Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #687
I still seem to be devoid of rhinovirus symptoms, at least for now.
However, I did start bleeding in earnest today, and I suppose with it being late, it decided to show up with a vengeance; I haven't had cramps quite this bad in a while. It was kinda like having someone violently driving both of their knees into the hollow of my pelvis, while also, somehow, having someone violently driving the business end of an icepick into that same hollow. It was pretty freaking awful. The pain resulted in bouts of nausea that came in waves. It goes without saying that I'm losing a lot of iron and proteins right now. Fucking lame.
Only thing for it when it gets like that is to take some ibuprofen and wait. So that's what I did. I also had some nice hot tea to help try to take the edge off; I'm not sure why, but it usually does a pretty good job. This time, I combined my baklava tea with my crème brûlée tea to make a concoction that tasted like spiced honey and vanilla...
I made myself a simple breakfast, too. Just some leftover roasted pumpkin seeds and a couple slices of toast, one of which is topped with the remains of that yummy Boursin cheese, and the other, with some funky red bell pepper butter that J and I had found at out previous grocery run.
I've not seen anything like it before, and looking at the ingredients, it was literally just butter mixed with pureed red bell pepper, some garlic, some salt, and a few other spices. On a whim, I decided, “fuck it” and got it, and I gotta say, I don't regret it at all, because it's pretty freaking stellar.
...Maybe one of these days, I ought to try making my own flavored butters at home to spread on yummy homemade bread...! Maybe that'd be nifty. Apparently, butter boards are a thing. People make super fancy ones that are mixed up with basil pesto or caramelized onions and stuff...
I breathed life into today's wishes sometime after that:
Aside from all that, taking a shower, bringing Momma to the vet (she needed a general checkup, some vaccines boosted, and to be put on the dental waiting list for a cleaning), and running an errand on the way home... I mostly kinda just derped around. Thanks to the ibuprofen, the cramping is reduced, at least for now, to a dull and barely noticeable roar in the background.
...I really don't know what to do with myself right now, though, truth be told. It's only 6pm, but with the darkness of winter closing in, right now it feels closer to 9pm, which is lame. On the bright side, I should have zero issues getting to bed on time tonight (which is good, because, assuming I don't develop rhinovirus symptoms by tomorrow morning, I'm doing a closing shift at work). Maybe I'll make sure of that by doing my get-ready-for-bed things immediately after writing to you. Then it'll be done and out of the way, and future me won't have to worry about it.
...I wish you were here to play video games with. That'd be a pretty excellent way to pass the time until bed. I wouldn't mind to sit next to you and watch you play Dead Cells or something. Anything that strikes your fancy, really; we have a lot of games to choose from...
...Or maybe we'd just sit in front of the toasty fire, warm, comfortable, at ease, trying hard not to succumb to whatever sleepiness washes over us while the cats stretch out nearby...
My house is full of good things. But my head right now... it is very empty. And maybe that's not necessarily a bad thing. After yesterday's deluge of swirling thoughts, maybe a little reprieve is good.
J goes with the assistant mechanic tomorrow to take the engine to the place where it's gotta be overhauled. That said, though he's definitely on the mend, he's still slightly sick, so part of me hopes that he'll be nice to himself and just let the assistant mechanic take care of the transport. But we'll see. J is an adult human, and although I can make suggestions, ultimately, the decision of what he will do lies with him. I'll try to be supportive of him regardless.
...I guess I'm dreading tomorrow, a little. I don't close too terribly often, so I'm not entirely sure what my task list will entail. I know that I'll be doing roll sets and slicing up the bread in the display case, sweeping, mopping, wiping down the counters, and taking out the trash. That stuff is fixed and certain. But... I dunno how many things might need to be packaged, labeled, and put out. I don't know what kind of mood Tr is gonna be in.
Tr said after the last disaster, she is all done with dating. But then, recently, she asked me for an explanation of my six-month-rule. And so, I tried to describe it as best I could – the basic summary is that I will not become romantically or sexually involved with someone unless I've known them and have interacted with them consistently for at minimum six consecutive months. No exceptions, and no bending the rules, no matter how badly the other wants in my pants, or how badly I want in theirs.
