I started a new epilepsy medication three or four weeks ago, and not a single week has gone by without getting so angry at some point that I cry for hours. Mind you, there's a lot to be angry about, but the med is just gasoline on a very hot fire. I keep trying to do positive things, make things (hence me trying to get back into photography), but instead I find myself hyperfocusing on things and becoming angry.
Unrelatedly, I really like the shadows under my eyes. It's like I'm born goth and ready to go, baby!
But watching people argue (and people arguing with me) about ethics in tech is frustrating; take for instance that new DA art service. I spent something like a year and a half in AI/ML before leaving due to a dearth of ethics in that field, so it's frustrating to watch people argue over tiny details about why it doesn't violate copyright; it doesn't, but I got so mad arguing about why it's unethical... and of course, the takeover of a media comms channel by a stupid racist edgelord. I was so angry with people arguing with me, gaslighting me, "misinterpreting" me that by the time I hit therapy I just started crying and didn't stop for ages. I couldn't stop focusing on it. It's frustrating.
I've been in places where my voice wasn't heard, or my position misunderstood, or blatantly lied about in public while I could do nothing about it. All that anger boils to the surface; I'm here, I say! I get the tech involved! I understand the role ethics should play in the decisions companies should make! And I've been on the losing end, too! I get it, and it's not okay!
In between not drinking anymore and the silly yet life saving briviact, I have my brain back, for good or ill. It won't turn off, and the anger I never dealt with comes rushing to the surface; you see someone in a position you were in! You want to be the person, for them, that you needed at the time! But you just have tears of frustration and anger and a headache because your sinuses are fucked.
So! Take some silly photos (especially since I promised my therapist I wouldn't go online and "hiss and spit" at people tonight) and try to put something positive into the world. All my frustration and disagreeing and talking about what tech should be isn't doing any good at the moment, and I haven't learned to handle my emotions properly when they boil into my face and then I'm not doing anyone any good, am I? So have some pictures; it's definitely made me feel better. As does this coffee (decaf!)
