very. Very long vent post.
it’s so hot. It’s so fucking hot and I’m tired and I just want to look at my screen and see the call pop up but it hasn’t been there for 6 months and I probobly won’t see anything like it again. I won’t get to cackle while they yell at a mutual friend for abusing buttons on the screen, I won’t ever get to see them wonder around making desserts in that specific kitchen that I remember. I won’t get to see them decorating a Christmas tree, silently, but careful. I won’t get to see them brag about the merch of me they’ve conjored. I won’t get that full box of presents. I won’t get that box of Oreos before disaster strikes. I won’t get to sit on that site for hours in the same map just together. I won’t get to hear that nickname again or feel the rush when it’s said. I won’t get the glory of the earth on a wand held and granted to me. I won’t get to put matching ring necklaces on things that remind me of them. I won’t get put in their self indulgent media and I won’t put them in mine. I can’t bring myself to do anything anymore. I can’t even try to imagine dying anymore. I look inside to see if I’m standing and ready but I just see my face wallowing in my self pity. It was all my fault. If I knew. If I just knew they could have been warned. They would have never been hurt. I would have never hurt them.
I can’t even bring myself to ask their help. I really wish I could burn out. I don’t want to have the energy left to shine like that star they called me. I want to be dim so my surface won’t burn them to the touch. But it’s too late. Their hands are already charred and there is nothing I can do but watch what’s left and be reminded that I never stopped loving them.
I hope they never see this
