonna kill me if i let it but I'm done with that. I'll eat breakfast now, eat something carb heavy after it, do warm ups (i didn't last time because even warm ups take a lot of my energy to complete) then do the same work out again
Trying to calculate my expenses and making sure they're gonna be at least under $130 even though i have so much to buy
Detailed list below, this turned out to be too long
Got a $106 mattress some days ago cause the old one wasn't the right size nor height, but the new one isn't "that" high either (i want it to be higher) and i can lowkey feel the springs and don't really like that, so I'm thinking of getting a bed topper but these are kinda expensive, also i wanna get foam/rubber edge and corner cover/guards because the edge of the bed can still be felt when sitting on it and it kinda hurts and is annoying because the new mattress was supposed to fix that issue but didn't
I also want a pad/mat to cover my desk cause it has a glass top and i don't feel like cleaning often so it gets dirty and it's getting scratched which looks very annoying and makes me feel guilty for ruining it, but the ones big enough for the desk and cover the entirety of it don't really look that nice (plain af, just one color) so i want a secondary mat on top for it to look better
I also accidentally ruined a rubber slipper a while ago by forgetting to bring it back in the house and letting the sun warp it, i want to replace that since i damaged it
Also also, the youngest of my brothers has recently opened a business (a store) and i wanna support by buying from him. Yall remember when i tried an epilator a few months ago and it stopped working 10 minutes after it and i said I'll hopefully get an epilator for myself one day? He has an epilator in the shop, it seems decent for the price so I'll be getting it. There's earphones on there too I'm interested in. They look like either the best I'll ever get or the worst. I'm not sure if i have enough money for earphones too but i wanna support my bro and i don't have almost any earphones and have been thinking about buying earphones like the ones i had for a while but the price tags always stopped me
Also³, we got a silicone tube a while ago to seal some of the shittly made doors we have that keep getting dirt and dust into the house (I'm surprised this is the first time I'm bringing this up here, i did the sealing with mothers help, first real "blue collar" ish thing I've ever done i think). It ran out before we finished working and i wanna keep working on this, so i gotta get another one. And the soda is running out too quickly, and some snacks/foods are on sale :<
Trying to do some calculations real quick:
The last online order was $72, the mattress was $106, and we got snacks/stuff for the house from the nearby market that was $30
Putting me at $208. Ouch. What the fuck my dude
Ugh. And I'll need more.
The epilator i want is about $40 (don't know if there's shipping or not or how much it'll cost), the mattress topper + guards + desk mat fiasco would be about $55 (another ouchhh), the other online order that includes the silicone might be around $35 still not sure it would actually be that much
So: 40+55×35=130. Almost right on the limit but I'm not sure it'll even stay this way. I should probably keep at least one of them until next month. I feel like even looking at the numbers is gonna make me cry right now
So. When i just woke up this morning she asked me if i transferred money to my middle sis or not yet. It's for the order with the mattress topper and desk mat and the slippers i ruined by leaving them in the sun
I said yes because i did just transfer her the money, turns out mother deleted the slippers i tried to get, taking them out of the order without asking me just because "we don't need them, it's not necessary, we already have so many unused slippers sitting around". She looked like she started to feel guilty and realize she did something fucked up when she repeated "you gave her extra money for no reason now" (I'm not gonna ask for that amount back) and i kept replying 'it wouldn't have been extra money if you didn't delete what i specifically put in there'. We're (me + 2 sisters + mother) all ordering together at once and mother has the account my sister uses in her phone, but i couldn't sign in with my phone so only mother and the sisters can directly access it. She used that to her advantage and specifically didn't get something i put in just because i was replacing what i ruined and she thought that wasn't necessary
I fucking hate this family
I never thought she'll get to the point of being this controlling and nosey or at least i didn't think it'll happen this soon
When she was still telling me about it and asked if i was the one that put the slippers in i warned that I'll make another delivery order without them just to get the slippers if they didn't get them. I'm half thinking i wanna do it now just as a fuck you to her. But this means I'll have spent double the price of it just to fucking get it because they still didn't buy it the first time
She even had the fucking audacity to keep asking why i didn't tell her about this and why i didn't tell her before transferring the money. I'm not a fucking 5 year old and she keeps indirectly insisting that i am by constantly asking that question. I don't have to tell you this shit bitch get off my ass
Lowkey wanna start forcing myself to eat slightly spoiled food instead of throwing it away whenever i encounter it. The idea that an ER visit might cost more than the food and that I'll have to inconvenience someone to drive me there stopped me in the past
But I'm sick of being this soft little princess. I want to get my edge back. My desperation to survive
Thinking about the optics doctor who looked like clark kent and suddenly jumped out of his seat to hold my head still while he was checking out my eyes when i had that weird glasses on in his office like i had a mine on my head that would blow up if i moved my head another millimeter
I figured out what's wrong with it; the thumb is supposed to be on opposite sides depending on whether his hand is raised or by his side, but because he's cardboard i can't move that so his hands look weird when i put it in unnatural poses
I'm thinking of redoing the hand of the dude i posted about before
I'll probably sleep first cause i had to wake up for some family stuff earlier before getting enough sleep. But I'm also hyped lowkey and wanna do it now
"Carve from the head and down to your toes" @tillbonesshowsideways - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
