#build myself

[gymaaholic]

I don’t need to put you down

To build myself up.

https://www.gymaholic.co

[sirengf-moved]

not to boast ...but i’m pretty proud of myself

[arcaluinoi]

Adevărul e întotdeauna scris la subsol, cu litere mici.

[sparkyeve-blog]

My bare skin.

So what do you do here? I...write here. It all comes out here. Why? It's a blurr, really. Words come out of my mind faster than I can type them, then they're gone.. How can you stop that? I don't really know how. They come, brilliant as they are, and leave. My words leave my mind. I feel like I lost something very valuable every time they do. Why do you bother? Because I feel like if I print this somewhere, paste it, type it, say it, scream it, internet it, someone will see it. Someone will understand my bat shit insane, racing mind. Someone will call me an artist. So you do this for other people? Not really, just for my own...relief. In fact, this is all I have. This is the only conversation I can hold and it's with myself. This is the only place I can be...myself. Why are you...doing that thing with your ears? It's...exciting. Thrilling. Relaxing. That's why. That's why I have piercings. That's why I add on to them...I like change, I suppose. I like people's reactions. I love..seeing the change in myself because I can never cope with just myself. I like seeing something new on myself. Even if it's a scar, a blemish, a sun burn, a birthmark, or a modification. I really, really like it. Aren't you scared of people's judgement? No. Not at all. People will be cruel in the world. Truly cruel for things you wont even understand. But in the end all that matters is that I still have my friends, my family, my love. Other people will judge you on appearance, I like to stay away from those people. I'm not perfect in any shape or form. I'm a big girl. I've lived a whole life of, "get those THINGS out of your ears, lose weight, why do you do that to yourself? Why do you wear those clothes?" But...I wont change myself for other people's satisfaction. Only for my own. Sorry for the ramble. You say sorry...a lot. I feel guilty sometimes. Well, a lot of times. I feel like someone could have been happier if I did something a little different. I know I've fucked up a lot in my life, but things I've done have made me a stronger person. I don't like hurting people because of it. Are you scared of how you live? Currently, I'm terrified of what I'm living right now. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going. I'm just trying to stay happy. Why aren't you partying and doing drugs like others your age? I've had my share of screwing myself up. I don't want to do things just because everyone else is doing it. Not because of peoples influence. But I'm moving away from those things, even though dancing in a party is some of the greatest fun I've had. Why are you so...confusing? I really can't answer that yet. I am...17 going on 18. I have a lot to discover about myself now. My life is confusing and I guess so is my personality. What do you really want, I mean...really want. A true best friend. Someone you can share your life with, without forcing it. Without having to try to make everything great and just letting it happen. I wish that I could meet all the beautiful people out there, and I don't mean beautiful by appearance, I mean personality. The artistic, fragile, outgoing beautiful people. I want to sit at the top of a billboard and watch the lights of every car zooming past, and I want to share that with someone. What do you expect? I only expect that people understand that this is my...escape. I do not write here or post here to make other people happy but as a personal relief that I owe to myself. To get what I need to out there. I don't expect anyone to read what a write, but if they do it is at their own discretion. I do not like being blamed for feeling some way. What are you waiting for? To know my answers, to understand myself, to rebuild a love, to make myself someone. I'm waiting to find myself. But I'm not just waiting, I'm learning too. What do you live for? Honest answer? I'm not sure right now. Have you had your heart broken? Multiple times, but not just from a relationship, though. What do you find intriguing about people? Their ignorance, their humor, their personalities, their appearance, their beliefs, their hearts, their view on whatever they care to view. What do you prefer to listen to...music wise? Soothing music, not classical artsy fartsy music, but I mean...something you can relate to without it yelling at you about it. What disgusts you? How people handle situations. How people can hurt each other so much. And I am responsible for hurting people too. I sometimes disgust myself. Sometimes I don't understand how we bring this all upon our selves. What's missing? Something left unsaid. Something I'm trying to say but I can't find the words to say it. Something clawing at my heart strings but wont pour out. Something worth spilling but not purging. What I mean to say is that I ramble, I find beauty in everyone if they want it to be shown. I move my head to whatever beat creates itself, I create myself through image and tare myself down. I recreate, reconstruct, rebuild, remove all that I dislike, improve, put all that I dislike back, learn, create myself as someone I can learn to be satisfied with. I see myself as a human canvas, but the artist is struggling to create what they see fit in their own eyes. Struggling to create the master piece they believe is suiting. Someday, I want the world to quote my words, find inspiration in them, share them with their closest, their loved ones, their memories entwined with my words. One day, I want to see "insert the words said by Evette" and smile. Because I meant something to someone. I said something to influence a heart. I guess, I've always wanted that. Do you hope someone reads this? Yes, I actually do, but I know most of all, I will be rereading this continuously to myself.