#bunny rambles

[hoshinoreika2004]

ive gotten rlly sick sadly, i hope i can make more artfight attacks when im better

[freckledfae]

i have so many fucking thoughts about Obsession and i'm Not Okay oh my gods. the fact that yes although i am fully aware it's about incel culture at its core, i also fully see it as a domestic abuse survivor's story from Nikki's POV and it just fucks with me so much oh my gods i have to rant i have to get my thoughts out

not nikki creeping around in the fucking corners, always shrouded in darkness, her eyes the only thing that are visible in the very low light. the fucked up way not nikki moves, just unnatural and inhuman. to me that's. it was how i felt when i lived with my ex. creeping around at night when he's asleep because that was the only time i ever felt safe. the scene where nikki is in the corner of the bedroom in the dark and bear is freaked out, i feel like this was nikki trying to get away from him, but not nikki then took over. this was right after bear raped nikki (but not nikki was the one saying 'all the right things') so it just. it hits me even harder because her dead-eyed stare as she's saying 'all the right things' is. very relatable. and so thats why i feel like it was nikki in the corner hiding from her rapist.

and how she would suddenly be aware of what was going on and nikki would immediately leap back VIOLENTLY from bear and then not nikki would say over and over "i'm so sorry" -> this. is very relatable. that tiny blip of a moment where you become fully aware of the abuse you're suffering at the hand of someone who claims to love you.

how when not nikki was screaming and promising that she would "be like nikki" but inevitably, she can't, because she's NOT nikki. because nikki DIDNT love bear. and that just... to me that felt very reminiscent of when my ex would tell me 'you've changed, i wish you were like how you were when we first met' and the fact that he was the entire reason why i had become a fucking shell of my former self. that he had taken everything from me and then blamed me for being empty. i feel like not nikki tried so hard to be what bear wanted but obviously she cant, because she's NOT nikki. and nikki was locked away in a deep deep part of her. the fact that bear was so angry that not nikki wasn't "like nikki" and he was getting angry at her for this when not nikki literally couldnt be nikki. that was the whole point. but he just didnt understand this.

and then the scene where nikki begs bear to kill her. because she knows that he DID something. that he has her trapped against her will. that he's raping her and he has deluded himself into thinking that she wants it because well, he WISHED for it, so of COURSE thats nikki. but then he asks her "what's so bad about being with me" when nikki DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH HIM because she is being held against her will in every single way. and he just doesnt fucking see WHY ITS SO TERRIBLE because he doesnt understand that it is NOT nikki. again, this is very much abuse victim begging abuser "hey just wondering but why do you have to abuse me lol" and the abuser saying "dont care didnt ask also fuck you lol" and going right back to abusing their victim. like the only time that nikki is able to be herself is when she's in a "dream" (or i guess a nightmare, since she brings that up very often) and i just. i feel for her.

the things that a person will do, the lengths they will go to, in order to "please" their abuser to some people might seem fucking insane. it might seem crazy and embarrassing and cringey but it's all a survival tactic. and so not nikki doing all this insane shit is simply BECAUSE bear forced her into acting like this. abusers do that to their victims, where they make their victim feel like "you love me more than anyyything?" and they expect more and more from their victim until the victim has nothing left to give. or that they start acting too obsessive, too infatuated. that it becomes overwhelming when their victim is driven by some strange force to be seen by them, to be engaged with. the abuser will give just enough to make their victim Starved for attention and affection and then when that victim acts out and does insane things to GET that attention, the abuser is turned off by it. disgusted by the level of intensity. of the need.

im just so. heartbroken. for nikki. because not nikki uses the wish to make bear love her but she didnt know he had swallowed all those pills and so of course she's devastated when he dies. because this is the same sort of thing an abuser will do. they will try everything to get out of the situation that THEY caused with their victim who is acting erratic etc etc. and then once the spell is broken and nikki is free, she realises that not nikki killed two people (childhood best friends im assuming since they said they knew each other for seven years?) and is holding the dead body of her abuser. and so of COURSE shes going to scream. everything about this situation is fucked beyond belief. and she is finally AWAKE and cognizant of what the fuck has happened.

and it just screams abuse victim, of that sudden realisation after the abuser is no longer in the picture, "holy fuck. what did i do?" and although the victim DID all these things, they were still being controlled by an irrational hunger for the abuser, and so i just. i dont really think it's Nikki's fault at all. she was begging for death in her clear moments. she tried so hard to kill herself (every time she hit her head etc) and i just. !!!!!!! i cant stop thinking about it. i cant stop thinking about how fucked that movie was. like yes. incel culture. i understand that's what the main concept was behind the movie. but also. abuse victim. i love nikki. and im glad she didnt end up killing herself (although i was so scared that she would before the spell ended) because thats also SUCH a fucking clear abuse victim thing. when i left my ex i couldn't even breathe i was so devastated. i had to leave him for my own safety and i was still devastated. and i was. on the edge. i thought i had fucked everything up. and then it hit me how lucky i was to have escaped him. and i feel like thats nikki, not killing herself, and then screaming. like she realises what she has to live with now, because of what some sick fuck did to her. like. ugh.

just the scene where she was crying "i'll be pretty again soon i promise" etc like. that hit me so hard in the fucking chest.

this entire movie was just genius. it was so fucking good. i have to watch it again at least four more times lmao. i have to make gifs. i have to make art. oh my gods i have to make art. this movie was just so good. so good ;A;

[freckledfae]

i just watched obsession finally and holy fucking shit that was probably the best horror movie i've ever seen in years and years and years... everything about it was fucking perfect. tears in my eyes from the Terror. oh my gods oh my gods. my toes were curling my shoulders were HIKED my stomach was HURTIN the entire time. my heart is still racing fifteen minutes after it ended. i feel sick to throw up. i need to eat both of my hands just to stop them from shaking. that movie was perfect

[freckledfae]

i never settled on a background for evie but today i was writing down some chapter notes and thought, hey, i could make her irish? and then looked up her last name. predominantly irish. looked up evelyn. has a popular irish version. i GUESS evie is irish then lol i love when things just. come together. and i didn't even consider it at the time.

[freckledfae]

freckles hdslfjsdalkfjdsk

What's your favourite planet? <3 why~? <3

PLUTO!!!!! because nobody can decide if it's a planet or not... and I can relate to that, since I never know if I'm a person or not lol.

Thank you for the ask!

[freckledfae]

this smoke (even with a mask) makes my tongue all chalky i wanna throw up and die tbh I hate it here i just wanna go home and dunk my head in a bucket of water jfjwhdhshdh

[exsmallbun]

I’m too autistic to be a functional person in society I think 🙃

[freckledfae]

i love writing for the sake of writing, getting words down on paper or document, seeing the word count go up up up, seeing the pages accumulate like leaves of autumn, shuffling and rustling as i flip through and scroll, i am so amazed by the simple act of writing... writing for the sake of it!! without a clear end goal, just weaving a story together, pinning patterns to fabric and cutting snipping ripping tearing and stitching them all together to create some glorious and raw thing, crafting a door and the ill-fitting key to a world beyond this one, a world borne of pain and sorrow and healing, catharsis growing like mould along the paper thin edges ...

writing for the sake of writing. and I'm doing that for no one but myself! and I've never been happier or more proud. I am but a single seed in a vast ocean of trees, growing and sprouting and reaching for nothing but the sun, and with no one to witness it but the passing wind and woodland creatures. burrow in the trunk of my words, relax, stay a while, or don't. I am just one seed of many.