...And the reason for it is simple. I've met more than my fair share of romantic partners with significant issues surrounding honesty, communication, empathy, emotional regulation, or some combination thereof. And what I've found is that most people approach the idea of partnership with a rather self-centered mindset – “what can I get from the other person?”, “how can this person fill the gnawing void in my chest”, “how can this person make me finally feel good about myself”, or something to these effects. And so, lots of people will put their very best face forward – especially those who like to use superficial charm to try to cover up underlying selfishness and dishonesty. One good phrase that I got from my maternal grandfather is that “new brooms sweep clean”; it takes a while for the other person to get comfortable enough for their issues to start poking through and their facade to crack. In my experience, most people can't keep up a facade for more than three consecutive months before the tiny cracks start to show, so I, sick of being given the run-around, doubled the observational period to six months, in order to see what happens as I get to know them.
If the other person has romantic or sexual interest in me, then during those six months, I will be observing them VERY closely – every use of tone and body language, every word said and every action taken towards me, towards themselves, or towards others – to try to ascertain all sorts of very little things. Things like... how comfortable is the other person with their own vulnerability? With others' vulnerability? With their own or others' masculinity or femininity or androgyny or whatever else? How well do they communicate? Do they say what they want and need straightforwardly, or do they rely on implication and hint-dropping (and then resent me later for not being able to pick up on it) because they can't trust me enough to be forthright with me?
And there's more. How do they communicate? Do they make sure their words are non-violent and non-manipulative (for example, no name-calling, no guilt-tripping, no gaslighting, no mean-spirited sarcasm, or anything else intended to cause pain, fear, despair, or humiliation)? Do they tell the truth, or do they lie about stupid little shit because they're too scared to own up to who they actually are as a person (for example, pretending not to be interested in a topic that they're actually interested in because they're afraid it's “cringe” or whatever)? Do they lie about big shit because they're afraid they're gonna get in trouble?
...Dishonesty in any form is not something I will tolerate in any relationship – romantic, sexual, familial, or platonic. When I find out, it's grounds for immediate dismissal, and I always end up finding out, one way or another, because I'm damn good at patterns, I have a long memory, and I've got a nose for inconsistencies. Once a lie is told, the only way to salvage the relationship is for the other person to come clean before I find out. Otherwise, I'll never fully be able to trust the other person again.
And there's more. Does this person consider any living thing “lesser” compared to themself? So, for example... how do they treat marginalized groups of people (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color, immigrants, women, children, disabled folk, LGBTQ+ folk, and so many more...)? How do they treat animals? People in service positions? People whose first language isn't English? Anybody they feel like they have power over? Are there certain kinds of people who don't count as "people" to them? Are they comfortable with cruelty towards any lifeform?
And what is this person like when they're angry? Lonely? Sad? Depressed? Tired? Anxious? Afraid? Do they manage their emotions, or do they take it out on the people around them and expect everyone else to clean up after the emotional mess they left? How do they react when others don't handle their emotions well? Do they make use of their patience, or do they get hostile or dismissive towards the other person? Are their “boundaries” actually boundaries, or are they just rules, punishments, and retaliations? When they get confused about something, is their first reaction to it anger and contempt, or is it curiosity and an open mind? How willing are they to be held gently accountable for their inevitable fuckups? How willing are they to hold me gently accountable for mine? When I metaphorically fall down, will they help me up, or will they rub salt where I'm bleeding? When they fall down, will they let me help them up, or will they bite my outstretched hand? Do they face their emotions, or do they numb them out with work, sex, substances, intellectualizing, or any number of other things?
There are literally so many questions to ask, and all of the answers to them are revealed in little ways as I watch how they respond the world around them, and as I listen to them speak about their history, inner world, and current emotional state. For example, how weak or robust a person's boundary skills are can be determined simply by how easily other people can lead them around by the nose (because they're saying "yes" to things they'd rather say "no" to), or by how well they can maintain control over their own mental state and behaviors WITHOUT shutting off their emotions or intellectualizing those emotions away.
As an example of being emotionally present, ideally, a person can be VERY angry and still not resort to violence or emotional suppression. M is a master of this skill; he feels anger very deeply, but he never yells, screams, or mutes that emotion. Rather, he will speak to me very plainly and very clearly about what's upsetting him, why it was unacceptable, and what he needs me to do better. We will sit and we will problem-solve, and even when I'm the one who makes a mistake, he still does not usually turn any kind of hostility at me. He takes his anger and weaves it into gentle guidance to teach me what he needs in order to feel safe. I... am still trying to master this same skill. I am still sometimes more reactive to things than I wanna be. M holds space for me as I keep figuring out how to not do that.
As you might expect, I always find problems. Problems such as, “habitual dishonesty”, “unclear communication”, “lack of self-awareness”, “emotional unavailability”, “emotional suppression”, “weak empathy”, “sexual repression”, and other things that are harmful towards the self or others. But then, everyone has problems, even me; I'm not a fucking saint, and there are still all kinds of thought habits and resulting behaviors that I need to work on. So, the question from there becomes, “to what extent are these problems nature or nurture, and to what extent is the other person willing to work on them?”
To have problems isn't really a big deal, but a lack of accountability for those problems definitely is. J had a lot of problems when he first came to be part of this little family – he carried deep shame about having physical and emotional needs. He struggled mightily with having poor boundaries and people-pleasing tendencies. He was deeply, deeply ashamed of his own sexuality. He habitually treated himself like shit. And so many more things. But he worked on them, and he's still working on a number of other things, and that is perfectly all right. M's got his own set of problems that he works on, too. We all do. We're humans, not fairytales.
I don't need perfection from the other person. But I do need to be reasonably sure that they are willing to grow, that I have the skills to help them grow (I don't, for example, have the skills to help someone with addiction), and that we are compatible (with some wiggle room) in terms of needs, expectations, and goals.
...So, for example, although I love my friend V very much, we do not have compatible sexual needs; in fact, our needs are mutually exclusive in that particular regard – there is absolutely no way to meet in the middle. I can be a very close friend to V, and I can be there for V whenever V needs me, but our needs and expectations for partnership and sexual intimacy differ in such ways that if we were to become closer than we currently are, we'd end up hurting each other, and not through any fault of our own; we are simply incompatible, and that is okay!
...Also, for example, I had a very old strictly platonic friend who I still wonder about, though I've not seen her in years. She deals with addiction, and although I don't judge her for that and I still love her very much, the fact of the matter is that, although I understand the mechanics of how addiction develops and takes hold of a person, I don't have the necessary skills (yet) or the resources and infrastructure to help hold a person who is struggling with that accountable for the harm they cause to me, mine, and others in pursuit of their next fix. My old friend is not morally degenerate; it's just that she's dealing with her trauma with the only means that are available to her right now (given the shit-ass state of my world's mental health infrastructure), and I don't have the skills for continued interaction with her to be good for either of us. It's a shame because she's a lovely, brilliant, and creative human being, but... it is what it is.
As another example, there is my biological family. I definitely have the skills to help the ones who are not struggling with addiction. But they are, for the most part, not willing to grow. In their minds, their abusive behaviors, emotional suppression, habitual lying, and violent interactions with others work for them, and it's not something they want to change. As far as they're concerned, they should be allowed to scream at, hit, and be condescending and hateful towards whomever they please, and it's up to others to be “less sensitive” and “more normal”. And... I know that that's wrong and that it hurts people and that it doesn't work for me, but... if that's how they've convinced themselves that they like to live and if they decide to react to the alternatives I've learned about with disgust... I can't really do anything about that. I can offer better tools, but at the end of the day, they have to make their own choices, and I have to keep me and mine safe from those choices. Walking away is the best choice in this case, because remaining only begets more violence and pain.
...So... as you can see, the “six month rule” is anything but simple, despite how it sounds at first glance. And even this lengthy explanation is nowhere near complete. I tried to give Tr as many of the basics as I could without being overwhelming, but she has to interpret and use my words in a way that works for her. I'm not the boss of anybody, ya know? But Tr is smart and capable, so, I'll trust that she is able to make use of my perspective in ways that are conducive to her own life. Not all of my things are necessarily gonna work for someone else, based on their needs and outlook. And that's okay, too!
...Whoof. And here I thought today's letter was gonna be short, hahaha. So much for feeling empty-headed. As always, thanks for listening. Maybe somehow, some of what I've written might be useful to you.
...I'm gonna end today's letter before I ramble on something else.
I love you so, so, so much. I hope you're out there doing your best to learn, grow, and take good care of yourself. I'll keep being over here with my hand outstretched to you, having faith that you're gonna keep yourself safe and come back to us in one piece.
I'll write again soon.
Your friend, Lumine
